aseeker Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 So apparently he decided to come with our mutual friends to this event where I live. Apparently he decided it would be a good time to ask one of those friends to text me and ask to see me tomorrow to talk to me face to face, wherever I wanted. I had blocked his number one month after the break-up. Needless to say, I'm a wreck. Our split was bad, he treated me very poorly before, wanted to be friends at first and when I said I couldn't after a few weeks, he told me to get lost and never talk to him again. Etc etc. He handled the whole situation very badly from the start. He was the one to break up with me, again by text message, and didn't even want to talk about it when I said I'd want to meet him. So now, why should I meet him? What the hell does he want? I'm pretty ok, I've moved on and am dating someone for a while now. The only reason I'm pondering the situation is to try and get some closure, which I haven't. I still think about him everyday. My boyfriend is a wonderful guy and I keep comparing them both still. I still have feelings for my ex, I think, even though I know he's no good. He never will be. He probably just wants to stir me up now that he knows I've already moved on. Or maybe an excuse to ease his guilty conscience. Either way, I know I'll leave humiliated or a wreck from such talk. What do you guys think? What should I do? What should I respond to the text message? It's eating me up inside and I just don't know what to do. The worst part is, for a moment I even considered if he asked me to get back with him, if I would say yes. I'm completely out of mind! Please, someone put some sense into my head.... Link to comment
mhowe Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 You don't need to meet with him. It's over and you know it, and you no longer trust him. You don't meet with him to ease his conscience. And since he didn't even have the balls to come to you directly, but through friends, you don't need to do a thing. Go to the function. If you see him, suck it up --- smile, and have minimal contact. There should be enough people that you don't have to hang anywhere near him. Link to comment
Kimcwell Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 Don't go, esp if you know he's "no good." Closure comes from within. Think about how far you've come. Do you really want to start the healing process all over again? I sure wouldn't want to. Link to comment
Lorem Ipsum Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 The only reason I'm pondering the situation is to try and get some closure, which I haven't. The only "closure" you're ever going to get is what you give yourself. In the movies, the jerk (or jerkette) meets their ex, says all kinds of nice things the ex wants to hear (including how the jerk was the one to blame and has had all kinds of epiphanies about how selfish they were, how stupid to let the ex get away etc.)... but that's fantasy/entertainment, not reality. You don't need to see him to forgive him. You only need to forgive him for yourself, not him. If you don't want to meet him, don't. You don't "owe" him anything. As mhowe says, go to your event with your new BF. If your ex tries to engage you, be civil and keep it short. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 No, a simple, "I have moved on, there is nothing to talk about" is the only response you should give this guy. And he'd better kiss the ground and be grateful that he gets even that. He is as you say either feeling guilty and looking to alleviate his own conscience or he's heard you've moved on, is bored and not seeing anyone and has decided to see if he can stir up trouble and assure himself that he's still desirable and has you as a backup plan should he ever want or need you in that role. Don't go, the nasty person you saw during the breakup is who he really is underneath the fake smiling mask of the person you thought he was. Do you really want that back and to lose the healing you've done and the boyfriend that you now deserve for someone who only decides to contact you now that it suits him? Ask yourself those things and I think you'll have your answer. Link to comment
Notagoodninja Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 Oh my goodness! Babe...he left you for FOUR MONTHS what kind of guy does that to you then suddenly wants back in your life? Maybe he was seeing another girl and she broke up with him and he needs you to lick his wounds as an ego boost. You are AWESOME to have gone 4 months no contact. No honey do NOT EVER contact him!!! What would happen if you married him one day---you could end up pregnant and then- he just abandons you? Can you imagine? He already has flawed character!!! Think about your future. Link to comment
SomeGuy86 Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 Keep strong and don't contact him. Don't bother ever talking to him again. Forget about closure, sometimes you just can't have your cake and eat it too. I know that sounds cold, but sometimes the enticement of closure is just another trap, and you won't ever really get any closure. Link to comment
aseeker Posted August 25, 2013 Author Share Posted August 25, 2013 Thank you everyone for your responses! I don't know what I was thinking He sure doesn't deserve anything from me. FOUR MONTHS. And the only reason he came to my town was because his friends came to the event. If he was so desperate to see me he could have taken the bus himself way before! Which means he's not that interested. No effort whatsoever. The weirdest thing is my boyfriend (who I told about it) said maybe I should go because maybe my ex wanted to apologize to me. He said I should be the better person and hear what he had to say. That maybe I would feel better afterwards and finally have closure in this. That people can surprise you sometimes and that I shouldn't take the easier way out - but he supported me no matter what I decided because he just wanted me to be happy. I asked him for advice and he gave me that one. I agreed to certain extent