GF of 5 years married someone else a month later.?.

[wellthereyago]

I think I have actually done a pretty decent job of not chasing her to try and get her back. I stuck to my original NC for 30 days (even when her kids called to tell me she got married the day before) and the only contact we have had is over the loan. I only brought up the 180 religious change as we were both agnostic just weeks ago and now all of a sudden she is supposedly super Christian for him. I feel like so much of our relationship was her just being a chameleon to what ever value I seemed to have on whatever the topic was. we had actually just started taking the kids back to church as we had decided that we had reached this decision based on free thinking and by not having them in church we were limiting their information to make a decision of that magnitude for themselves later. ironically when we left church i could barely get her to not "bad-mouth" the little bit of the service she heard (after having to take the little one outside for not sitting still) so the children would not be influenced by her comments. Please understand I respect all religious beliefs and never want to be a stumbling block for anyone especially a child. there was a time when she actually made jokes about me having faith in God and His plan. well again i appreciate all the feedback and please don't get the wrong idea about me based on my religious views.

[wellthereyago]

so I have been reading a really long thread on here called Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship ( ) and it has been like very helpful to me in understanding what has happened with my ex. given i'm only about 400 posts into the 2200 post thread but it is almost like seeing the other team's play book. I feel like i'm starting to get my life back to normal and have stopped obsessing and even thinking about it a lot less. I have been more productive that I have been in several months now and I've had some very interesting things happen lately that I would have not thought possible. I can't say i'm completely over it in this amount of time but I can already see some benefits of the break and I think that is pretty decent progress in this relatively short amount of time.

one thing in the thread that really caught my attention was why they want to stay friends with someone after the break up. the way Zorba explained it makes perfect sense of having a back up plan and also getting the emotional needs met while they are getting the attraction and new feelings met by the rebound. a meshing of the 2 people until they can completely transition into the new relationship and the ex hanging around only gives them more confidence (stroking of the ego) with the new person. i also found it interesting how they claim the new person is so perfect for them right off the bat then when the honeymoon phase wears off and reality sets in only to find out they didn't actually process or learn from the previous relationship.

 

i'm really glad i found this site and this community that can appreciate both the emotional and psychological sides of these kinds of situations.

[Fredd]

Married within one month?

That was quick, I must say...

 

It's better for you to lose a person like that. As or she was cheating on you before, or she really married in one month. In both cases, I wouldn't define that a normal behavior.

[wellthereyago]

yea a lot of people said she was cheating after everything started coming out about her being married but that didn't bother me as much as the fact that we had talked about getting married many times before and never wanted to do it at the same time. I don't guess it matters now anyway though. thanks for the comment.

[wellthereyago]

so here is something interesting... Monday I got a text from her best friend asking how I was doing. Now the friend and I know each other thru the ex but she really liked me and called me a couple of weeks ago to say she didn't know anything about the wedding or her dating anyone else during this entire thing. so when she text me Monday I was very friendly and just said I was fine and was just working on some things for a business i'm getting ready to start up. she was very interested in what kind of business and asked a lot of questions about it. we messaged back and forth for probably about an hour with very quick responses then I told her she should come by the house and hang out that evening if she wanted to. about an hour later she messaged back and said she had plans she had forgotten about. i'm just wondering if this was a way for the ex to find out something about what I was doing. if it was I think I handled it well by not asking about her, the kids, or even her dad (even as much as it hurts to not ask about them.) i'm not going to put my life on hold for her but does this sound like maybe she is trying to indirectly "check up" on me (I don't do the facebook or social media thing)?

[Reflective82]

I think she was pissed off you wouldn't marry her and almost did this as a revenge thing

[wellthereyago]

Well i thought about that and they last time we talked about getting married i was actually the one that wanted to get married and she didnt at that time. Then after her dad had her promise to live with her mom after he passed away i didnt really push the issue as i didnt think he had much time left and we would talk again when the stress level wasnt so high.

Her normal MO is to find a good reason to get mad and leave after she has already found someone else. She wasnt mad just more of an emotional break down when this started and i think she was just ashamed and guilty that she was doing this for the couple of weeks that we talking.

I do think that her mom is still behind all of this personally

[nfperception]

Well i thought about that and they last time we talked about getting married i was actually the one that wanted to get married and she didnt at that time. Then after her dad had her promise to live with her mom after he passed away i didnt really push the issue as i didnt think he had much time left and we would talk again when the stress level wasnt so high.

Her normal MO is to find a good reason to get mad and leave after she has already found someone else. She wasnt mad just more of an emotional break down when this started and i think she was just ashamed and guilty that she was doing this for the couple of weeks that we talking.

I do think that her mom is still behind all of this personally

 

What makes you think that?

[wellthereyago]

her mother is very manipulative and controlling especially since she moved back in with her parents (Nov 2012). her mother would constantly use guilt and threats to get what she wanted and even when she would leave the house to see us both of her parents would constantly call to see when she was coming home or what she was doing. her mother and I had words because I wouldn't just let her run down my GF and keep my mouth shut. also I think her mother had a huge problem our religious views and constantly made comments about how terrible a mother my GF was because we didn't have the kids in church, we weren't married, etc. so considering the 180 degree change in religious views and then directly marrying someone that her mother "approved" of (since they have worked together for a long time) that was recently divorced, I feel like this was a big set up. I think her mom pushed the time that we had been together in her face as evidence that I would never marry her and then the mother and the new guy used the "God's plan" to convince her she was doing the right thing. that is based directly on what she has told a couple of our "mutual" friends that have informed me that she doesn't seem like the same person...

[wellthereyago]

I don't know if anyone is still following this thread but here is a quick update.

so recently I got a call from someone that has talked to my ex a couple of times lately and it seems there is more to the story now... basically there was talk for raging hormones and a lot of hints (body language) that she is pregnant. if that is the case then it actually explains a lot. all the depression and anxiety (especially if she was cheating) and all the getting sick during the day right after all this started. honestly if it is true it kind of gives me some closure to the situation that I really didn't have before. I had really accepted that I would probably not ever know why she really left but now it kind of makes sense.

anyway I also wanted to add time does heal all and I honestly feel worlds better than I did even 2 months ago when I last posted. so anyone going thru a similar or lesser situation please know that eventually you will heal you just have to just keep pushing thru all the pain.

[No1]

I think it would be better if you just cut the cord and let her go. Dont you have enough in your life already? Why do you feel that you must pile on thoughts of her too. She is married. Weather she is happy or not, preggo or not, you no longer have to care. Quit holding onto strings, or think there are still strings. You two had your fun, you had your ups and downs, you had fun, cherrish those moments. But its time to close this chapter of your life and cut the cord.

[wellthereyago]

cutting the cord is easier said than done. believe me I wish I were one of those guys that can just turn off all the feelings that I had for her and our family but I'm just not. after all this is the woman I really thought was my best friend and I would spend the rest of my life with so I honestly think that only 4 months later I've recovered this much is pretty good. the pregnancy doesn't make a difference other than it explains how and why everything happened and gives me some resolution to the situation.

I have read many stories on this site and it seems there are only a few that continue to post after things settle down and life gets back to normal but those that I have read gave me hope in my early days. so I just hope that this thread gives someone hope that life does go. I think for most people I have experienced all the MOST dreaded events with an ex in a very short period of time after the BU - no contact, married to the rebound, and pregnant all within a couple of weeks/months. hope this helps someone out there

[No1]

Of course its easier said than done, its not going to happen overnight. It didnt happen for me so there is no way I can expect it to happen for someone else. Its going to take a strong will. But it does start with a mind set. If you know that cutting the cord is the best thing you can do then you can slowly do things that you need to do and eventually it will happen. If you just say 'oh screw it, its never going to happen' then how much sucess do you think youll have?

We all have our demons we fight every day, you have to be strong and know that in the end youll be better off. And in time youll be able to come on here and help people out.

