I want a relationship, but I don't. Help, I'm being pulled apart!

[vix8]

I need stern and logical advice from someone who knows what they are talking about. Someone who understand psychology pretty well. This is going to be super long, it's necessary for me to vent right now. But none of my venting will be pointless information, but perhaps interesting?

 

I'm female, I've been through a lot. Right now I consider myself single, even though I'm involved in a few sexual relationships. I used to have great morals, until the bad morals of other people brought me to where I am today. I'm smart with philosophy and psychology, and I've done a ton of self reflection over the past year, and got very in tune with my spirituality. Everything I've learn and grown from in that one year amazes me. I'm confident to say I know myself very well; saying I know myself completely, in my opinion, is impossible because our thoughts and experiences constantly change us.

 

So I'm at a point in life right now where I forgot how to love due to past trauma. I feel like I have this emotional wall build up, and I know it's because there is no way I'm ready to trust and love again so quickly. I've tried therapy, and it's not for me, as I suck at expressing words face to face with a stranger. I have great intuition, so I learned a bunch of stuff on my own and I'm proud to say I've pulled out of depression and have gotten past and dealt with everything I've been through. But this love and trust thing is the one thing I cannot figure out, and I feel like no one, not even my best of friends can help me, I've tried. And I feel like it's because I'm mentally ahead of them from what they are going through. I need someone to help me who has been through what I'm going through and has learned how to love and trust again.

 

Currently I'm in what it seems to be, three relationships. It's freakishly strange for me, because I love being monogamous with one connection and one person. I've never slept with more than one person at a time until now. I feel lost, and I don't know why I feel like I need to have relationships, when and the same time I don't want a relationship at all, I just want to be alone and do me. I can't decide which one lies deep down, and which one is "acting out". Like do I really want a relationship? Or do I really want to be alone? Or is it possible I want both and I'm being pulled apart in opposite directions?

 

 

 

First things first, to clear this part up, I'm bisexual. So my first relationship was with a girl I met online (I have this problem, almost like an addiction where I have to urge to meet people online, even if it goes no where, which is usually the case. One meet up and never talk to them again). But this girl was really cool, and we hit it off and started "dating" with no strings attached agreed on both ends. She was moving away at the end of the month for a year so there was no point in taking it seriously. I'm not sure if I found comfort in that. One day after we hooked up in my bed, she told me up front she had a lesbian orgy. I found it weird that I wasn't shocked by what happened, but shocked by how honest she was, something I long for in a person. I felt more into her at this point, but still no emotional attachment. Well while I was seeing her, half way through the month, I went on a date with a guy (I wouldn't have if she never told me the orgy story, but after that story it was clear to me we were both free to do whatever). The guy was the weirdest guy I've ever met, and very persuasive, and we ended hooking up on the first date. But I never told the girl, I wanted to do it but I couldn't. So not like me, so I told her a story about how weird he was instead. So she moves away and the guy continues wanting to see me. I don't really wanna see him, and I don't care, but I see him anyways. And I see him again... and again... and again. He's really good at sex, I see him more. He's a ing jerk, but I keep seeing him. I don't care that he's a jerk, because I'm not emotionally attached and because I have no feelings about the situation, anything he does never bothers me. He's just there for my convenience. I came to the conclusion that I'm a jerk back. I'm making him fall for me, by being independent in his eyes. But I'm not being independent, I'm being emotionless.

 

Finally he sent me a text (knowing I'm bisexual) and proposed a threesome. I declined because that's not my thing. I didn't care when I declined, but later on that day I triggered. I felt angry at him. How dare he assumes I want a threesome just because I'm bisexual. How dare he assumes I'm okay seeing him ing another girl in front of me. And when I see him next in person I bring the subject up very calmly. He says immediately not even letting me finish, "okay I know, I know, I don't care, we don't have to do it, I was just asking, blah blah blah blah." ing jerk. I shut up, turned around and he cuddled me. I've never felt so confused in my life being cuddled by him in that very moment. There is no way I'm letting him see me cry. I liked being independent to him. I bite my tongue and begin to shake desperately trying to hold back the tears. He can feel me shaking, I know it. I'm about to bust, and he doesn't say or do anything, doesn't even hold me tighter or looser. I start hating him for cuddling me after silencing me like that. I start hating him more for not seeing if I'm okay. I start clenching to my sheets and subconsciously moving away from him more and more until I burst into tears and walk out of my room and into the bathroom for some privacy. I come back and he says nothing, just looks at me. I told him he's only into me because I don't care. Then I told him I don't care because I have no room inside of me to let anyone else in. He understood and for the first time he seemed liked he actually cared about me, and he told me he's really into me. And I said well I told you from the beginning no commitment, and you agreed. He was speechless, and I told him to leave shortly after. However we are still seeing each other as if nothing happened. Except he's nicer to me now, and I know it's only because he knows it's not possible for me to love him. People want what they can't have.

