Am I heartless not to want to give money to my younger sister who's in trouble ?

[vanana]

My family are vultures and mostly alcoholic etc.. recently my sister( 18 ) and I( 23 ) we supposed to receive 15k that our grandad placed for us when were were young. I got mine but there is issues for my sister and she might not get hers.

She was so sure to get it so she partied instead of paying her bills. Now she wants me to give her a few hundreds to help her but she said she won't reimburse if she doesn't get the 15k.. Why would I then ? She said I'm egoistic not to want to give a few 100s out of my 15k to help my sister in need... But they all F*** me... I saved my dad from an abusive relationship and took him in with me for 6 months.. He owe me 1500$ that I won't see in a long time.. I was even buying him his alcohol... I felt forced.. Then my mom pulled a very nasty move on me.. I had co-signed a lease with her for an appartment and she moved out later because because it was getting expensive but she said everything was alright. A year later I get a call from a lawyer, I owed 2500$, my mom never told me she never paid the last months.. If I don't pay I'm going to court.. They frose my bank account too... I was forced to pay, my mom had no money and it was ruining my credit and stuff...

Disgusting move.. I'm young and starting my life, I never asked for this... Also my mom used to ask me for money a lot and never paid back in full before that thing.

 

My sister says she has nothing do do with the parents but herself has caused me enough problems. She used to steal my stuff when I was still living at my mom's (I left just before my 20 birthday). Cameras, video games consolles would disapear.. and the worst, I've been robed at 2 of my appartments and I'm sure it's her fault. The second time was really her fault. she had a party in my apartment while I was out of town.. I left my keys with my mom to go feed my cats and told her not to let my sister go at my place alone. She still let her. Lost thousands of dollard of stuff.. My tv, xbox, 30 games, psp, nintendo ds, Ipod.

 

Her boyfriend and her work. How can it be that bad ? She is saying she might be homeless because of me. pffffff

I'm the heartless ? I'm F**** Mother theresa!!!

[annie24]

Jeeezz. I have crazy family like this too. Well, she shouldn't have blown away money before she got it. That's a valuable life lesson she just learned. I wouldn't loan her any money unless you don't care about not seeing it again. She probably won't pay you back even if she gets the money.

[annie24]

Tell her you can't loan the money because you have to replace all the stuff that was stolen from your apt!!!!!!

[mhowe]

I would assume your sister can get hers if and when she cleans up her issues. Which is why grandpa put the rules on how to get it.

 

So --- let her earn grandpa's gift. And turn a deaf ear to your family. If you keep enabling them, they will keep coming at you. Why you thought it was safe to give your mother keys to your apt is beyond me.

[shellyf62]

Don't giver her the money, and stop trusting your family with your keys. You are only asking for trouble. Pay to have a pet minding service feed your cats in future.

You need to start distancing yourself from these people.

My Sister is the same, always wasting money, and when the bills come she puts up Facebook statuses about her situation. People fall for it & give her money all the time. I refuse.

Be strong & keep your money to yourself. As Mhowe said, there is a huge reason why your Sister cant have her money, and this is her issue not yours.

[EgoJoe]

Do not give her squat. You don't owe her anything. She counted eggs and saw chickens. Not you, fix your life because you only get one and not everybody has what it takes to manage money right.

[blueidealist24]

It does sound like your family screwed you over in terms of money. I wouldn't give your sister any of your money. Why can't she get hers, anyway?

[Kaytie]

I agree with the others. There is a reason your sister cannot get her money and that is why there are issues with her getting it. Do not enable her.

 

You need to distance yourself from these toxic people. You need to start putting yourself first and do not buy into any guilt trips your family lays on you. They made their beds...so they can deal with the consequences.

 

Focus on YOU. You have been far too patient and generous already.

[iamkaylee]

Are you wrong for not wanting to give her the money, no. They've all gotten enough from you already.

