Is it wise to ignore my ex-bf's messages if I want him back?

[littlefeet]

hi there. . . you've gotten lots of helpful advice, so I just wanted to say for ever bad stretch, there are good ones too. it's hard, that feeling of loving someone even though your logic tells you to try not to. This is a rough time of year, though; so much to be emotional about--I've had similar text/non-text spurts the past few days too & chalked it up to even the least emotional guy having his memories. You're doing well, though; keep going with your life & see what happens, though I sincerely hope some of the holiday season will also bring you joy!

[Tryingtobestrong]

News,

 

got a text from him today. It said: Hi X, how are you? Scary to think that you and XXX (my sister) were on the same beaches that have been washed away by the Tsunami. Look after yourself, XX

 

Just for info, been with my sister to Thailand in August.

 

Wow, I could not believe it when I received his message. Today I had been so sad and thought that I was not going to hear from him for a very long time, and bam there he sends this message.

 

Before I even read it I decided to not react to it straight away. Not repeat the mistake I made last time and call him or write back straight away, but wait and think about what I want to say.

 

I am thinking about writing an answer tomorrow saying something along the lines of: Hi XX, I am doing good, thanks. Yes it is horrible what is happening in SE-Asia. Wish there was something I could do to help. How was your vacation in England? Take care, XXX

 

What do you think? Should I not ask about his trip to England, though I would really love to hear about it? Should I send a longer message? Take an extra day to reply? I would love to sign with Love. Would that be a mistake?

 

He is addressing me by the first letter of my name only, should I reply in kind, or use his nickname, that I usually use?

 

So many questions, I know. Sorry, but I dont want to mess up again.

 

I felt so relieved after I received his message. I think there is no reason for him to write to me besides him wanting to hear from me and wanting to talk to me. How do you see that?

 

I was very down because I counted the days I had not heard from him (12). But when I count the days he has not contacted me since he came back from his trip, they only amount to 1! So I am telling myself something like: Guy cant go for two days without contacting you!

 

I know it is all very silly, but this little message really lifted my mood.

 

Thanks for all your suggestions!

[Hope75]

Hey Trying,

 

I think your message that you want to send is fine, no longer than that though..... Just call him whatever nickname you want but I wouldn't sign it "Love XXX". Just sign your initial and leave it at that. I would send it tomorrow.

 

The last thing you want to do is drive him away prematurely. I say keep it casual and see what happens next.

 

8) Good Luck!

[Tryingtobestrong]

Thanks for your reply Hope.

 

Anybody else have a suggestion?

[lilred]

I agree, you want to keep everything casual---pretend like you're doing peachy keen (even if it hurts like hell)---try your best not to talk about "us" if you can

----going on a tangent--even though i know relationship problems make us feel so terrible--sometimes you gotta put things in perspective--e.g. like seeing the thousands dead in asia--can make u appreciate the fact that we have our health and live in a country of wealth and excess--a broken heart will mend eventually ---stay strong!

[Softmoonlight]

I found that nc worked wonders for me. I begged and pleaded with a bf of mine to come back to me, and he was annoyed. When I completely ignored him, his phone calls and emails, he began getting desperate for my attention. Especially when he heard i was going on dates with another guy. I don't know if I'd respond to his text message is what I'm saying = )

 

Tryingtobestrong, I would go out on a date or two if I were you. Not only will it boost your self image, it may give your ex the kick he needs to move in the right direction = ) However, that's a last resort trick = )

 

i hope you are doing alright!

[Tryingtobestrong]

Hi you all,

 

thanks for your replies. Just want to let you know that I sent him a text from work yesterday.

 

I was really busy at work, but I did not want to put it off because I wanted to stop thinking about whether or not I should write, and I wanted to put the ball back into his corner.

 

So I just sent him a quick text. It went something like: Hi XX, I am doing good, thanks. What's happening in SE-Asia is horrible, wish I could help. Hope your vacation in England was fun. Love, XXXX (my whole name not just initial)

 

Now it is back to wait and see if he contacts me and in what way. It is funny that I wanted to get it over with and be able to stop thinking about it. Strange.

 

Anyway, if I hear from him, I will let you know.

 

Thanks for your advice and happy new Year

[Tryingtobestrong]

Hi,

 

it is 7 days later and I still have not heard back from him.