but then I know how I'll get near my ex and how I'll feel so miserable I will be hurting for months afterwards. I couldn't think of any way he could make me feel better without, at the same time, making me feel like trash. I feel like I don't know him anymore, and so I can't make assumptions, but I doubt he'll apologize. He probably will end up angry and in a rage, especially if we end up talking about my bf. I just hope he doesn't cause any trouble at the event. My boyfriend is helping out at the organization so he can't really afford that kind of behavior. Right now I'm considering even going because I don't want to meet them at all. I went yesterday and left before they could get there (I didn't know HE was coming, though). I came up with the excuse I wasn't having much fun by myself because my bf was working and I was all alone in there (which was true but in normal circumstances I would have suck it up). How pathetic I am. Worst of all is still feeling like I deserved to be broken up with (for many factors). I felt like so during this entire period with some fluctuations. He had already broken up with me in November, I called him the next day and we made up (you can check my profile for more details). But I guess I wasn't that bad of a gf if he wants to contact me now. He's not the kind of person to go out of his way to help others. So I'm assuming this is all for him... Link to comment
aseeker Posted August 25, 2013 Author Share Posted August 25, 2013 I forgot to explain we are NC for 3 months only. But we broke up 4 months ago. The first month was very chaotic because although we were "NC" (by his wishing), he still contacted me for trivial things on and off. I stated I couldn't be friends with him at the moment, he flipped, was awful to me, and so I just went NC for good. Link to comment
aseeker Posted August 25, 2013 Author Share Posted August 25, 2013 Also, I am possibly meeting with him at a group gathering next month. He and I are part of this facebook group and we don't know most people there personally. They are awesome people and I want to meet them badly but because they live all over the country, we never did have that chance. So I don't know if I want to pass it up because of my ex either. Why should I? It's just so frustrating and hurtful at the same time. It's like I'm running away from him, whilst missing out on cool things BECAUSE of him Maybe he wants to talk to me about that. So we're cool when we get there. It'll be worse if I go to the gathering without meeting with him first today right? Link to comment
top bloke Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 Keep away from him and I recommend do not go to the facebook thing. The fact is he is likely still hurting but that is his problem to deal with especially if he treated you poorly. Time to keep him at bay and look after the new man and yourself . Link to comment
aseeker Posted August 25, 2013 Author Share Posted August 25, 2013 My instincts tell me not to go, but it's so unfair that he's keeping me from doing things that I like! Why would he be hurting when he was the one to break up with me and when he fell out of love way before even making the decision? It just makes me so mad and confused Link to comment
mhowe Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 He is not keeping you from going, you are. If you want to go to the event, go. Or go with you new bf -- Act like an the adult that you are --- that has moved on from the break up. No one says you have to spend the time chatting him up. If you want to talk, do so. If you don't, tell him and walk away. I don't think he is "hurting" ---- I think he may just want to clear the air as you have mutual friends and it would be less awkward for everyone if you can both be civil to each other. Link to comment
aseeker Posted August 25, 2013 Author Share Posted August 25, 2013 I already told the girl in charge of the gathering that I would be civil, although I can't promise it won't be awkward. I'm sure she talked to him about it after that, so there's really no reason for us to talk. Sure, I don't know how it'll be like when the time comes. It will probably be the worst thing ever. I know I shouldn't let him "ruin" it for me, but it's how I feel. The only thing that could help me get through it is some alcohol in my system... Do you think he's acting like an adult now, contacting me about this (if that is what he's on about)? Link to comment
mhowe Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 He may be acting like an adult --- it would seem so. He isn't trying to ambush you. You, however, are acting like a little girl. He is your ex, he isn't trying to get back with you --- I think he wants to clear the air. He isn't going to fight with you that you have a new bf. It will not be "the worst thing ever". I think you should go --- clear the air --- and move on. Do not add alcohol. Link to comment
aseeker Posted August 25, 2013 Author Share Posted August 25, 2013 Maybe I am but I wasn't expecting to hear from him, is all. It's easy to say when you're not on the person's shoes. I'm pretty willing to be on good terms with him, just not right now. It's too soon. If he can act like everything's fine, great. But I'm still hurt. I will pretend for the sake of our friends, if needed. First, you said he didn't have "balls" but now you're saying he was acting mature based on hypothetical circumstances. Link to comment
top bloke Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 Exactly it makes you angry confused because that is exactly what he wants. He is using it to keep you off balance to suck you back in. Keep away Link to comment
