RoyalS818 Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 Hi. My boyfriend and I have been best friends for years and finally got into a relationship this year. I moved in with him in august and everything is great....except his dog. I love his dog but I am jealous of the attention and affection he gets. My boyfriend will come home from work and go straight to the dog and not even acknowledge my existence. When we are going to bed he puts his dog right in between us. This is not comfortable to me at all. I have tried talking to him about it but all he says is his dog was here first. The thing is he bought the dog for his ex girlfriend for their one year anniversary. She left the dog when she left him. He is a great guy and when his dog ain't around we are having a wonderful time but if his dog wants his attention he just ignores me until the dog is satisfied. It's annoying and hurtful. Idk what to do! I don't want to leave him but I'm tired of being put second to a dog. I mean I love dogs but they have their place. They aren't humans. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 Okay you have to straighten out that title. The dog is not ruining your relationship your boyfriend is ruining your relationship. The dog is a dog. The boyfriend is the one with the skewed perception. Personally I would tell him you are prepared to move out if he doesn't want to alter how he lives. I am all for loving your pets but once you placed them above human beings that I feel is a problem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 Agree with Victoria. Let him and his dog have a happy life together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfan Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 This is a weird issue, but that doesn't make it any less problematic. I don't think he should be in a relationship with you or anyone if his dog takes so much priority in his life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 The dog is a vestige of his old relationship. His behavior is kinda passive aggressive -- your bf, not the dog. Ignoring your requests regarding where the dog sleeps, showing the dog more affection than you. Personally, I'd move out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyfrank Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 He will be good father.. Since you live with him. It's not his dog anymore but your dog too. You three can plan activities together... Good luck.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosebud Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 Hi I have a dog so i thought i'd give my advice! So, the love i have for my dog is huge. She's a clingy and needy dog so it's even more hard not to give her attention than most other dogs. I got her from a shelter too, so i've always been extra sensitive to making sure she's a happy dog. And it's funny you should say this because my family always complain about the same thing, I come and go straight to the dog and they jokingly sulk about it. But my response is always- well why don't you jump up and down and run around and fling your arms around my neck and show the same excitement when i come in from work and then maybe you'll get the same love back! All of this is obviously said in jest. But the truth is, dogs and humans have such a strong bond and when youre so used to a dog being part of your life it's hard to cut that out. I've always made sure though to keep boundaries, because, unlike your boyfriend, I've always thought ahead and thought if this dog is going to live for so many years then eventually i'll have a boyfriend and dont really want the dog in the way. So right from the beginning i made sure she slept in her own bed and in a separate room. Otherwise it does because a massive issue later, as I can see from your post. So from what youre telling me i'd say the greeting his dog before you even though i imagine can be annoying for you, is just something that comes naturally to him bc the dog gets so excited and its like seeing your child when you get in the door. BUT one thing i dont agree with is keeping the dog in his bed. You do need to make a decision about whether you will stand for it. And youre not being unreasonable in saying you don't want an animal in your bed. It's something you cant compromise over... its actually not very hygienic so you can always argue that case as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 You have 100% control over you. You have zero control over him. You've asked him to alter his behaviour towards the dog and he has chosen not to. Now, it's your turn to control you and either do so by aquiencing to the dog or leaving your boyfriend to his preference. Your call. If you're determined to stay, then find a new way to tell him how the dog sleeping between the two of you feels and would he consider changing that. If he still says "the dog was here first" then you know where you stand and you know what you have to do. Personally, I never put our daughter between my husband and I in our bed so I certainly wouldn't let a dog in that spot. As I said, your call what YOU do now Royal. You are in control of what you do while knowing what you know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laninaperdida Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 Are you sure e's not using the dog as a way to keep his distance from you? Maybe he wants out of thisrelationship & he's been using his dog as a cover. I would like to know what your sex life is like? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kendahke Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 Then it's time for you to move out. He's told you that the dog was there first, so you're going to have to either deal with being second to the dog or move out. No one here can make your boyfriend treat you the way you want him to treat you. Only he can do that and from what you've written, he's not inclined to start down that road. To him, his dog is like a human and the dog's place is wherever he says it can be. That is "what is" here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QWit Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 Yep, it's the dog's fault.. That d*mn dog has to go.. Anyways, the dog is not ruining your relationship. Your boyfriend is..Take your issues and concerns up with your boyfriend.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edmund Exley Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 My ex wife was jealous of my dog. I kept the dog and he is still with me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
claudiaskye Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 I understand the love for a pet is very high but you only moved in this August and he is putting the dog inbetween you both in the bedroom, ignoring your requests etc. The comment 'The dog was here first' - Is he actually saying the dog comes before you? I would try talking to him again about it. Find the right moment. If after that he still carries on then I would start thinking seriously about moving out. Dogs are great but not 'that' great. You deserve more. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mmnyc5052 Posted November 6, 2013 Share Posted November 6, 2013 Ehhhh...it sounds like this dog may be a representation of his old relationship and he's clinging to it and putting forth more attention to it because it reminds him of that. I don't know if he should really be in a relationship now. How long since his old relationship before you two began dating?? If it was a short time, I'm sorry to say but you may be a rebound. If not, he clearly has issues he must work out. It's got nothing to do with you. I have a dog, and I love her with every ounce of my heart and show her attention and love and I value her companionship. But...she is a dog. I'd choose her over someone I didn't necessarily like, or someone I didn't really feel close to, but I don't know that I'd choose her over my boyfriend. This is kind of odd. It's a person vs. a canine. You need to sit him down and explain how odd this is and how it hurts you. If he gets defensive or rejects you, then pack it up. You can find a guy who pays you the appropriate respect and attention you deserve, and won't put you second behind a dog. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mmnyc5052 Posted November 6, 2013 Share Posted November 6, 2013 PS- don't resent the dog. The poor thing has no input or any idea about this. It's your boyfriend with the issue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted November 6, 2013 Share Posted November 6, 2013 If you were a big dog lover, you would probably have no trouble sleeping with the dog so long as the dog was out of the room during your intimate time. My bf adores my dog and wouldn't have it any other way. Also, if the dog runs excitedly to him when he comes home and gets to him first - is he supposed to ignore the dog and come find where you are at first? You could meet him outside once in awhile and give him a big hug or you could give him a minute to greet the dog and when he has calmed down - you could make it a point to have time with him. I mean, what happens if you had kids, would you get irritated that your 3 year old runs to daddy and he sweeps him/her up in his arms before you? I think if its just the greeting and the bed thing and your boyfriend is attentive otherwise, you should find a way to live with the arrangement. you moved in with him and he has a routine. You probably did not talk ahead of time and express that you prefer the dog not to sleep in bed with you and then you could decide at that point if you should move in or not or there is a compromise situation where you are okay with the dog at the foot of the bed sometimes but the dog gets his own dog bed also. I think you are wrong to let this dog symbolize that he is not over his ex - it was THEIR dog. I think you need to approach this and not tell your boyfriend you havea problem with the dog but "hey honey, how would you like it if when we first climbed into bed, if we had some intimate time and put Rover out in the kitchen with a nice chew treat. Then i would be happy to have him back in here."" i mean, make it a positive. If you can't take it after that, then maybe you need to move out. But you have to give him tiem to adjust. you only moved in a short time ago to his place where he has a routine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoyalS818 Posted November 6, 2013 Author Share Posted November 6, 2013 Thanks. I was trying to get over it and see a positive side to it but when we laid down to watch a movie together and he snuggled with his dog and left me on the other side of the bed I said no that is not acceptable. I love the dog and I love my boyfriend. He is going to have to learn to treat me better though or I'll have to leave. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoyalS818 Posted November 6, 2013 Author Share Posted November 6, 2013 I have often thought that about him because of how he is with jäger. I even told him so. The thing is he don't want kids. He says jäger is his son and the only one he wants but I do want kids in the future. So idk. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edmund Exley Posted November 6, 2013 Share Posted November 6, 2013 I think what you are really dealing with is just adjustment. He lived his life with the dog like he does before you moved in. He just hasn't changed that routine. I wouldn't put to much thought into the whole "He loves the dog because he is holding on to the old relationship" comments. Guys aren't usually that complex. Dog are loyal like a buddy. Guys love their buds. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted November 6, 2013 Share Posted November 6, 2013 If you want to have children someday and this guy does not he not the person to be with. That is kind of wasting your time barking up the wrong tree. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfan Posted November 6, 2013 Share Posted November 6, 2013 I think what you are really dealing with is just adjustment. He lived his life with the dog like he does before you moved in. He just hasn't changed that routine. But entering a committed relationship means changing one's routine. There's no such thing as a committed relationship where both people just continue doing their usual routine. Or even where one of them continues doing their usual routine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted November 6, 2013 Share Posted November 6, 2013 I have often thought that about him because of how he is with jäger. I even told him so. The thing is he don't want kids. He says jäger is his son and the only one he wants but I do want kids in the future. So idk. There is no "idk" here - the "Idk" is "Idk if I want to be honest with myself or continue to rationalize". Now it's clearer why he's behaving this way -he knows your arrangement is temporary because he knows that eventually this basic incompatibility will end things but he'll still be compatible with his dog. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoyalS818 Posted November 6, 2013 Author Share Posted November 6, 2013 There is no "idk" here - the "Idk" is "Idk if I want to be honest with myself or continue to rationalize". Now it's clearer why he's behaving this way -he knows your arrangement is temporary because he knows that eventually this basic incompatibility will end things but he'll still be compatible with his dog. Which would make sense if it weren't for the fact that when we have sat down and had a serious discussion he says he wants to be with me forever and I told him I would choose him over someone that don't exist yet. Yes I would like to have a child but I'm not able to. I would have to adopt. We decided if he changed his kind about wanting a kid in the future we would adopt. I think he is a wonderful guy and he treats me right. The only time it bothers me is when he lets the dog get between us. I think the dog should not be snuggling with my boyfriend while we are trying to watch a movie and I'm wanting to lay in his arms or when we go to bed and I want to cuddle with him but he cuddles with the dog instead. He even lets the dog shower with us and I just don't find that very sanitary. I feel dirtier after my shower than before. He gets mad if I move the dog from my spot on the bed because that was the dogs spot before I moved in. He even told me to sleep in the kennel one night because jäger didn't want to share the bed. I didn't. It's just the principal of the matter. He is a great guy. He just needs to readjust his thinking when it comes to his dog. I won't be put second to anyone but God. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted November 6, 2013 Share Posted November 6, 2013 I'm sorry but if any dude told me to go sleep in the kennel because the dog was sleeping on the bed no I am sorry he does not treat you right!!!!! I would be so gone!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoyalS818 Posted November 6, 2013 Author Share Posted November 6, 2013 I'm sorry but if any dude told me to go sleep in the kennel because the dog was sleeping on the bed no I am sorry he does not treat you right!!!!! I would be so gone!!! Yes. I see your point. It was only that one night though. I was hoping we could work things out where all three of us could be happy. I mean he is still my best friend. Should I really call it quits or give it a chance? I would definitely leave if he said something like that to me again but when I expressed my opinion on it he apologized and let me sleep with him in his spot since jäger didn't want to move. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.