3 months out, feeling lonely and in pain

[Pleasedonot5]

Hey everyone,

 

Long story short I broke it off with my girlfriend of 2.5 years approaching 3 months ago. I broke it off because I felt it was starting to become a one-sided relationship and due to communication issues. At the end in the summer, (we lived a couple miles from each other) we'd see each other once a week, and have personal time together once every two weeks. Not only was this not enough for me, but what pushed me over the edge was the last time we got together, she had just gotten home from a long vacation with her family and had planned a couple others with her friends. She showed up late to my house and said she had to leave after an hour or two to pack and get ready for the next day. Not only that, but we were at my house alone and are a young couple... she didn't tell me why, but she rejected the moves I made to initiate and we ended up sitting there bored.

 

Not only was I not getting any communication from her when anything was bugging her (and she'd also try to convince me nothing was bugging her even when I knew it was; I had tried to get her to be able to communicate many times before and I'd talk to her about it to no avail), but I was not getting sex (like I said, we'd have alone time other once every two weeks and then half the time she wouldn't want to do anything), and at the end I was not getting her time either. Our relationship came to be nothing but small-talk that you'd not expect from a couple so young. So I thought about things for a couple nights and then had the realization that things weren't going well (this wasn't the first time) and I knew I had to break it off.

 

I met her at a neutral place and told her honestly the reasons I wanted to break up with her (I didn't blame her and I left out the sex topic as to preserve myself and my reputation with our friends) and I'm proud of myself because I think I did everything honestly and correctly in that aspect.

 

Post-BU, we've talked once or twice but mostly NC that I initiated. Looking at her social networking sites, I can tell that she's made some positive lifestyle changes and even has gotten more into running (which is what my sport focuses on (Track and XC)). She's gotten a new job at the gym and has a ton of friends to surround herself with. She's still hurting and she's said on the sites she wants things to be the way they were.

 

I have been having fun at college with casual hook-ups, hanging out with roommates, etc. just living the stereotypical college athlete life. However, I've come to realize recently that not only do I miss her and like the changes she's made, but I also am very lonely in the midst of having FWB relationships (which are strictly casual and I don't think it will turn into anything). I miss her company and being able to tell her about my day, about my troubles, and about my feelings for her. Truthfully, we didn't really have that in our second relationship (we broke up after a year last time (she broke up with me -- that was my fault as I was being a jerk)), but we had something very special in our first relationship that I want to relive. That on top of missing her and not knowing what to do, eats at me inside while I'm stranded here at my university, unable to reconnect with old friends back home during the week.

 

The problem is, going back to her at this point I feel would cause me to not only lose respect for myself but also would foster resentment -- I would feel that she had not fought for me to keep me (and like her, I'm a prize dammit). It wouldn't do the very hard work I put in last summer to fight for her and make the changes I made in my life to get her back any justice. I feel that it would also cause her to feel like she doesn't have to work to always have me or something along those lines, and that might be one of the culprits of the end of our second relationship.

 

At the same time, I miss her and I want the communication, love, sex, and times together that we had in our first relationship (not our second relationship) back. I confidently feel like if we got back together, I could probably find ways of communicating with her more openly (and vice-versa).

 

At this point I'm very confused and don't know what to do. I'm alone in my thoughts and words and need some guidance. Any thoughts or advice please?

[bwhite00]

I've done the same thing before... broke up with someone and wanted them back pretty badly. I ended up reviving the relationship, but what hurts is it's hard to regain trust. Patterns like these tend to repeat. But you guys were together a long time. Maybe just ask her if you can sit down and talk? Just be open and honest. If you still love her, it is what I would do. Because life is short.

[Lovaholic]

If you want to be with her then be with her. You seem to have too much of an "ego" and its okay to break up and get back together. IMO life is about timing. Maybe the timing wasn't right before but is now. Go for it and good luck!

[SooSad33]

I understand 'missing them', but be sure it's not just 'lonliness' nailing you.

it's very common after a break up between cpl's.

 

Just going to suggest you do think twice before thinking to run back & for all to be the same again.

If there were issues before, are they all gone now? Is all okay now?

 

How close do you two would be trying to get together again for a 3rd time? Do you think it is possible, really?

Or just.. lonely?

[catfeeder]

It sounds as though she was never quite 'over' the causes of the first breakup and this froze her up in round two.

 

So sure, you miss what you had before your first breakup, but that isn't what you left.

 

It's a natural thing to glamorize 'what could have been' into the most idealized times of a relationship, but if that were possible to achieve in round two, it wouldn't have gone so stagnant.

 

Point is, work from where you left off rather than from what was unattainable at that point. You may be clear that you could offer your best, but that doesn't speak for her.