 

Today it is a month since I stopped initiating contact. Dont know if that is a sad or happy day to mark.

 

I still have him on my mind constantly, but the more days go by, the more I accept that this is really over and he just does not want me anymore.

 

Problems start when I hear from him again, because then all my feelings and hopes come back.

 

Today it is 9 days since I last heard from him.

 

On the 12th it will be 2 months since we last saw each other. Definitely a sad day.

 

I guess there is nothing I can do but leave him alone and maybe one day he will figure out that he was happiest with me and wants us back, if he does not then I should not be with him anyway, right?

 

Just felt like venting today.

 

Take care everyone.

[PrincessLinzay]

Good to hear from you hun.

 

Sorry today is a bad day. Remember though, your message was pretty simple, didn't really leave any room for a response.

 

Hi XX, I am doing good, thanks. What's happening in SE-Asia is horrible, wish I could help. Hope your vacation in England was fun. Love, XXXX

 

There are good days and bad days. The thing to remember is that You Will Get Through This! I like that saying "If it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger"

 

Writing really does help, and we're all here for you! Hang in there!

[makeshiftdoll]

Hello dear,

 

I've just finished reading this thread, and I completely understand what you're going through right now. You will get to a point where you won't even wonder if he's going to call or contact - but in order for you to get there, you have to distract yourself from him. Much easier said than done, but that's really the only option you have to be genuinely happy.

 

I was at a point that whenever I'd see the little envelope thing on my phone appear saying "The Idiot has sent you a message" (well, not "The Idiot" exactly, but that's what he is) it was like someone injected happy juice into my veins. My heart would race, I would stare at the text like God had just sent me the next commandment. Nevermind it when he called! He had a special ringtone, and whenever it would come on, it was like freak-out central! A celebrity was calling me! So ridiculous.

 

If he wants to talk to you further, he will contact you. This doesn't mean that if he doesn't contact you that he doesn't care, he might feel awkard and unsure how to handle it. Regardless of the reasons, they are not for you to worry about. This time you now have without him, take advantage of it. Improve something in your life. Start doing something that will remind you of *you* and not of him.

 

My ex and I have been broken up since the beginning of September. We dated for the summer, he is my friend's brother. He is dating someone else now, someone he doesn't have to meet expectations with. He couldn't handle a mature relationship with me, and now that I think of it... I guess it was a blessing. Perhaps one day, if he grows up, things might work out. For now, I'm worried about me. We still talk, but it's very awkward. There are feelings there, but that means jack if he won't act on them. So, I'm doing my own thing. Some days I get sad... some days I can't listen to songs because they remind me of him... so what I do (it helps me a lot) if that happens is I write him an email and send it to myself. It feels good to write it because it's almost as if you are going to send it to them - there's some relief in that... but after it's written, you'll find yourself debating on sending it... and then you won't. It just seems to work that way. Anyway, that helps me tremendously.

 

You will be JUST FINE. You are obviously a passionate girl that any guy would be lucky to have love him. Hopefully, he will realize this and you two will come to reconcile in the future - but regardless of when or if that happens, get back to yourself first. It'll be slow and tough, but it's inevitable.

[Tryingtobestrong]

Dear Ladies,

 

thanks for your replies.

 

I am glad you found my thread Princess, as I always look forward to your replies.

 

It is strange that they keep moving my post around. From Second chances to breaking up and now ex-bf/gf relationships. wonder where they will move it next? 'Lost causes'?

 

I am glad you pointed out that my message was very simple. You are right, it might not be evident to him that I am expecting a reply. Which ultimately might be for the best.

 

I would love to hear from him, but I know that if I am going to feel less attached to him, I am going to need a long time without contact.

 

Knowing myself I probably would not be able to ignore a nice message from him, so I guess I should be grateful to him for not contacting me as he could easily be stringing me along but does not.

 

Did I mention that I wish he would have done something really mean or unforgiveable to me? Then it would be much easier for me to move on.

 

But he is a great guy who just fell out of love with me, or decided that I am not the ONE for him, and it is only fair if he does not waste my time if he knows that he will never want to marry me or start a family with me.

 

One of my best friends was together with this woman over ten years ago. She ended things because he was not the one. She never treated him badly and they have stayed in loose contact.

 

Well, she is remarried with children and apparently living a happy life. He on the other hand never forgot about her and is still comparing every woman he meets to her. Just recently he told me that he still thinks about her every couple of days. And that 10 years!!!! later.

