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wellthereyago

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  1. Thanks for all the feedback and the bad part is that I know all of the stuff that has been suggested is true. I have spent years doing research about how relationships work and what lets them fall apart. I guess knowing all of that and seeing my last relationship fall apart without me even knowing it has really rocked my confidence of having a good one. On the job front believe me when I say I have looked high and low for 3 years now. If I get an interview I am told Im over qualified and they want to hang on to my resume for a different position that's a better fit and of course I never hear back after the follow up emails for a couple of weeks. But with that said I actually went for an interview on Thursday for an entry level position and the guy ended up offering me the manager's job. So Im accepting that job tomorrow and its pretty decent pay for this area and has potential to quickly become a 6 figure income within the next year. On the lady friend front I had a girl message me on facebook a couple of days ago that I didn't really know but turns out I dated her sister in high school. Anyway we have been chatting all week and we are going out next weekend. I don't know that this is the one but I do feel attracted to her which is more than most up to this point. I cant say everything is going well but looking back at my original post from last week it does seem like im finally able to get a little bit of sunshine now. I really appreciate all the feedback and this is a great community here for support. I know someone asked how she married someone a couple weeks after the breakup and yes it was someone that worked with her mother. the guy is 15 years older than her and they are still married 3 years later and have a newborn. I know I dodged a bullet with that one and the reason we never got married was because she was very easily manipulated by her mother and wouldn't act like a grown woman. that was always a major problem. the original post is here if you want to read thru the BS
  2. well here it goes... I posted my situation on here several years back and received some great insight so I guess im back now for some support. basically I was with a woman for 6 years after my divorce and she seemed perfect. she liked the same things I liked, she seemed to live to please me (and I did for her as well), and we worked towards solutions instead of fighting. seemed completely perfect but she left me and a couple weeks later she married another guy. needless to say I was devastated. fast forward 3 years now. 3 years have past and I have only run into her a few times in town and of course she turned around and left or one time we were in a line at a dollar store and just said nothing. the problem is not that I want her back but I do want a similar relationship without that is on that level and im afraid that I will never have that again. I have dated a bunch of different women and have been intimate with a several of them but nothing feels right anymore. also I have not been able to find a decent job since all of this happened. I just feel down and hopeless at this point. I don't think I need a woman to complete my life but to be honest being a single parent (my son's mom doesn't want to have anything to do with him anymore) and struggling financially I don't feel like I deserve anyone of quality anymore. I feel broken on the inside.
  3. I know the time line appears that she was a rebound relationship and maybe it was at the beginning but it also took me 2 years to get the divorce and we had been separated an additional year after my ex-wife's first affair. so I'm not arguing that it wasn't that at all but I was definitely ready to be divorced and swore I wouldn't remarry quickly afterwards so I could actually process what happened and what I did wrong in my marriage. I guess since we had been friends for several years when I was married I let my guard down and didn't notice the red flags I should have seen. also to clarify I didn't cheat while I was married. I think that is the most horrible thing you can do to another person and especially someone that you supposedly love and care about.
