i want to be single but i love my boyfriend

[keeptrying]

Ive been with my partner for 6 years, living together since i was 15, and now i'm about to turn 21. I spent my whole teenage life as his girlfriend and i love him immensely. But i want to be on my own now, i want to live alone and i want to experience the single life. I just want the option to do whatever i want. I started posting here a year ago about how we were going to break up, how it was over. But we made it through and we are still together. Our lease is about to end and i keep bringing up living separately, just to experience some independence. He is infuriated at the idea that i want to be on my own, he accuses me of not loving him. But we've been living together for so long and all i want is to have my own life and my own place. He is so angry that i want to live seperately, i haven't even mentioned that i actually want to have a break from the relationship, all i've said is we should try living separately just so i can see how it is. He is going to flip the f out when i tell him that i want to have a break. I just want to be single just to get it out of my system. I don't want to loose him so i'm going to just give up on what i want and just stay with how things are, i don't know what i'll regret more though - loosing him or never experiencing independance and being young and single. I dont know whats more important to me. I have been pushing away the constant urge to be able to do what i want and i just don't know what to do anymore. Any help would be greatly appreciated!

 

woah reading that back to myself, i sound cold hearted and selfish!

[top bloke]

If you want to live a single life then you are closing the door to having a partner. Single life entails seeing other people and exploring your life. This is a question only you can answer. What do you really want? Have the partner but not experience life as a single person or is single life really not worth losing the man you say you love? Do you love him enough to not want to be single ? The choice is yours but you cannot have your cake and eat it too...choose wisely

[KarenC]

Wow, 15 years of age is extremely young and with that being said -- I feel that you possibly bit onto things that you were too inmature to realize that you weren't able to swollen and/or chew and/so now you're ready to live.

 

In my opinion -- I feel that you aren't wrong for wanting to explore, live life, nor for wanting to live in your own place because you've never had the pleasure of doing so because of your choice to live the adult-life before your time, however; I do feel that you would be deceptive and wrong if you choose to stay and pretend as if you're happy when infact you're not.

 

We all grow up in life and we can't always settle to live a certain way just to please someone else if/when we aren't happy in a situation because only we know our limits and only we know ourselves and when we do -- Usually we'll end up doing things that are wrong and hurtful to others if we don't free ourselves.

[keeptrying]

If you want to live a single life then you are closing the door to having a partner. Single life entails seeing other people and exploring your life. This is a question only you can answer. What do you really want? Have the partner but not experience life as a single person or is single life really not worth losing the man you say you love? Do you love him enough to not want to be single ? The choice is yours but you cannot have your cake and eat it too...choose wisely

 

but thats not fair, i don't know if i want the single life because i don't know what its like. I'm not happy in my relationship because all i think about is what its like to be single, to flirt, to live without having anyone to answer to. He's 26 and im 20, he knows what is like the be single and he knows what its like to be in a relationship. It really isn't fair

[penelope13]

part of being an adult is making decisions, difficult decisions, as well as owning up to the choices you made.

 

You can't blame other people for not having the same experiences as them. If you want to have those experiences, then you have to act accordingly.

 

There is nothing wrong with wanting to experience the single life. I actually think it's a healthy and necessary experience as a young adult to discover who you are independent of anyone else before you start committing to a serious romantic relationship.

 

Whatever you decide (breaking up or remaining in the relationship) you should be honest with your partner where you emotionally are. Anything else is unfair to him

[Batya33]

You do love him, you are just not committed to him. My friend almost made the same decision you did, when she was almost 19, almost 30 years ago. She chose not to lose her boyfriend. They've been happily married for 26 years. Might not be the right choice for you but understand you can't have your cake and eat it too - if you want to be single that's fine but you cannot expect your boyfriend to wait for you.

 

Nothing unfair here. You chose to be with him all these years. In my humble opinion you're probably glamorizing the single life but I don't blame you for wanting to experience it.

[itsallgrand]

I would like to ask you how come you ended up living with a man at the age of 15? Were you running away from something? Was your family life terrible?

 

I dont think you should feel bad at all in leaving. He was 21 and hooked up with a 15 year old. Did he think he had a mature, developed woman on his hands here? That is unrealistic if he did. You aren't expected to be at 15. Most people consider 15 that place where you are still a child and needing adults there to help guide you. It's normal. It's when you begin the journey of starting to assert some independence and learning a bit what it means to be an adult. What is coming up; and who you are. It's normal to not be ready for a 'relationship' of the sort you got involved in at 15.

 

That said. Some people do make choices like that, and it does work out. I think it says a lot though that his response to your normal desire to be an independent person and develop yourself, find out who you are FIRST in order to truly commit to him, by being infuriated and saying you don't love him - is seriously not good. It speaks volumes.

 

I think relationships need to take into account that people constantly grow and change. And for something to work, both people need to be supportive of the growth of the other. Sometimes people grow together, sometimes apart. But regardless of that: growth should not be stunted for the sake of 'staying in a relationship'.

