Really down

[Redabc123]

If you have ever read my post then you know my dating like has been a train wreck. My final blow was last night when the guy I have been talking to has completely started to ignore me for no reason. I have no idea what Im doing wrong. I have tried online dating for over a year on POF and everyone I have met has turned out to be losers, I have met people through friends and in different places and I still have not made a connection. I get compliments alot but I guess my looks and career are not enough because there guys either begin ignoring me for no reason or Im just not interested. I spent the night crying because I feel like im never going to find anyone. I have been single for more than 2 years. I dont want to give up because I know there is someone out there for me. I have down soul searching and have taken time for myself but still feel like there is a piece missing, Im just ready to meet someone. If anyone can give me suggestions on what to do that would be great. You guys have given me so much good advice in the past and now I need your help again. Thank you!

[missmarple]

I've been single for over 2 years, too. I also get compliments, I'm (reasonably pretty, I have a good job and I've also tried friends/groups/online dating...and yet I'm still single. It's not that easy to find someone special...some people are luckier than others, some people may compromise more etc etc etc.

About the guy who started ignoring you...well, how long have you known him and why are you so sure that you're doing something wrong?

The only thing that stood out for me in your post was the fact that you tried online dating for over a year and you only met losers..that can't be right. Some of them must have been nice but just not your type?

[mhowe]

Is this the quy who is basically a FWB relationship?

[tattoobunnie]

Honey - join the club!! Let's say I told you that you will date, and meet the love of your life in another 14 months? Nice, right? Not so bad, right? What I mean is, not only is it a numbers game, but you just have to remember, you will find someone!!!!! Do not beat yourself up, and do not lose hope. You gotta kiss a lot of frogs. This process (this whole crap load) is teaching you how to spot red flags, not stick around for duds, and really get to know what you want out of a relationship, what you will accept, and not put up with. Just be true to yourself, always, never settle for BS, and you'll find each other.

 

I know that's so polly-anna of me to say to you, but I've seen it time and time again. Something within us realizes what we want in life, and accept and truly love themselves no matter if they end up with someone, and BAM - it just happens.

 

Chin up. It may feel like forever and a half - but it'll happen. Just have fun, and enjoy yourself. And kick duds the curb asap!

[Redabc123]

Is this the quy who is basically a FWB relationship?

 

Oh no him and I stopped communicating, I met someone about a month ago and he out of no where cancelled our date because he said he was"sick" we talked all weekend and then out of no where he starts ignoring me.

[mhowe]

He is sick. And you talked all weekend and it is 12:45 on Monday.

 

If he cancelled the date because he was sick, then talked to you all weekend --- I would believe him until proven otherwise.

I have had that bug recently, and I didn't even want to talk to my bf.

 

If you have been chatting for a month -- you need to stop focusing so much on a "new" bf and all that --- relax.

[Me82]

Well. It's not the end. You talked all the weekend, and he was sick.

 

now let the guy misses you, and chase you. If he doesn't, time to next him.

Sometimes not being too available helps. I'm not saying you should play games, but let him show you that he is interested and even if you aren't that interested he still wants to talk to you. Men like a little challenge.

[Redabc123]

I've been single for over 2 years, too. I also get compliments, I'm (reasonably pretty, I have a good job and I've also tried friends/groups/online dating...and yet I'm still single. It's not that easy to find someone special...some people are luckier than others, some people may compromise more etc etc etc.

About the guy who started ignoring you...well, how long have you known him and why are you so sure that you're doing something wrong?

The only thing that stood out for me in your post was the fact that you tried online dating for over a year and you only met losers..that can't be right. Some of them must have been nice but just not your type?

 

No they were all losers in the end, they started off very nice and attentive I thought we got along great then something happens where one day im talking to them and the next day im not, like this last person. I only knew him for a month we hung out twice talked everyday, he said he was very interested in my complimented me daily, we had a date scheduled and he said he was sick talked all weekend, we talked yesterday morning and then he just begins ignoring my text for no reason nothing was said bad. He was online liking pictures on instagram so I know he read my text and the last one I sent. but they pretty much all end up that way.

 

I have tried meeting guys in other way but they havent worked out, usually just not compatiable. But thank you for the encouraging words, ill try to keep my head up and my fingers crossed.

[Redabc123]

He is sick. And you talked all weekend and it is 12:45 on Monday.

 

If he cancelled the date because he was sick, then talked to you all weekend --- I would believe him until proven otherwise.

I have had that bug recently, and I didn't even want to talk to my bf.

