When sadness turns to anger and bitterness...

[Batya33]

Again, going back to the example of therapy; I don't think therapy is "bad", I don't think there's anything wrong with people that go to therapy, but I can't see the benefit of it to me. "Liking myself" and thinking I'm "good enough" is not the issue, so I don't comprehend what benefit therapy could have for me.

 

 

Because therapy deals with many many issues other than the ones you wrote above.

[itsallgrand]

Doing some more pondering, I've been thinking, what could a therapist do for me, anyway? "Teach me how to like myself"? Pft. I don't think that's the problem. No, actually, I'm pretty sure I'm the only person that does actually like me and think I'm worth anything.

 

I don't hate myself, rather, I'm starting more and more to hate the world around me. I'm sick of "not being good enough", especially in comparison to guys I know I'm better/ more qualified than.

 

When it comes to girls, even the ones that are smart, mature, and down to earth (aka the ones I actually have anything in common with) are more attracted to idiots and jerks. And that's frustrating. If that's the way the world works (and that's how it's always been in my experience), there's just nothing out there for a guy like me, and that just infuriates me.

 

So where does this leave you? What are you willing to try?

 

At this point, if you want to change something, you have to change something. Just try a whole bunch of things even.

 

Are you resistant also to picking up the book I suggested? Get it second hand, we are talking a five dollar investment. And then the time to read it and maybe research it for yourself. And do the exercises he suggested.

 

I think you should be taking action and making commitments. Pick something, anything, which has the potential to change your thoughts/attitudes/perceptions and commit to following it through. Pick several. Just keep plugging away. Be an animal and don't give up. Fight for it if it's what you want. Put the stubbornness to some good use.

 

What I get out of your posts is a hopelessness and apathy. It's a friggin' miserable way to live for you, whether you are alone or not.

 

Some people are happy and they have less than you. So how can that be?

 

About women: you are 24. You think what you have experienced with women is going to be true for all your experiences for the rest of your life? Unless you keep going for early twenty somethings, it's not. You'll change and the women you are looking to date will change.

 

Which brings me to...why would you even be miffed if a girl who is after a frat boy isn't into you? How great can she be for you really if that is what she is after? Exactly!

 

So even smart girls can like douches...it's true. Just like even smart men can like idiots and hot messes. It's true. YOu need to incorporate this into your reality and learn to realize it doesn't mean things are hopeless. That it doesn't mean there isn't someone out there who will be comptible with you. Several, actually.

[MattW]

"No, of course not. If I had people in my life that I cared about in any way, I'd want to be supportive and be there for them in any way I could. But what does that have to do with anything?"

 

Then why don't you deserve the same treatment from yourself? That's what I mean about not acting in your own best interests.

 

I don't really have an answer to that question. I don't really know how to "be there" for myself like you would for another person.

 

Because therapy deals with many many issues other than the ones you wrote above.

 

Such as? What else applies here?

 

So where does this leave you? What are you willing to try?

 

Good question. It's hard to say. The "stubborn" side of me is pretty resistant to most things. I guess what I really need to do first is figure out how to combat that "stubbornness". Not really sure how to do that.

 

Are you resistant also to picking up the book I suggested? Get it second hand, we are talking a five dollar investment. And then the time to read it and maybe research it for yourself. And do the exercises he suggested.

 

I'm not particularly against it, I'm more "indifferent" because I've picked up other books people have recommended in the past, and I didn't feel I got much out of them. I haven't written it off, but my attitude is basically "Eh, another book to read that probably won't give help me much in the long run".

 

About women: you are 24. You think what you have experienced with women is going to be true for all your experiences for the rest of your life? Unless you keep going for early twenty somethings, it's not. You'll change and the women you are looking to date will change.

 

Perhaps, but I don't want to have to wait for the women around me to "change". I don't want to have to wait to start dating until I'm in my 30s or 40s. Even if it didn't last, I was hoping I'd get to experience "young love" at least once during my 20s. But they're half over, and I don't see anything happening in the next five years, so that's out the window at this point. It's frustrating to find a girl who's actually pretty smart, mature, down to earth, has a lot in common with me, and actually seems different than every other girl I meet, but then she passes me over in favor of guys that are the stereotypical "cool guy".