[wellthereyago]

well her dad passed away a couple of days ago. after a lot of thought on the situation I didn't see any good coming out of me going to the visitation or the funeral so I didn't attend either... I hope that isn't something I regret later

[dfl2000]

I understand that it is very hard to let go after 5 years together. I was with my ex for 5 years. His family was my family. His older sister became my best friend and we talked every single day-- so when he cheated on me and I left him, I not only lost him, but also her as well.

 

So I know firsthand that it can feel impossible to untangle your life from theirs, even when they have done something so hurtful to you. But you can do it, and you will.

 

Stay strong.

[wellthereyago]

I don't know if anyone is still following this thread but I did want to update it and get some feedback on my current thoughts and feelings. Before anyone posts "just get over it" please understand I really thought this woman and I would be together the rest of our lives and also after much inner reflection I have accepted that I need to feel like I have some understanding of what happened so I can continue healing from this and move on. I really wish I could just forget her and move on but even after 5 months I still have days where it bothers me more than others but overall I do feel I have made a lot of progress considering everything that has happened.

A couple of days ago I ran into my ex gf, her new husband, and a friend of hers at a local eatery. We were just picking up dinner and as I opened the door I noticed the friend and honestly thought she was there with her nephew but it was actually my ex (she now has her hair cut very short and looks like a young boy and she had her back to me) but as soon as I saw it was my ex I backed out and we went and sat in the car until they paid and left. I really didn't see her husband until they came outside and began looking around (i'm sure the friend saw me and said something to her). I didn't feel like I was ready to see her face to face so I chose to avoid for the time being. I still feel like I made the right decision for me and how I currently feel. I do admit I didn't have an appetite after that and yesterday was still kind of rough until I got to the gym and really took out some aggression but today I actually feel much better about the whole thing.

Anyway later that night I just kept thinking "what kind of person does it take to do a complete 180 degree on being so in love and happy to marrying someone else" so I began Google-ing some of her behavior to try and understand. The more I read the more I am now leaning towards her having a borderline personality disorder (BPD). Now I am not trying to put blame off of myself at all but I just can't think of anything I did to make her act or react the way she did. So after reading a lot on the BPD issue it started to make more and more sense to me. Considering her work stress (not getting along with her co-workers), her father's terminal cancer, and me leaving my high paying job (yes I gain a lot of my identity from my work) I think she began to lose respect and desire for me and our relationship. Couple all of that with the manipulative mother (did a lot of reading on that subject too and it was very eye opening) pushing her to get married and take care of her after her dad's death everything seemed more clear to me.

With all that said I think the way I process things like this is to learn as much about it as I can and try to learn from the situation but it also keeps me in the cycle of "over thinking" everything that has happened. This is what really helped me get thru my divorce and ultimately it hurt a lot more in the beginning but I also feel I'm so much better off and better prepared after that process. Anyway I just wanted to get this out of my system and like I said maybe get some feedback from the community here. Thanks in advance and I look forward to your responses.

[Kitty]

Hey, I've read all this and feel for you. I've just had a BU and was hoping by the end if your thread you'd have moved on and full of happiness. I'm so sorry x

 

Would you have her back?

[wellthereyago]

yea I hope I get my happy ending one of these days but I thank you for your kind words. I actually went and read some of your story because your screen name is my ex's name... well to answer your question I don't think it matters if I would have her back because I don't think she is strong enough to admit she made a mistake. I wasted a lot of time pondering that months ago but thankfully I have moved past dwelling on it. i'm moving on and getting in good shape and i'm moving forward with a couple of different business ideas but i'm just being very cautious as I know I still need to be aware of making drastic and irrational decisions as i'm still not completely clear headed yet but i'm getting better as more time passes. it is true that time heals the wounds and I honestly believe one day I will be much happier with someone that isn't just pretending to be something they are not.

[Kitty]

Good for you! And sorry about my name!!!

 

I think what your ex did was awful, a terrible way to behave. I also have children (not with my recent ex) and my eldest wants to stay in touch with him, likewise with my ex bf.

