When sadness turns to anger and bitterness...

[MattW]

@ allcity

 

I dunno. To me, there just doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. Like I've said before, I feel like everything with the last girl I liked when as good as it could possibly go, I was at my best, and I was positive she was interested (which is strange because I've NEVER once felt like a girl was interested in me that way), and yet, still nothing.

 

So I just don't get it. I really don't. I can't really think of any good reason I shouldn't have gotten that date. The chemistry between me and her was amazing, and before I had asked her out, she was showing a more active interest in me than I was to her. I don't get what "went wrong", and it's frustrating not knowing what it was, because I literally have no idea what to do differently next time.

 

Honestly, none of it really makes any sense to me. Even at my best, even when I'm showing my personality and trying to be charming and "warm" and whatnot, there's still "something" that makes me unattractive, and I don't know what that is.

[Batya33]

Negativity and bitterness can be quite unattractive. Positivity (from within -genuinely positive) is generally attractive in both platonic and romantic ways. The main reason I declined to see men again after a first meet or a first date was their negative attitude -sometimes it was right in my face and sometimes it was just energy/vibe I got. It didn't matter if they had a cute face or were polite/pleasant. Next.

[Ms Darcy]

I love how people keep getting fooled. Matt is not looking for advice to improve his situation. He's looking for an ear and attention. Nothing wrong with wanting support.

 

But you will talk yourself blue in the face trying to give advice.

 

BTW, (cliffs notes) it all boils down to the girl who rejected him.

[allcity]

@ MattW

That's the thing with dating. Often we never find out why we struck out. That's why it can be helpful to have people around you that can provide an outside eye. Do you have any female friends that have given you any advice?

 

@ Ms Darcy

In my experience an ear and attention are exactly what people in this situation don't need. Encouragement and suggestions are far more productive and helpful.

 

And Matt's clearly old enough to let us know if advice isn't what he wants. It seems to me that he absolutely does want suggestions and help in understanding his situation. Tell me if I'm wrong, though, Matt and I'll be out.

[Ms Darcy]

From what I observed, the response is that advice is wanted but every single bit of advice is shot down. This is probably the 100th post (not thread but post) where someone has said the same stuff. Seriously.

 

And that's fine ... like I said. Repeating the advice doesn't make it sink in any better.

 

Sorry you feel alone OP.

[MattW]

Negativity and bitterness can be quite unattractive. Positivity (from within -genuinely positive) is generally attractive in both platonic and romantic ways. The main reason I declined to see men again after a first meet or a first date was their negative attitude -sometimes it was right in my face and sometimes it was just energy/vibe I got. It didn't matter if they had a cute face or were polite/pleasant. Next.

 

But I don't really think I'm that bad at fighting off the negativity when the circumstances are right. Not to keep beating a dead horse, but again, using the last girl as an example, when I realized I liked her, I didn't have a care in the world. Internally, I was perfectly relaxed and at peace with the world, I wasn't thinking or exhibiting anything "negative" at all. I was just... happy. Plain and simple. It wasn't until she had already rejected me that all that positivity shriveled up and disappeared.

 

I love how people keep getting fooled. Matt is not looking for advice to improve his situation. He's looking for an ear and attention. Nothing wrong with wanting support.

 

But you will talk yourself blue in the face trying to give advice.

 

Look, I'm not purposely trying to screw around with you guys or anything like that, if that's what you're suggesting. I don't deny that it's nice to have people to talk to get a little attention from, but it's not like that's all it is. I'm not trying to "shoot down" or "disregard" any advice that's given, I just have a hard time actually applying any of it to my life. I'm not suggesting in any way that anything people say on here is "bad advice", I just can't seem to apply this stuff to my own life.

 

BTW, (cliffs notes) it all boils down to the girl who rejected him.