 

Which brings me to...why would you even be miffed if a girl who is after a frat boy isn't into you? How great can she be for you really if that is what she is after? Exactly!

 

So even smart girls can like douches...it's true. Just like even smart men can like idiots and hot messes. It's true. YOu need to incorporate this into your reality and learn to realize it doesn't mean things are hopeless. That it doesn't mean there isn't someone out there who will be comptible with you. Several, actually.

 

I'm "miffed" because she was exactly what I've wanted in a person. Imagine you had a realistic "dream girl" in your head, but just never found her for years, then all of a sudden, there she is. I never find a girl I even have a little in common with, or hit it off with even a little bit, but with this girl, it was like that magic moment in movies or TV shows, the one you never think is actually real, she and I just clicked in a way I never thought possible. There was so much potential there, and I don't have a doubt in my mind that we would've been great together. She was different from all the other girls I've met, she stood out to me in a way that no girl has ever really stood out to me. So it hurts to know that I wasn't "attractive" enough for her because I'm not like every other cocky "cool guy" out there.

 

You say there are girls out there I'll be compatible with, but where are they? I've been looking for years, now, and I haven't found a single one. I'm sick of coming up empty-handed and having to keep my fingers crossed that maybe, just maybe, I'll meet a girl "some day" that I'll have a mutual attraction with.

[Slimpee]

Welcome back, Matt. I wish you were posting again under better circumstances, however.

 

Man, you need an attitude adjustment. You say you like yourself and know you deserve better and while both of those may be true, your attitude doesn't back that up. You seem to want to blame the world for your troubles w/ socializing and women. It's like you're sitting there thinking that you deserve something without having to change anything yourself and then point your finger at all of the factors over which you have no control (the world, your height, etc.). I hate to say this but it sounds like you need to grow up a bit and think about what you can do to improve your situation.

 

Going to therapy is a great start. Trying to join clubs or classes in which you have an interest would be a great start (haven't you said you're interested in music). I know for some of us it's much easier to make friends while its harder for others, but that's no excuse if you truly want to do it.

 

Instead, you seem to want to martyr yourself because lets face it, it's much easier to feel sorry for ourselves than actually change.

 

Even if something like going to therapy doesn't "work" within the first few weeks, stick it out. Even if you join a few groups or a few classes and don't meet friends during the first month, stick with it for a little while longer. I say this for two reasons: 1. Friendships and socializing can take some time to form. 2. Say you give a few things a good shot and it still doesn't work. At least you'll have tried and can use what did and didn't work in the future to achieve better results.

 

What i'd like to see from you is a list of things you can do over the next few weeks be it look for counseling options in your community (if you're in school, they often have free resources as do churches) and/or socializing options for you. Report back to us here or me personally and with each week you will see some progress (even if it doesn't happen as quickly as you'd like). Just. Do. Something.

 

As for women, my hunch is that you perhaps have some emotional/social issues that you should work out first but I will say this: I have a friend who is short (5'1" maybe), not in stunning physical shape, not traditionally handsome, and is pretty obnoxious. Basically, he has quite the Napoleon Complex. But he's also smart, hard-working, and ambitious. He doesn't sit around and make excuses, he goes out and works hard. He saw and went after a women who is quite attractive, highly intelligent, taller than him, etc. He ended up landing her and they've since moved in together. Point is, EVERY guy can achieve his goals...you just have to work hard to reach them.

 

Good luck!

[MattW]

@ Slimpee

 

Well, at the moment, I've recently enrolled in a new learning facility in which I'll be getting a formal education (as well as internship opportunities) in a field that I'm very interested in working in. The first week of classes was enjoyable, and I'm actually feeling interested in getting an education for the first time in, like, ever. There are some okay people in my class, though it's too early to tell right now if I'll develop proper friendships with any of them.

 

Honestly, that's really about the only thing keeping me going right now. If I didn't have that, I'd be completely miserable.

