Letter to dysfuncational Mother In Law - Her apology was not needed or accepted

[tattoobunnie]

While I've posted in the past about the poor relationship between my MIL and my hubby and I, she finally sent an email apologizing. I didn't ask for one, nor did I want one, but it was the only way that my hubby would get new license plates for the car we are paying for her after the license plates were stolen from it (long story). Essentially, she is driving a separate car we own, and pay insurance on because she cannot get a job, or function normally, yet I have not communicated with her since September 2010.

 

Even though she makes herself out like a saint again, the apology sounded normal, unlike the thousand page emails she usually writes. This will a week ago. And while I have the response below, I have yet to email it back for fear of retaliation. And I'm not sure it would make a difference. I guess I just want someone to read it.

 

 

Thank you for your apology. I appreciate this. I still find your actions over the fall of 2010, 2011, and 2012 disconcerting.

 

My withdrawal from you was not an issue of anger or hate. It was to not enable your manically impulsive, manipulatively selfish, and abusive behavior.

 

The last time I had reached out to you, I invited you to a engagement party dinner, so we could tell you we were pregnant, and you respond with how I wasn't welcome into your family. I decided to let things settle, and one week later, you left death threats on my cell phone. Two weeks later, you told XXX how you wanted to "punish me," yet also invite me to dinner. Which is completely creepy. Then, you thought it was completely appropriate to detail on our wedding website, how I only got pregnant to trap Francis and that he and I were in a cult, and that you were only coming to the wedding to tell everyone this. To clarify, we got pregnant weeks after we choose to get married. And considering, I've never take birth control, which XXX had known since we got together in the beginning, I have no idea why you just assumed I can just control my body, and get automatically pregnant on command. Days later, you left 14 death threats on the house phone which also included spending 4 minutes clarifying how our child would be a bastard. And at one point, called it "your baby."

 

And even with all of that, you were still welcome to the wedding. Yet because you were no longer permitted to post on the wedding website, you just assumed you were no longer invited.

 

Following all of this led to months of you stalking me at my office, calling my staff liars, harassing them if I was not in, and you didn't want to leave a voicemail, to you continuously bad-mouthing XXX to his business partner, his best friend XXX, trying to spread gossip how he had mental issues, to you being completely abusive to him with your unreasonable demands and lack of respect of boundaries with your thousands upon thousands of texts, emails, phone calls, voicemails, and stalking him at our home. Calling him names, telling him how he could have been aborted, listing lies you fabricated, bad-mouthing me over and over, telling him how he owed you everything from money to his life.

 

You are not a child, or a victim. And others are not to be treated like your meal ticket. How your life turned out has nothing to do with XXX and I being over the moon in love, getting married, and having a baby together. The reason why you still haven't met XXX is because your behavior is so incredibly unstable...one day you're threatening me, the next you say you love me, then it goes back to blaming me as the reason why your life is the way it is now, to how everything should be forgotten, to you cursing cops at our home, to you expecting XXX to take care of countless things for you. Over all this time, you never once took into consideration of XXX' time or responsibilities with his professional work, or him being a parent. You are so selfish with this. And with the threats you have made to me, I have no idea if you plan to retaliate by physically taking things out on XXX, I cannot trust you to hold him. And considering all the lies you have told others and to each of us about XXX, the XXX's family and I , I could never be sure what lies you would say to him.

 

There are issues that you still need to address with regards to your mental state. You have been so concerned about looking like the victim that you put off for so long, getting a job, moving to a suitable home, and dealing with your stored belongings. Perhaps if you had put I the same amount of energy you did with your thousand word letters and countless phone calls to XXX and my family, you would have had these things in place by now for yourself.

 

While I cannot force you seek professional help, you need to learn to respect our time, space, and the boundaries we request. The fact that you still lack this understanding with coming to our home uninvited to stalk us after the police told you to stop, repeatedly ringing our bell, banging on our door, enlisting others to contact us to contact you, you need to learn to curb your impulsive behavior. It is terrorizing.

 

I also have no idea why you bad-mouthed CCC and LLL that we are all conspiring against you. They have yet to say one mean thing about you. All you come off looking like is a jealous woman who is aiming to isolate her son from any other family which includes his aunts, his actual father, and his half-sisters. And that he should be ashamed for being a part of their lives.

 

Again, thank you for your apology. Hopefully in time, with some distance, and you are able to demonstrate respect towards us by no longer bad-mouthing us, threatening us, gossiping about us, dropping by my work or home without permission, sending personal letters to XXX' work email, we can have a different conversation. And even though things aren't falling into place for you, right now, you need to back off, and give us lots of space.

 

In the meantime, you have shared with us issues with feeling abandoned by all the men in your life, and how you cannot move forward from the past...perhaps you should focus on getting yourself emotionally and physically better. The sad part is in all of this, instead of being supportive and thinking your son wanted to marry me, and loved me, and wanted XXX, you treated him as if he would be like your father, and took all of your anger of what happened to you out on us.

[mhowe]

I would not respond at all. Nothing but "retaliation" and mis-interpretation can come from it.

[petite]

I think you shouldn't send this letter. Let your husband deal with his mother and if he wants to send a similar letter to her that's his choice, but I think you're overstepping those boundaries you're talking about by sending such a letter.

[tattoobunnie]

Yeah - it's one of the main reasons why I haven't sent it. I really don't need to coming to my office or home to go over how great she is, and how sucky we are to the point I have to have her arrested for trespassing. She's been warned three times by the police, but another incident, I am advised to take legal action.

 

She has shared through a friend of hers that my hubby communicates with that she is now in therapy. Honestly, all she makes me mostly think of is how grateful I am to have such great parents.

 

I haven't communicated with her since Sept 2010. I think we are well beyond boundaries here. It may just be better to keep staying mum towards her.

[HeartGoesOn]

I wouldn't stoop to her level. However if you have the option to move far away from her, I would certainly consider doing just that.

[LookandLeap]

I think you should send the letter, and ignore any further contact. She needs to be called on her ish. Stop letting her use the car too. Cut her out completely.

[Fudgie]

How about cutting off the car for her? I'd respond with a letter saying that her insurance will expire soon. Then block her and ignore for good. Cut her out of your family's life.

[Sparklesong]

Depends on what your goal is. If you want to continue with things the way they've always been and be just as bad as she has been, then go ahead and send it, and revel in the repercussions you know you're going to get from it.

 

If you want to be the one who acts like an adult and takes the high road, delete everything but "thanks for your apology" and send it.

[journeynow]

Thank you for your apology.

 

Just send this. If you add more, you negate your thank you and are basically refusing the apology.