 

But, I'm of a different mind than everyone else so far. It's only a few hundred bucks and you can afford it. So, I would give it to her. I'd draw up a very simple "loan" repayment note specifying how mich you're giving her and when she has to pay it back. Make 2 copies and have her sign it. At the same time, I would make it VERY clear this was the last time, EVER. No more money, no more favors, no co-signing, nothing. Do not ask ever again, get your own life straight.

 

Then if she ever asks again, you can easily (and guilt free) say no because she's never paid you back from this time and you have it in writing. It's her life and her fault she's in the mess she is. It's not your responsibility to bail her out.

[agent1607307371]

It's hard not to help family when they need it. I ended up lending a family member some money when they got into trouble financially. She worked hard to pay it off, but she also learnt that if she needed money she could come and try to mooch off me (lol, nope).

 

Your sister sounds like she takes after your parents. A lesson in responsibility is necessary for her.

[RedDress]

For me it would depend on the reason why your sister might not get hers.

 

If it's something within her control or doing - too bad, so sad. I don't think you should give her a cent.

 

If it's something that is beyond her control... something your grandfather did differently but would not have known about (some legal thing)... then yes, I would give her a few hundred. Actually - I would probably give her more. (Give - not lend)

 

Regardless of how she has treated you, your grandfather's intent was for both of you to receive something. I would honor that intent - not for your sister - but for your grandfather. Those were his wishes.

 

BUT - it depends entirely on why she is potentially not getting her money.

[nutbrownhare]

Giving her any money will only serve to reinforce her lack of responsibility and attitude that 'it' is owing to her. She alone is responsible for her financial situation, and it will be a valuable lesson learned if she sorts out her own messes. There's a difference between helping and enabling; helping is when you do something for someone that they can't do for themselves. Enabling is when you do something for another person that they can, and should, be doing for themselves. Alcoholic families typically have very fuzzy boundaries and you need to put them in for yourself.

 

In the scenario you describe, the most helpful thing you can do is allow your sister to face the consequences of her own actions without attempting to rescue her. You don't have to create a contract with her so that you needn't feel guilty in the future - if you'd been spending her money thoughtlessly, then yes, you should feel guilty. But you haven't.

 

As others have said, you need to detach and distance yourself from these people - to protect your own sanity.

[itsallgrand]

There is a difference between being uncaring and not allowing oneself to be taken advantage of.

 

You care, and you also are tired of being taken advantage of.

 

Good for you!

 

You should not feel bad at all to say "NO". And no explanation needed.

 

She seems to think you owe her something. You don't.

 

If she ever down the line sincerely asks for help (advice, tips, encouragement) and shows the hard work and right intent that is going to get her somewhere, then would be the time to consider giving. And even then, not necessarily money.

 

For now, all you can do is pull away from this toxicity, learn not to internalize their guilt trips, and surround yourself with like minded people such as yourself.

 

I hope you'll put that money away for something that will help you with building your new life.

[vanana]

She had her meeting at the bank first and they were to give her the money but she didnt have her identity card.. She had been procrastinating on that forever and after that she rushed to have everything ready. I lended her 75$ and went with her to the office. I had my meeting the next week and got mine. She was so sure she was to have her money when she had he second meeting but they told her the rules changed since, and that they made a mistake by giving it to me last time without talking to the supervisor but its too late, its given. She is extremely mad and I understand but it's not my fault. Now they want to be in contact with my grandad but he is in prison. He got arrested a few months ago for child abuse related stuff in south america.. years and years of videos.. abuse.. disgusting... So that money coming from him ... I don't feel like I have to honor his wish like one of you posted. He is a disgusting human being. I'm using most of it to pay my school loan. I don't plan on seeing him ever.

 

I agree I have been enabling my family. What I told happened in the course of 3 years and I'm surprised I still talk to them. Even if we are not close and they are toxic it's hard to ignore them but I am so fed up that I stood my ground. Calling me names and deleting me from facebook because I won't give in is pathetic

[annie24]

Wow. I sounds like you have done remarkably well for yourself based on what you grew up in. Big hugs. Take your money and get out of there. I'm glad you turned out normal.