stressing about relationship with my ex husband

[savignon]

I really, truly honestly want to have a good relationship with my ex husband for the sake of our daughter. He is an extraordinarily defensive person who will start a fight about annnnnything, holds things I've said 3, 6, 9 months ago over my head, takes anything I say offensively. He was impossssssible to live with and be married to but I realllly want my daughter to see us get along and not feel like she has to choose or favor one of us.

Tonight is the first night she's spending the night at his place. He lives in a bedroom of a house that I've never seen (I know where the house is and have been as far as the driveway). I asked him today "assuming the family is nice and safe? Hopefully she can become friends with their daughter" and he goes on a tangent about how I don't trust him, blah, blah, blah. Then he says I'm going to get to have her for all the holidays and I on the spot said I'd cancel all our plans and he could have her for Thanksgiving or Christmas or whatever he wants and he said no but I 'obviously don't consider him when I'm making my plans'. During our marriage he lied to my face every single day about everything under the sun and was having 2 affairs for a year and a half. He was impossssssible to get along with and we fought about anything and everything. Today he said "well you always say that you have always been financially responsible for her" and I said "outside of you spliting her daycare, that's true. I buy all her clothes and food and jackets and shoes..why are you picking a fight with me?" and he just got all pissy and started to put her in the car. I told him he hasn't changed at all and is an . I actually rarely go off on him for the sake of keeping the peace and when I do he will remember it for the next 8 years.

I do not know how to get along with him and really don't want to damage my daughter's emotional wellbeing. Nor do I want to be passive and say "okay, good...whatever you say". I am at my wits end.

I am soooooo upset that he picked a fight with me right before what was supposed to be something so fun and exciting for our daughter. She has been looking forward to it all week and so have I and made plans to go out for the first time in ages. I just don't understand why he had to leave me with SUCH an awful feeling before taking her for the night. Now I won't be able to enjoy myself or sleep which is exaaaaactly how I spent our whooooole marriage!! Anytime I had plans, or just as we were about to leave for a holiday/vacation/time with my family, he would pick a fight and ruin the whoooooole thing.

Please help!!!

[FreedomRing]

Take your power back chica! Don't let him ruin your free night. You're letting him rent head space and that's a no no. It's not passive in the least to blow him off by refusing to engage when he's being pissy. It's actually taking the high road, and even a teeny bit patronizing to reply with "sure, whatever you feel - LATER!". The more you practice doing it, the more it will become second nature. Easier said then done, I realize. But he IS your EX-husband now. You get to relish in not putting up with his bull any longer so reclaim your happiness - at all times!

[Moontiger]

When he throws a fit say very sternly, "I think we should only communicate via email until you calm down" then hang up. Email may be better because if he goes off you have it in writing and you can think about how to respond instead of being put on the spot. Repeat until he get the message that you will not put up with his tantrums.

[bulletproof]

Nor do I want to be passive and say "okay, good...whatever you say".

 

This would not be passive, it would be smart.

 

Nothing you say is ever going to change him. I realize that is a difficult thing to hear and accept, but it is most likely true.

 

If he is treating your daughter badly at any point, then of course you should speak up, and use legal means to remedy the situation. But if you don't get sucked into his argument, you are not being passive.

[Jeffbobo]

He sounds like my ex wife. So we went from seeing each other, to phone calls and now just text. Had to cut it down to just text. I would like to do just e-mail but she won't send me her e-mail address (have no clue what it is). I could have had a record of all the crazy things she's said. I've also had to have her re-read what she texts me on occasion (that's what I was hoping to get in e-mail). This was all over a two year period. So what works for me is a kids schedule that everyone understands and follows and just ignoring the texts that that have no relevance post divorce. When I didn't engage (take the bait) it eventually stopped. Even the texts where she said, "stop ignoring me" I ignored. It takes time but he will eventually quit if you stop engaging.

 

Also, put your past behind you. Who cares what he's done (assuming he wasn't abusive to your daughter). It's history. It doesn't matter. If he's willing to step up to the plate and be a father to his daughter, then get that schedule set in stone.

[AutumnBorn]

He sounds very angry. Here's an idea. Never engage, stay calm, and respond with something like:

 

"Thanks for sharing that with me. I'll certainly give it consideration. I've got to run, I'm late."

 

Then leave. He wants to engage you in some sort of exchange and, chances are, his anger is due to his not being in control. You can train him on how to engage by leaving every time he starts in on you.

 

That's what I tried to do with my ex. We get along fine now. When B figured out he couldn't talk with or spend time with me if he insulted me or picked a fight, he stopped. He really wanted to see, talk to, and spend time with me. The first time I successfully did it, you should have seen the stunned look on his face. Priceless.

 

Good luck!

[savignon]

Wow- great advice everyone! I really appreciate it. He is very angry and could write a book on how to play the victim at all times....he's exhausting. But he is good to our daugther and does love her very much. If that ever changes he'll see my reaaaallll ugly side. For now I will just tell him I have to run and we can text later. Love it.

Thanks!

[SooSad33]

He reminds me of my alcaholic ex- a narcassist . All about THEM and everyone else is at fault! (whatever!).

Any way you can work out so someone else comes to get her for him.. or meet at a public place so he won't act out? That's how I ended up having to do it.

 

He has NO control over you- remember that. If he starts- ignore don't (try not to) argue back. Say we'll talk later & let them go....she doesn't need that either.

As for YOUR time.. work on it, I know it bothers you- but try not to let it all get to you. Tonight will come to an end and she is with dad. Enjoy YOUR time.. of peace.

 

good luck