Started living my life at 29. How to catch up with time?

[PrettyGood]

I had no idea what I want to achieve in my life till I got 25. At the time I had no degree, so I built up my work experience as a secretary in various famous companies. However, secretaries with no degree have their "due date." That is why at 25 I started studying other field at the university. In June I will be 29 and then I will get my bachelor degree.

 

Now, the main problem is that after graduation, I should find a job to earn money in order to start living on my own, not with my parents (!). At the same time, my fear is that this time should be dedicated to have family, get married, rise children. My biological clock is driving me crazy, because I want to have 3 kids and be a young mom, so I don't want to give birth when I'm 32 or later. If I start successful carreer, I can't rise children and vice versus.

 

How to manage carreer and children? I feel desperate here and I would really appreciate some advices where to start?

[turnthepage]

Good for you for going back to education and trying to live your life how you want to! I am also a mature student, I will just have turned 29 when I graduate.

 

Do you have a partner? A key question in this problem I can relate to your feelings, though I'm not so much pro-child in my life, I feel the pressure of the biological clock and wanting to achieve everything at the perfect time.

[abitbroken]

If you don't have a boyfriend or are not engaged, I would not worry about dedicating your life to a family. Dedicate to that once you meet the man you want to settle down with and decide what you will both do to raise the family. You can't predict whether you will be a young mom or how many kids you will have yet. wait til you meet the right one and see how many kids you have or adopt.

 

I think you should focus on the career and worry about the other stuff when its appropriate.

[Batya33]

If you're 28 and not yet married how are you going to have 3 children before 32 unless you have triplets or at least twins? Are you in a serious relationship right now? What I would do is get a job with a company that has excellent health benefits and maternity leave benefits and that hopefully is one way you can meet men (either at work or through friends from work). And perhaps you can work for a few years and then take a few years off to raise children. I do think you might want to be a bit more flexible on the how many kids/how young you think you need to be especially because it sounds like then you'll put lots of pressure on yourself to find someone to marry quickly.

[PrettyGood]

I do have a boyfriend. He is 27, has a stable job, a brand new 2 room flat, an average car and no education. His only dream is just to wait till I finish studies and start living together, get marry, rise children.

 

Now, this part looks perfect, but... He lives in a countryside where I couldn't find a proper job based on my education. I should travel to work to my city 40 minutes forth and 40 minutes back by car daily. He doesn't want to relocate to my big city, because he has just took a huge loan and bought that brand new flat, so he is afraid to get lost his stable job and I don't have any better place to suggest for him to live in my city. I don't have anything of my own yet.

 

I have no idea where to start everything

[annie24]

how long have you been dating him?? it's not been a long time, has it?

 

i don't know what to say, but i think batya has a great plan. i think it's usually a good idea to further your education and pick up skills that will make you more attractive to employers. i also don't think that you can plan your life expecting that you will be married by X date to a man who will support you and the kids. i mean, i guess it is good that you know what you want, but at the same time, nothing in life is ever gauranteed so it is good to have a backup plan. in this case, finishing school, working on your career, those are all good things.

 

there's been a lot written about work/life balance for women. which is kind of funny in some ways because you never hear about the struggle to have a career and children for men.

 

some employers do have better health benefits and leave guidelines than others so i would try to find one of those firms. yes. good idea.

[abitbroken]

I do have a boyfriend. He is 27, has a stable job, a brand new 2 room flat, an average car and no education. His only dream is just to wait till I finish studies and start living together, get marry, rise children.

 

Now, this part looks perfect, but... He lives in a countryside where I couldn't find a proper job based on my education. I should travel to work to my city 40 minutes forth and 40 minutes back by car daily. He doesn't want to relocate to my big city, because he has just took a huge loan and bought that brand new flat, so he is afraid to get lost his stable job and I don't have any better place to suggest for him to live in my city. I don't have anything of my own yet.

 

I have no idea where to start everything

 

Now...weren't you with a guy who cheated on you, and a guy who you flew to visit but didn't buy you a Christmas present? if this is another new guy since Christmas - is it too soon to be changing your education/future for him? And he has no education, to boot? Does he know you well enough for settling down with you to be "his dream" = unless I am wrong and this isn't the third guy you have talked about here since the fall?

[PrettyGood]

This is a new stable good man I'm dating for 6 months. It's not long, so I'm not going to marry him right away. I'm just exploring my opportunities and chances, making some kind of draft of my life. This relationship will grow in time, but this topic is more concerning the question about my job, relocation to a new place (or not) and planning children (apparently in 2-3 years or even sooner under certain circumstances). I'm just so torn and tired by people explaining me only about my failures in past relationships and advising to choose carreer only. I want to match those things together: career and family, even if I should rise the kid alone. I just want to start living a normal life like everyone here

[Seraphim]

If you are already 29 you won't be having three kids by 32 so I would forget that right now. You won't be a young mom you will be in your 30s a young mom is like 22. You will be a mother that is an average age for her generation. Most mothers now are in their 30s when they have kids. I was a month from being 31 when I had my son and that's perfectly average.

 

I'm not sure why people have these steadfast dates and ages by which they have to do something. More often than not it doesn't work out that way. So you're going to have to readjust your thinking don't be so concrete.

 

Finish your schooling and then wait for the right guy and then have kids once you have a career and some financial stability.

[blueidealist24]

You should still spend some time on your career. Even if you have kids you may decide that you want to work part-time or even full-time outside the home. I know some mothers who went back to work even though they thought they would have been happy being stay-at-home moms, because they realized that they missed work or they wanted more money for the family than what their husband or boyfriend's salary could provide.

[todayisrough]

Aww i can definitely understand how you are feeling. I am thirty this year and only went back to Uni over a year ago. I was a caregiver for my mum until I was 27. So now with work on the side I will graduate when I am 33. Of course I want a career and a family of my own but to be honest. I don't think of that yet What will be will be! My education will always be most important to me and if I ever plan on having a family I will continue getting my degree! I would also work part time if I had children! Well that is the plan but you never know what life holds in store for you that is what makes it so exciting So don't worry about all that yet and even about where your boyfriend lives and jobs etc. It isn't there yet so no need. If you both do end up together though I would say it is probably easier for him to relocate and sell that flat than you relocating and dropping your life to be with him. But you could also compromise and take a break from your career whilst your kids are still young or you're heavily pregnant and relocate after... Like i said think about it when the time comes, no need to stress yourself out about it yet

[mylolita]

Hey there,

 

I know this is a bit of a late reply to this thread! Hope it's still open!

 

I completely understand where you're coming from. To be honest, not to play the 'boohoo I'm a woman card' but I really think women have it tougher than ever these days. The expectations on females are huge! Not only to match the salary and career of your partner, but to also fit in having a family, spending time with kids and looking gorgeous and having great sex all at the same time! Oh my god!

 

I still believe it's extremely, extremely hard to have both. In a perfect world, we'd all have amazing high flying careers and the 2.5 kids with the 4 bedroom house and the regular holidays and the perfect, attentive husband. Unfortunately, life seems to be about compromise. I think we put so much stress on ourselves to have it all.

 

To me it sounds like you need to make a choice in your own mind, regardless of where you are with a man at this time in your life. Do you want to focus on a career, or kids and working on a relationship? I think if you try to juggle both you're going to have a break down! The pressure you'll put on yourself will be too much.

 

I know many happy women who had children young and then went back to start a career in their mid 30's early 40's. I also know women who are very intelligent and career minded and have had children later on (mid 30's, late 30's) and are very happy as well.

 

I think you need to make a decision. As long as you and your partner are okay for money, there is no need for you to be pulling in a large salary if it's going to distrupt your plans of wanting to be a mother. At the end of the day, you'll have your degree under your belt and you can always use that at a later date, but biology won't wait.

 

It's your decision. Have a chat to your partner about it. Just make sure whoever you decide to have a family with, you've been with for a decent amount of time, have lived it and know they feel the same way about you. Whats worse than never having kids when you want them is having kids and both their parents split up instantly and the home life is unstable and stressful.

 

Loads of luck!

 

- Lolita x

[live4it]

I think its a mistake to live your life according to your age, afterall it is just a number. I have seen many people who are 30 and I peged them at 40 and then 60 yr old people I would not put them over the age of 35. I think you do things when it seems right and when you are able to do it. Me, I feel that I'm 4 years behind in life because I lost my job, changed proffesions and starting completely over it takes some time. i still don't feel like I am where I should be. I would not make decisions according to your age, but rather make decisions based on what is going to make you happiest and make decisions you can live with without regret.