 

I am afraid that it will be the same with my guy and that I will never really get over him.

 

Well, just felt like sharing some of my thoughts.

 

Hope you are all doing good. I'll keep you posted if anything happens on my front.

[Tryingtobestrong]

Oh gosh, watch out, a vent coming up!!!

 

Guess what, I just received a text from my ex! Is he reading this site? That's actually possible because a) he is in IT and told me a few times in the past he could get my email password if he wanted to, but mostly b) it seems that whenever I post on here saying that I have not heard from him in a while, I suddenly get a text.

 

So if you are reading this Nudnik, fess up and tell me you are reading my mail!

 

Okay, for all of you who are not my ex, let me tell you what he wrote:

 

Hi X, I have to tell someone my good news, so I will tell you. Sorry. I just got a 10% payrise. Not great but better than nothing, Name

 

Okay, so there are a few things that jump out to me from this message.

 

First of all he sent it a few minutes past midnight. Ever since I met him he has never been in bed after 11pm. So him texting me that late is really odd.

 

Then if he has to tell 'someone' and choses me to be the one, that tells me that he does not have a new girl yet, and apparently no friends either.

Also, cut the crap, I am sure he told his friends and family at home already.

 

His 'sorry': For a while now whenever he contacts me he apologises for it. There is always a 'sorry to bother you', 'you dont have to reply if you dont want to'... in his messages. Why? I practically reply all of the time and my replies are always cheery, friendly and polite. Never have I complained about him contacting me.

 

I guess he gets that idea because I dont initiate contact and ignored his messages for a few weeks back in November.

So if he thinks I dont want to hear from him, but he still contacts me for nonsense, that seems to me a lot like he longs for contact.

 

Last thing: He signed the text with his full name. He has never done that since the first two weeks after we met. It has always been his initials, as in AJ.

 

The only reason I can come up with for this is that he wants to sound more formal. Back when we had that phonecall in December I announced myself with my fullname instead of the nickname I used to use. He was visibly surprised and repeated my name like 3 times. So I guess that's his reason.

 

Makes all sense if you dont count the reply I sent him 10 days ago in which I signed with Love, and my nickname. Which makes me feel like he never got that message.

dont know for sure but that day I had problems with my mobile and missed a text and call from a friend. If he did not get it that would explain why he did not reply for so long.

 

Okay, dont worry end of vent is coming up.

 

I actually hope that he did not get my reply because that would make today day 22 of my NC. Not bad for me.

 

So how do I feel about that text? I cant deny that I am excited, but I also feel a bit sorry for him. That is kinda pathetic, to text the ex a message about your payrise because you have to tell 'someone' and there is no one else. Poor guy!

 

What am I gonna do now? Hmm, not reply for a few days for sure, and then maybe send a mail that says 'Congratulations'. Nothing more.

 

G-d, this guy is pathetic somehow. Cant make up his mind. Either stay out of my life or say that you want back in. dont send those stupid messages.

 

Anyway, as usual any opinions are greatly appreciated.

Take care all you good people!

[Mun]

, but I also feel a bit sorry for him. That is kinda pathetic, to text the ex a message about your payrise because you have to tell 'someone' and there is no one else. Poor guy!

...

G-d, this guy is pathetic somehow. Cant make up his mind. Either stay out of my life or say that you want back in. dont send those stupid messages.

I think you need to make up your mind a bit girl. Is he pathetic or are you flattered that he would think to message you when he can just choose to forget about you. Do you want him or don't you?

 

Maybe you should try being friends with him. I think it's great that he thinks enough of you to want to share some very good news with you.

[Tryingtobestrong]

Dear Muneca,

 

good to hear from you again.

 

I think my mind is made up good. I would like him back, but only if he wants to come back wholeheartedly.

 

All he is doing now is stringing me along by sending me random messages every couple of weeks. Dont you agree?

When I read other people's threads and the exes send messages like that, people always comment that they are being strung along by their ex until the ex finds someone new.

 

He never came out and said something about wanting me, about missing me or even wanting to see me again.

 

Quite probably, if I sent him a reply back wishing him my congratulations, I would not hear from him again for a couple of weeks.

Is that the kind of friendship you are suggesting I have with him?