 

That said, you don't have anything to lose by attempting contact to see where it could lead. Sure, if things don't work out as you wish you'll have compounded your grief a bit, but you sound healthy and resilient enough to overcome that if necessary.

 

Another plus is that regardless of where the chips land, you'll take some comfort in knowing that you've tried everything you possibly could.

 

Head high, and I hope you'll update us.

[Pleasedonot5]

Thank you all for your replies and advice. It is much appreciated

 

I have been thinking a lot more about her starting the last week and a half or so. I ended the casual (not exclusive) relationship with one of my best friends mutually on the account that both of us are not over our exes. She understood and that's good. So it's at the point where I'm not really wanting to casually date or try to hook up with other women. Of course, the temptation is still there naturally but I'm not trying for it -- I miss my ex and my single life has calmed down quite a bit at the moment.

 

As an update, I saw her last night at a high school choir concert -- we're both alumni from the same school and sat with the same group of friends. I didn't talk to her in person, but afterwards she texted me saying she meant to say hi afterwards but couldn't find me (I was actually just about to say something similar). We had a conversation for a bit but I found myself confused and conflicted and I said, "Hey I don't meant to end the conversation, but I'm kind of confused about my feelings -- seeing you the last two times is making my emotions all rattled to be honest. I miss you a lot, but can I please talk to you later? I would appreciate it to which she replied that she understood. I thought about her a lot that night and lost sleep over it.

 

bwhite00 and Lovaholic,

 

You both have a point. Break-ups happen and I probably shouldn't let justice or my ego (although I'm still a prize haha ) keep me from reconciling and building love and a great relationship. That said, I don't want to go back for the wrong reasons and also I do need to make sure that (although this isn't the "justice" reason per se) she does and will try should we pursue another relationship. I don't want to be in the situation again where I'm thrown under the rug and she takes me for granted. I don't want to go through that again.

 

catfeeder,

 

Thank you for your input. Yeah, you're right. The worst that happens is that the grief is prolonged, but naturally I want there to be the least amount of grief possible for the both of us. I don't like causing others pain so I'm very careful and honest in my interactions with her. You're also right that I can't expect the same reciprocation from her. At that point I grieve then move on I suppose. I also like the "work from where you left off" point. Most say to start the relationship over and not to do that, but after experiencing that before I think I disagree. I don't think it's as natural and honest as the method you mentioned.

 

I'll keep you all updated!

 

SooSad33,

 

You're right. You voiced my fears. I don't want to go back because I'm just lonely (although things have been getting better with seeing old friends and being honest and communicating regularly with good friends and teammates (including more so with my best friend now that we ended our casual non-exclusive relationship)). I also don't want to go back to the same thing. I know she's worked on herself has made some very impressive lifestyle changes including being more confident/motivated and a lot friendlier to people -- however that wasn't the problem. The lack of communication, time, sex, and arguably even love was what I could not stand for any longer. I was thinking of meeting up with her and talking to her about my specific feelings/reasons surrounding the break-up and being open to reconciliation if I was sure that the above changes would be made so that I would be sure we would have a healthier relationship this time around. It would not necessarily be a "let's get back together talk" but more of a talk that would clue her in more to my feelings surrounding the break-up and what I would need to happen in order for us to reconcile.

 

I'm not 100% about that idea, what do you all think? Advice and guidance is greatly appreciated, I'm still lost and confused here as to what to do...

[Pleasedonot5]

I went home for the weekend, and apparently I found out (through social networking sites, (bad idea, I know)) that my ex shows up (with my old old ex girlfriend) and starts making friends with my floor mates and even vines videos of herself in my DORM ROOM.

 

Is that creepy? That's creepy as hell right? Am I right to feel enraged and confused, to feeling like I was going to work things out with her and then now not want anything to do with her? She has the nerve to invade my personal space, and post it on twitter/facebook? What kinda power trip is she on? Like holy hell, I'm freaking out. Lines have been crossed. This is bad.

[SooSad33]

Re your responses to us, I feel you are NOT sure to many things. I feel you are very much 'confused' at the moment and you need some serious thoughts and yourself time to figure things out.

I also dont feel you're all that confidant about you & her. There ARE issues that are still at hand. Nothing much had improved, has it?

 

As for recent stuff on your ex- why is she in your dorm room? With other ppl?

I think it was rather 'invasive' to do a video shot in YOUR room- i think that was almost insulting as to NO respect towards you?

I honestly think you should stop all contact so things can be 'sorted out and understood' between you two.

No contact, nothing. The less the better I find, in order to be able to accept & deal with the loss.

AND I have no idea why she did what she did, but im sure she'll be informed soon on your feelings for it...