Back Together

[beingawesome]

Hey guys! I was on this site a few months ago trying to deal with my breakup, and I've returned with some good news! I hope this isn't premature, but I'm an only child and Thanksgiving is really boring for me, so I thought I might as well write up my reconciliation story. We broke up about 5 months ago for a multitude of reasons I won't really go into - he was the one who decided he wanted out and I tried my best to accept it gracefully. I went NC immediately, and we didn't have any contact for 4 months. I blocked him from gchat, facebook, instagram, basically anything and everything so I wouldn't be able to see what he was up to and so he couldn't see what I was doing. This was one of the best decisions I made, in my opinion, because I didn't hurt myself needlessly, and it gave me the freedom to do whatever I wanted. Those bad days where I just stayed home and watched TV and drank? He would never know about those, for all he knew I was having a fabulous time!

 

In those 4 months we were NC, I started "getting me back", as they say. I started doing yoga, meditating, and taking care of my body better. I accepted invitations to events and parties that I would have avoided prior and hung out with my friends more often. I eventually stopped coming to this site, because it felt like it was only helping me dwell on what I had lost. I got more spiritual, I tried my best to confront my fears and explore my negative patterns, and when I finally felt like I was strong enough I started dating again. Through all of this, I think I was able to get over my breakup, but I was never really able to get over my ex. I still always held a tiny hope that we could get back together, but I was also too afraid.

 

So after 4 months I received some stuff in the mail for my ex. And since I was starting to date again and felt stronger, I decided to email him. It was very brief, and it was only about the mail. He responded a few days later, on what would have been our anniversary, with a very strange email that talked about that date, fate, and included an invitation to keep talking. I was actually very confused by it all but also a little hopeful. We exchanged a few emails, all friendly but kind of awkward, until I asked him straight up what his intention and motivation was for emailing me. His reply was that he just wanted to talk and keep the line open for conversation, which was nothing close to "I want to get back together". So I cut off communication again, because I didn't want to get my hopes up through fruitless chitchat.

 

A week passed, and I tried my best to get over what I felt like was another rejection, when I was hit with another staggering blow. I had forgotten to delete his old messages in my facebook inbox and didn't realize that you could see profile pictures on them. So I was able to see that he had changed his to him with another girl. It hit me like a ton of bricks, I was beside myself with grief. And in my grief, I decided I just had to talk to him, if only so he could tell me the truth and hurt me so bad that I would never want to be with him again and that little hope in me would die. (This was actually a REALLY BAD IDEA, and clearly something born out of me not thinking clearly at all.) I called, no answer. My friends told me I should accept that as an answer and that there was nothing positive in those emails we had exchanged. I ignored them and called the next day and left a message. He called back, I didn't answer out of fear. And after a few more rounds of phone tag I finally got him on the phone.

 

I was really nervous, didn't know what to say, and during that conversation he managed to both break my heart and give me hope at the same time. He confirmed that he was seeing someone new, but it didn't feel 100% right. And I could have left it at that, but I felt compelled to find out, maybe for the last time, if he felt like there was something still between us. He said yes. And from there it was a whirlwind of us talking about how we felt, the conclusions we had come to after we had been apart, and where we were going to go from here. I met him that night, but it was pretty much already decided from the moment we started talking on the phone. He broke it off with her the next day.

 

This all happened about 5 days ago, so it's still very fresh, but it also feels very right. We never stopped loving each other, and after learning about his experiences, I would say that I actually handled my emotions after the breakup much better despite being the dumpee. He struggled a lot after the initial first month of happiness and freedom and began doubting his decision and missing me terribly. He wanted to talk to me but didn't reach out to me because he was afraid I hated him or had moved on, so he didn't want to come back into my life just to hurt me again. He searched all over the internet for me (so yay for all that blocking and hiding I did), and even went to places near my apartment hoping to see me. But most importantly, in the time we were apart, he really thought about how we had handled the relationship and how he was handling himself. And now that we've decided to try again, we've discussed our issues in the past openly and honestly but have agreed not to let them start as the foundation for our new relationship. I am ridiculously happy that we're back together, but I also feel the same as I did a week ago. I still feel like a whole, grounded person with my own interests and my own life, instead of one half of a relationship. And to me, that seems like a really good place to start!

