DN Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 I agree that a specific refusal is better than a put off. Link to comment
surfjon Posted June 11, 2013 Author Share Posted June 11, 2013 Thanks folks...... I'm just gonna let it ride with no response this week.... I feel like I'm making this a bigger deal than it really is. It is really irrelevant in the big picture. Link to comment
Reflective82 Posted June 12, 2013 Share Posted June 12, 2013 I'm impressed with your nonchalance! If I got the chance, I would be pretty nasty and tell my ex I want nothing to do with him after how he wasted my time and say never contact me again. Good you're being so "blah" Link to comment
oldandstupid Posted June 12, 2013 Share Posted June 12, 2013 Still....it must be immensely satisfying to see your ex come grovelling back. It certainly shatters the mystique that can build up around them after they dump you. Link to comment
Reflective82 Posted June 12, 2013 Share Posted June 12, 2013 Yep, it's a good ego boost to hear from them but also irritating I imagine. I wouldn't be able to control myself being rude to them, but in a way that shows them you care. It must be satisfying to complete ignore them, and if they persist just say, please don't contact me any more. Screw them!!! Link to comment
surfjon Posted June 12, 2013 Author Share Posted June 12, 2013 Honestly, I can't imagine her motivation.... To me it's puzzling, months ago when we had one of our last face-to-face meetings, I tried to get some reason out of her as to why she had drifted and she gave me something about "we're not compatible" or something like that..... If we were so incompatible after 5 freaking years, then why on earth want to be my friend? It makes no sense....... I've just decided for now to not respond at all......I've blocked her on work email, but didn't on hotmail..... I don't care if she emails me again, it occurred to me last night that I kinda like her reaching out and finding nothingness, after all....it's all I got for several months of hell, so let her see what reaching out to one who loved you dearly at one time and getting nothing feels like......I'll tell ya what it's like, it sucks but it builds character! Link to comment
markie6 Posted June 12, 2013 Share Posted June 12, 2013 If we were so incompatible after 5 freaking years, then why on earth want to be my friend? It makes no sense....... Often it's because that is all she saw you as when the split occurred. This is quite common, has happened to me in the past. I didn't notice the transition to just friends either Try your best not to let the can of worms get opened again. Don't forget , our addiction to them exists and more often than not they have to deal with it as well, especially after a long period of time. She probably isn't trying to mess with your head , might not realise it's having that effect ...but she might need to be told at some point that you just don't need or want to hear from her. Let's not forget, that no matter what all the whys and wherefores ended up here , it's a whole chunk of wasted time that you're not going to get back. Especially with the long fade out Link to comment
aseeker Posted June 12, 2013 Share Posted June 12, 2013 Hey Jon! I hope you are fine and dandy This exchange between you and your ex really brings me home. I reacted the same way as you did when my ex contacted me, asking me how I was. I didn't want to be rude and unfeeling. I didn't play it cool and told him I was not ok, how could I after what had happened? He got really angry and we got into a fight, basically I was civil and he interpreted everything I said as offensive. Needless to say, he ended up telling me to "get lost" and never talk to him again. I was actually pretty ok with that. I mentioned this because for weeks, we remained in silence and I didn't know what we were: friends, no friends, neutral, enemies. When he came to me and we fought, I felt free. I made the same mistake as you and allowed him to get into my life again, have a chat. That ended up badly. So sometimes silence is best, after everything is sorted. But until then, you really need to clear things out because exes... Boy, they're completely clueless! They don't care if we're hurting, they only want to feel better about themselves. And worst of all, we let them do it! So no more Mr./Mrs. Nice, we need to be rude to get our point accross. Otherwise they'll just walk all over us and think their behavior is acceptable. It's not. I played the "I'm completely fine with the situation" card for too long, when I was falling apart. And he didn't care. He just cared about us being friends, that's all he went about. And when I told him I couldn't be friends with him, needed time, etc, he lashed out at me. That was a huge wake up call. He didn't respect me, let alone care. He was just feeling guilty, like your ex. Good for you Jon! Keep up the silence treatment. That will make her wonder. How dare she open the almost healed wound? If she feels she's made a mistake and is regretting her decision, too bad! You don't have to put up with her games anymore. Anyway, that doesn't seem to be the case because she's so evasive. She won't even tell her intentions, she's just poking around to boost her ego, make you care again so she can leave again. Obviously not that interested/worried. So let her suffer a little ;D Link to comment
surfjon Posted June 13, 2013 Author Share Posted June 13, 2013 Markie, Yeah, that messes with me a bit, the last 2 years I stayed with her whan I saw things becoming unbalanced, I should have been gone then, especially April 2012 when she first pulled this and then asked for another chance, shouldn't have given it to her..... Waste of my time which I sure can't get back, just gotta accept that! Aseeker, I'm considering sending her an emotionless text just stating that "no, I don't wish to see you, I can offer civility, but not friendship".. Which is true, I feel that when I bump into her, I can smile, say hello, be civil, and thats all.......can't be her buddy.... Link to comment
Fredd Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 Don't be her friend, maybe, but be on good terms with her. One never knows Link to comment