[Slimpee]

@ Slimpee

 

Well, at the moment, I've recently enrolled in a new learning facility in which I'll be getting a formal education (as well as internship opportunities) in a field that I'm very interested in working in. The first week of classes was enjoyable, and I'm actually feeling interested in getting an education for the first time in, like, ever. There are some okay people in my class, though it's too early to tell right now if I'll develop proper friendships with any of them.

 

Honestly, that's really about the only thing keeping me going right now. If I didn't have that, I'd be completely miserable.

 

That's great to hear! Don't worry about trying too hard...just enjoy classes. Having the classes and common interest gives you a great common ground to use to get to know people. Maybe study together?

[Batya33]

"I'm "miffed" because she was exactly what I've wanted in a person. Imagine you had a realistic "dream girl" in your head, but just never found her for years, then all of a sudden, there she is. I never find a girl I even have a little in common with, or hit it off with even a little bit, but with this girl, it was like that magic moment in movies or TV shows, the one you never think is actually real, she and I just clicked in a way I never thought possible. There was so much potential there, and I don't have a doubt in my mind that we would've been great together. She was different from all the other girls I've met, she stood out to me in a way that no girl has ever really stood out to me. So it hurts to know that I wasn't "attractive" enough for her because I'm not like every other cocky "cool guy" out there."

 

but those are not realistic expectations especially about a person you were never in a relationship with, much less dating. You have no idea if she would have been a good match in a relationship and you're simply using that one example as an excuse to be angry and bitter instead of getting back out there. Just because she wanted to date someone else doesn't mean it has anything to do with you, let alone that she thinks you are inferior to the other guy. Perhaps he was simply a better match. But please don't indulge in the whole "I met the one person I really liked and she rejected me" as an excuse not to get right back out there.

 

I'm glad you're taking classes.

 

I don't need to tell you what other issues therapy can deal with - you can do your own research. Just imagine what you could accomplish if you started channeling all that negative energy into positive pursuits. Also I'd make sure you get at least 30 minutes of cardio in a day -whether it's fast walking/running, whatever gets the heart rate up to the right level for those 30 minutes -it will do wonders for your attitude and perspective. (I have 31 years of personal experience with that and I know it to be true based on science).

[MattW]

I mean, the thing about being hung up on that girl is that, before, I couldn't really imagine myself with someone. I wanted to be with someone, obviously, but any time I'd meet a new girl, I just couldn't picture myself with them. With this last girl, I could really see it, I had a realistic idea of what our relationship would've been like, and for the first time, I could imagine myself with someone real.

 

Now, I just can't imagine it anymore, I can't picture it, I just don't see it anymore.

 

Clearly, I must be "inferior" to her than the guys she's dated, otherwise she would've dated me. Heck, even now, she's much closer to an ex-boyfriend than she is to me. She's someone I respect so much and think so highly of, she's smart and mature like I am, she's got a good head on her shoulders, yet I'm not attractive enough to her compared to guys that just don't make any sense to me. It's hard not to let that get to you, yanno?

[Batya33]

But, for example, I was dating someone else, casually but potentially serious, when I reconnected with my husband. I never thought to compare them in the way you refer to - but I did know my husband was a better match for me. I am still in touch with the other guy (just on social media though) and think very highly of him -I've set him up with friends of mine.

 

It's hard not to let lots of things get to you- no one ever disagreed with that. Dating is really hard. I did it for many many more years than you have but I refused to give up for more than very short periods of time. You can choose whether to let something get to you. If you choose to let something get to you then typically you're hampering your enjoyment of life. At 24 you probably don't have the same mortality perspective as I do at almost 47 - I didn't when I was 24 -but it's never too early to start putting as much effort as possible into getting the most out of every moment (or every day). Your negativity is sucking the life out of you and I'm sure it affects how others see you even if you do the fake smile thing (I will add that a fake smile is a great idea if your goal is to be a more positive person -often faking it helps you make it there).

