How Not To Be An Embarrassment To Your Grown-Up Children

[Silverbirch]

Hi, this is partly tongue-in-cheek, but also quite serious. I have a grown-up son in his mid-twenties. When he was a child, we got along like a house-on-fire and had so much fun together. Then the teen years came, and as with most boys his age, he had a need to breakaway from his mother. I recall asking him once when he was around 14 why he didn't want to come and do the groceries with me as he always used to come and pick out what he wanted. He told me some other boys from school had seen him with me and were making fun of him. Well, I can think of different things like that from the teen years where Mum's become an embarrassment to their kids.

 

I know my son loves me, but to be honest, I miss a lot of those things we used to do and know I have to let go of that. He is a long way from home now travelling. I was thinking though that I wonder if sometimes I am still an embarrassment to him. When he was a kid, we always had other kids come to visit and stay, but now he only ever comes on his own.

 

My home is very modest though usually clean and tidy and I have to watch that I don't hoard things. I'm planning a trip to the tip soon and have a big clean-up before he gets home.

 

Is anyone able to share info about what embarrasses them about their parents or advice from parents on how not to be an embarrassment to grown-up kids. Thanks.

[alli]

When I was a kid I started to get embarrassed giving my parents hugs in front of people. I would always hug my parents when they drove me somewhere & dropped me off. I started to not want to go that when I was around 12. Now I don't hug my parents anyway when they drop me off somewhere. As an adult there isn't really a lot they could do to embarrass me. I guess because peer pressure is a thing of the past for me and I don't care as much what other people think. My mom has bipolar disorder and can act a bit different sometimes. She saves the more extreme emotions for the privacy of home, but in public there is still something just a bit different about her. I can't describe it any better than that. I've noticed people trying to give me looks but I ignore it. I don't really care what strangers think about my mom because their opinion really means nothing. It's none of their business. She is who she is.

 

I think for adult children it might be a little different than when they are kids. I doubt he is still embarrassed by all the things he was as a kid. Maybe there are still a few things that would embarrass him; maybe there aren't. He may or may not tell you if you asked. I guess the best way to know for sure is to be observational around him & see if he seems embarrassed when you do certain things.

[Seraphim]

As an adult I don't remember ever being embarrassed of my mother. My father is a different story though. Almost everything that comes out of his mouth is cringe worthy. My father lives in poverty and has very few things but that is not something that would embarrass me. What is embarrassing are the statements that come out of his mouth. He is just not socially appropriate. I have not introduced him to anybody I know in probably 24 years.

[tmp110314]

Geez, both of my parents are gone now. I'd give anything to have them here to embarrass me with anything they wanted.

 

Having said that, as an adult, my mother used to embarrass me by participating in conversations at a level that she would speak authoritatively on a topic that she really didn't know about. This would happen at various family functions or with friends or work acquaintances of mine or my siblings. If someone pointed out an error in what she stated as fact, she would get indignant and insist that she was right and the other person was wrong.

 

Other times, during conversations, if she was too uncomfortable with the topic and she was feeling bad about not knowing anything about the subject, she would start interrupting the conversations by continually asking people if they wanted coffee or something to eat. Eventually the conversations would taper off just to put my mother more at ease.

 

We always tried to get her involved by asking her leading questions as to what she was interested in, but that rarely bore any fruit. She led a pretty quiet life and it was apparent in her conversational skills.

 

I would try to provide respectful counsel to her on this issue. I tried to explain that no one would have an issue with her participating in the conversations if she would only accept the fact that she was not versed in a lot of the topics. I encouraged her to ask questions, to learn, rather than stating as fact something that she just didn't know much about.

 

Unfortunately, it did no good. She was too proud and set in her ways to change.

 

I often ask my children if there is anything that I do to make them uncomfortable with their friends. So far, the answer has been no. I hope that they are not just being kind. They've always been able to tell me the truth without fear. I hope they still remember that I would not be angry or hold it against them if they told me that I made them uncomfortable in front of others.

[luminousone]

Well, my kids are younger but since I am from a large family I do know that it is normal for them to break away at that age. I remember that it wasn't until my late 20's or early thirties that I began to appreciate them again.

[Silverbirch]

Thanks so much for the replies All. Yes, Ali, I am sure that I embarrassed my son by crying at an airport. He doesn't like public displays of emotion. Actually, he doesn't like to ever see me emotional even in private, but annoys him more so in public.