 

So, I'm sorry if this became really long and rambling....I haven't told my friends about it yet because we are just trying to figure things out just between us first, so I guess I just wanted to tell someone, anyone! The short version of all of this is: we both needed this time apart and even a breakup wasn't able to change how we felt about each other.

[ThatwasThen]

Oh, My spidey sense is tingling. Do be careful. All that was there before has not changed. All those 'reasons you won't go into" for breaking up? What has he done and what have you done to make them not so anymore?

 

Don't let me burst your bubble but DO be congnizant of the fact that he just broke up with someone (or so he says) and she's likely not 100% out of the picture yet either. (either in mind, spirit or physical presence).

 

If you really love one another then a few rounds of Couples Councelling under your belts will help you to actually show in actions rather then discuss just in words how much you're both as compatible now as you talk you are.

 

Good luck. I hope my spidey sense is broken for your sake.

 

To add to all that negativity (sowwy, just saying) you said you were ready to date when you really were not if you were still wondering what your ex was up to and hoping that his emails would end up with you two back as a couple.

 

Ready to date would you be indifferent to your ex and the crumbs he sent you.

 

Be well.

[mhowe]

You seem to have done a lot of work and grown, but I dont see that he has. And to dump his current and get back with you asap shows an appealing lack of integrity and compassion.

[beingawesome]

I appreciate your comments (and concern), and there's still a lot I won't get into since it's quite personal. But I will respond to the questions regarding the person he was seeing, since I don't wish for him to be painted as this cruel person. He went on a few dates for about a week (pretty much the same as I had done) and was already questioning whether or not to continue. I guess I do not really consider this "dumping", as I don't feel "dumped" by the person I dated after we realized we probably weren't that compatible.

[mhowe]

I think you are downplaying their relationship to ease your guilt. It was their FB profile that devastated you and that your friends said was a sign. Proceed with caution.

[savignon]

I've never changed my FB profile pic to someone I've been on a few casual dates with. I also say "process with caution" especially as he was the dumper, doesn't seem to have changed, the issues likely aren't resolved in such a short time and he moved on to another girl whi he thought to put on FB in that time. If you hadn't called him, they'd no doubt still be dating and in his email (his chance to open the door) he didn't say his intent was to get back together. Only for your calling is this reconciliation a possibility.

I'd definitely be careful and very gentle with yourself ...and I agree that the other girl is likely not entirely out of the picture in a mere 24 hrs.

Again just be careful with your heart. You've come a long way so don't let yourself go backwards.

[Hopelessromant]

Wow thank you so much. My story is very similar and I'm holding on to that hope. May I ask what really ended the relationship? Like arguments?

[doicare]

Hey, how are things going? Hopefully all is good...

[beingawesome]

Here's an update in case anyone's interested. It's been over a month since we got back together, and things are going really well We've been working on our big ticket issues, and more importantly, have been working on how we speak to each other when we're frustrated. Since we fought a lot in the past, we've been working on different ways to actually solve our problems instead of yelling to vent our anger. We've had a couple arguments, but they were about "game changers" (as he puts it), instead of trivial things to bicker over. And after each argument, we were able to feel like there was some progress, even if it was just a tiny amount.

 

I've been doing my best to stay balanced and keep my own life, instead of getting overwhelmed with the relationship. Before our breakup, I really hated time and distance away from each other, but I've come to realize just how helpful and necessary time and space can be! And things feel different on his side as well. He has become much more open and communicative and doesn't shut down once things start to get heated. It also feels like he no longer has one foot out the door, ready to bolt and jump ship if things get sticky. When I asked him about it, he said that before he had always felt like he was trying to fight and "rebel" against me, and has now realized how stupid that all is - after all, why should he be fighting against something he really wants as well?

 

We're going away on vacation to Mexico next month, and I couldn't be more excited!! So on that note, wishing my best to anyone who's hurting right now. Just breathe your way through it, and listen to your intuition. There are so many things out there to experience, it's best not to get stuck on one for too long.

[vaw6]

I love the happy ending. Will you continue to update maybe next month?

[beingawesome]

I love the happy ending. Will you continue to update maybe next month?

 

Sure! As long as someone is interested

[pippy longstocking]

oh wonderful , I am so happy for you ...and yes keep updating , we are all interested

[doicare]

yeah please keep us updated. All the best!

