my boyfriend's sister is a nightmare

[TalkThatTalk9]

I am desperate for opinion..

 

I started dating my boyfriend in february....for the past two years he has been living with his sister. 2 years ago they lost both their parents within a 6 month time span and have only had each other to rely on.

 

when I started dating him, I was totally open minded and undrstanding about their relationship. I am super close to my brother, he is my best friend and number one person in my life I can rely on so I totally understand the relationship. and plus, i can NEVER put myself in the shoes of losing both my parents. I can not wrap my head around it or even begin to understand.

 

that being said, I have a problem.

 

when we first started dating, his sister had a job, he does not.... and so when I visited we had time ot ourselves to get to know each other and talk. until she got home from work.

 

a month into dating, she lost her job, she has not found one yet, and so she is home 24/7 with my boyfriend.

 

I would have no problem at all with this except she is starting to overstep the line in my opinion.

 

red flag 1: she was being really mean and witchy to him, and he said he figured it out. he mentioned to me that she said to him she was jealous of what he and I have. she is jealous he has found love and also jealous he is getting laid all the time. (big huh??? to me... I would never discuss my sex life wtih my brother and plus, what kind of sister gets jealous of her brother getting laid???)

 

red flag 2: I mentioned we should spend some alone time in bed just watching tv, cuddling, and talking. for a day or something on the weekend. his response "oh we can't do that, my sister would get jealous"...... ok???? I think that is ridiculous. she should be comfortable spending day away from him, letting him spend time in his room with a girlfriend. she is 38!!!!

 

red flag 3: we had been in his room for an hour, fooling around and having sex. after we were done, I jokingly said "make me some food!" we were laughing and joking, and it was between us in the bedroom. next thing I know, my bf is telling me his sister thinks I was being bossy and demanding with him. when I asked him what made her think that, he referred to me demaning he make me food. which makes me think she not only was listening to our conversation but us having sex. and it is NONE of her business what is said in his bedroom!

 

I got very upset at that, and he said "oh I regret telling you now." because I was mad at his sister, more than because I Was upset. he didn't want me mad at her, and tried to make me see she was just being a protective sister.

 

the final red flag, and my breaking point was yesterday. we were all 3 watching tv, his best friend called him. my boyfriend got up and left the room to talk privately, but it is a small apartment you can hear things. I was trying to concentrate on the tv show because I did not care who he was talking to, and it is rude to listen to someone talking to someone.

 

and his sister muted the tv. and then started listening to his whole convo, and making comments like "oh why is he saying that?" "he needs to stop talking" "oh my gosh, what is going on" making fun of what he was saying. making him sound like he was being stupid. I could not believe it. I Was FUMING

 

it made me SO uncomfortable. I did not like hearing his conversation (his best friend was upset on the phone because his wife wanted a divorce....not my business ), and plus what if he thought I was eavesdropping? it was uncomfortable and embarassing. and when he came back he asked her "did you mute to listen to my convo?" she laughed about it and then asked him waht the conversation was about. he didn't seem to care.

 

when I mention how I feel we have no privacy, and that I Feel as if I have to censor myself and can't be myself around her... my boyfriend gets upset. he is quick to defend her, saying she is just protective because she has taken on the mother role. and I understand that but at the same time, I feel as if we are on display at a zoo and she is watching our every move/listening to what i say. we have conversations, getting to know each other. like any new couple. instead of feeling secure and safe to be myself around him, I instead am scared to say stuff because she always pipes in like "WHY DO YOU THINK THAT?" or some other remark about what I have said.

 

I am paranoid now to even talk to him in the bedroom, I think she is listening.

 

and she seems to make faces when I say things, faces like 'wow is she really that dumb'?

 

she has a very outgoing, independent, speak her mind, do what she wants, I don't care what anyone thnks attitude. and so I have to be careful around her or she will end up hating me. and she makes peoples lives a living hell if she hates them.

 

my boyfriend says I have nothing to worry about she likes me... but this is bothering me.