 

You seem to have so much going on right now with your business so just put everything into that. It's be a great way to use up excess pondering thoughts!

[wellthereyago]

thanks kitty I really appreciate it even though I don't care for your name lol -- j/k

my ex-wife and I have a son together that is now 14 and after being divorced for 5 years we are actually better friends and get along better than when we were married. she also has a son from a previous relationship and I raised him as my own until the last couple of months before we settled the divorce (it took almost 2 years to get a divorce from all the fighting over custody) and he has actually started coming back around and engaging in my family activities. i'm a firm believer that if you have children together you are never truly divorced and have to find someone to work together for the children. like I say it has taken 5 years of ups and downs but we work well together and i'm actually pretty good friends with her new husband (I like him better than her in most cases lol). Even when I called and told her about this situation she had every opportunity to rub my face in it and she actually showed compassion about it and told me how crazy it all was and I was better off and I deserved to be with someone better than her. I can't say I would have ever thought it would have worked out like this but i'm glad we have all matured and grown thru these difficult times and can be there when things get tough.

[LAMBS4LIONS]

Sorry to hear that you are still finding it difficult to move on but you are not alone. Im about 2 years out and still have my moments of overwhelming sadness but I'm slowly moving forward. I commented on your post before about my ex of 12 years who also got engaged in less than a year after our breakup. What caught my eye about one of your comments was the notion that your ex has bpd. My ex without a doubt has bpd and im not just saying that, her own family has told me in the past. This article may help you understand how the mind of a bpd works. link removed It has helped me understand her actions and her feelings. Best of luck buddy!

[wellthereyago]

Thanks Lambs I read that article today and it was spot on with my experience. Couple all the strong emotions right after my divorce I now see we started out as a rebound relationship and probably she had the GIGS going to since she had just left the father of the second child when we started talking. I really thought I had found the "one" I was supposed to be with for the rest of my life. As soon as my divorce was finalized we started with all the sexual intimacy that had been building up while I was still married. I have definitely had those thoughts about "what is wrong with my selection process in women" and a lot of doubt about my decision making skills in general. Now keep in mind I was the COO of the largest medical supply company in my state so I have a pretty good track record of good decision making lol. Thank you so much for the link it really has helped shed more light on this issue for me and oddly enough I actually am starting to feel better.

[Truthhunter]

I think in this case the problem might really lie on her side... I know it's hard but you have to move on for yourself. Just remember that things get better in time. Be positive - perhaps this was a blessing. What if this sort of episode happened when you were already married or had kids?

[wellthereyago]

Thanks Truthhunter for the encouraging words. Believe me I have considered what this would be like if we were actually married and thankfully I can't have anymore children. I really consider the small car loan the cheapest divorce I have ever had lol considering what I spent on the first one.

[chitown9]

OP, while it is said that one should not assume an individual has a personality disorder based on our own conclusions, I disagree. There is a saying that if it walks like a duck it is probably a duck, and I agree with THAT statement. If your ex has the characteristics of a BD individual, and you say that she does, you have been interacting with a very sick individual. That means that you were in a very sick relationship, and that spells disaster. You actually dodged a bullet, my friend. Sometimes when we are in the forest we cannot see the forest for the trees, but you are out of the forest NOW and perhaps you can see what happened here more clearly now. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, remember?

 

Also, please try to remember that she cannot help what she is. Personality disorders do not come out of the air. They are usually due to some type of abuse suffered as a child. So don't hate her or hold any bitterness for her. Instead, hate the mental illness that she has and use this as a lesson in life. Not everyone thinks like you do, has the heart that you and is willing to participate in a relationship like you are willing to do. The key is to find someone who is healthy in that regard, someone that you are attracted to and can have fun with in this journey through life. It is out there for you if you allow yourself to be open for it. However, just a caveat.....guard your heart and look at how things develop in a relationship with your brain. You need to do this because things are not always as they seem.

 

Wishing you the best..... chi