 

If you have been chatting for a month -- you need to stop focusing so much on a "new" bf and all that --- relax.

 

 

 

Trust me he ignoring me, he was online all day and so I know he saw my messages . but this isnt the first time this has happened to me. I dont even believe he was sick at this point it sounds like he met someone else.

[Redabc123]

Well. It's not the end. You talked all the weekend, and he was sick.

 

now let the guy misses you, and chase you. If he doesn't, time to next him.

Sometimes not being too available helps. I'm not saying you should play games, but let him show you that he is interested and even if you aren't that interested he still wants to talk to you. Men like a little challenge.

 

I sent him a text last night just asking what was wrong and why he was ignoring me, he was online liking girls pictures so he saw my messages and he completely ignored me, so he must not be interested for whatever reason which is werid because we spoke all weekend about how great things were. I was completely taken back and confused

[mhowe]

At one month, you shouldn't be texting all day. And people are allowed to be on line and not respond to a text.

 

I think the common denominator is you --- and your expectations of constant/continuing communication in a relationship that hasn't even started yet.

[Redabc123]

At one month, you shouldn't be texting all day. And people are allowed to be on line and not respond to a text.

 

I think the common denominator is you --- and your expectations of constant/continuing communication in a relationship that hasn't even started yet.

 

I agree with you to a certain extent, but if this person contiues to want to commuicate all day and engage in coversation, I would try to give him space but he would alway be like lets just keep talking, my expectiation were only up to a certain extent. He kept telling me how great I was and how he loved talking to me and couldnt wait for our dates and had great feeling about me. I was not the only one at fault as he was persuing me and but yes it was my fault for believing it.

[SooSad33]

Okay- so you're ready and up for dating... only it hasn't been working for you.

There will come a time when it will. When YOU stop 'trying' it'll just happen. So the ways you've been going about, hasn't gone in your favour. No reason to 'give up'.

 

Like you said>> "I dont want to give up because I know there is someone out there for me".

That's right, there is! Just not there... right now.

You can't MAKE it happen. Just hasn't happened.. yet.

 

How about going with a friend to coffee shop? Take up a hobby or sport? I used to be in Volleyball (Wed nights).

Do some social time, out and about.. You NEVER know.

 

Give it all time.

tc

[t1lersm0m1]

You're only ready for dating once you're happy being single. You must be happy being you. If you have to text guys and ask why they are ignoring you, that's a sign of insecurity. If I'm talking to a guy for a month and he starts ignoring me, I don't ask why, I just move on.

 

As mhowe said, texting and talking all day every day with someone you barely know is too much. They are supposed to get to know you a little at a time, not all at once. You are burning them out.

 

I sent him a text last night just asking what was wrong and why he was ignoring me, he was online liking girls pictures so he saw my messages and he completely ignored me, so he must not be interested for whatever reason which is werid because we spoke all weekend about how great things were. I was completely taken back and confused

[Ms Darcy]

I generally think you have a pattern of insecurity and chasing unavailable men that has been and will continue to torture you in your dating life. You have two choices - you can either keep wondering why your dating life is so bad and keep making the same mistakes or you can start making better choices.

 

I think there are some easy things you can do to get you started on the right path based on your past threads.

 

 

 

Three lessons here:

 

1. If a man tells you he's not ready to date, he MEANS IT. BELIEVE HIM and move on. Don't get roped back into talking to him after that.

2. Asking men a bunch of relationship questions when they aren't interested screams insecurity. Insecurity pushes men away. I think you have pushed a lot of men away from your insecurity.

3. Don't be a victim. If you know a man is not giving you what you want, don't hang around and then accuse him of stringing you along. Walk away.

 

 

 

 

1. Cut off contact with someone who is not interested in what you want - which is a relationship. Don't try to make up excuses to talk to them.

 

 

 

Same lesson as above ... cut contact

 

 

 

1. Constant fighting is a sign of incompatibility. When you know a relationship is bad and is going to end, empower yourself and end it.

 

 

 

1. Don't get into relationships with people who treat you like crap. That reeks of insecurity as you seem like you just don't want to be alone.

2. Again, cut contact.

 

 

 

1. This one is also about cutting contact.

 

 

 

1. This one is also about cutting contact .. again.

2. Show yourself self-respect. Why are you basically begging a man you are no longer with to get back with you while he is doing nothing to show you he wants a relationship with you and is actually dating someone new?

 

 

 

Same as above.