[MattW]

But, for example, I was dating someone else, casually but potentially serious, when I reconnected with my husband. I never thought to compare them in the way you refer to - but I did know my husband was a better match for me.

 

I guess. But you at least dated them to know that. Maybe the other guy wasn't as good a "match" for you, for whatever reason, but they both got to at least date you and see where things ended up.

 

I, on the other hand, can't even get a date. I don't even get the opportunity to "see where things go" with a girl because when I hit it off with someone, they don't want to give me that first date, that first chance. If you total up all the girls I've tried to contact on dating sites over the years, as well as the small handful of girls I've met in person that I liked enough to ask out, I'd say my number has to be pretty high by now. Possibly not far from 100. And between all those girls over all these years, not one has even given me the chance for one single date.

 

I just don't really know what to think of that. I don't know how to feel anything but bad about that fact. If this girl and I had dated a little and it didn't work out for one reason or another, that's fine. But that fact that I wasn't even "good enough" for a chance at one single date, whereas, these other two dopes were, that just bothers me on a very personal level.

 

Dating is really hard. I did it for many many more years than you have but I refused to give up for more than very short periods of time. You can choose whether to let something get to you. If you choose to let something get to you then typically you're hampering your enjoyment of life.

 

Well what concerns me further is that my personal experiences have sort of skewed my perception of reality. My ideal perception of dating, relationships, marriage, etc. was always finding someone you hit it off with, someone you really enjoy being with, and share your lives with each other. But based on what I've experienced, I feel like that's not realistic for me. I feel like dating, for a guy like me, is about taking whatever I can get, and settling with the person I can tolerate the most. In other words, I don't end up with someone that's basically my "best friend", I end up with someone where the relationship is as "functional" as possible, we're not really "friends", we just get things done and get the bills paid, and that's it.

 

And that's such a dreary dull depressing view of a relationship. That's not what I want at all. But clearly, I have no room to be picky. There's no "dating pool" for me. I don't get to hold out for someone I really like and have things in common with.

 

Whether or not that's the "truth" or not, I don't know. I'm simply saying that this is how the last few years have skewed my perspective. For a moment, last year, when things were going so amazingly well with that last girl, I really thought things could be different, that I COULD have the type of relationship that I wanted, but I just can't see it anymore. I don't see myself ending up in a relationship with someone I actually enjoy being with, someone I could really consider a "best friend".

 

Your negativity is sucking the life out of you and I'm sure it affects how others see you even if you do the fake smile thing (I will add that a fake smile is a great idea if your goal is to be a more positive person -often faking it helps you make it there).

 

I've been trying the whole "fake it til you make it" thing for years now, and I still haven't "made it". By now, I can't help but wonder what the point of "faking it" is anymore. I'm not "happy", I'm becoming more and more "grumpy", and I just don't believe the things I wanted in life are possible for me.

[MattW]

"I guess. But you at least dated them to know that. Maybe the other guy wasn't as good a "match" for you, for whatever reason, but they both got to at least date you and see where things ended up.

 

I, on the other hand, can't even get a date. I don't even get the opportunity to "see where things go" with a girl because when I hit it off with someone, they don't want to give me that first date, that first chance. If you total up all the girls I've tried to contact on dating sites over the years, as well as the small handful of girls I've met in person that I liked enough to ask out, I'd say my number has to be pretty high by now. Possibly not far from 100. And between all those girls over all these years, not one has even given me the chance for one single date.

 

I just don't really know what to think of that. I don't know how to feel anything but bad about that fact. If this girl and I had dated a little and it didn't work out for one reason or another, that's fine. But that fact that I wasn't even "good enough" for a chance at one single date, whereas, these other two dopes were, that just bothers me on a very personal level."

 

Also, to add a little more to this, people seem to not even see me in any kind of "romantic" way. People don't tend to "flirt" with me, they don't really talk to me like I'm a "guy" that is "datable", people tend to be hush-hush about topics like dating and sex around me as if I'm some kind of child that "wouldn't understand". It frustrates me that people don't really seem to see me as a "man". People seem to categorize me more as a "little boy", and I don't really know why. I'm not immature, I'm not uneducated, etc. I may be a bit inexperienced and perhaps "naive", but I hate the way the world sort of categorizes me as a child.

