Getting my neighbor to leave me alone

[alli]

I'm having a difficult time getting my neighbor to leave me alone. We've been neighbors for four years and have hung our as friends in the past. We've gone out for meals together and with our husbands, had bonfires & gone to bars, but probably only a handful of times over the course of four years. However, at this time I don't want to invest in a friendship with her.

 

One reason is that she is very nosey. Once when she noticed a package was delivered to my house, she said it was "killing her to know what is in the box". Once when she invited me to do something with her and I already had plans, she asked three times what those other plans were. When we had carpet installed in our house, she must have seen the installation guys carry in the carpet & asked where we were getting the carpet installed at. Last week, my husband was running an electric saw in our backyard & she texted me asking if we were doing work inside our house. What bothers me is that I never told her about any of these things in the first place. I know that she can clearly see my house from her house, but on the flipside, I don't really notice when they have guests, or receive deliveries, or do work on their own house and it irritates the crap out of me that I feel like she takes note of everything going on at my house. When we had a new A/C and heater installed this summer, she texted me about 6 times throughout the day trying to get a status update of the installers' work. Because I feel like she's always trying to pry into my life, I don't really want to share anything with her when we do get together, so when we go out for dinner I can't think of anything to say.

 

Another reason is that she almost always cancels plans. Over the past year, we probably planned on going out to dinner about 6 times. She cancelled all but one of those. Always for various bs reasons; I can't even remember what they were. The last time we were going to get together at her house, but she tried to cancel because her husband came home early. I said "come to my house". She said she was going to take a nap & "we will see if I wake up early enough". Ughh... really? I don't even want to hang out that badly, but it sure is irritating when I make time & she cancels an hour before & wants me to make MORE time to get together later instead. I did tell her-twice- that it irritates me to make plans when she cancels them all the time and that I don't want to make plans with her if she is just going to cancel them. She will stop asking for a time but will essentially forget and will just start asking about setting up a time to get together again.

 

For the past 4 years, we will have times where I will hardly hear from her for months, then other times she will try to have a texting conversation every day. About 6 weeks ago I told her that I don't like texting for idle conversation. She really, really likes to text and would do it all day every day if I responded often enough. She has reduced the frequency of her texts, but still tries to initiate a conversation about every week. And when I don't respond to a text message, she will send a Facebook message instead. She asked me for the third time yesterday what day I start classes. Again, something trivial but I don't really want to share any information with her. Besides, I think if I responded by telling her the date, she would simply follow it up with a different question. Probably again asking if we are doing work in our house.

 

I feel like I am being rude by ignoring nearly all of her texts, but I did tell her that I don't like texting. The main reason I am not responding at all is because for every one response I send her, she will send 3 more trying to maintain contact. The last time she asked about making plans to get together, I just said "Sorry, I don't have time".

 

All I want is a cordial relationship with her. I want to smile & wave when I see her & engage in casual conversation if we happen to run into each other but that is all. I've never had anyone so insistent on being friends. As I said, I have told her that I don't want to text or make plans with her. I was hoping by not responding to her texts that she would give up. Her texts have slowed in frequency but have not stopped.

 

I know I could be more direct with her that I essentially don't want to be friends, but I can't think of a way to do it that wouldn't hurt her feelings. She isn't a bad person. But we've only gotten together like once in the past 18 months and we really have very little in common anyway. I feel like it's a conversation I should have in person with her, but it's so uncomfortable to do that! Wouldn't most people catch the drift by now? Any other ideas?

[mhowe]

Ignore all texts and FB questions. ALL of them.

 

She is an all or nothing person --- and you need to move to NOTHING.

 

And yes, the average person would have caught on by now. Imagine if you were "good" friends.

[Seraphim]

I think you have to tell her straight out you are not interested in a friendship with her but just being casual neighbours. She probably won't be casual neighbours after but at least she will leave you alone. Some people need to be hit in the head with a 2X4 to get something.

[alli]

Thank you both for the advice. Do you think if I do tell her directly that I don't want to be friends, I should quantify the reasons why? ie, her nosiness & her cancellation rate (as gently as I can word it) or just that we don't have a lot in common & that I am too busy? I am starting pharmacy school so being busy is no lie.

[Seraphim]

No, I would not qualify because that is kind of like rubbing it in and gives her a chance to refute. Just say you do not want to be friends.

[mhowe]

Tell her you are really busy and not a lot in common ---- things she cannot change.

 

Don't make it about her --- you will invite her to prove she can "fix" it.

 

And after the talk, NO RESPONSE.

[chitown9]

Thank you both for the advice. Do you think if I do tell her directly that I don't want to be friends, I should quantify the reasons why? ie, her nosiness & her cancellation rate (as gently as I can word it) or just that we don't have a lot in common & that I am too busy? I am starting pharmacy school so being busy is no lie.