  4. No1 I have considered what you wrote and for a while I thought the same thing. Even though I have really tried to stop analyzing WHY she left and just try to move on here is what happened in regards to her being a survivalist. as I mentioned we had been friends for years before we officially started dating and she was pregnant and living with father of the child when she found out I was going thru a divorce. she almost immediately moved out of the house with him and moved back in with her parents even though I was still married and we were not talking anything like a relationship. she made comments about us getting married immediately after my divorce to increase my chances of going back to court and getting custody of my son (which was a real fear of losing custody of him during the divorce). obviously I see this as a red flag now but didn't then because I honestly saw her as a female friend more than anything ever really developing into a relationship. immediately after my divorce we started having sex and again not to be too graphic but she was everything my ex-wife wasn't -- willing, ready, and adventurous. we started hanging out anytime my son wasn't home and she would completely pawn her kids off so we could spend time together. we also worked together so we were basically seeing each other at home and work and keeping everything a secret since I was a manager and she was a line level employee. that lasted for a while until the rumors started about us being together. finally we decided one of us had to quit and since I made a lot more money she started looking for a job. she was fired from 5 or 6 jobs over the next year basically due to not being able to get along with other employees or being insubordinate to managers. another red flag right... then I finally was recruited to the executive position and she went back to a position with the company we both used to work for. keep in mind these jobs were slightly above minimum wage to maybe 30k per year. during this time I quadrupled what I was making before. during this time she had moved out of her parents house and into her own place (because I told her she wasn't making in forward progress as an adult and I really wanted to know i wasn't just a "meal ticket" to her and she was mature enough to be out on her own). this caused a huge fight with her mother but whatever. I have never really lived to extravagantly and honestly most of my income just kind of piled up in my account but we also had the luxury of not really ever having to say no to weekend trips with and without the children. she did actually contribute to those trips and always claimed she didn't want to be a burden or for me to feel like I had to take care of her financially. several months she didn't have money for rent, groceries, etc. I did pay for those things but she insisted we keep up with the totals and she would pay me back (I've heard that before) and I honestly figured that was just the cost of being in a relationship and never expected to see the money. fast forward until her dad gets sick with cancer. I had already turned in my notice at work and was training my replacement. her dad's high risk insurance was more than they could afford and even though she had moved back home to help with him I was completely paying her rent on a place that was sitting empty until her lease was up. all the expenses of staying out of town for his treatments fell on me - hotels, meals, gas, etc. so the day that she had the melt down I had been gone from my job for about 5 or 6 months and had been sitting with her dad during the day helping him out and keeping him company while they went to work she brought me a bunch of cash and told me everything about how she didn't know why she felt like she did but she felt different about me and my son. She said she had a lot of resentment and anger towards us even though she didn't know why or what caused all of it. I told her I thought she was just overwhelmed from work (again not getting along with other employees and getting in trouble because she wasn't a team player), her dad being sick, and her mom pressuring her to get married, etc. I didn't even know we were breaking up and we talked for the next week or so then finally she said it was causing anxiety when I called so I told her I would stop calling (again didn't know we had broken up). then 2 weeks later she was married to this guy. I texted her a couple weeks later about a car I had put in my name and asked her to please get it taken care of. she said she was struggling to get it done but she would. a year and a half later they have been paying on the car but her sister is driving it and it is still in my name. haven't heard a word from her since then. I have seen her a couple of times in local eateries and passed her on the road a couple of times. she turns her head or leaves. do I think she will do this guy the same way? most assuredly she will. and again I have tried to accept: > she isn't coming back > she didn't really care in the first place > she shouldn't matter to me anymore > I dodged a huge bullet here and should feel lucky > I will never have closure from her about WHY she truly did this my most recent post was intended to get some insight on things that would help me get past these feelings I still have for what we had and get on with my life more than placing blame, diagnosing her, or getting sympathy. I would love to just say "I don't care anymore" and not have these feelings anymore. I do feel I have learned to watch for red flags from other woman and maybe that is all I will ever learn from this experience and that is fine. I just hate feeling like a piece of crap because I can't seem to move on with my life because of someone's actions. again I really appreciate EVERYONE that has posted on this situation and even though I don't know any of you personally I feel like others know what I feel like and that actually makes me feel more connected than I do in my day to day life with friends, family, etc.
  5. Years ago when I went thru a separation with my ex-wife I saw a counselor for a while and even when my ex-wife and I tried to work things out we saw that same counselor and another one. Both of them were Christian counselors which was fine for us at the time because we were both Christian and they actually did help us a little bit. I did go and see one of them right after this initially happened thinking maybe they could at least give me some insight since they deal with this sort of thing every day but they wouldn't even talk to me because I am agnostic. The only other option I have here is something like a behavioral health place and they just push medication which I don't think is the answer either. My options are very limited in this area
  6. this is the OP and I do understand she is married, pregnant, and chose another path. I am here asking for ways to help process my feelings and move on for me not get her back. Truth be told I am still in love with the person I thought she was (at least the person she presented to me) but that person doesn't exist anymore. I am also not trying to place blame on her and easily label her as BPD so I don't have to take responsibility. In all actuality I have more of a tendency to take more than my fair share of blame on every situation (I learned that going thru the divorce). I have stopped trying to figure out WHY she did this and try not to worry about her anymore and get on with my life. as far as me having OCD - I've never been diagnosed and I don't take medication for anything but I am very disciplined, organized, and routine driven. I probably do have some tendencies that fall into that category and I definitely have an addictive personality but I'm functional and actually very driven at work, in relationships, etc. to be the best I can be. So with all that being said - what else can I try to help me move on. I have done all the typical stuff - joined a gym, taken vacations, dated other women, etc. (and as codependent as this sounds) I enjoy it but those things but it does feel empty not having someone to share those experiences with. It probably doesn't help that all of my friends are married, remarried, etc. and I'm the single guy at all gatherings lol. they swear I'm the lucky one being single and no responsibilities other than being a single parent but a big house seems very empty after all the fun is over.