[Batya33]

And your negative spin on all this stuff is exactly how you're getting in your own way. Obviously luck, timing, desirability, personality, character all play a role in success in dating but I think the primary reason you're having trouble meeting people you have things in common with is because of your negativity and bitterness. As many people have written it's a huge turn off. And as many people have written you have the opportunity to change this. But changing is harder than staying in the negative comfort zone. Much harder. Are you up for the challenge?

 

(And I've had to practice what I preach in recent weeks - and I find that keeping a peaceful or happy (or both) outlook and demeanor really does make a difference in how others -especially close "others" experience both me and our shared environment. Try it some time. I mean ,really try it don't just say so.

[Blue Spiral]

And your negative spin on all this stuff is exactly how you're getting in your own way.

 

I think you're wrong, but let's say that you're right. Women are rejecting him because he's negative. But...wouldn't it take a while for the negativity to kick in? Almost a hundred women have rejected him. Surely he was still pretty positive during the first ten rejections. Why did they reject him, since the pattern hadn't set in yet?

 

OP, you've done something amazing (asking out almost a hundred women despite not getting a single "yes"). Don't let someone who's never had to ask anyone out tell you not to be negative.

[itsallgrand]

But you aren't inferior.

 

Not even if every woman in the world thought it.

 

This little gem is true, and when you really know it and internalize it, life really changes.

 

No matter what the hell happens out there - you decide if you are inferior or not. And once you start believing things that are along the lines of "I am inferior" "I am defective in some way" "I suck.." whatever....you defeat yourself.

 

What happens out there is really secondary to your life with yourself.

 

Not trying to sound like a cheeseball. this stuff is really true.

[allcity]

I haven't read the whole thread so this may have been said already, but OP don't ever believe that "only guys that are "hot" and/or "charismatic" get to find a girl they really want to be with". That's not true at all!

 

I just started a new job and the team of guys I manage are all computer engineers. They're all nice enough people but they're also walking stereotypes of all of the worst things people think about computer guys.

 

They're all overweight, odd looking (sorry), barely socially functional, have hygiene issues, struggle to interact with other people in a normal way, and are into all kinds of childish hobbies. And you know what?

 

They're all happily married and have a good group of close friends!

 

I've found that in a lot of instances, success in forming friendships and meeting Mr/Miss Right is 99% luck. And some people just seem to strike out far more than others do, often for no good reason that anyone can see.

 

Heck, I've been called gorgeous, charismatic and even 'the perfect man' many times and yet I've been single and haven't had a date for ages!

 

And my last two exes are beautiful, successful, fun, outgoing and two of the kindest, most lovely women you could meet and yet they've also been single for a very long time.

 

I'm sorry you're in bad place but don't make the mistake of believing that you can't have the life you want, because it's rarely true.

 

Most guys in the world are a long way from being hot or charismatic and a lot of them are doing just fine. Which means that you have just as much chance to find your own happiness too.

 

Getting bitter and angry will get you nowhere other than making you considerably less attractive, plus unhappy. Man up and keep your head high, or else you're just increasing your own chance of failing.

 

Regardless of your situation you can choose to be positive and happy, or negative and miserable. Take a guess which will make your life better in every way!

 

I know it's tough, though. Good luck.

[allcity]

And I forgot to add, I know one guy that's nearly forty and had never had a date in his life. And two years ago he met one of the most gorgeous, amazing women I've ever met and they've been happily together ever since.

 

He'd long given up on ever meeting anyone and now he's the envy of a lot of his miserably married-for-years friends Life's got a funny way of surprising you when you least expect it.

[Slimpee]

 

OP, you've done something amazing (asking out almost a hundred women despite not getting a single "yes").

You know, Blue, I disagree with you on much of what you say but you really hit the nail on the head here. Asking women out after failures is certainly worth commendation. Many, many guys don't risk it (myself included).