 

He is your first boyfriend. Most people don't end up staying with their first for their entire lives. It can happen; but it's not a standard and you haven't failed if this isn't the case for you. You dont even know what else is out there for you - with adult eyes. You are still at the point of developing adult eyes!

 

And you can love someone and not want to be with them anymore. I certainly still loved my last boyfriend when we parted ways. But I couldn't give him what he was looking for past the point we were at. I don't see it as love to deny oneself or be false in order to keep the other around - that is more about dependence.

 

And maybe both of you, have some mutual dependence going on. He may be 27 - but that doesn't mean he can't be at any emotional and psychological spot there is out there. Including one 'younger' than what you may think 27 'should' be.

[lavenderdove]

The problem with this becomes that when you settle down and have a couple kids and the stresses and strains of a young family, if you are not 100% sure you made the right decision to stay with him, the feeling of being 'trapped' will just get worse. That is when you are suspectible to wanting to leave or have affairs or anything that gets you out of feeling trapped.

 

So you need to be 100% sure that you are committed to him before you triangulate marriage and children into the mix. I am not a big fan of someone trying to go straight from a family as a child straight into a relationship and never living on your own, because you haven't had time to discover who you really are (and at 21 you are still 'half baked' and need more time).

 

So my suggestion is that if you're not 100% sure that you want/need to be single, that you find other ways to get out and about on your own. For example, if you're in school, why not plan a semester abroad, or a summer working in some internship for your career overseas or in a location where he isn't. Or if you're not in school, go to school and start spending time with other people that don't involved him. You don't need to even date or sleep with other people at this point, just look for opportunities to get out and about and experience life without him joined to you at the hlp, where you can explore your separate identity from him and see where it goes without actually breaking up with him. You don't have to break up with him, but you can find ways to have a 'break' that allow you to pursue other interests and live elsewhere for a while such as being an exchange student or going for a semester abroad.

 

Or start volunteer work at a hospital or somewhere else. Anything that gives you a life separate from him to see how that feels.

 

And if you are still feeling smothered/stuck when you get out, or feel better when you're away from him than with him, that will help guide you that you need to break up. But if you find you really miss him when you're away from him, then that is a sign maybe you need to stick with it.

 

And if he won't let you explore life and career oppotunities that allow for short separations without breaking up, then he is probably trying to control and smother you and doesn't want you to find yourself or change and grow. That can be a really bad sign, if he is so insecure and controlling you can't even go off for work or studies for a while.

[keeptrying]

I would like to ask you how come you ended up living with a man at the age of 15? Were you running away from something? Was your family life terrible?

 

My mother is schizophrenic and ive never met any family(uncles,grandmas etc), and i have no dad. I really had nothing to stay for so i just ran away, moved to the opposite side of the country, stayed a missing person until i was 16 when i knew they couldn't make me go back, then told the police i wasn't missing and now 4 years later i'm still here. I never had much of a choice - anything was better when where i was. I may have chosen to stay with my partner for all these years, but it's not like i had many other options. but this is an entirely different story. I love my partner more then anything, he is the only person i have in the world, if i think to much about it -i convince myself that i need to stay with him but i don't want my past to influence what i want in the now so all of this is irrelevant.

[keeptrying]

by "they couldn't take me back" i mean the police

[Batya33]

I like the compromise suggestion made about experiencing independence without dating other people or looking for other people to date. It's not healthy to feel you only have that one person in the world so it's time to expand your world. You shouldn't convince yourself to stay -staying should be a joyful choice at least the vast majority of the time. Is there a counselor (or similar person) you can talk to?

[lavenderdove]

>>hes angry, he tells himself hes a no hoper and hes so addicted to weed, he doesnt believe he can ever earn more money then me..so he says im ripping him off our future for not being the workaholic that he is and getting everything he wants out of life fast enough.

 

Oh wait, i just read your prior threads. I'm going to change my advice. This guy is sponging off of you and holding you back and he's addicted to weed and encouraging you to 'work harder' so he can get toys while he does nothing?

 

Drop him. Seriously. Right now. You don't want this albatross around your neck. Go find someone who is an equal and not a user and a loser addicted to weed.

[lavenderdove]

And now I see he also cheated on you and you have strong indications that the only reason you are together is he is sponging off your higher income. And these complaints are from just a few months ago. Honey, time to cut this guy loose and fly. Of course he doesn't want to live separately, because then he'd have to support himself and give up all that lovely time sitting around stoned on weed while you're at work.

[keeptrying]

haha! im not even allowed to sleep over my girlfriends houses, under any circumstances. There is no way he is going to let me do any of them things, but thanks.

[itsallgrand]

The reason why I asked was to find out who else, and what else, you have had in your life and do now. Your support network, people who love you, people you trust - besides him.

