lisa725 Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 So I have been on a few dates with this guy. We get along great. We have progressed and have had sex. But I have come to find out that he is also dating another girl. She is in another state, and they see each other once a month. He told me about it and says the relationship is a wreck. But I feel that she should know about me. Should I contact her? and if so what do I say? Link to comment
Ironman3 Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 I personally feel you don't have the need to contact her. She has nothing to do with you. What you need to be sure about is what his intentions are. i would be careful of him if I were you. Link to comment
Edmund Exley Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 Its not your job to contact her. Its your job to say "Hey its me or her" and be ready to end it when he says "why not both?" Link to comment
lisa725 Posted August 12, 2013 Author Share Posted August 12, 2013 Thank you! It is hard in these situations of dating so I am trying not to push anything. I want him to pick me but of course I just have to go with the flow. Link to comment
Ironman3 Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 Thank you! It is hard in these situations of dating so I am trying not to push anything. I want him to pick me but of course I just have to go with the flow. There's actually no 'go with the flow' here. The flow is that he's two timing you with someone and I feel your escape bells should be ringing by now. Link to comment
zen2475 Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 You have only been on a few dates with this guy. That doesn't mean you get to wear the girlfriend crown just yet. You are in early days of dating and haven't even talked exclusivity yet. Personally, I think it's to his credit he has told you about the other girl so you know where you stand. You do not contact the other girl. It's not your place, and it comes off as psycho. All you can do now is decide if you want to date someone who is also seeing someone else. Link to comment
Edmund Exley Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 Thank you! It is hard in these situations of dating so I am trying not to push anything. I want him to pick me but of course I just have to go with the flow. Why do you want to be seen as an option? Link to comment
Cherry009 Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 why dont you ask for exclusivity, it sounds like that is what you want? then you will know where you stand depending on his answer. i agree with the others about not contacting the other girl. Link to comment
Ironman3 Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 You have only been on a few dates with this guy. That doesn't mean you get to wear the girlfriend crown just yet. You are in early days of dating and haven't even talked exclusivity yet. Personally, I think it's to his credit he has told you about the other girl so you know where you stand. You do not contact the other girl. It's not your place, and it comes off as psycho. All you can do now is decide if you want to date someone who is also seeing someone else. It's true that it has only been a few dates. But why would you date somebody who's already out with someone else. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 You didn't ask for exclusivity before getting intimate, so he doesn't really owe you anything. If he is in a relationship with her, then he was two-timing her with you. Link to comment
hodgeheg Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 I think it's perfectly normal for him to be dating more than one person if it has only been a few dates. If, however, he is meant to be in a relationship with the other girl then he is cheating on her with you. Either way it is not your responsibility to contact her. Link to comment
zen2475 Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 It's true that it has only been a few dates. But why would you date somebody who's already out with someone else. Because everyone is different and has different expectations. I personally would not expect exclusivity from the onset. It's a given that dating is just that...you are free to date who you want until an agreement for exclusivity is reached. If they are dating someone else, you are free to do the same. I think the OPs issue is that she slept with him and now has the expectation of exclusivity without any real discussion of it. Frankly, and not to be harsh, that's her expectation. Merely sleeping with someone does not make them exclusive to you. If that is what she expects, she needs to communicate that from the get go. Link to comment
sadchick83 Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 Do you really believe this guy, saying the "other" relationship is a "wreck?" Do you think he would ever actually describe the other girl as amazing. He is after all making the time to be with someone who is not local. He did tell you about the other woman, but it may just be a test to see if you are the type of girl who will put up with that type of arrangement. If you want to be exclusive simply tell him you have a standard and that standard is that if you are sleeping with someone you are exclusive with that person. I would not consider a relationship as "progressing" when really he is a guy simply sleeping with multiple women--feeding his ego no doubt. Now, we cannot blame him, since he is admitting to this arrangement, but you must remind yourself that you have control of your own standards. I suggest you voice them now and don't see him again if he does not conform to them. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 When you choose to be intimate with someone whom you barely know, there are always consequences, as you now know. It's definitely not your place to contact this other girl, as she is innocent and it's unlikely that she's aware of how he's making his rounds around the town. If you're looking for real relationship, he's not the one. Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 There's actually no 'go with the flow' here. The flow is that he's two timing you with someone and I feel your escape bells should be ringing by now. I agree. If you want to be dating him exclusively, if you're NOT OK with him dating you and someone else at the same time, then you need to tell him "I like you, but I'm not comfortable dating and being intimate with someone who's seeing someone else as well, so why don't you take some time to figure out what you want to do and call me if you decide you want to see me exclusively." And then leave it at that and let him make up his mind. In these situations, you have to ask yourself not "what will make my chances with this guy better?" but rather, "What do I want for myself?" This means that, if you're not comfortable with him dating (and presumably sleeping with) someone else -- even just once a month or so -- then you need to enforce a boundary for yourself: That you need to be dating someone who is able to focus just on you and not anyone else. It sounds like this guy isn't just "dating" this other girl but that he has some sort of relationship with her. I realize that people "multi-date" all the time, especially in the age of online dating, but...for some people, once sex comes into the picture, it's not as appealing to date several people at once. If you're one of those people, you need to tell him where you stand. Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 You didn't ask for exclusivity before getting intimate, so he doesn't really owe you anything. If he is in a relationship with her, then he was two-timing her with you. Exactly. It sounds to me as though, while he doesn't see this other girl all that often, he's already in some sort of relationship with her. Do you really want to date someone in that situation? Seems like a recipe for future heartbreak to me. And, I suspect he's downplaying his relationship with her. Just a hunch I have. I also suspect she has no idea that he's seeing you as well. Link to comment
sadchick83 Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 I agree. so why don't you take some time to figure out what you want to do and call me if you decide you want to see me exclusively." And then leave it at that and let him make up his mind. I wouldn't give him this much leverage. It would make the OP sound like a doormat. Give him time? Make up HIS mind? The OP has the choice to adhere to her own standards, let them be known then walk. Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 I wouldn't give him this much leverage. It would make the OP sound like a doormat. Give him time? Make up HIS mind? The OP has the choice to adhere to her own standards, let them be known then walk. Well, to be honest, the advice I gave above is NOT what I would do in this situation -- I'd cut him loose. If someone can't decide between me and someone else, I'll decide for him and disappear. I only suggest stuff like this when the poster doesn't seem ready and/or willing to cut the person loose, and the OP here, from her posts about him, sounds like she's going to give him a chance, regardless of what she might be advised to do. This is why I suggested telling him to figure out what he wants. This way, if she doesn't hear from him again, she knows he chose the other girl, and that's that. Plus, she's taking herself out of the equation entirely. I can see, though, that it might seem like giving him too much power. Link to comment
sadchick83 Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 Yes browneyed, Your next post sounded like the real you Don't know why, but it is like nails on a chalkboard when I hear of people letting the other person "decide" if they want to choose you or the other person they are sleeping with, and giving them time to do so.... And, I am guilty myself of allowing it in my earlier years. I guess as you get older, your bull$hit threshold at least hits your shoulders! Link to comment
lisa725 Posted August 12, 2013 Author Share Posted August 12, 2013 I have decided to go out on dates with other men. I actually already set up a date to distract me. I knew we were not exclusive but i just feel bad that we slept together. The way I see life is that what is suppose to happen will happen. If this is the beginning of a great relationship then so be it. I think it was great of him to be straight forward with me. We are acting like normal. Link to comment
j.man Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 As long as you're okay with the strong possibility that he'll shop around before cutting you loose were he to ever think things are going sour in your [potential] relationship with him in the future, I'd say just go with the flow. Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 Yes browneyed, Your next post sounded like the real you Don't know why, but it is like nails on a chalkboard when I hear of people letting the other person "decide" if they want to choose you or the other person they are sleeping with, and giving them time to do so.... And, I am guilty myself of allowing it in my earlier years. I guess as you get older, your bull$hit threshold at least hits your shoulders! Yep...I used to do it too, and then...I hit the b.s. threshold, probably when I hit 40. I have very definite boundaries now, ones I definitely didn't have ten years ago. Now, there's no way I would have put up with my last ex's "I-don't-know-what-I-want-I'm-confused-please-hang-around-while-I-decide" ridiculousness. Blech. I take any "iffy-ness" as a "NO" now, and it's totally liberating. NEXT! Link to comment
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