 

Don't let someone who's never had to ask anyone out tell you not to be negative.

 

But then you come back with this. Being negative simply won't help anything. It's not attractive. It's allows emotional scar tissue to build up. It exacerbates the problem. Being realistic is one thing. Being disappointed but soldiering on anyway is one thing. But being negative is just toxic.

[Blue Spiral]

You know, Blue, I disagree with you on much of what you say but you really hit the nail on the head here. Asking women out after failures is certainly worth commendation. Many, many guys don't risk it (myself included).

 

Indeed. The OP is a braver man than I; I'd have given up after the first ten attempts. Granted, I never bothered trying it in the first place, as I never saw the point.

 

But then you come back with this. Being negative simply won't help anything. It's not attractive. It's allows emotional scar tissue to build up. It exacerbates the problem. Being realistic is one thing. Being disappointed but soldiering on anyway is one thing. But being negative is just toxic.

 

I don't think anyone should be negative full-time--I'm only negative when I come on ENA, for the most part. I generally ignore these issues, and I almost never discuss them with women (no point in talking about dating with someone you aren't dating, heh). But one should be allowed to be negative from time to time, especially in a situation like this one, and one shouldn't be guilt-tripped for doing it.

 

Also, I think that honesty is much more important than "being attractive". Men and women alike are told to repress/not do certain things, as they're "not attractive", and I think it's garbage. I'd rather be true to myself.

[MattW]

Well, I mean, to be fair, roughly 95% of the girls I've tried to meet up with were girls I had contacted online via dating sites. Perhaps that negates the "impressive" factor a bit.

 

The only success I have is this girl I've been "online penpals" with for a while now. She lives a very... sexually adventurous life, let's say. And last year, she (being aware of my dating woes) said that if I ever felt like making the trip, she'd be more than happy to spend a fun sex-filled weekend with me. I imagine at some point, I'll take her up on that offer, as that does sound like a fun way to spend a weekend, but I just don't have the means to travel right now, nor do I anticipate I will any time soon.

 

Oh, and also, recently, I had an older woman online who was also up for the idea of just hooking up with me for some sex, and I was down for that, but she ended up chickening out and blowing me off at the last minute, so...

 

Not that I'm looking for something that "casual", of course, but I figured if I got that kind of offer, might as well give it a shot, and have some fun, yanno? Obviously, I'd much rather have a "proper" relationship.

 

I haven't read the whole thread so this may have been said already, but OP don't ever believe that "only guys that are "hot" and/or "charismatic" get to find a girl they really want to be with". That's not true at all!

 

I just started a new job and the team of guys I manage are all computer engineers. They're all nice enough people but they're also walking stereotypes of all of the worst things people think about computer guys.

 

They're all overweight, odd looking (sorry), barely socially functional, have hygiene issues, struggle to interact with other people in a normal way, and are into all kinds of childish hobbies. And you know what?

 

They're all happily married and have a good group of close friends!

 

Not to be cynical, but do you know for sure, though, that they're with people they really like being with, and that they didn't just settle for what was available to them?

 

Most guys in the world are a long way from being hot or charismatic and a lot of them are doing just fine. Which means that you have just as much chance to find your own happiness too.

 

He'd long given up on ever meeting anyone and now he's the envy of a lot of his miserably married-for-years friends Life's got a funny way of surprising you when you least expect it.

 

Yeah, but truth be told, I'm probably one of the unluckiest people I know. Nothing good has ever happened surprisingly for me. Kinda hard to believe in the idea of "serendipity" when you've spent the last 24+ years being "unlucky", yanno?

[Batya33]

"Yeah, but truth be told, I'm probably one of the unluckiest people I know. Nothing good has ever happened surprisingly for me. Kinda hard to believe in the idea of "serendipity" when you've spent the last 24+ years being "unlucky", yanno?"

 

I am sure that's not true but I'm sure in your perspective it is true. And that's the problem. For one thing, even though I don't want to get into a foolish debate about your perspective, obviously when it comes to dating you haven't been interested in dating for 24 years. I on the other hand was in the dating scene on and off for 24 years. My ability to (finally!) find a good match had little if anything to do with luck or "something good happening to me" in that passive sense. Sure, luck and timing play a role, sometimes close to minor and sometimes more major -it's different for everyone.