 

I am afraid he is never going to want to cut the cord... I mention him moving out one deay and he says "oh don't mention it gives me a panic attack." he is petrified to lose his sister, because she is all the famliy he has left.

 

what do I Do??? I can't take it anymore. it makes me resent him that she is cutting in on us.... I want to just go hang in his room and watch tv, but he made it clear we can't. what do I do?

 

I just got back from my trip and that phone thing happened... I was so irked by everything, I barely even wanted to fool around. I was just annoyed and mad at him for putting up with her crap. I feel horrible feeling this way.

 

it's the only problem I have with him.

 

I just am at my witts end. I know it is temporary, he is working on getting his own place. but by god, I can't handle another visit to him with her there.

 

and then if I ask him to visist me, he says "Well my sister won't let me use her car" she lets anyone use it, but when he wants to visit me, she doesn't like it.

 

she also has asked him what I see in him... he makes comments like "she doesn't understand what you see in me. she will come around" because he does not have a job due to injury and can't take me on dates. (he is trying to get disability, has a court date in july. this could make things better or worse depending on the verdict.......)

 

I don't know what to do....any advice?

 

p.s. I have also initiated dates OUTSIDE his house, he ends up coming at me with "I just feel guilty going out when we can't pay bills" stuff... when I offer to pay.... I feel as if she either a) makes him feel guilty or b) he is afraid she will get jealous.

 

arrrhhhhh!!! any guys opinions would especially be appreciated. thanks you all!

[jenny_mcs]

What is your living situation?

[Ms Darcy]

If the living situation is temporary, don't hang out at his place anymore.

[KittyBoo]

I think that you have tried communicating your needs to him as far as having privacy and intimacy as a couple and he is more worried about his sister than your feelings. It is understandable that with their loss they are leaning heavily on each other for support but it should not be at your expense. If things are bad now they are not going to get any better. He does not seem to have the maturity and independence that a man of 38 should have. Tell him again what you need from him and if things don't change for the better than it is time to cut your losses and move on.

[HeartGoesOn]

I understand your concern, but you have to respect the fact that she lives there, and even though you're her brother's girlfriend, you're still a guest. Personally I wouldn't feel comfortable being intimate with him there, since he shares his living quarters with his sister. Added to that, I would limit my time that I spend there, and avoid directing my anger towards his sister.

 

Also, if he refuses to spend time with you outside of the home, maybe it's time to reconsider where this is going...

[agent1607307371]

You know... other than the phone thing it seems to me that most of these are things your bf is telling you. How much of this is stuff that you've actually been on the receiving end of from her directly? OK so you don't like her personality, but how much of this has actually been said to your face from her?

[TalkThatTalk9]

ight now I live and work for my grandmother while looking for a fulltime job. I want to get my own place again asap.

When he gets disability, if he gets it, he will be back on the road to fixing his injury/being able to work again/have an income coming in... But I think I am going to have to deal with his living situation awhile.

 

I live in my grandmas basement which is a mini apartment, I have more privacy than he does. But he always says 'oh she won't let me have the car'

 

Also, he told me she got upset at my joking about making food, I have to go by his word, but I can absolutely see her being that way. I have witnessed her temper tantrums/attitude a lot for myself.

 

I know I need to talk to him but then I wonder if he will say something to her which will make me public enemy #1 w/ her.

 

I mentioned yesterday how I was going to plan fun things to do this summer (he lives in chicago there are millions of inexpensive things) he joked 'you getting antsy sitting around here?' I was like YES. I mentioned a need for privacy and doing stuff on our own, how last summer I had zero fun and want to have fun this summer. He said ok, but I am afraid when the time comes to say... Go to the beach, he is going to invite her along or she will make him feel bad for bot bringing her.

[LookandLeap]

Oh for Christ's sake, just end it. The guy is a fish.

[abitbroken]

Then if you both are not living in ideal situations you can't stay over with eachother. That's just that.

]And if his sister comes first in her own home.

 

Also, if he is going for disability now - is it injury based or permanent? And if so, can't he work part time answering phones, etc? What does he have to offer you?