  7. Wow that escalated quickly lol. I'm just kidding for course and even though there might have been some crossfire I actually really appreciate both points of perspective and the passion expressed in both sides. After reading all the replies to my post I found several things actually very accurate. No1 mentioned the attractiveness/sex and I don't want to get to graphic but uhmmm you hit the nail on the head. The sex was incredible and she most assuredly tried to move very quickly when we started talking. Like I mentioned we had been friends for years before we actually got together and she began talking about us getting married very early on but since I was fresh out of a divorce I told her that was not an option for me to marry anyone I had not been with for at least 2 years and I felt like I knew that person very well. I see that now and I quite frankly handed here a list of my "perfect life partner" traits that I had written down while I was going thru my divorce. I basically handed her a manual to manipulate me for everything she wanted. I think Royal even mentioned how these kinds of people contour their entire world to accommodate their partner and that was definitely the case here. She became everything on my list physically, emotionally, sexually, etc. Not a bad deal for me and I felt I had truly found a person that was everything I ever wanted and so appreciative of me being her everything. Then all of a sudden she is gone and a completely different person. All the things we talked about and she was so sure she didn't want more kids, didn't want to be a stay-at-home mom, or be married and even our religious views. Now she is the complete opposite - religious fanatic, pregnant, stay-at-home mom and obviously married. Maybe she isn't BPD but honestly I can't make sense of any of her actions since all this happened or than something mentally wrong. On a brighter note I am really watching for red flags a lot more closely and I do think several of the women I have been involved with since I noticed things even on the first date or two that made me stop calling them. I might have even jumped to the other side of the ditch and passed on some that would be ok but I saw things early on that I wasn't willing to tolerate and stopped calling them too. I really appreciate everyone's comments on here. It has been a difficult experience and I dare say this has been worse than even my divorce.
  8. So I'm back and I need some support from the community. It has been almost a year and a half since the break up and I don't like where I am (hence why I'm back posting.) I have maintained no contact, no cyber searching, etc. I've only run into her once since my last post and they turned around and left the restaurant as soon as they saw me and my family. So I have dating several women and even been intimate with a few and honestly I thought I would be completely over all of this at this point but I'm still hung up on it. I have decided that even if she called and wanted to come back I would not take her back. I feel like I have done everything I can to move on besides proposing to the next woman I saw. So why do I still feel guilty (like I'm cheating) when I'm with someone else, I don't feel attracted to other women, and I feel like I will never find another person that made me feel like she did. I would appreciate some feedback that isn't "just get over it", "dude - your pathetic", etc. because believe me I feel pretty pathetic feeling like this and feeling helpless to do anything about it. And lastly I am posting here because a while back I a commitment to myself to not keep talking to friends and family about this as I'm sure they are sick of hearing about it but now I feel like I'm suffering in my own head.