 

If you choose a casual sex encounter with a stranger, or even a near stranger then that will be entirely inconsistent with your claimed desire to have a healthy relationship and on a practical level it might significantly decrease your chances because of physical health consequences from risky encounters like that (let alone that you might become a daddy before you're ready or interested).

[allcity]

Not to be cynical, but do you know for sure, though, that they're with people they really like being with, and that they didn't just settle for what was available to them?

 

No, I don't know them well enough yet to know that for sure.

 

I think that the majority of what makes any relationship work, though, is the effort each person puts in, so we all have every chance of forming a happy and healthy relationship.

 

The luck factor comes in just meeting a single person with common beliefs and mutual physical attraction at the right time in our lives. And that seems to happen for some people more than others.

 

I know plenty of awesome people that have made loads of effort to meet someone and still haven't found anyone. And I know just as many people that have very little to offer and yet have always randomly met someone at just the right time when they were single.

 

With that said, though, you can improve your own chances too, if that's the way you want to go. Any man or woman can work on their flirting skills, get themselves looking their best and start having more success.

 

Creating attraction's pretty simple really. Some people just seem to have missed out on learning how along the way, for one reason or another. It's never too late, though. Just try to avoid the bitterness and anger route. It's totally self-defeating in every possible way.

 

We've all been at rock bottom. What separates the success stories from the failures is down to who gets back up and tries harder next time. It's stupid to waste time getting angry and resenting everyone that you think 'succeeded'. Instead it's way better to realise that all of those people might have failed a million times too but they maybe just kept on trying until they made it.

[Slimpee]

 

We've all been at rock bottom. What separates the success stories from the failures is down to who gets back up and tries harder next time. It's stupid to waste time getting angry and resenting everyone that you think 'succeeded'. Instead it's way better to realise that all of those people might have failed a million times too but they maybe just kept on trying until they made it.

 

This is simply fantastic. Take this to heart, everyone!

[MattW]

Also, I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to "jinx it", but I almost got a date with a girl I met online. She actually contacted me first, and we were getting along okay. She said she thought I was cute, and we wrote back and forth a little, then she brought up meeting up. She was writing me back like almost immediately after I would write to her, and she seemed a bit more interested in me than I was in her, but I figured it couldn't hurt to give it a shot. I told her to give me a day or two to see when I'm free on the weekend, then after I figured out my schedule, I wrote to her to see if she wanted to get together on a specific day, and I just never heard back from her. Kinda weird, but whatever.

 

The luck factor comes in just meeting a single person with common beliefs and mutual physical attraction at the right time in our lives. And that seems to happen for some people more than others.

 

Yeah, well... I dunno, I'm just tired of waiting, I guess. I don't necessarily subscribe to the "one person for everyone" belief, and going by that, I find it hard to believe that I haven't met any girls I'm compatible with that are also attracted to me, in the time I've been in the typical dating age range. Heck, by the age of 24, most people have had at least one "relationship". Just doesn't inspire too much confidence to think that I'm 24 and have never even been able to get a date.

 

Creating attraction's pretty simple really. Some people just seem to have missed out on learning how along the way, for one reason or another. It's never too late, though. Just try to avoid the bitterness and anger route. It's totally self-defeating in every possible way.

 

Huh. Well, that's definitely a concept that's been lost on me. Doesn't even seem like there's a way to tell if you're doing it right. Heck, with the last girl I was into, I felt like I was doing everything right in "building attraction", and I was shocked (and even weirded out) because it felt like it was working, it felt like she was into me, but clearly I was wrong when I asked her out and she turned me down then pulled away from me.

 

So, I dunno. When I find someone I like (which again, isn't often), I like to be a bit catty with them. I want to find someone I can really "play" with, and someone who'll "play" with me, too. (By the way, when I say "play", I'm not using that in any kind of perverted connotation, I'm just referring with the way we joke, tease each other, and "flirt") So, if I find someone I like, I try to develop that with them. Most people don't "play" back with me the way I'd like them to, and thus, I don't pursue them romantically, because the chemistry just doesn't feel right.