 

Feels like all the power is in his hands. He can just contact me whenever he likes, but I have to wait and sit tight until he decides to do so.

 

Some time ago you suggested to ignore his messages unless they are respectful and caring. Are you taking that back?

Do you think this message was respectful? I did not think so. I think in a respectful message he would have at least asked 'How are you' and would not have ended it with just his name signed, but with something like 'take care'.

 

Last night after I got his message I was feeling quite confident again for the first time in a few weeks. I'd rather stick to that feeling than subject myself to the eternal limbo, which being in contact with him somehow is.

 

Does anyone else have an opinion on his message?

Do you all think that I should be grateful and flattered that he sent this text?

[Mun]

I don't think it was a rude message. I think it was just a message and he wanted to share the news with you. To you it might be seen as uncaring and such because you want more and you are waiting for more. The thing is that you shouldn't be "waiting"

 

Get on with your own life and your own interests, friends, hobbies... date other guys. Don't spend your time waiting for him to make up his mind or you will just end up frustrating yourself.

 

It's always your choice if you want to reply or not and if you feel that he is just stringing you along then maybe you shouldn't. If he wants a decent conversation he can always call you up right?

[PrincessLinzay]

~Hey Tryingtobestrong~

 

Upon reading the recent news, I would have to say I think you should be flattered more than insulted. You were who he wanted to contact about his good news. The fact that he contacted you late at night could also stand to show that he was up late, thinking about you. That's another good thing right?

 

It's no secret that exes often send stupid, meaningless texts as a means of keeping communication open. He probably just wants to hear from you, and that was the only thing he could think of. The "sorry to bother you", is just his way of testing the waters. What he probably wants to hear is "you're not bothering me".

 

However, if you are feeling strung along and uncomfortable with these messages, by all means, do not reply. You can keep up NC and wait until he finds something legitimate to say. It's all about you and how you feel, so only do what you think is best and are comfortable with. Good Luck and keep us all posted!

[Tryingtobestrong]

Wow, things are happening.

 

I just received an email from him. Wow, ever since he broke up with me he never sent me an email, only ever texts.

 

In his email he asked about how I am doing and if I could send him some info about a tv license. He even admitted that he could do it himself, but that he'd rather ask me.

 

He also signed with love.

 

Okay, now I am confused. Is this his way of trying to reconnect or is my NC showing effects?

 

I guess I will reply to his mail as it was nice and respectful. I just must not get my hopes up and think that he wants to reconcile.

 

Do any of you think I should not reply to his message, but rather ignore it? Is he just checking if I am still around, and once I reply he will retreat again?

 

Guess that's a risk I have to take. I will keep you posted on any updates.

[Hope75]

Hi Trying,

 

Just wondering if you ended up replying to his email?

 

Not sure what the motive is, but he admitted he was pretty much using an excuse to talk to you, and this is good. 8)

 

Keep us posted!

 

Hope

[Tryingtobestrong]

Hi,

 

have not replied to his mail or text yet.

 

I feel strangely calm. I am quite sure that he is only contacting me because my NC makes him nervous, but not because he wants a second chance.

 

I believe that if I reply he will feel reassured about me still caring about him and he will feel free to not contact me for a while or go and date other people.

 

Now, I dont want to give him this reassurance, so I think it would be better to ignore his messages. But, I also dont want to come accross as rude and give him the feeling that I am angry at him. So am in a pickle. Will probably send a short reply 2 days from now or so.

 

Something that is weird is that I am really not telling myself how his messages are proof of him still loving me, as I used to do in the past. I guess I am more realistic about this and thereforeeee calmer than before.

 

Another thing is that I dont want him to suggest meeting up. I am feeling quite calm and composed right now, but I think meeting up would be a setback. Now, the last thing I want to do is tell him that. Never show him that I care.

 

So I want to keep my message as distant as possible in order to disencourage any suggestion for meeting up.

 

Is not that strange? Up until a few days ago, I would have probably jumped in the middle of night if he had asked me to meet, but now I dread that possibility. Maybe I am really coming to grips with this breakup.

 

Is not there a saying that goes like 'Once you disconnect they come back'? Could be true. Maybe he can sense somehow that he is not my be-all have-all anymore.

 

Had a great weekend and caught myself smiling a few times. Dont wanna do anything to jeopardise this good feeling.

 

I will keep you posted.