 

You could tell her you are way too busy, but then she would ask you why:silly: I think that you just need to totaly ignore her.....chi

[alli]

Thanks everyone. I think I have a plan. I will continue to not respond to texts or emails. If she asks me if I am mad at her or something, I think I will tell her that between school and my family, I don't have time or energy left to try so hard to keep a friendship afloat. I don't have hard feelings but I'm not going to text, send messages or make plans to get together. I know that maybe I should just tell her this now but it's so much less confrontational to continue to ignore her messages! She can't possibly text me every week indefinitely if I never respond again right?

[Seraphim]

You can only hope not. You would think she would be tired of debasing herself this way.

[alli]

I'm sure everyone has been sitting on the edge of their seats waiting for an update! Kidding, of course.

 

Since I posted this thread about oh, 2 weeks ago, she has sent me another 3 or 4 messages trying to engage in conversation. Whenever it gets close to a week I think "Oh good, she finally gave up" and then she messages me again! I have 3 unread messages from her on Facebook. I don't open them because if I do, it will show her what time and date I read it. But I still see the whole message from her because it is very short. As everyone probably knows, you can see a bit of every message you receive on Facebook without clicking on the message.

 

Anyway, this is taking a lot longer to cut the umbilical cord than I would have thought. I think I have only replied her on 2 occasions since June (once to tell her I don't like texting, once to tell her I don't have time to get together) and she still contacts me every 5 days or so! Sometimes by text, sometimes by Facebook message, sometimes the same message on both.

 

I put her & her husband on my restricted list on Facebook, so they can't see anything I ever post on my own wall again. However, they can still see when I comment or like other people's things in their news feed. I thought her interest in me would wane but it's sure dying hard!

[alli]

I hadn't heard from my neighbor for a while until this weekend. She sent me another message trying to initiate a conversation. I have persisted this entire time and have not responded to any messages! Not even now!

 

Then today, I was returning to my house with my husband and saw that she and her kids were visiting the neighbor adjacent to us. My impulse was to drive past my house, but I didn't. I pulled into my garage and immediately shut the door before getting out the of the car. So then my husband and I are unloading our purchases when we hear the little boy RIGHT outside the garage. My husband froze. haha. We were both super quiet. I say "This is dumb, obviously they know we are in here". Unfortunately the garage isn't attached to the house. There was no way out. Finally I say "lets just go". So as we are walking out the side door of the garage, we see them all walking away from our yard to go back to the house they were visiting before they saw us arrive home.

 

For one thing, I feel silly for hiding from my neighbor on my own property!! But also, I think this is ridiculous! If someone hasn't returned your messages in months, why are you cornering them at their own house!

 

I said hello as they were walking away, because they could hear us open the door to exit the garage. She asked if I had tweezers. Uhhh.... no.

 

I just don't understand how someone would be sooo persistent in trying to maintain some sort of relationship with me!

[happpybear]

So as we are walking out the side door of the garage, we see them all walking away from our yard to go back to the house they were visiting before they saw us arrive home.

 

This sure is weird. I dunno what else you could possibly do. I think that she will likely never get it, and you don't want to be totally upfront about your feelings because you have to live beside them, if you offend her by freaking and telling her how you really feel she might get really offended and start up trouble. I think the only thing you can do is keep doing what you are doing, ignoring, not engaging. Treat her the way you said you want to, so just smile and wave, make polite but brief chit chat when you absolutely must but do not take personal calls or FB messages anymore.

 

Never confront her and tell her that you don't want anything to do with her. I have seen situations like this get ugly. Back when i lived with my parents there was this ongoing feud between some neighbors that got started up through similar circumstances, but the offended neighbors started causing trouble by vandalizing property and they eventually killed the neighbors dog...i'm not even joking...they purposely threw a chicken carcass in the backyard and the dog choked on the bones and later died...There are some crazy people out there, and you don't want to find out if this woman is one of them.

[alli]

Never confront her and tell her that you don't want anything to do with her. I have seen situations like this get ugly. Back when i lived with my parents there was this ongoing feud between some neighbors that got started up through similar circumstances, but the offended neighbors started causing trouble by vandalizing property and they eventually killed the neighbors dog...i'm not even joking...they purposely threw a chicken carcass in the backyard and the dog choked on the bones and later died...There are some crazy people out there, and you don't want to find out if this woman is one of them.

That is a good point. Sometimes I feel like I should just tell her. It seems so obvious why I wouldn't want to talk to her based on the things she has done, but I just think she is confused. It has crossed my mind to tell her if she asked. But you have a really good point. Feuds with neighbors can get ugly and I really don't want that. If I do ever see her face to face and she asks, I think I would say something more along the lines of that I'm very busy and don't have time to maintain friendships, and maybe something about not having a lot in common. Both are true anyway.