Should I bail?

[akrngrl]

I'm so sorry you had to go through that That's exactly how I feel though and you're right, I do need to ask him before I feel any worse than I do.

[akrngrl]

Yeah I'm definitely going to bring it up. I think I'm also worried that he'll be super vague or beat around the bush with his answer, because he's done it before with other things. I just don't want to have asked him and be in the same boat not knowing where he stands, but I won't know until I at least try.

[Ms Darcy]

Yeah I'm definitely going to bring it up. I think I'm also worried that he'll be super vague or beat around the bush with his answer, because he's done it before with other things. I just don't want to have asked him and be in the same boat not knowing where he stands, but I won't know until I at least try.

 

You know what it means if a guy is vague in response to a direct question. He doesn't want what you want but he doesn't want to lose what he is getting.

[akrngrl]

You're right.

 

I'm also wondering, as far as bringing it up would it be too out of context to preface it with other guy/s asking me out for a date? I don't know if I mentioned it before, but we met online. Guys have asked me out on dates online since we've been hanging out, but either we didn't have enough in common or I was legitimately busy and we haven't rescheduled plans.

 

Normally with the way things are going I wouldn't even bother to ask him, but since he has said he's only hanging out with me and I want to know what's up is that a horrible way to approach things?

 

I was thinking along the lines of "So listen, this guy asked me if I wanted to go on a date and I'm just wondering where we stand, if it's okay if we're seeing other people or not. Just wanted to run it by you before I committed to anything." Probably a little more effort will go into it, but that's the general jist. This way if he acts flippant or tells me to go ahead I have my answer and can just fade out and if he doesn't want that then I can ask him what his intentions are/what I need from this situation we're currently in.

[Abc90]

I personally wouldn't steer him into anything that could lead him into answering a certain way...you admitting to contemplating going on dates with other guys could lead him to answer in a particular way. From your post I don't get that you want to date other guys so I wouldn't even bring that up. I would just keep it really simple and just ask him what he was looking for. Maybe just say before things get more intimate between us, i just want to know what you're looking for. That way his anwer comes straight from him without any influence from you.

[Batya33]

No - I think that's manipulative and he'll see right through it. It's kind of tacky to share with someone you're dating the details of other people who are trying to date you. No need. It doesn't matter if no one in the world wants to date you - you still want to know if you two are headed in a more serious direction.

 

If he says he's only hanging out with you it doesn't mean that he would turn down offers to hang out from other women - it just means that right now you're the only person he's hanging out with.

 

When my husband and I got back together (meaning we had dated in the past and started going out as friends years later) on our third evening out as friends we got back together in about two sentences -sentence number two was my response- and believe me it had very few words other than "yes". Just be straight up - if this is a person you're thinking about having sex with why in the world would you be this indirect about asking him his intentions?

 

I also wouldn't mention sex or physical intimacy -that matters only if your question is about sexual monogamy to avoid disease, etc. Your question should be focused on whether he wants to date you with potential for a serious relationship and that is not tied to the timing of having sex.

[akrngrl]

You have a good point. I definitely don't want to influence his answer.

 

However, I would be open to dating other guys. Silly as it sounds since I've never really "dated" before I wasn't fully aware you could date more than one person at once and it be acceptable lol. I figured since he had mentioned he was only talking to/hanging out with me I should be respectful and do the same. I do like this guy and since we've created this much of a history, he does sort of get priority over others whom I haven't met yet, but at the same time I feel like he could use that against me.

 

I will try what you said though, thank you!

[akrngrl]

Batya- Also good feedback. I don't want to be manipulative. My only issue is that since he's so into having sex and I've never had sex outside a committed relationship I feel like the two are inadvertently connected in my situation. If I'm going to be intimate with someone to that extent they had better only be seeing me. I'm worried that if I mention that though it opens the door for him to just yes me to death to get what he wants.

[Batya33]

Batya- Also good feedback. I don't want to be manipulative. My only issue is that since he's so into having sex and I've never had sex outside a committed relationship I feel like the two are inadvertently connected in my situation. If I'm going to be intimate with someone to that extent they had better only be seeing me. I'm worried that if I mention that though it opens the door for him to just yes me to death to get what he wants.

 

But that's just because he connects it. So have the conversation without making the connection and if he brings it up say that you don't have sec outside of an exclusive relationship and if you two do become exclusive then you can talk about when you're both ready to take that next step.

[t1lersm0m1]

If this is the thread I remember, you guys don't really go out much? And he keeps pushing sex. But wont' define the relationship. I really think you should drop this guy.

[akrngrl]

t1lersm0m1- I'm not sure. We don't really go out/hang out other than my initiation/my confirmation the day of. We haven't discussed the relationship though, we've kind of been taking it as is.

 

I'm admittedly the one who is probably blowing everything out of proportion because things are getting more and more physical since he's flat out told me nothing would change if we had sex (meaning he wouldn't stop talking to me/seeing me because he thinks that's my only worry), but I'm also looking at it as things have to get more serious if we're intimate and he's saying they'll stay as is.

 

I don't know why, but I feel like I can't do anything super intimate with anyone without being with them because I feel like I'll come off as dirty or not worthy of being a gf to them. I'm obviously not looking to sleep with every guy out there, but sometimes I play devil's advocate and think, "Well what if we're finally together and it isn't good? Then I held off to be in a relationship and now I'm in one and the intimacy is terrible." I feel like in the past that's gotten me into trouble.

[t1lersm0m1]

Are you HAPPY with things the way they are? You seem like you have doubts. Are you HAPPY just hanging out with him?

 

You don't have to explain your perception of sex. I also don't sleep with a man until I know we are a couple and exclusive. So I totally understand where you are coming from on that. But from everything I'm reading, and from the sound of the way you are feeling, i don't think you are happy with things the way they are. And it doesn't sound like he's willing to change that. So instead of trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, you should look for someone who can give you the kind of relationship you want.

 

And as far as the sex being bad, I wouldn't put too much weight on that. When you're first intimate, I think it might be a little awkward until you figure out what you both like and don't like. Or it could be mind blowing the first time it happens. So I wouldn't not have sex out of fear that it will be bad.

And if it is bad, and it keeps being bad, then you just know you don't have good sexual chemistry, and for me that would be a deal breaker.

[akrngrl]

Currently no. I feel that we either need to take the next step (towards official dating and word for word exclusivity) or we need to back away from all the kissing, sort of hooking up stuff and just be friends. I'm fine one way or the other, but I can't be in the middle where I am now. It just leaves me feeling bad about myself the next day and paranoid I'm going to be another story amongst friends/look like I'm willing to just do anything with anyone.

 

I need to tell him this, now it's just a matter of getting in touch with him and making set plans so I can do so.

 

Part of me just wants to put him on the back burner, let him contact me whenever he does and just start meeting/going out with other people that are less likely to put me in this situation. I'm obviously not in any way a priority to him and since you can technically date multiple people at once I feel like I shouldn't feel so guilty about it.

[t1lersm0m1]

Why don't you try this....don't tell him this. It seems you've tried that route, and it hasn't worked. Why don't you try just not hanging out with him. If he cares, and wants a relationship, then not having you around will be a wake up call. If you stop hanging out and he can care less, then you get your answer.

 

This is no reflection on the person you are. I think a lot of us women get caught up in that. "If I was better, or prettier, or whatever, he'd want to be with me." Chances are he is not looking for a relationship right now, and maybe he enjoys the cuddling, fooling around, and is hoping for sex, but right now he can't offer ANY woman anything more, including you.

 

But you've admitted you aren't happy. And from what I recall reading you've TRIED talking to him about it. Nothing has changed. So why don't you see how he gets on WITHOUT you in his life?

 

When he asks to hang out, you have plans. Or a migraine, or a date.

 

You are NOT happy. Stop being with someone who is NOT making you happy. You DESERVE better! I've settled for scraps, and it's no fun. And it sounds like you are settling for scraps.

[missmarple]

Why don't you try just not hanging out with him. If he cares, and wants a relationship, then not having you around will be a wake up call. If you stop hanging out and he can care less, then you get your answer.

 

I agree with this. I've done it in the past. It worked and it led to a long term relationship.

[akrngrl]

Thank you! You're both right and I think that may be my best option. Now for a question that will make me look even more clueless about dating (if that's possible). Is there a set amount of times to refuse plans? We usually hang out once a week, last week being twice because of the party. Or is it something I do if/until I see more of an effort on his part/him coming up with better plans other than just "hanging out"?

[t1lersm0m1]

In my opinion, and it's just my opinion, you refuse plans until he asks you on a proper date. Not a text saying "Hey, wanna come over tonight?"

 

If he gets that you are blowing him off and asks to talk, you give him an audience. But you don't SAY anything about what you want. You let him talk, and listen to what he has to say. If he doesn't bring up a relationship, you politely leave.

[akrngrl]

t1lersm0m1- Thank you so much for all of your help! Ironically I just got a text from him now (10:00 at night haha) so this is perfect timing. I'm definitely not going to cave into seeing him unless he makes the effort to actually plan a date/actual outing that doesn't involve his bedroom, with advanced notice.

[t1lersm0m1]

You're welcome. Right now you are his beck and call girl. He's bored and wants to make out, he texts you. A proper guy who wants to get to know you will make plans ahead of time and take you out on a proper date.

 

And you DESERVE that!