[beingawesome]

Another month has gone by, and the boyfriend and I are back from vacation. I had such a great time - I really needed to just get away and create new memories with my partner. I particularly enjoyed being able to do yoga on the beach every day... I've been very dedicated to my practice since picking it up after the breakup, and I'm amazed at how much progress I've made in 7 months (in all aspects of my life). One of my strongest suggestions for dealing with a breakup is to find something new to focus on and love - that way when you look back at that time period later on, you'll only remember your new found passion instead of seeing it as time lost.

 

Things are continuing to go well, and now that our relationship has progressed past the breakup I wanted to share his side of things for anyone that might be curious. I cannot speak for any other "dumpers", as everyone's thoughts and experiences are different; I am just sharing one man's thoughts after a breakup.

 

After 4 months NC, I initiated contact with my boyfriend, which some people may not agree with. The initial emails were a bit awkward but cordial, and he included several mentions of thinking about me. (These would be classified as “breadcrumbs”.) After reading enough threads on this forum, I believed that our reconciliation would only be possible if he was able to tell me directly “I want to get back together”. So I gave him the opportunity by asking him what his motivations were behind emailing me. When he didn’t answer with anything about getting back together, I cut off contact once again. I did not want to continue correspondence if it turned out he just wanted to be friends.

 

Once we got back together, I was able to hear from him exactly what was going through his mind during that interaction. The main question I had was why he didn’t tell me he wanted to get back together, when he indeed did. The answer? He had a very different idea of how getting back together was supposed to pan out. In his mind, he would first need to see if I hated him or harbored ill will for the breakup. We hadn’t spoken for 4 months, so how was he to know if I actually wanted to be with him or even if I was single? He wanted to get to know each other a bit through casual emails before moving up to texts, then phone calls, then meetings. He was trying not to be overly aggressive upfront. And once I said we couldn’t speak to each other, he was left confused and disappointed, considering that was the reaction he had been trying to avoid.

 

My second question was why he didn’t reach out to me himself, once he realized that he did want to be with me and that our issues weren’t insurmountable. His response was that he felt it would be selfish of him to come in and out of my life. He had made his bed, so he would have to deal with his own feelings of loss and lie in it. If I had moved on and was happier without him, then there was no point in reminding me of the breakup and trudging up old feelings.

 

And my final question was whether he was affected by the breakup. The answer was a resounding yes. After the initial thrill of freedom had worn off he sunk into a depression, started eating less, etc. And in a typical fashion, he just tried to ignore those feelings and act like everything was fine. But eventually he had to acknowledge that he was hurting a lot from the breakup and had to put himself back together much in the same way I did.

 

So there you have it. I had complete opposite thoughts when I broke up with my first boyfriend, but like I said, everyone is different

[stillgrieving]

Thanks for coming back and updating us. Its especially helpful that you shared with us your insight about what he was thinking. I guess it is true what I've been reading, the first month or so, the dumper feels relief, trying to get on with their life thinking it is the right decision and then after a while, it finally hits them. I wonder if you had never contacted him, what would have happened? I would like to think that he would have swallowed his pride eventually and reached out to you, maybe not as direct as "I made a mistake" but probably try to feel it out going the friend route.

[overthemoon86]

Hi beingawesome, I just read through all your posts (breakup to reconciliation), wow you are an inspiration and I am so happy I found your story. You did an amazing job keeping perspective, focusing on you, and creating your own happiness. I am really impressed and congratulations on your happy ending.

 

If you have time, please post another update! I am sure everyone would love to hear how you are doing

 

P.S. I am a fellow yoga lover as well! I actually do Bikram yoga at a local studio and I really love it. I have met some awesome people doing it and the health benefits are awesome! What type do you do?

[beingawesome]

Hi beingawesome, I just read through all your posts (breakup to reconciliation), wow you are an inspiration and I am so happy I found your story. You did an amazing job keeping perspective, focusing on you, and creating your own happiness. I am really impressed and congratulations on your happy ending.

 

If you have time, please post another update! I am sure everyone would love to hear how you are doing

 

P.S. I am a fellow yoga lover as well! I actually do Bikram yoga at a local studio and I really love it. I have met some awesome people doing it and the health benefits are awesome! What type do you do?

 

Hi overthemoon! I'm glad to know that my story has been of use in some way I'm still around the forums but haven't posted an update because things have stayed pretty consistent. The boyfriend and I are still getting along swimmingly - we haven't fought for a couple of months, which is kind of crazy since I used to be the kind of girl who picked fights when feeling a lot of stress or pressure. But no more, as a result of the work he and I put into ourselves and into the relationship. I recently moved into a studio from my old one bedroom apartment; when he broke up with me, he left me in a sticky financial situation, since I had to pick up all of the bills. I recovered better than I thought I would but vowed not to be put into that position again, so now I'm in a space with rent that is more manageable both together or by myself. The boyfriend has been practically living with me for the past two months but won't officially move back in until his lease is up in August.

 

I have a pretty general vinyasa practice - a couple of my classes are power, I go to an Ashtanga class, and one yin yoga class. I'm still ridiculously in love with it, and in July will have been doing it for a whole year! There's nothing like that feeling of power when you finally nail something you thought you couldn't do and realize you're getting stronger. I've never felt more proud of my body and will Anyways! Feel free to pm me, and thanks for the reply.

[overthemoon86]

YAYY!!! That's really awesome! I am so glad that things are going so well, and great news on the new apartment, sometimes it is nice to get your own space and that I am sure helped with the healing process when you weren't together. And that's awesome that you guys have plans to move back together as well.

 

And I can totally relate, I used to fight with my ex all the time and everything was constantly an issue, I know I made him feel like he wasn't good enough. He was in graduate school so every time he wasn't studying or at school I "demanded" that he spend time with me and that was the bulk of our arguments. I used to get so jealous when he would hang out with his friends. But that is really great that you guys have built a stronger relationship without fighting

 

And nice work with the yoga! I love vinyasa and there are couple of neat studios in my area that have that. I think I have been going since August, I started a 60 day challenge in the beginning of January and on day 18 my boyfriend broke up with me, haha. So I didn't get to complete it and I have been going back at my own pace which I am happy with right now. Hopefully I can start another challenge soon!

[lonely92]

So inspiring, thank you and keep updating us

[beingawesome]

Decided to update, since I'm bored at work and it's been wow 4 months since I last wrote! Things are still going great with the boyfriend. Starting this month we have officially moved back in together, though we've pretty much been living together for the past few months. We rarely fight nowadays, once a month tops, but our communication makes those fights no big deal. I love that I can just bring up an issue without worrying about him shutting down, and even when I'm angry he tries his best to listen compassionately. This is definitely the healthiest relationship I've ever been in, and I know that it's only possible now because I'm dedicated to being healthy myself! Both of us have picked up some new hobbies and friends, and we're always encouraging each other to pursue things that will make us happy. Now that I spend my time living my own life (and not trying to control his), my boyfriend is no longer anxious before telling me about his plans and doesn't feel like he's asking for permission.

 

We're doing a pretty good job of staying balanced, but it's good to know that our relationship is a priority for him as well. During the move, he got in contact with an ex friend of his in order to return a mattress. This 'friend' had decided to cut off the friendship when my boyfriend and I got back together (he and I never got along) and had never responded to any of my boyfriend's requests to work it out or talk about it. Suddenly he was inviting my boyfriend to events that only confirmed my impression of him (things like 'drunken olympics' at 30 years old), all the while being passive aggressive about it. My boyfriend knows my stance and is aware of the drama and complications that could result from renewing that friendship, so he hasn't accepted any invitations. According to him, it's just not worth it.

 

So that's about it, nothing too exciting. I saw him before work today but won't see him until 11pm or midnight since he has a softball game, and I'm trying a pole dancing class for the first time. The old me probably would have felt neglected or anxious (getting "bad thoughts" during the time we're apart), but I'm just excited to try something new and satisfied with the animal gifs he sends me during his work breaks.

[frodo284]

So happy to hear a success story on here BeingAwesome. My ex sounds a lot like yours..in terms of 'issues' on his end of the relationship. Just passed a full month of no initiative contact on my end. My heart is still there and I miss him dearly. I've tried going on a couple dates recently but nothing feels right..or matches up to the life qualities my ex had to offer (which are healthy and important overall). He has emailed me a couple times during NC but my responses were 2-4 words max. I almost want to reach out and ask if there is anything left at some point myself.

[beingawesome]

So happy to hear a success story on here BeingAwesome. My ex sounds a lot like yours..in terms of 'issues' on his end of the relationship. Just passed a full month of no initiative contact on my end. My heart is still there and I miss him dearly. I've tried going on a couple dates recently but nothing feels right..or matches up to the life qualities my ex had to offer (which are healthy and important overall). He has emailed me a couple times during NC but my responses were 2-4 words max. I almost want to reach out and ask if there is anything left at some point myself.

 

If you do, please prepare yourself for the worst possible response. I'm not making any predictions or assumptions, but it's best to brace yourself for the worst. When I finally reached out, I found out that he was dating someone! That was like a punch in the gut, and if I had gone in blind, I probably would have been even more crushed. Also, it's better not to focus or plan a timeline for contact (or even respond to his contact for that matter!), because it can keep you from moving forward and distancing yourself from the heartbreak. The less emotional and attached you are to what happened, the more stable you'll be for whatever happens in the future. Keep moving forward and healing - I wish you the best of luck!

[frodo284]

If you do, please prepare yourself for the worst possible response. I'm not making any predictions or assumptions, but it's best to brace yourself for the worst. When I finally reached out, I found out that he was dating someone! That was like a punch in the gut, and if I had gone in blind, I probably would have been even more crushed. Also, it's better not to focus or plan a timeline for contact (or even respond to his contact for that matter!), because it can keep you from moving forward and distancing yourself from the heartbreak. The less emotional and attached you are to what happened, the more stable you'll be for whatever happens in the future. Keep moving forward and healing - I wish you the best of luck!

 

Thanks again. I'm a big nervous and perplexed as to when/how go about breaching the NC to say anything. It's officially a month today since he sent the last text (an aggressive one at that) but within 2 weeks I got a happy birthday message, then a week later an invitation to stay on his insurance for several more months. I'm afraid to reach out..maybe I should wait a bit longer and see if he initiates more contact???

 

I, like you, am curious to see if there is anything left between us. My true gut/heart says there is..... and I'm sure my silence has done some good in this role. Most importantly, I have improved myself a lot in this time.

[bb1205]

Hi being awesome!

 

Not quite sure how often you come around but if anyone else wants to chime in I'd appreciate it.

 

I went through a very very similar break up with my ex of 3 years. We were each others first love, both young at ages 20-23, and him 21-24. We had overall a good relationship but same thing happened in the last month of it, which coincidentally, happens to coincide perfectly with your dates. We started arguing a lot and he felt like he just couldn't be in the relationship anymore because it was causing him too much stress. The twist to the story is that I broke up with him first because I couldn't take the way he was treating me. We fought about little things, he didn't put any effort into the relationship, i became somewhat of a nuisance to him. I had noticed a decline in our relationship in the months before that, he was somewhat emotionally distant but always "there" enough that I never had serious doubts - until the last month.

 

In your story you took a lot of blame for the fights you guys were having and the communication problems. We had those too but I really feel like it was more his fault than mine, but that's subjective.

 

After I broke up with him, I continuously reached out to him to try to get us back to what we used to be and work towards being the couple we had been before. He considered it and toyed around with the idea for about two weeks, but after those two weeks we me up to talk and he told me he just couldn't do it anymore. The fighting was taking a toll on his work life and personal life and he felt so stressed out by us. Obviously that hurt so so much to hear. I cried a lot and tried to get him to change his mind but nothing worked.

 

He went through a relief period as well, I'm not sure how long but it was somewhere between 1 and 2 months, until I saw some stuff on facebook that I could tell meant he was starting to miss me. This entire past month of october I can tell he's been missing me and sad just how your ex told you he was feeling, but he has not reached out. We have been in no contact for 3 1/2 months now, and broken up according to his date for 4, according to my date for 4 1/2.

 

Last week our mutual friend divulged to me that he's started to miss me and have his bad days where the thinks about me but obviously he has not made contact yet and that doesn't mean anything until someone makes contact.

 

I honestly can't even imagine having the power to reach out to him after everything I've been through the last four months. I've suffered a lot, cried a lot, but I've also forced myself to go out every weekend with friends and really focus on work. Him and I run in the same crowd, so I know he isn't dating anyone else and he knows that I am not either. We have mutual friends so I can't imagine that it would be that hard for him to figure out where i stand in terms of feelings about him and/or the breakup if he really wanted to for the right reasons.

 

I guess my question to everyone is should I wait for him to reach out rather than initiate contact? Again this story is so similar to mine, and I applaud you for having strength to do so but I believe that he would need to come to me and be very humble about an apology and somewhat adamant about wanting to get back together.

 

Can I get some opinions on this story and my own?

 

Thanks guys