 

Vic, I hope I don't say anything at all inappropriate to my son in public. I do recall once when he was a teenager, a rare occasion that I happened to be in a department store with him and I stopped to look at some underwear on sale in the aisles. When I saw the expression on his face, I moved on very quickly.

 

Hi DJohnM, what a lovely and thoughtful reply. Thank you. I'd so love to be able to see my father again and I value all the time I have with my mother these days, not knowing how long I will have her for. I think I will ask my son too if I do things which embarrass him or make him feel uncomfortable.

 

Hi Lum, yes, it's only been in recent years that I apologised to my mother for awful things I did in my teens. Even when I spoke with her last night, she has definite selective amnesia, saying that I never gave her a worry in the world - completely untrue.

 

Well, what my parents did that embarrassed me - as a teenager, I hated it when my mother called my name out loudly in public. I was very shy and I HATED when she did that. I thought also she was overly modest and prim and expected the same of us. She sent us to deportment classes and also she used to say: "Well, as long as you can type - you'll be okay." I hated typing and even though there were lots of expectations, my mum really seemed like she was from some other era to the one I came from - that was embarrassing when people saw that. I didn't like the way my father dressed sometimes - way too hip - and sometimes people thought he was my brother. I just wanted him to look like everybody else's father.

[Seraphim]

I don't think you were inappropriate SB. It might just be his nature to be more independent. It may sound "old school" and sexist BUT I think there is a grain of truth to it. Girls usually stay closer to their families. Boys they head out more into the wild blue yonder and take for granted that family will be there years down the road when they are interested in that stuff. I always stayed close to my mom. My brother he had made off with the girl who was to become his wife in his early twenties. It was all her her her her her and then his kids until he reached his 40's and now he is more connected to his family again. My mother's brother was the same. Only he did not get to be close to his parents again because he was an orphan at 30. So now he looks up to my mom to keep family alive and he has a song for her that is " Home is where the love is" and he asks her things about their parents he did not know even though he was physically closer to his parents for many years longer than my mother. She was emotionally closer.

 

So take heart SB. He WILL come back to you in the closeness you remember. I understand. I was achingly close to my boy when he was a baby and small child. And yesterday I got the first, " uh yeah whatever mom" and the eye roll. He is on his way out of closeness. He turns 16 in 2 weeks . SIGH So like you I lament because I only have a son too.

[Silverbirch]

LOL THANKS VIC! I only have 3 sisters and no brothers and my 6 nephews are all quite a deal younger than my son so I don't have lots to compare it to. All my sisters and I are close to our mother, and even when we were young enough to find her embarrassing, we didn't move too far away. My son is so much more independent of me than any of us were to our mother.

 

Well, I look forward to the day he may come back. He says he is never marrying and/or having children so for me not to expect any grandchildren. It wouldn't break my heart, but I do like babies and children, and I'd be a very willing granma!

[Kaytie]

Honestly? I was one of those kids who adored my parents and didn't give a rats azz what anyone thought of that. I regularly went to the mall with my Dad (and he often put his arm around me, even as a teen), had lunch with just my Dad or both parents (even in the food court!!) and spent a lot of time with them. My social circle consisted of friends that were also very close to their families and we didn't judge one another for actually showing that we loved our parents.

 

I remember my Dad saying to me once that he didn't understand those kids that were ashamed of their parents and that he hoped we never turned out that way. We never did.

 

Then again, my parents are very socially appropriate and were very fun. My friends loved to hang out at our place because there was always something to do and there were always snacks

 

As an adult, I'm still very close to my family, and I know I am fortunate. I know they have always been fantastic role models by being so family-centric.

[tmp110314]

Kaytie Wow..... that sounds absolutely wonderful. Thanks for posting this. Something positive about parents is always great to see.

[journeynow]

Is anyone able to share info about what embarrasses them about their parents or advice from parents on how not to be an embarrassment to grown-up kids. Thanks.

 

At some point I came to accept that I might embarrass my grown children just by being myself. I accept them for being who they are, and that they aren't necessarily how I expect them to be. Primarily I see them as adults who I am interested in and respect, who I also happen to love and be proud of.

 

On the other hand, I remember my father insulting me in front of his colleague when I was 18, when I tried to contribute to the conversation. I was mortified, and never understood why he said what he did.