 

We've all been at rock bottom. What separates the success stories from the failures is down to who gets back up and tries harder next time. It's stupid to waste time getting angry and resenting everyone that you think 'succeeded'. Instead it's way better to realise that all of those people might have failed a million times too but they maybe just kept on trying until they made it.

 

I suppose. It just gets frustrating, and it's easy to get to a point where the frustration gets to you and wears you down. That's how I've been feeling for a while now, "worn down". Like I said, I've put in a solid amount of work in the online dating world, and I've pursued the small handful of girls I've liked offline, and among all of them, it's never amounted to a single date. I just don't have the energy to keep convincing myself that maybe, just maybe, in another 10-20 years, I'll finally find the girl I've been waiting for. Having to wait that long just isn't very fun at all.

 

If you choose a casual sex encounter with a stranger, or even a near stranger then that will be entirely inconsistent with your claimed desire to have a healthy relationship and on a practical level it might significantly decrease your chances because of physical health consequences from risky encounters like that (let alone that you might become a daddy before you're ready or interested).

 

Maybe, but if I had the opportunity, and I trusted the person enough, I don't really see the problem with indulging in a little fun. Like I said, I'm not exactly going out looking for this kind of thing, but everybody else has their "fun", so why shouldn't I? Chances are, if I ever find someone I really like and we have a proper relationship, that will probably be the only relationship I ever have for the remainder of my life, so if I can find an opportunity to have some "fun" before I find that, why shouldn't I indulge a little?

[Batya33]

"Maybe, but if I had the opportunity, and I trusted the person enough, I don't really see the problem with indulging in a little fun. Like I said, I'm not exactly going out looking for this kind of thing, but everybody else has their "fun", so why shouldn't I? Chances are, if I ever find someone I really like and we have a proper relationship, that will probably be the only relationship I ever have for the remainder of my life, so if I can find an opportunity to have some "fun" before I find that, why shouldn't I indulge a little?"

 

Not everybody else. I never found casual sex or the opportunity to have casual sex fun in the least (maybe when I was a teenager and didn't know better -it sounded like fun but I never took that risk -wasn't worth it) and I know many people like me.

 

I think you have to lose all the "everyone else _____" - it's not true and it gives you too much of an excuse to do the pity party thing.

[allcity]

The main thing to remember (or to realise, if you haven't so far) is that when someone isn't attracted to you, nine times of ten it's because of something that you're doing wrong.

 

Sure sometimes you'll meet someone that you just don't click with on any level, regardless of how great you look that day or how charming you are being. But mostly you will have a chance with every person you meet.

 

Even if they're not immediately attracted to your look, as long as you're interesting to talk to, friendly, charming, fun and good at flirting, most women will give you a chance.

 

That's one of the greatest things about women is that many of them are far more open to dating someone that doesn't fit their preferred 'look' but has a very attractive personality than us guys are.

 

You can either look at that as a bummer, since you're still striking out despite having a clear advantage, or you can look at it as a great thing, since you have every chance of meeting someone if you work on yourself.

 

Doesn't even seem like there's a way to tell if you're doing it right.

 

And as for this, the easiest way is just to get better at reading the subtle emotions in a person's face, as everything you need to know about how well you're doing is right there in her eyes as she looks at you.

 

Some people say that body language is the best indicator of attraction but that's not true, as some people can get very 'closed off' physically around people they like, while others can be very 'open' to people they don't like.

 

As long as you are adept at just looking into her eyes and seeing how she really feels, though, then you need never get shot down again. That sparkle in the eyes is unmistakable and is the only true way to 'know'.

 

With that said, though, another thing about women is they can go from liking you to not liking you in a heartbeat, so that look can be there one minute and gone the next.

 

That's all part of the fun of dating, as you've both got to stay on your toes if you don't want to mess things up with the person you like