 

I know you don't want all this to influence what you want in the now; sometimes though the past and the choices we made because of it needs to be dealt with more thoroughly in order to fully get the most out of where we are and where we are going . It's only a suggestion. I liked the idea of you speaking to somebody about it. Because i think it could really help you a lot in sorting out all your mixed feelings and wants and needs right now.

 

Also, you may have felt before like you had no choice, but you do now. It sounds like you have accomplished a lot with very minimal support - working hard, supporting yourself. Imagine what you could do with a big fat healthy support team and everything you ddin't have before.

 

Really wishing the best for you. You seem like a strong person. And you can do whatever it is you set out and decide to do. So good luck in your decision(s).

[Seraphim]

The reason you "love him more than anything "is he saved you from a hideous life. Now he has become that hideous life. Really you went from the frying pan to the fire. It is time to leave him too.

[keeptrying]

And now I see he also cheated on you and you have strong indications that the only reason you are together is he is sponging off your higher income. And these complaints are from just a few months ago. Honey, time to cut this guy loose and fly. Of course he doesn't want to live separately, because then he'd have to support himself and give up all that lovely time sitting around stoned on weed while you're at work.

 

Haha! i genuinely giggled out loud to that instant change of advice. he's got a job now, he works as a baker but he still smokes weed. I agree the reason he doesn't want to live separately is because he doesn't want to have to soley support himself. He doesn't know about me wanting to go on break or wanting to be single, all i asked him was if we could live seperately because i want to know what its like, and thats what hes so angry about. I dunno what to do, im kinda sure its just time to let go

[keeptrying]

Thankyou so much for all your advice, i feel just through reading these posts that the decision i need to make is obvious to everyone but myself. Truly thank you

[Seraphim]

You need to be out on your own making your life decisions. If he's not even allowing you to go stay friend's homes he's being overcontrolling. And the reason he's being overcontrolling is he doesn't want to loose his meal ticket. Please go make a life for yourself. You are very courageous. And you're smart. And I know these things for sure because you have survived. Now you need to blossom !

[lavenderdove]

i give my advice based on the facts given, and you neglected to mention that the problem was deeper here than just you wanting to play at being single. I would advise against anyone marrying someone who is sponging off them for money or the lifestyle, or who is a serious weed smoker because most of them are pretty aimless in life and are just big kids who are looking for a parent figure to support them and let them live in perpetual childhood and in a stoned haze.

 

And of course he is angry about living separately if it lowers his lifestyle and demands he spend more of him money supporting himself rather than blowing it on weed. And he doesn't have a safety net if he loses his job because he is stoned all the time and doesn't really want to work. Believe me, I understand completely because I married someone who didn't like to work and who just drifted thru life. As soon as we married he did everything he could to NOT work and to extend his unemployment spells as long as possible. He only got a job and worked when I threatened to leave if he didn't, and he only worked long enough to pacify me then would start behaving in ways that ensured he lost his job, then he'd be happily unemployed again.

 

So don't waste your time here. Think back to when he was unemployed and smoking weed all day long. That most likely is your future with him, especially if he feels secure and like he's got you on the hook.

 

What you tell him is that you want to make sure that he is truly committed to being an adult and working a job and supporting himself, and perhaps if he does that for a few years on his own you could feel confident that a permanent relationship will work, but not until then. Then you leave and see what he does. Most people like this will just instantly look for another meal ticket, another woman who is willing to move in and start supplementing his income and allowing him to be stoned and/or unemployed most of the time.

[keeptrying]

And now I see he also cheated on you

Have to correct you there - I cheated on him, about 2 or so years ago the most selfish most horrid thing ive ever done, ever. i have to live with it for the rest of my life, i make myself sick just thinking about it. So don't hold that one against him, that was me!

[Seraphim]

Have to correct you there - I cheated on him, about 2 or so years ago the most selfish most horrid thing ive ever done, ever. i have to live with it for the rest of my life, i make myself sick just thinking about it. So don't hold that one against him, that was me!

 

You need to forgive yourself. One never gets better without forgiveness.

[lavenderdove]

^^

Well, all roads lead to not ready to be a permanent couple yet. There are layers of problems here, and I think you need to step back and both work on getting your lives and careers together and especially you making sure he is not going to be a lifelong stoner who sponges off your income. The only way to find that out is to move out and also to see if he can and will support himself for a long time on his own rather than having the convenience of your income to improve his lifestyle and subsidize his ability to purchase weed and stay stoned all day.

[LovesMusic]

^^

Well, all roads lead to not ready to be a permanent couple yet.

 

I agree with this. I've been in a similar situation with my ex. The fact is your mind is already made up, you're really just trying to find the most diplomatic and sensitive way about going through with it. Do yourself a favor and get what you want out of life, that's the point of have your OWN life right? I do want to let you know that he most likely will not want to be back with you once you've had your soul vacation... You're going to have to be ok with letting fait handle whatever happens next. But in my opinion, you have already made the decision and you are living a lie by staying with him.