mhowe Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 Maybe I am but I wasn't expecting to hear from him, is all. It's easy to say when you're not on the person's shoes. I'm pretty willing to be on good terms with him, just not right now. It's too soon. If he can act like everything's fine, great. But I'm still hurt. I will pretend for the sake of our friends, if needed. First, you said he didn't have "balls" but now you're saying he was acting mature based on hypothetical circumstances. I said he didn't have the balls to come to you directly --- which means he was testing the waters thru friends. As you add more information ---like, he was coming to town with friends, not to "see" you...it appears he is not trying to ambush you or get back with you. Simply to let you know he will be there. Acting like an adult. Go --- and pretend if you have to. You don't have to be friendly --- just cordial. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 I know what I am about to say isn't of any help but, goodness me .... what about your poor boyfriend??? You said that you still have feelings for your ex and that you are always comparing him to your ex. He deserves a bit better than this don't you think? Either you have to let him go so that he can be appreciated for who he really is or you have to forget your ex completely. Link to comment
aseeker Posted August 25, 2013 Author Share Posted August 25, 2013 Funny thing is, he doesn't even like the event. At least he said he "hated that environment and people" when we last talked about it. That's why I was confused. He didn't tell me he'd be there. Our friend simply texted "(Ex's name) wants to talk to you in person. Do you think you could meet up? Wherever you want". I just assumed he would be there because that's where our friend is. It's not wanting to get back together that bothers me (I know it's not that, now that I've evaluated the situation a little better). It's knowing he'll make me feel bad no matter what he says - and not knowing what that is. Link to comment
aseeker Posted August 25, 2013 Author Share Posted August 25, 2013 I know what I am about to say isn't of any help but, goodness me .... what about your poor boyfriend??? You said that you still have feelings for your ex and that you are always comparing him to your ex. He deserves a bit better than this don't you think? Either you have to let him go so that he can be appreciated for who he really is or you have to forget your ex completely. Believe me, I would never get back with my ex or hurt my boyfriend. Yes, I do have underlying feelings for him but I don't think it's love. It's more like "I've been rejected and hurt beyond repair. I feel pain and for that pain to go away I need the person who created this whole situation to make it right again - by being with me or giving me some sort of closure". Which is the stupidest thing ever and it would never be an option. I hope it makes sense. Even if we do tak, there's no one who can make me move on but me. What I'm afraid of is being hurt yet again by someone I've been keeping away from for that same reason - to heal. I'm working on forgetting him, that's why I think meeting up is not a good thing. The only thing I regret is starting to date my boyfriend so soon after the break-up, nothing else. I had unresolved issues that needed to be fixed exactly so I wouldn't have these doubts and insecurities. But I don't doubt I want to be with him and that I love him. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 Why not just send a message that a) you are going to said event and bringing your boyfriend and b) you don't want or need to meet with him. Then go and enjoy yourself, remain cool and nod to him when you see him there, if you see him there, but that's it. If you know he'll make you feel like crap then just do not engage in a convo, end of story. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 I know what I am about to say isn't of any help but, goodness me .... what about your poor boyfriend??? You said that you still have feelings for your ex and that you are always comparing him to your ex. He deserves a bit better than this don't you think? Either you have to let him go so that he can be appreciated for who he really is or you have to forget your ex completely. I really feel sorry for this guy. If the thought of your ex is causing you this much turmoil, you really are not ready to date. I think the advice he gave you sounds reasonable, for someone who is over her ex. But you are not. So, it makes me wonder how emotionally available you are for this relationship. If he can affect you this strongly, you are not over him and your bf doesn't really deserve that. Link to comment
aseeker Posted August 25, 2013 Author Share Posted August 25, 2013 Ms Darcy, I'm aware this is not a good situation for either party but I'm making my best to not hurt anyone... That's all. I wished with all my being that I didn't feel so conflicted, but I made a mistake. I feel bad enough already, and just want to fix things. I know it won't work well but I have to try. I am now sure of my ex's intentions (at least I believe so) but I can't really tell if I should have nipped it in the bud and gotten it over with (by talking) or just ignore it, like I did. Now I just have to move on from this. He sent me two messages, one at dawn and one at around 7 AM. He said we needed to talk, that he was at my building's door and would stay there the whole night if needed. Then he said we needed to talk (again) and, when I saw the message, to reply and talk to him please. He and our friend were out last night so it could be drunk texting for all I know. I only saw these hours later because they were in the spam folder (I blocked his number). I felt bad that he waited for me but then I remembered I shouldn't care, because I waited weeks and weeks, suffered like hell, and he didn't care one bit. So one night outside should do no harm. Maybe I appear very cold but after how he acted with me, I just can't be any other way. I felt angry when I got the texts but now I'm just a bit numb. I just hope this doesn't jeopardize my healing or my relationship any more than it has already. One day at a time... Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted August 26, 2013 Share Posted August 26, 2013 What jeapordizes your relationship is that you are not over your ex and jumped into a new relationship before you were ready. Link to comment
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