 

I have no problem admitting that there's still lingering "feelings" there. I don't deny that. I'm not happy with myself for still feeling "something" for her, and I wish I didn't. But I struggle with it still for three primary reasons: 1. I've never met anyone I've been more attracted to, 2. I still see her on a regular basis (which is completely out of my control), and 3. over the last several months, I've been going all-out with online dating to find other girls to spend time with to get my mind away from her, and again, I've had zero success.

 

Let that last one sink in for a second. It's not like I've been sitting around doing nothing to "get over" this girl. I've been actively trying to meet girls and go on dates (albeit primarily online via dating sites), and I've gotten nowhere.

 

So, I'm sorry I'm still "hung up" on this one girl that I had amazing chemistry with, this girl that still has a regular presence in my life, this girl who I have to sit idly by while she dates other guys and I can't get a single date with anyone.

 

@ MattW

That's the thing with dating. Often we never find out why we struck out. That's why it can be helpful to have people around you that can provide an outside eye. Do you have any female friends that have given you any advice?

 

Not really, no, not other than "Keep believing" and "Everybody finds someone eventually", basically just intangible stuff that doesn't actually help me out any right now. It's frustrating to just not be able to know, though, especially because like I said, last time, I really felt like I did everything right, and that there was nothing that could've gone better. I've replayed that situation over and over again in my head many times, and to this day, I still don't understand where things went wrong. So, it's scary to me that even at my best, there's still some unknown thing that held me back that I have no idea what it is or how to "fix" it so that things go better for me in the future.

 

And Matt's clearly old enough to let us know if advice isn't what he wants. It seems to me that he absolutely does want suggestions and help in understanding his situation. Tell me if I'm wrong, though, Matt and I'll be out.

 

Again, it's not that I don't want advice and it's not that I'm purposely not listening, it's just that I can't properly apply most of it to my life for one reason or another. I understand that I probably frustrate most of you guys, and I hope you guys believe me when I say that's not my intention. I hope you guys also believe me when I say that it's no less frustrating actually being me than it is to have to deal with me and my posts on this forum. I'm extremely self-aware, and I don't disagree with a lot of the things you guys say about me, which further adds to my own frustrations.

[allcity]

Well, from my standpoint your posts weren't frustrating at all and I'm sure they didn't frustrate many people here. They also didn't seem like you were being difficult and trying to ignore everyone's advice.

 

It seemed pretty clear to me that you were open to hearing ways that you could improve your situation. The tough thing is, there are only two ways to really know for sure where you're going wrong.

 

You ask the women that turn you down and hope they'll be honest. However, they pretty much never will be, as they'll want to spare your feelings. Plus it won't make you look very good to ask in the first place.

 

or

 

You get people around you that are great at reading the signs etc and knowing what mostly works and doesn't work in a dating context, and you ask them to let you where they think you're going wrong.

 

It could be one of many things. Maybe you're coming accross as a bit too keen. Maybe you're too familiar with people you've just met. Maybe you're not very adept at spotting when you mess up. Or maybe you just do what a lot of people do and are attracted to people that just aren't right for you.

 

And I'm not saying that you're doing any of those things - just that it could be many reasons and the only way to really know is to know you better. So if you do have female friends you trust, then it could be worth just asking them to spare the kid gloves and be honest with you.

[Batya33]

"But I don't really think I'm that bad at fighting off the negativity when the circumstances are right. Not to keep beating a dead horse, but again, using the last girl as an example, when I realized I liked her, I didn't have a care in the world. Internally, I was perfectly relaxed and at peace with the world, I wasn't thinking or exhibiting anything "negative" at all. I was just... happy. Plain and simple. It wasn't until she had already rejected me that all that positivity shriveled up and disappeared."

 

And that's the issue -your choice to have a positive attitude only when things are going your way. That's not healthy, nor is it healthy to think that the positivity shriveled up and disappeared. That's not what happened. You made a choice to react to the situation in that extreme way -meaning, of course your feelings are your feelings but how you choose to react to those feelings is under your control. It's not easy to persevere by reacting with disappointment but then bouncing back reasonably well- but that's what a healthy outlook is all about. It's also about resisting the temptation to keep reacting passively "I've never had anything good happen to me" or what you wrote above about shriveled up. People can tell when your positive attitude is all or mostly situational as opposed to your sort of default attitude which has to make it through the realities of life -sometimes good things happen, sometimes not so good.

