What a small world we live in...and how quickly the past comes back up

[Guitarguy_82]

Hey guys...

 

So its been a few months since I've been on here, but it feels like forever! Anyway, here's whats up. Oh and please bear with me, as I can get a little wordy.

 

I was with my sister today getting some food and on the way back home I saw the car of one of my old ex's (well she was more of a long term friend, but it was also with some weirdly mis-shapen romantic feelings...it was strange...so for simplicity, let's just call her an ex). It's a pretty common car, so its easy to dismiss, but for whatever reason I noticed it today and looked....and sure enough, it was her (well, at least I am about 99% sure. I didn't actually verify buy looking directly into her eyes or anything...but I'm really sure it was her). She lives in the next town over, and drives through my town sometimes, although for what reason I don't know, since we haven't spoke in 9 months.

 

Anyway, I immediately got that sort of sinking feeling that one can get when you see someone that you had a past with. Your heart stops for a brief moment and reality hits you in the face. In my mind I sort of said "What the hell is she doing here?!?" We (me and my sister) were pulling up to our parents house and it was just so odd to see her so close and "in my neighborhood" (she doesn't know where I live, btw. It was totally random that I saw her today driving by my parents house).

 

So, basically I shrugged it off, at the time, but then I got to thinking about "us" and how it ended. And that led to more thinking. And more thinking....and well now I'm here. This thread is a combination of me doing a brain dump after over-thinking something, and just getting a feel for what others think in general about this or these types of situations where you see an ex and the past comes rushing back.

 

The background of what happened between me and the "ex" can be found here (if you care to check):

 

 

 

For a quick recap, we were romantically involved "friends" that kind of strung each other along for about 5 years...it was a destructive co-dependant relationship on the brink of failing as it was, but she said some dumb stuff and I blew up...I didn't handle it well...told her some nasty things...and I haven't talked to her since. (Oh and I never apologized either, as was the main question of that other thread).

 

All of the falling out between me and the ex was when I was in Georgia. I have since moved back to Texas and its been about 9 months since I blew up at her and kicked her out of my life.

 

It's still strange for me being back home, and to be honest I still miss parts of Georgia (where I felt I was making some progress), but I'm back now and I have to deal with it.

 

Anyway, the negative reaction to this was I went on a Facebook stalker binge and went looking for her. Yes, I know, bad move. And I'm usually so good about not doing these things!

 

Since the initial blow up, she deleted me as a friend, and blocked me (at least I think she blocked me). I had found an old message from her and it was a blank user image, so I naturally assumed she had just blocked me. Well (and this has nothing to do with today) I recently noticed that her old message now had her picture attached (something I had just noticed a few weeks ago), and (me being curious) I clicked on it. The odd thing was, her name is blacked out. I was confused.

 

Apparently, and correct me if I'm wrong, a blacked out name means they deleted their FB profile?

 

Anyway, it doesn't matter. The point is, I did some stalking, found her sister (whom she and I would talk about a lot during our friendship/relationsihp), and lo and behold I was unable to find the ex. Apparently she's off of Facebook. So I guess good for her? I don't know...(I've been contemplating deleting mine also, but that's a whole different topic).

 

Part of me wanted to have some way to find her...then maybe to say something...perhaps to apologize...but then I realized "Hey dummy, remember you guys ended badly? Remember you were the one that ended things? Remember all the mean things you said to her? You really think she wants to hear from you now?"

 

I looked up the old thread (as linked above) and read through it again. Indeed, I'll admit I did a lot of wrong (as did she) and how I handled the end was not the right approach. That being said, a lot has changed of how I handle myself in these last 9 months since things blew up.

 

An apology at that particular time probably wouldn't have helped. An apology today probably won't either (I still have her old number, but I refuse to reach out via text)

 

It is what it is, or rather, it was what it was. It was random chance that I saw her, and I need to leave it at that. So much of me wants to say: "Hey "ex's name", I moved back, it's me...I've missed you...I'm sorry for what I said....you don't have to accept it or acknowledge it, but I needed to let you know that I am sorry". I want to apologize for the sake of just owning up to my immature actions.

 

I don't know if I should or if it would matter anymore. Hence why my brain went into a tailspin today after seeing her...there's always that little thing in the back of my head that says I need to do something about it solely because I saw her today.

 

I guess as a note I should say I've pretty much been single for a while now...I've decided that I need to work on myself (as I was doing in Georgia before I moved back here) before I get involved again. A part of that means that I need to let go. Some things weren't meant to be. Some people are only here to teach you a lesson about yourself.

 

Was I a jerk? Yes. Was she crazy and hurtful? Also yes. Nobody is perfect, and its not always going to be "best friends forever".

 

I have to let go.

 

I think at the end of the day, its just an example of human psychology, and how the past can be reignited in an instant. I would like to say I would go into the past and change it, but then I wouldn't be me today, would I? I did what I did (put my foot down to her, albeit in a hurtful way) and I have to live with it.

 

The fact that she's alive and isn't on Facebook and driving by my parents house is....irrelevant. Right?

 

I'd be lying if I said that a part of me doesn't wish she and I would accidentally run into each other at one of our old spots. Maybe we'd share a look of astonishment, then say hello, and I'd simply say "I'm sorry for what I said to you". Wishful (selfish?) thinking I suppose. (Counter to that, I could also maintain my stance of being upset at her for what she said 9 months ago, and therefore remain steadfast in my decision to remove her from my life....but that would be a very awkward conversation, and I'd still have internal feelings of wanting to apologize for what I had said, regardless of what she said to upset me in the first place)

 

So, what would happen after that? We'd magically pick up where we left off? Have a laugh? Go back to our destructive ways? It all ends badly no matter how I look at it.

 

I can't say it weighs heavily on my conscious (although today it certainly did, hence me coming here), but its something I do think about. On any other day during the past 4 or 5 months since I've been back in Texas, I can't really say I had dwelled on it this much. It was just something in the back of my head. Seeing her today obviously reminded me I still have feelings for her that have been unresolved (as of this point).

 

Well, I'm done rambling. Thanks for sticking through it if you made it this far. Let me know what you think... Your stories similar to this are appreciated!

[RedDress]

When someone was an integral part of your life for 5+ years, it takes longer than 9 months to forget about them. (For most people anyways). This is especially true if you haven't been dating others and a part of you would still like the old relationship back. All that means? You aren't over her.

 

Just because you aren't over a person doesn't mean that it's "meant to be" or that you need to contact them. It just means that you aren't over them. It's really that simple.

 

From what you describe, you don't (or shouldn't) want a relationship with her again. You know it's destructive. You said it in your other thread and you are saying it again now.

 

Forget it, move on, keep trudging on. Time heals all wounds. This one is still 'fresh'. There WILL be a time where you will be able to run into her and not really care... that time has not yet come. That's all it means.

[greywolf]

Apologizing to someone because you need to get it off your back is selfish.

[Guitarguy_82]

Forget it, move on, keep trudging on. Time heals all wounds. This one is still 'fresh'. There WILL be a time where you will be able to run into her and not really care... that time has not yet come. That's all it means.

 

I know that is the best way to look at it. As of now its still nagging at me. I feel like I need to do something. I think that's just part of my nature of wanting to fix things?

 

Apologizing to someone because you need to get it off your back is selfish.

 

Indeed. Which is another reason why I never bothered with it. No matter what type of light I try to shed on it, its going to come off bad somehow.

 

At the end of the day it just leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth knowing that I let a relationship get that chaotic and that I allowed those behaviors (from her and myself) to begin with.