After 4 months, ex contacts me today...

[ParisPaulette]

Yikes, when they wait outside your door it's time to send him one message via the friend and/or however he contacted you and tell him that you've moved on, you want no contact and for him to respect that. Then block and delete and if he shows up at your door call the police, he'll get the hint and leave. I know it's hard, but the fact is as you said he had weeks and weeks to make things right. My guess is he's heard about the new boyfriend and now he's not seeing anyone and thinks he can sort of force his way back into your life. The problem with such types is they think nothing of disappearing again whenever it suits them and you set a very bad precent of letting them come and go on their terms, not yours. On a separate note you may also want to talk to your current guy about your conflicted feelings since that's bothering you as well. In the end you have to be happy with yourself and do what's right for you and not worry so much about what either guy thinks. Find happiness in yourself first and you'll be able to find it with someone else.

[aseeker]

Thanks for the replies!

 

ParisPaulette, I don't believe he will contact me again after this bruising-ego experience so no need for cops. I do know we will need to talk eventually but it will probably be months until then. If at all. I think it's needed, due to mutual friends.

 

I feel like I reverted back to at least stage 2... My anxiety is back, not as strongly but quite so, I'm too nervous to eat or sleep properly and my head is a mess. I'm tired of thinking. I hate myself for letting this guy affect me like this. Why do I still care about him or what he thinks? He was a jerk, even though he pretended to care for a while, it was just for his benefit. The moment I didn't go along with what he said, he showed his true colors.

 

Really, I feel like I made a mistake not talking to him and that's preposterous! One "heroic" act doesn't erase the past nor declares he's anything but sorry. I blame myself everyday for things I did (my brain seems to think I was an awful gf all the time, even though even my ex admitted I had been the best gf he's had - I keep thinking he only said that to ease the blow) and I have to live with them. I didn't go and ask for his forgiveness months later just because I couldn't take it. I gave him all the time he wanted to be alone and talked to him whenever he came to me while on NC (which he imposed!) because I was still hoping for reconciliation.

 

I tried my best not to find out about his life but once in a while I slipped I admit.... He started using twitter a lot to speak to girls and was idiotical, and on facebook groups we belonged together he made sexual comments too. It was not innocent, it was to hurt me. He also posted anger related stuff about me and the end of the relationship. He was ruthless.

 

Me, I didnt use facebook for a while to get better. I didn't use it to vent. I tried my best to stay positive. I didn't even block him until a month later. I didn't even see or checked on mutual friends in case they told me something about him. I was hiding from the world with shame and for no reason!

 

Anyway, at this point in time I just generally don't know what to do. It's a fairly simple matter which I gave too much importance from the start. I just feel like spending sometime at my mom's place away from everything and everyone but I'm scared of falling into wallowing or depression. I don't go out much while in there. I just want to be alone....

 

I already talked to my boyfriend when the text came and throughout today but I don't want to bother him anymore. He doesn't deserve that. We talked a little about his exes and I found out he had broken up with his last one in November. Apparently things weren't ok for a while.

 

Maybe he was ready to date again and I wasn't, or maybe we both weren't and this is a terrible mess. I could almost laugh if I weren't in so much pain. Alas, only time will tell....

[ParisPaulette]

Wow, that is tough. First off stop blaming yourself, you know you weren't a bad girlfriend and nothing you did or didn't do could change what the ex was going to do. However it sounds like he tried his best to make sure you would think that and to punish you for not being available to him with no strings attached, which is a pretty rotten thing for anyone to do. Alot of times the person who has ulterior motives will get nasty and go out of their way to try and guilt the other party into thinking something was their fault in the hopes they'll eventually cave in and give the person what he or she wants after all. Again, these are not the actions of someone you want in your life and you're smart to recognize that. That said I do understand how it hurts and how it can definitely mess with your head when you have interaction with someone who's good at manipulation. The showing up months later to want to "talk" is yet more of the same. I know, because my ex did the same thing and it was never a good end result. I never walked away just at peace and happy we'd cleaned everything up, because that was never his intention to do even when he said it was.