 

Now another guy stepped into my life. Now I'm super confused. I have the girl who moved away for a year (who also wants me to spend $500 on a flight to go see her in the summer, but barely talks to me now), I have this guy who's falling for me for the wrong reasons, who I don't care much about, and now this sweet, sensitive, compassionate, also bisexual guy with exact same taste in music steps into me life. I met him from one of my best friends (and she is best friends with him). Now I'm seeing two guys at once. I never intended to hook up with him, but a bunch of us went out for Halloween, and we got really drunk, and he started kissing me.. a lot. And I took him back to my place to continue. I was super blunt and asked him all these invasive questions about his sexuality, almost trying to find something I hate about it.. turns out we like the exact same stuff. We had a really good night. He invited me out to his birthday dinner with friends yesterday, and he paid for everyone's dinner and we all got mad at him (but that's just the kind of guy he is). Super nice, and funny, and awkward in a cute way. He drove me home and seemed like he didn't want to leave, but I had art homework, so I invited him to draw with me. We drew to music and I got my stuff done. Then he made the moves and we hooked up. It was so different being sober. When I was drunk I was pretty much acting like I was in a porno, but when we were sober, I got all shy (something that doesn't happen with the other guy). I felt real compassion from him, but I couldn't give it back. I tried, and I went with the flow. And I have a feeling he felt false compassion from me. We didn't even have sex, we just messed around a bit, got undressed, cuddled, touched hands, messed around more, more cuddling, eyes closed, 2 am, tired, embracing. I told him I wanted the lights off, I never care if the lights are on or off. After all this... I still feel nothing. I wanted to feel something so bad, but I couldn't. He's great, I like him. So why don't I feel anything? I don't want to hurt him, that's the last thing I want to do. He's my best friends friend, I don't want to mess stuff up. But I was honest to him and told him I don't know if I want a relationship, I'm tired of worrying. And he left his girlfriend of a few year about 9 months ago and told me he has always been in relationships and needs a break too. But how come what I'm feeling from him is so real?

 

I feel like I want to cut it off with all of them, I don't wanna have sexual relationships with anybody right now. But then again I long to love again, and I think I search for that through intimacy, because I can't trust. If I can't trust, I can't love someones words, so Instead I try to love people through sexual intimacy. And I choose to only care about the ones who make caring/considerate/kind gestures towards me, and those are the ones that make my life more complicated. I want to make emotional room for them, but I don't have room. How do I fix my mental problem?

[Lambert]

Vix8,

 

Seems to me you are making a lot of drama for yourself. If you want to be alone, be alone. If you aren't "feeling it" for any of these people, then why bother with them? You seem really selfish and manipulative. Even your statement about how you used to morale until some immoral people came along and made you.... Please. its time to be an adult and own your actions. If you don't want to jerk someone around, then don't. Be honest with people and let them make their own decisions whether to be with you or not.

[itsallgrand]

I'm not an expert. But someone who is familiar with that feeling of no room. And yet craving intimacy. I didn't turn to sex for it, nor multiple beds, but the driving force of conflict inside you seems very familiar to me.

 

And the only thing that really helped, finally, was a psychiatrist.

 

When you say " I suck telling my feelings to a stranger", well, yes exactly. Not only a stranger, but sharing emotion with a person right. Exactly why you might want to reconsider therapy.

 

I know you don't want to hear this. And maybe you'll need to hit some rock bottom of your own sort to give it a real consideration. Just remember; it's always an option, and it is one that has helped a lot of people.

 

And no, I'm not in a relationship right now. But I feel more available, know I am more available, for one than I ever actually thought possible. So take what you will from that.

[vix8]

Easier said than done, no one wants to be alone, but I know I'm better off being alone right now. But I crave intimacy, but when it comes I don't believe it's honest, so I keep searching for something else. I'm actually very far from selfish and manipulative naturally, and it's not people who made me this way, it's the experiences people gave me that made me this way. I'm quite aware when I'm acting selfish and manipulative, and it scares me of what I've become.. I stop it as soon as I realize. I've told all these people that I honestly can't commit from the the beginning, and the decision they make is to stay with me. And they stay with me because I don't chase, because I have no emotion, and people want what they can't have, and to me that is fake intimacy. Your post was rather insulting.. not very helpful. Obviously I know what a good person should do, but I can't do it when I feel like nothing.

[vix8]

Hmmm I already have hit rock bottom and that's when I tried therapy, and now this is me stuck like this. I unfortunately can't afford a psychiatrist, I did have a meeting and checked it out though anyways. What did the psychiatrist say that helped you. or triggered you to change perspective?

[mhowe]

You have a lot of problems to address:

 

You said you have "bad morals of other people have brought you to today". YOUR choices have brought you to where you are today. And not taking responsibility

for your choices shows a lack of maturity.

 

Your exaggerated sense of "emotional intelligence"....you cannot talk to friends because they "don't get it". However, you are not capable of talking

to a professional, who would in fact, get it.

 

Contradictory values vs actions: believe in monogomy but involved w/ 3 people at same time. Meaning, not living an authentic existence with your

actions alligned with your values.

 

And a last one: "addiction" to meeting people on line --- shows lack of focus and chasing the "high" of new encounters.

 

I would also suggest that professional help is the only way out of your quagmire.

[vix8]

That was a great insight thanks. I've decided to let down my walls a bit and I broke it off with one the guys, and I'm still seeing the other guy who treats me better. I realized I shouldn't stress over the girl because she left for a year and things change down the road. And you're absolutely right, I'm horrible at explaining myself. It even holds me back in school. I deleted all my online dating websites, and it's been 2 weeks now, and no urge anymore. I think I'm just done with it. I can't do professional help, because I legit have a problem speaking. Writing, learning from others, and analyzing my own head is so much better.

[The_Seeker]

If your heart doesn't agree with your mind, then don't get into a relationship because you will hurt someone. Don't bother dating either.

 

If your mind doesn't agree with your heart, then don't get into a relationship because you will hurt someone. Don't bother dating either.

 

If your heart and mind agree with each other, then what a great compromise and you can finally start dating and find a healthy relationship.

 

In the mean time, go get lost somewhere and find yourself.

 

You've been busy investing in relationship/friendship that you don't even take the time TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE.