Should I bail?

[akrngrl]

So I’ve been hanging out with this guy for about three weeks. He’s super sexual by nature and we’ve mostly been hanging out at his house and sort of hooking up. He hasn’t taken me on any actual dates, but we went to Halloween party last night and out for froyo earlier last week.

 

It was fun and carefree for a while, but now the more we do and the longer we’re hanging out the more I’m beginning to wonder “Where is this headed?” It’s a problem in itself because in the beginning I didn’t think anything of it because he wasn’t bf material for me. He’s super flakey, which is more his nature than a reflection of me, but still not something I want. We also don’t talk super frequently, which wasn’t an issue, but now I’m always a little worried that we’ll just stop talking and I’m realizing more and more how upset I would be about it.

 

I feel like the dating aspect of our “relationship” is moving slowly along while the sexual aspect is moving a freight train speed. I’m caught between wanting to see him more and give in to the things he wants to do and being afraid that I’ll start to really fall for him, enough to glaze over his less than desirable traits/ despite what he says he’ll just stop communication with me once he gets what he ultimately wants.

 

Last night at the party he told some stranger who asked that we were friends (which is understandable), but then later told me that we were dating. He also keeps pushing for sex, which I get since we’ve been heading that way, but I’ve been holding off. I don’t just do it with anyone and granted this is no longer one-night stand/booty call territory, I’m still unsure of his intentions.

 

Should I bring up my questions of can see other people or is this headed towards something exclusive? Or should I just bail before I get too attached? Also if I should bring it up, how do I do so without coming accross as clingy/too intense? I’ve been really laid back about everything so far, but now my insecure feelings are coming out and I’m beginning to get paranoid/over think everything.

 

Thank you!

[junebug123]

So I’ve been hanging out with this guy for about three weeks. He’s super sexual by nature and we’ve mostly been hanging out at his house and sort of hooking up. He hasn’t taken me on any actual dates, but we went to Halloween party last night and out for froyo earlier last week.

 

It was fun and carefree for a while, but now the more we do and the longer we’re hanging out the more I’m beginning to wonder “Where is this headed?”

 

I first i was like oh this is interesting. but then i read this line, and the post pretty much explained it all.

 

He also keeps pushing for sex, which I get since we’ve been heading that way, but I’ve been holding off.

 

Which isn't to say that you should or should not bail, i think you just need to be realistic and honest with yourself. This guy just wants a casual relationship and he hasn't been misleading you in anyway, in fact i think it's pretty frank.

[SpottiOtti]

You knew he wasn't boyfriend material before the lovey sex chemicals messed with your head.

 

Bail before it goes further.

[t1lersm0m1]

You said he's not taking you out on dates. You're hanging at his house and fooling around. He's just looking to hook up. I know you went for yogurt (cheap) and to a party (free). Those aren't indications he is interested romantically.

 

A date doesn't even have to cost money. It can be a musuem, a hike, a walk in a park. Are you doing any of that?

[akrngrl]

You're absolutely right. I think it's what he's been saying that has just been getting in the way. At first he was really aloof and it was all "okay whatever, it is what it is" and now he's constantly telling me how much he likes me and how glad he is that we met, etc. All talk probably.

[akrngrl]

No we haven't. We were supposed to go take photos, but an incredible series of events (which I thought were clever lies until I got there and they were true haha) led to it being too dark/cold and we ended up just grabbing pizza and hanging out.

[CeeLambrini]

I think getting to the sex is more important to him than getting to know you. A key point here -

Last night at the party he told some stranger who asked that we were friends (which is understandable), but then later told me that we were dating.

 

It is clearly important that he keep his rep as a single guy, but then to your face he will say you are dating.

 

Have a look at his actions, without his words. He spends time with you outside of his house if he needs to, but mostly this is just wasting time to him. I think if you want to hold out hope that he is in it for the long run, avoid going to his house - try suggesting doing something else instead. If he isn't interested in doing that, then don't go. You'll soon see that without the hookups and potential for sex, he just won't be interested in seeing you. Or I could be wrong, you'll never know if you don't try.

[Ms Darcy]

I kind of think it's unfair to you to hook up with some dude and then spring the "where is this headed" just because you have suddenly decided you want more.

 

I personally would get out of the situation and be more discerning about who you hook up with in the future. If he's not bf material, then steer clear.

[ParisPaulette]

It's pretty clear, he wants a FWB with you. He isn't taking you out on dates, he isn't really taking the time to get to know YOU, just what's under the clothes and he told someone else you were just friends. What he told you afterwards about dating was just likely, because he stopped a moment and realized he had sort of tipped his hand with the "just friends" comment to someone else. In short, if you want only a sexual relationship and you can keep seeing other guys knowing that this one is just not ever going to be a BF and you don't really want him to be, then go for it.

 

But if you want a real relationship where the guy actively wants to date you and get to know you, because he has something more than a booty call in mind then skip this one. Or you will end with your heart broken when you find out those red flags you indicate you're seeing, but are choosing to ignore, come back to thwap you in the face. Personally if you see red flags it's time to bail whether or not he wants to be a BF.

[t1lersm0m1]

I think this is what's happening, but I don't think it's intentional. I think some women (not pointing any fingers here!) think that if the sex or sexual energy is great, the guy will fall in love with their personality.

 

But it's actually quite backwards. A guy has to fall in love with your personality, and THEN you can seal it with great sex/sexual chemistry. No woman is ever going to blow a guy's mind in bed so that he is begging for a relationship.

 

I kind of think it's unfair to you to hook up with some dude and then spring the "where is this headed" just because you have suddenly decided you want more.

 

I personally would get out of the situation and be more discerning about who you hook up with in the future. If he's not bf material, then steer clear.

[Batya33]

I think you're giving him the impression that you're fine with hanging out and hooking up so if you want something different then you suggest public dates and see what he says.

[akrngrl]

I think that's what I need to do. I always assumed FWB was get in and get out ASAP. Like you're there for sex, not to talk, not to cuddle or watch movies and I definitely wouldn't expect him to introduce me to anyone he knew at the party. Maybe I have a different view though.

 

I was fine with the friends comment to the stranger because I wouldn't expect to be called a girlfriend and I personally wouldn't tell some random person "yeah we're not together, we're just dating."

 

I've told him that I didn't want I do more because then I'd expect more and he have some line along "that's okay, I'd never do anything to intentionally hurt you or anything".

[Ms Darcy]

I think you need to figure out what you want from him and tell him. It's not fair to anyone to be making all of these assumptions.

[akrngrl]

True. Any tips on how to approach it in a lighter manner without coming accross super clingy/needy? I feel like any time I try to phrase it it'll just sound like "Hey I want you to be committed to me for life."

[Ms Darcy]

You can't approach something with someone else well without first determining what it is you want. What do you want from him?

[t1lersm0m1]

The problem with asking him is this: If he's a player only looking for one thing, he's not going to come out and say it. He might, but chances are they won't. So I NEVER go by words, I go by actions. That saying is so true....actions speak louder than words.

[Batya33]

I think you watch the feet- the actions -not the lips -the words -with one exception. If he tells you he does not want a relationship listen to the words and don't start analyzing "actions" that appear as if he wants to be a couple with you.

 

I would say to him "what are your intentions towards me?". He will know exactly what that means if his intentions are relationship minded.

[akrngrl]

I want him to be straight with me. I can honestly go either way; either date seriously for a few weeks (hang out, go places, go out to eat/the movies, text a little more) and see if it can lead to a serious relationship or just be strictly friends. As I mentioned in the beginning, it seemed like he laid his cards on the table and I took it for what it was. Now he's making an effort to text earlier instead of last minute, talking about dates he's been thinking about, and he's saying things that come off as more than "I just want you for sex". Also since he hasn't gotten sex yet, I assumed he would have moved on by now (granted I haven't heard from him since the party Saturday so perhaps he has).

 

It's more just upsetting because I feel like where we are now/if we keep this up, there's too much potential that there won't be a friendship OR a relationship at all.

[akrngrl]

I've definitely been trying to look more at his actions. Though he's flakey and late with plans, he also does nice things. Maybe I just have a negative view of players/guys that just want sex, but I don't picture them holding hands, letting me wear their jacket when we go outside, giving forehead kisses or making sure I don't fall over my own two feet. This guy has been doing that lately, not a ton, but enough to where I want to be like " are you doing? If you're only in it for the sex/my body then stop doing cute things."

[Batya33]

This is how I would evaluate it, personally. If he is taking you out on dates he wants to date you. If he is inviting you to hang out and hook up he wants to hang out and hook up. People move towards pleasure and away from pain. Keep it simple -don't analyze what he says that seems couply. Right now he is inviting you to hang out and hook up. It doesn't mean he is a player in the least, he is simply a person who wants to hang out and hook up -you might want something different.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't get this - and I'm a woman! Maybe I don't have the "change my mind" gene in me.

 

Go with what he told you unless a) he tells you something different or b) you tell him you want more. Texting earlier means texting earlier. Why must we overinterpret everything?

 

IF you want him to be straight with you, YOU need to be straight with him.

 

You know what they say about assumptions ...

[akrngrl]

Alright I will. If we talk/hang out again I plan to bring up these feelings and be straight with him. They're all new as of yesterday and I'm just trying to sort out how to approach it without going from fun, laid back girl to stage five clinger looking to shack up and marry haha. I've never had to approach a subject like this before with a guy, usually we always both knew where we stood.

[junebug123]

I always assumed FWB was get in and get out ASAP. Like you're there for sex, not to talk, not to cuddle or watch movies and I definitely wouldn't expect him to introduce me to anyone he knew at the party. Maybe I have a different view though.

 

I think you are thinking about a "No strings" type of relationship. Friends with Benefits means exactly what it stands for: Friends (a person who you are already friends with), and benefits (sexual) benefits. Unless you are thinking about the other acronym "f*** with buddy" which still implies that you guys are buddy, buddy. The thing with these types of causal relationships is that they generally don't go anywhere and just because a guy introduces you to his friends, or takes you to a party, or takes you out for pizza; doesn't mean that he considers you GF material.

 

Also, i would note that if you do broach the, "where is this going" subject, rather than just allowing things to progress naturally on their own. Then you will notice a distinct change in his personality, and he may even resent you for doing this considering how much time has elapsed since the beginning of your hook ups.

[Abc90]

All I can say is I was recently kind of in the same situation. Hanging out for a month, spending nites/late nites at his house...going out to dinner then straight to his place. I held out for sex too, but was still doing the kissing, making out, cuddling, sleeping over thing. i thought that since he was still hanging around after I told him I wasn't going to be a fwb that he for sure liked me. He said he was brutally honest, always was cool with breakups/providing closure etc. he never really really tried to get to know me, never technically said we were dating. but i thought of course we were. One night we had a minor little itty bitty hiccup, the next day he was gone. Wouldn't return texts, wouldn't call me back just straight up disappeared. No closure, nothing after a whole month together. He was not invested in me AT ALL...so didn't care about my feelings/emotions.

 

It felt horrible.

 

Im not saying your guy will do this, but please do not become more invested in this than him and please do not think it is more than it is. Ask him! I don't think it's threatening to ask if you're on the same page...

 

Maybe just ask him what he's looking for instead of "what are we?" Then you can decide what you want to do. it'll save you heartbreak in the future.

[Batya33]

Alright I will. If we talk/hang out again I plan to bring up these feelings and be straight with him. They're all new as of yesterday and I'm just trying to sort out how to approach it without going from fun, laid back girl to stage five clinger looking to shack up and marry haha. I've never had to approach a subject like this before with a guy, usually we always both knew where we stood.

 

No need to get intense about feelings -simply ask him what his intentions are -talk about where you stand and whether you're on the same wavelength.