 

1. This one is also about cutting contact .. again.

2. Show yourself self-respect. Why are you basically begging a man you are no longer with to get back with you while he is doing nothing to show you he wants a relationship with you.

 

 

 

1. Don't hop into bed with a man who is not your bf. You want a bf - that is clear. Early sex will only add to your insecurity issues.

 

Overall, this is just a sampling of your threads but there are clear patterns here.

 

A. You need to spend some time working on your self-esteem. Dating is a challenge. It is going to be filled with uninterested or wishy washy guys. The best thing for you to do is to have a full and happy life so you aren't devastated if a bf doesn't come around for a while.

 

B. When you do date, keep it light and not serious. Don't have sex early. Date multiple guys - instead of focusing all of your hopes on one. See where things go and try to relax if it doesn't work out.

 

C. Don't be dramatic. Drama from you seems to come from the emotional questions or communications that belie your desire for a relationship with. Before a man is emotionally invested in you, this feels like you are an insecure girl trying to lock him down and that pushes him away. There is a great book called "Dating without Drama" that can help you have better interactions with men.

 

D. Learn how to let go. If a guy makes any comments about not being ready to date, cut him off. The biggest waste of your time has actually been hanging on to guys who treated you badly or didn't commit because you would not let them go. This is a huge waste of your youth and emotional energy.

 

E. Cut contact. This is part of letting go. It helps you let go and it helps you improve your self-esteem - knowing you had the strength to cut some fool off.

 

This isn't the end-all but it's a start. I think A is the most important. Ultimately, I don't think you are presenting yourself as a strong, fun, confident woman who can handle the ups and downs of a relationship with grace and calm. Doesn't matter how pretty you are; who cares if you have a stable job. Looks get you in the door. Personality and character keep men inside.

[Redabc123]

Well Im highly embarrassed you dug all of that up and I am still learning from my experiences. I know I have personality and character but it seems the men I decided to have in my life dont see that. like this past guy he stroked my ego until no end and not just about my looks but about me as a person. Im not going to lie it hurts that he just started ignoring me, but I honestly dont know what I did wrong this time, last time I could clearly see what I did wrong not this time. but all in all I appreciate your advice and try my best to put this experience behind me as well.

[Redabc123]

You're only ready for dating once you're happy being single. You must be happy being you. If you have to text guys and ask why they are ignoring you, that's a sign of insecurity. If I'm talking to a guy for a month and he starts ignoring me, I don't ask why, I just move on.

 

As mhowe said, texting and talking all day every day with someone you barely know is too much. They are supposed to get to know you a little at a time, not all at once. You are burning them out.

 

I agree with you and thank you for your advice. Im so embarrased for texting him asking him that I should have just left it alone. I think I just got caught up in the constant contact.

[t1lersm0m1]

I don't think anyone here is judging you. We are trying to help you. So don't be embarrassed.

 

I was with my ex husband until early 2009. Dating after marriage was hard. Add to that the fact I hated myself, and I sucked at dating. I dated a bunch of losers, and kept them around because I didn't think I deserved any better. Then I met a great guy in summer 2012 and because of my self-hatred I couldn't believe I deserved the happiness he was bringing so I pushed him away. It took me 6 months to get over a 2 month relationship. I felt devastated. I begged and pleaded for a second chance. All he asked for was time to think because he couldn't understand why I pushed him away. I couldn't give him that time. I became the needy/clingy girl who kept asking him to text me and talk to me more.

 

That was my rock bottom. I dated losers, then I pushed a great guy away. That's when I did my soul searching. I read self help books, and took 5 months to work on my self-esteem. I dated here and there in that time, but nothing serious.

 

Let me tell you, the woman I am is NOTHING like the woman I was last year.

 

I'm sharing my story because I can sense your insecurity, and I want you to know that it is something you can work on, and that if you take the time to work on it, you will forever reep the benefits! Not only has my dating life improved, but my friendships and family relationships.

 

I agree with you and thank you for your advice. Im so embarrased for texting him asking him that I should have just left it alone. I think I just got caught up in the constant contact.

[Redabc123]

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Is it normal to want to text and aplogize or is that the insecurity talking, even though Ive known him for a very short amount of time I felt like there was something there, but I cant figure out if its just me or because I want a response to why hes ignoring me. If you could give me recommendations on any self help books that would be great. I think after my longest relationship two years ago and string of rejection I have lost my self esteem somewhere and have created anxiety for myself which is why I sent him messages (2) asking why he was ignoring me when I should have just left it alone

[t1lersm0m1]

You can text and apologize, that's fine. But only apologize ONCE. If he accepts, move on. If he accepts and you don't hear from him, dont' contact him and keep apologizng. If you feel you did something wrong that warrents and apology, then by all means, apologize ONCE.

 

The best book that helped me, and I'm not the writer so don't want anyone to think I'm benefiting from recomminding it, was "Love Yourself Like YOur Life Depends on it." It's a super short book, like 60 pages, and only a few bucks on Amazon if you buy it for Kindle. There are exercises in the book. They SOUND corny as heck, but they worked for me. It takes time. You won't have healthy self esteem overnight. It took me about 5 months. But it can be done.

 

And once it's done, I promise you, your WHOLE life will change.

 

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Is it normal to want to text and aplogize or is that the insecurity talking, even though Ive known him for a very short amount of time I felt like there was something there, but I cant figure out if its just me or because I want a response to why hes ignoring me. If you could give me recommendations on any self help books that would be great. I think after my longest relationship two years ago and string of rejection I have lost my self esteem somewhere and have created anxiety for myself which is why I sent him messages (2) asking why he was ignoring me when I should have just left it alone

[blah88]

Oh dear ! My heart does go out to you as I feel *exactly* the same way as you do, down to an "e". I have been single for almost 5 years now, and for the first 3 of those, was extremely happy with myself and my life. A lot of people say, when you are truly happy with yourself, things will work out in the dating scene. It didn't.

 

So many guys have flaked on me over the past 2 years, that I've lost track. I just joined the online dating community but honestly won't keeep my hopes up as about 90% of the pool there is not reliable. I know how you feel, as for the last 2 years I am seeing engagemenet posts, getting sweets from happy couples and wedding invites. In fact 2 hours ago someone dropped off sweets at my place to announce the engagement of their son ! I am so sick of it that I have stopped logging onto facebook as it just reminds me of what I don't have.

 

Stay strong....and try to do all those things that make you happy. I know one thing that has helped me through this tough period is just playing a musical instrument that I really enjoy, or reading good literature. It helps keep my mind off things and reminds me that I am talented, and that I am worth it. If some guy can't see that, then I am not going to wait around for him.

 

I would also highly suggest going off facebook for a couple of days...because I notice a lot of people (Including myself), get suckered into believing how everyone's life is oh-so-perfect, and what a gala time theyre having. It doesn't help that facebook is a forum for showing off. Trust me, do this and you'll feel a lot better.

[Ms Darcy]

Well Im highly embarrassed you dug all of that up and I am still learning from my experiences. I know I have personality and character but it seems the men I decided to have in my life dont see that. like this past guy he stroked my ego until no end and not just about my looks but about me as a person. Im not going to lie it hurts that he just started ignoring me, but I honestly dont know what I did wrong this time, last time I could clearly see what I did wrong not this time. but all in all I appreciate your advice and try my best to put this experience behind me as well.

 

It is good that you appreciate the advice but I don't get the sense you learn from it. Instead you respond that you have the personality and too bad men don't see it. I think you are missing the point. I laid out my advice so I won't repeat. But if you do not focus on your self esteem and keep feeling like some sort of victim in dating you are going to spend a lot of time very miserable with your love life.

[Redabc123]

It is good that you appreciate the advice but I don't get the sense you learn from it. Instead you respond that you have the personality and too bad men don't see it. I think you are missing the point. I laid out my advice so I won't repeat. But if you do not focus on your self esteem and keep feeling like some sort of victim in dating you are going to spend a lot of time very miserable with your love life.

 

I am learning from it and am now seeing that I need to stop playing the victim. I did here back from the guy I was talking to last and he said that he felt that I contacted him to much the day he stooped responding to my texts and said that he wanted to remain friends and he said he just wasn't ready. Again it was a definite blow as I really did t contact him any ore than contacted me. But instead of playing the victim I just wished him well and apologized for overcontacting as he put it. He continued to keep texting saying that we would still talk and I just ignored the messages as I have been down that road before. I did however have a really great coffee date with a gentlemen yesterday evening. So hopefully we go out again. But I will not contact him lol I do appreciate the advice and I am learning from it a little at a time

[mhowe]

Texting back and forth with really nothing to say can get...annoying.

 

If you text to say "hi", and get a reply back --- it isn't rude to not send another message.

[Redabc123]

Texting back and forth with really nothing to say can get...annoying.

 

If you text to say "hi", and get a reply back --- it isn't rude to not send another message.

 

I will remember that