[MattW]

Yeah, see, I don't really have any female friends that are close enough to me to be comfortable with being "brutally honest" with me. The only female friend that I occasionally talk about this stuff with is a bit too "nice" about it, and all she really says is to stay positive and try to meet more people. The only thing she's really told me is that I'm a bit awkward and reserved around people I've just met, and I'm aware of that. Even still, I'd like to think that once people get to know me beyond those early impressions, I'm not so bad, and further, I'd like to think that if I was really hitting it off with a girl for a while, she wouldn't go "Wow, he's a lot of fun! But... he was kinda awkward and quiet when I first met him, so no thanks".

 

I'm very consciously aware of it while it's happening, but yeah, I just have a hard time connecting with or even just talking to people I don't know very well. Once I've seen someone a few times and have seen what they're like a bit, I start easing up and start "being me" more around them. I know first impressions can be important for certain things, but I always hoped that people could see past it for dating/ friendships. If my whole inability to have friends and date really comes down to the fact that I don't make good first impressions (despite opening up more later and hitting it off with people), then there's not much hope for me, because I've been trying to fix this whole "first impression" thing for years now, and I've never been able to do it.

 

Although, I admit, I have a bit of trouble properly connecting with people to some degree even when I am more familiar with them. I try, I really do, but often times, I find that I don't have much in common with most people, and most people don't seem to make the same observations or have the same sense of humor as I do. In a way, it's like my "chemistry" is off to some degree with a vast majority of people I meet. Some more than others.

 

I also sometimes wonder how important my looks are. I'm somewhat "challenged" in this department by two things that are completely out of my control: A) I'm very short, and B) I have a very young, boyish, goofy-looking face. I wouldn't say I'm "ugly", but it seems more than plausible that women just don't find me attractive physically. Granted, it's not like I pursue tall girls with super model good looks, so I would hope that wouldn't be much of an issue. Maybe I'm wrong? I don't know.

 

 

 

I understand what you're saying, but I don't really know how to be different. My entire family is a bit... shall we say, "glass half empty" kind of people, so my entire upbringing has shaped me into a bit of a cynical pessimistic person. I realize that I control how I feel, and that it's up to me to make myself "feel positive", but when all your personal life experiences seem to prove the cynic in you to be correct, it's really hard to see anything but.

 

You guys have to understand, though, I don't like be cynical and pessimistic, and I want to be a more positive person regardless of the situation, but I just don't know how to be that. We're kind of shaped by the environment around us, and that's just how I was brought up. I know I have to make the effort to change myself, but I just don't know how to be that way. My mind doesn't comprehend it. So, the only times I can really be happy is when the pessimist in me is proven wrong by something.

[Batya33]

"I understand what you're saying, but I don't really know how to be different. My entire family is a bit... shall we say, "glass half empty" kind of people, so my entire upbringing has shaped me into a bit of a cynical pessimistic person. I realize that I control how I feel, and that it's up to me to make myself "feel positive", but when all your personal life experiences seem to prove the cynic in you to be correct, it's really hard to see anything but."

 

If you understood what I wrote you wouldn't respond in this way with a cop-out. No one ever said it was easy. It's a choice to prove the cynic correct. How do you think people who've experienced tragedies end up having a positive outlook? You don't think that proves "the cynic" right? I think I've written many times that your "but it's hard" is not a productive response. Everything I ever accomplished had it's very hard times. If I'd made your choice to prove the cynic "right" I wouldn't be where I am today nor would I be able to get to where I'm hoping to go in life. The sooner you stop with the excuses and the intellectual "I understand" followed by "but" the happier you'll be.