surfjon Posted June 14, 2013 Author Share Posted June 14, 2013 Ok......So I'll spill my beans.... I did email her back in response to her asking "to see us boys sometime"... I waited until yesterday and said.... "If you like, but I don't see the point. I told you I couldn't do the friendship thing, I can offer civility, but not friendship" She responded she understood, and would still like to see me...... I told her I was taking the boat to the sandbar Saturday afternoon and she could come...... I know, I know.... I'm an idiot... She's been emailing me today about her new place and how she remembers me helping her paint when she moved a couple years ago, not asking me for help, but just more like nice remembrances of our old times. I'm ok with seeing her casually once, I really do want to see her, I miss the girl dearly, and she seems happy that I agreed to see her. Her tone seems like she's been lonely.......I want her to see me, it's been 6 weeks and I've come a long way, I want her to know that most of all. I honestly don't know what I'd do if she initiated some sort of dialog....I DEF do not plan on discussing "us" at all, or anything about the split, but will talk if she initiates.................. Wish me luck friends, I know I seem weak and maybe I am, but theres no rules here.... I'll prolly show up here Monday, a mess again, but even if so, I'll be done then, this is the last time..... Then a couple emails today Link to comment
John John Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Good luck Jon. Either way, I'm sure you'll be fine. You seem strong and well adjusted enough to navigate a touchy situation like this. She's probably really impressed, which is awesome for you no matter what happens. Link to comment
iam42 Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 surfjon, you are a dreamy rockstar! of course, she wants to see you. i know you will be fine no matter how things go. my fingers are crossed that things will go exactly the way you want them to... Link to comment
surfjon Posted June 14, 2013 Author Share Posted June 14, 2013 Stupid romantic dreamer is more like it! I'll be ok either way.....thanks folks, I mean it! Link to comment
markie6 Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Don't go in with your defences on high alert .... be the laidback Jon you used to be... the fact she was reminiscing is a good sign, coupled with wanting to see you ... don't make the rookie mistakes, you're old enough to know the score... best of luck Link to comment
Edmund Exley Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Shaking.... My..... Head..... You and I are gonna have a little talk next week.....LOL Link to comment
Roadkill Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Ok. You and I sound like in a similar boat..pardon the pun. And I think Edmund Exley is going to kick us both to the curb. Long short...Married 10-11 years, divorce that lasted about 18 months and was horrible. Married new wife (first love) who took advantage of me and now separated. Dad dies, contacted ex wife (we emailed from time to time and I knew I still loved her). Went and saw ex, made love and now....Oh, she's living with some guy but can't leave him because "he's a mess" and "he helps pay the bills". She's waiting until she finishes nursing school in December. (We are both now in our 40s). What do I do? Gave her $6,000 to help pay his bills, $1000 in spa treatment, and another $800 in misc items. Oh. And bought a truck fro my daughter I have not seen in 12 years (bad divorce) ($12,000). We email every day, but she won't call except once in awhile because her "guy" monitors the phone calls etc. She says my daughter is too busy for her to see me...but she says things like she is jealous when a women looks at me, wants to see me, yadda yadda... As I right this surfjon...I realise a bit more that I am just being played. I am wondering if you are as well.... Give it a chance, but hold your heart close...I wish I had. Link to comment
aseeker Posted June 15, 2013 Share Posted June 15, 2013 I really don't think it was a good idea to put yourself out there because she'll most definitely mess with you... And you say you don't want to talk about you guys, but that's probably what will happen anyway. You're allowing her to do that if she wants to, I mean you already told her you didn't want to be friends, yet she invited you to the friendship thing and you happily went there... So if she does anything else, you probably will go along too. I just don't want you to get hurt and that's likely to happen when she seems to be subtly controlling the situation: she places the cards on the table every time. You just have to be brave enough to fold and leave, no matter how tempting the betting is! Remember you can win a lot, but odds are you can lose all too. Link to comment
Watergirl777 Posted June 16, 2013 Share Posted June 16, 2013 Just my two cents worth, but I don't think u should see her. I think she's trying to worm herself back into your life. Now time has passed and she realizes she can't do better. When you replied to her first text it set the ball rolling. I think she's hoping for some sort of reconciliation. I know you say you have it under control but why should you offer her anything? Didn't she break your heart? Just looking out for you, that's all. Link to comment
Heartbreakcity Posted June 16, 2013 Share Posted June 16, 2013 Just my two cents worth, but I don't think u should see her. I think she's trying to worm herself back into your life. Now time has passed and she realizes she can't do better. When you replied to her first text it set the ball rolling. I think she's hoping for some sort of reconciliation. I know you say you have it under control but why should you offer her anything? Didn't she break your heart? Just looking out for you, that's all. I agree with Watergirl. Do not let her suck you back in! Link to comment