[detox5]

NC makes him nervous, i like that, hey trim, heres a word of advice for you, I just read the whole post tonite, took me ages. do the same, remind yourself how far you have come and remind yourself of the dark days, that you dont wanna go down there again.

I think that helps to make you focus on your decisions at this point, i really admire your NC process, im starting mine tomorrow, but me and my ex are on good talkin terms, lets see how she likes it when she starts to find out shes beginning to loose me and is not in fact inpower of me anymore.

good on you and keep updating!

[Tryingtobestrong]

Hi detox,

 

thanks for your post. What did you mean by 'hey trim, heres a word of advice for you'? Or was that not directed towards me?

 

I will keep you all posted if anything happens. Will probably send him a reply on tuesday or so.

 

Does anyone think it would be perfectly fine to just totally ignore his messages, without it being rude?

 

I would love to hear that, so if you do, please let me know.

[detox5]

I forgot what i was gonna say to the, hers some advice for you, but heres something that you just did, that wont help you.

 

I think at times you know what yu want, and know what to do, but you post to get replies, for energy, if you feel down then that is a different story.

 

but i would do the same, i would be in a position where i KNEW what i was doing, and then make posts cause i used it as a source of energy, and then i would get side tracked, just be careful, im problery wrong, but i did it at one stage.

[Mun]

Becareful about playing games now...or when things start looking better.. IF you still want him back.

 

I think you should reply in a day or so. Keep it brief and friendly. You don't have to reply to every single message, but you shouldn't be rude too --unless you don't want him in your life anymore at all. Instead be more relaxed about how you respond and see what happens.

[Tryingtobestrong]

Dear Muneca,

 

I dont want to play games, but I am just scared of a relapse.

 

I am in a positon right now where I feel much better than I did some weeks ago, but I am not at the point yet where I dont care anymore if he contacts me or not.

 

I dont want to make a mistake at this crucial point, because I think it might be the tipping point. I feel like what I am going to do now will decide the outcome of the whole story.

 

So what I would wish for is some more time to get strength and feel better about myself.

 

There are two possible outcomes to my sending him a reply that worry me:

 

1) He just starts NC again. If he does that I will be really angry at myself for replying to him. Maybe a few more weeks of me ignoring him and he would have come knocking on my door.

 

2) He asks to meet up as friends. I think at this point if we would meet up I might see him and all the progress I made would be distroyed. He might be genuinely interested in a friendship, but I am not ready for that just now. Maybe in a few months or so.

 

So my preferred outcome would be for him to reply after a few days or so in a friendly, caring way, but without suggesting a meeting. How likely is it that this is going to happen?

 

I am spending way too much time thinking about it again. I wish I could focus on other things. So I guess I am going to send him a mail tomorrow, just to get out of the way and put the ball back in his corner.

 

I am feeling like a pathetic loser right now, wish I could see this much calmer. But I knew this was going to happen. I dont hear from him for a while and I am fine, but once he contacts me I am back in the old turmoil.

[keefy1972]

Hi, I just finished reading this entire thread and it has been interesting to see the ups and downs of your situation. They mirror mine and probably everyone else who has experienced breaking up with someone you love.

 

It is somewhat interesting to see how you were longing to hear from him and every time you did, you had to vent frustrations over it. You would be happy at first, analyze the message, and get angry because they didn't say "I want you back". You have to realize that you are doing the N/C thing. Not him. Don't you think that, at this point, he is realizing that he is the one that is initiating all of the contact between you two? Hence his, "Sorry to bother you" opening lines in the messages. He came right out and admitted in this last e-mail that he is using every excuse he can think of to contact you. I think the time is right, if it is indeed what you want, for you to begin re-establishing a consistent dialogue with him. At this point he is not going to know that you want him back because you have not let him know how miserable you have been.

 

I don't think it would be such a horrible idea to, out of the blue, send him a simple text that tells him you are thinking about him. No more than that and no less. Not as a reply, but as something you initiated. That would be your way of letting him know then that it would be safe for him to express himself in that way. Until you let him know that he is going to fear rejection from you just the same as you do from him. He seems to want you in his life and you want him to be in yours also. Granted, you can't just jump back into the relationship where you left off, and who really wants to, you guys are going to have to rebuild the relationship. But thats all just my little advice. I don't know anything about this kind of stuff either or I wouldn't be suffering just like you are.