 

One thing did stand out to me from your posts though is the involvement of mutual friend or friends who I gather are talking back and forth to you and your ex about each other. That's not a good thing and it can keep things going as you've now seen happen. Sometimes it's intentional to create drama, many times it's not the friends just think they're doing you a favor by letting the ex know you're doing great, etc. in a misguided attemp to stick up for you. Whatever the reason though it keeps alive what should be allowed to die and fade away--i.e. the broken relationship. So tell your friend or friends to stop reporting to you anything about the ex and limit his contact in every way possible including yes blocking him on email. And if he persists in trying to contact you a simple, "Leave me alone" message will suffice. And keep in mind you don't ever have to talk to the guy again if you don't want to. What he wants is irrelevant now. Tell yourself this, tell your friends this and then keep moving forward and getting out and enjoying yourself, not brooding on the issues as you said you might if you went to your mother's house. Even if you don't feel that way inside at the moment over time you will as you switch your behavior and thought processes away from the old relationship and look towards your future life, whoever may be in it.

[aseeker]

Yeah I wish I had never gotten that text from our friend... I know he's probably well-intended but I already made the mistake of talking to him when my ex broke up with me (pathetic but I was desperate) and I just know everytime he checks on me my ex probably gets to know about it...

 

This whole situation is so awful. If I were single I'd probably see him without a problem (almost) but I have my bf to think about. I talked to a friend and she advised me to cut ties before he tormented me anymore. She also said he probably doesn't feel love anymore, just wants to keep me around and maybe even be sick enough to want to make me miserable...

 

Ultimately, if he hasn't changed he still has no job, lives with his mom and plans to go to the army and a whole lot of other fantasy crap. He plays video games and goes out with friends. He didn't go to college nor plans to. Someone on the forum said we had very different priorities and would never work out. I'm evolving and he stays the same.

 

It's very hard for me to leave him behind but we're in different places at the moment. I just wished I had met him later in life, maybe things would have been different. My friend said he would never grow up and maybe she's right. I am very immature as well though and maybe my bf is too good for me...

 

I am thinking of texting him to say not to bother me. We will talk but not right now, it's too early. I am doing this for the sake of moving on once and for all. I don't want to be like my parents who still don't speak to each other and will cross the street if they see the other approaching. That's no way to live and they sure are not at peace.

 

I still feel attached to my ex but no good will come out of it right? I have to stop fooling myself, thinking we deserve to try again. We are the same people, nothing has changed. We'd simply be planting the seeds of disaster. My heart wants that but my head knows better.

 

I do not want to go through everything again but I just couldn't stand to be mad at him. I want us to be able to be at the same places without any awkwardness. But that can't be achieved overnight like he wants... I keep going back and forth between "I'm making a mistake" and "I need to do this no matter what". It's exhausting bht hopefully it will soon be over.

 

The reply to the text could go many ways: he ignores it, he gets angry, he tries to push me into talking, he understands that we need some time, he tries to call me. I guess I covered all possibilities... I should have texted sooner (he texted yesterday) but better than nothing. I don't owe him anything.

 

Thank you so much for your advice! I feel so unwise right now... You really helped me throughout these days

[Ms Darcy]

This whole situation is so awful. If I were single I'd probably see him without a problem (almost) but I have my bf to think about.

 

It's very hard for me to leave him behind but we're in different places at the moment. I just wished I had met him later in life, maybe things would have been different. My friend said he would never grow up and maybe she's right. I am very immature as well though and maybe my bf is too good for me...

 

I still feel attached to my ex but no good will come out of it right? I have to stop fooling myself, thinking we deserve to try again. We are the same people, nothing has changed. We'd simply be planting the seeds of disaster. My heart wants that but my head knows better.

 

Just going to say again that your current bf is a rebound. Why not be single so you can do what you need to do to heal? Cause this is ridiculous ... and I think your bf would be shocked if he knew how you were feeling as described here. You are PINING for your ex.