surfjon Posted June 17, 2013 Author Share Posted June 17, 2013 Friends, and I do mean that..... I was very confused and almost called her Saturday to tell her it wasn't a good idea, but I calmed down and realized I ccould finally safely see her without being uncomfortable or nervous so I went thru with it..... When she got on the boat, I could feel something had changed since last I saw her, the sparkle was back in her eyes and she seemed genuinely happy to see me. I had planned to say nothing about us, our relationship or the split.....and I was def not gonna discuss if she'd been with anyone new or if I had been with anyone. In the first few months, I obsessed about her with someone else, but that feeling wore off about 3 months ago as I accepted her as gone and was able to see the relationship was unbalanced and I too needed a break to heal and get back in control of myself. We just chatted and caught up at first, and she then told me she had been missing me and really lonely, that she had really needed time to sort things out, and hadn't been dating anyone.....asked me had I been dating, and I was honest that I had seen a few people, but nobody special....just people to hang out with... She hugged me and meant it, kissed me and meant it even more.... I played it super cool. Told her that although I'd missed her dearly, I pointed out that it was she that wanted out....and that she had done this to me before and why should I fall for her again only to be dumped in the future possibly....I told her I was unsure that I wanted to re-enter anything, as attractive as the concept was..... She understood completely, and we had a really nice and light day, I really enjoyed her there, and she too.... When we returned to the marina, she asked me if I'd go to dinner with her, and I didn't have plans that night so I said yes, and we agreed to each go clean up and go somewhere nice..... I made a point of taking her somewhere new, so we went to a cool little place thats quiet and hip. I felt confident and cool at 22 lbs thinner than last she saw me, tanned from the boat, I had on my new 31" white Lucky jeans and my fave cowboy shirt, she kept telling me how good I looked, and I enjoyed her attention I must say! She looked gorgeous, it was obvious she wanted to look good, and I loved it....never thought I'd be sitting accross from that girl again folks, but here I was.... Again, I kept it light, and let her initiate the dialog when she was ready, I now felt it was up to her to "sell herself" back to me.... She started again how she'd really missed me and needed the time to sort things out with what she wanted and if she wanted children or not (this has been one of our major issues, I have 2 grown kids and not sure I want more, and she has no kids,,,,shes 36 and I'm 47).... She was very sweet and genuine, she held my hands and kissed me several times, I stayed cool, didn't give away that I wanted her back....I slowly opened up over the evening....told her that I'd missed her too, but was doing great. I thanked her for contacting me and reaching, and I told her honestly that if she had not, that she would have NEVER heard from me again.....she said she knew that, that mutual friends had told her was I was doin awesome, having fun and had seen me with cute girls, she asked had I slept with them, and I told her it didn't matter, that we were broken up at her doing, and that I didn't care what she had done anymore, it was irrelevant....she agreed and we discussed it no further except I did tell her I really missed her body and her intimacy, she cried and told me she'd not been with anyone, and wanted me back in that way..... I finally told her if she wanted back into my life, which was fine finally without her, that we'd have to start with as close to a clean slate as possible, fix the things we didn't like about our relationship and take it really slow and careful..... She said she wanted to start again, that she loved me dearly, and wanted me back as her BF, I showed no emoton and told her I'd think about it......but would love to have her back if we could sort things out in both of our best interests.....I finally told her that she'd hurt me deeply, and I was hesitant to return, that I could have understood her wanting out, but how she handled it is what hurt me most.......she understood, and apologized, and meant it. I drove her back to her house, and she invited me in, but I wasn't ready to go there and didn't want to seem in a hurry.... She texted me the next day (sunday) to see if I was taking the boat to the sandbar, and I told her yes, that I'd like her to go, but already had plans with other people and that we could go after work during the week......one change I will initiate is not making myself too available like I used to..... She sent me several texts saying how she had fun, enjoyed seeing me, and I told her likewise. We have plans to take the boat and dogs to the sandbar on tuesday..... I must say that I feel....for me at least....that what I did was for myself these last 6 months, I was dealt a blow which I dealt with for my best interests, I did NOTHING conciously to effect her return, to the contrary...I was resolved to not do anything, no game playing, just healing my shattered heart. I changed myself for me, nobody else, and this is key here. I feel that going hard NC was for me alone, not for her to "miss me" or anything, I told her months ago, when I did go hard NC, that I would no longer contact her and that "she knew how to reach me if she wanted a dialog, but wouldnt be her friend" and I was gone.... I did really consider not answering her email 2 weeks ago asking how I was, but I feel like my short and businesslike response days later was appropriate and had an unexpected result which was for my benefit....and when she asked to see me, I considered not answering then too, but I did in an unemotional way, just business like. I feel like when I explained to her that again....I could offer civility, but not friendship, that pretty much if she wanted to see me then after that statement, that I knew she wanted a dialog...and she did. I almost feel guilty for posting this, I know so many ena'ers are hurting and struggling here, I can totally relate, as the last 6 months have been hard.....I NEVER expected her to want back in, had accepted her as gone daddy.... When I joined here in 2007, my wife had just left, and I did the right things, but she didn't come back.... I'm gonna take this really cautiously and slow, but for now at least, we're back together..... Peace to all! Link to comment
iam42 Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 yay for you, rockstar!!! make sure that each day she earns you ... and you her. so happy for you! Link to comment
.jpg.1626fbc48c04fd9021fd315819807524.thumb.jpg.882936eb5901fa05cf31c75617acde2e.jpg)
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.