  9. Ok I'm back and need some more input from the community here. First a little update - I've maintained no contact with the ex since May/June 2013 (no facebook or googling her.) I'm feeling much better about the situation but obviously it still crosses my mind quite often. Haven't seen her in public more than passing her on the road occasionally and even then she covers her face or looks the other way. I know I'm not completely healed but I have been on a few dates and go out with friends on a regular basis and feel much better than even just a couple of months ago. Still hitting the gym 4 to 5 days a week and dropped another 10lbs while on my cutting cycle and when I see people that haven't seen me in a couple of months or more they are absolutely amazed how different I look which is great to boost my self esteem. So overall I think I'm beginning to move on and get my life back for me. So a couple of days ago I got a text from my ex's best friend saying she had been waving at someone that she thought was me. Then she started asking how I was doing. I was busy when the texts came in so it was a couple of hours later when I saw it. I debated to not even respond but she and I had become friends and even talked to her a little bit right after the break up and she even called me a few weeks after my ex got married to tell me she had no idea and thought it was all pretty crazy. She was also the friend that I saw in the local restaurant with my ex and her new husband. So I haven't talked to this friend since a couple of weeks after the break up even though she said she still wanted to hang out sometimes. So anyway I responded to her and said I was doing good and my son was doing good. She asked about my job situation and we caught up a bit. Anyway she ended it with saying she wanted to hang out sometimes and I said that was fine. Well right before I responded to the texts I was talking with my older sister and she is friends with my ex's new husband's ex wife. So anyway apparently the new husband's son got a high school girl pregnant and she just had the baby. Right after he got her pregnant he went off to the army but now he is back and the baby was born about 3 weeks ago. So that means that all of them are living in the new husband's house -- my ex, her 2 girls (ages 5 and 9), new husband, his two kids (boy 21 and girl 16), the son's baby, and my ex's mom. I can only imagine how crazy that whole living arrangement is but then also remember the ex's mom and new husband also work together. Also did I mention that the son got a 15 year old pregnant and that is statutory rape... So I get home and start thinking more about it and start wondering if there was anything to that or just an innocent conversation. So I ask a buddy of mine that also was friends with my ex and he says he thinks she might be running recon for my ex and I am kind of thinking the same thing. So I guess I'm wondering if I should be expecting some kind of retaliation from the ex? I can't say that I'm completely over her but I also know I don't want to go thru all the pain again and I want to be prepared if she starts reaching out or trying to manipulate others around me as we still have a lot of mutual friends. Any advice will be greatly appreciated and thanks in advance.
  10. chitown - I'm so sorry about your situation but you seem to have made peace with your decision. I guess that is a large part of my problem is that this wasn't my decision and going back over the whole relationship I didn't see any of this coming. I really thought I did a lot of relationship growing during and after my divorce. I still operate from that mentality of "be a spouse that only an idiot would leave" that I read so many years ago. Anyway thanks again for the encouraging words and support. btw you didn't answer my question lol
  11. chitown - you have responded a couple of times on this post so I guess we know each other good enough for me to ask you this now... "Will you marry me?" LMAO - j/k No1 and jennylove thank you for your responses and yea I could totally see that kind of post in the next year about the divorce and wanting to come back. I think I have mentioned that unfortunately for me my way of processing these kinds of situation is to feel like I completely understand as much as I can so I can move on and yes I realize that constantly researching about this doesn't allow me to move on as quickly as most people but this is just how I process it. I think overall I'm going to be better for this situation just as my divorce but I really thought I loved her and the relationship was great until this sh*t started. I really appreciate the input and I am really thankful for this community and the support thru such a drastic and challenging change in my life.
  12. ok so i'm back with another little piece of the puzzle. so recently I found out that my ex's mother is living with my ex and her new husband (keep in mind the new husband and ex's mother work together too) since my ex's father passed a couple of months ago. so it is now becoming clear that my original thought that the mother was heavily involved in this whole thing from the beginning. the more reading I have done on BPD the more I see how the mother is even more damaged than I originally thought and a good portion of this break up was really the mother making preparations for her livelihood AFTER the passing of her husband. the mother had made several comments to my mother about not being able to live in her house alone after her husband died (they talked a lot about things like that since we lost my father 2 years ago). I think she knew I would not allow her to live her with us when we got married. I know my ex and I have discussed a similar situation I had with my 1st wife's mother moving in with us right after our wedding and it really drove a wedge between us right off the bat. so she also knew I wouldn't really be on-board with that idea and also my mother was strong enough to go thru that terrible loss and not have to move in with me or my siblings. anyway I really wish I could just let this whole thing go and completely move on but as I have been reading I am starting to realize I have some issues with the "rescuing compulsion" which makes a lot of sense when I look back at both this relationship and my marriage. so with all that being said I don't really know how to correct that behavior in myself and yes it scares the hell out of me that I make this mistake again and end up another 5 or 10 years down the road in this same boat.
  13. dumpee - I know this thread is old but has anything else come of this situation? I am in a similar situation where my ex married a month after we broke up.
  14. Thanks Truthhunter for the encouraging words. Believe me I have considered what this would be like if we were actually married and thankfully I can't have anymore children. I really consider the small car loan the cheapest divorce I have ever had lol considering what I spent on the first one.
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