What the hell am I supposed to do with my life?

[iamkaylee]

Time that I should come back and readdress this

 

 

Ugliness is just as subjective, of course. And when you feel as ugly as I do, the rules of subjectivity only tighten their grip - what other people think is unimportant, or even invalid. Without hyperbolising, it's often impossible for people to grasp the severity of what I experience (whether they recognise it as a mental illness or not). Not that I'd wish this on anyone else, but I suppose you'd have to experience it for yourself to fully appreciate what I'm saying. Suffice it to say, some days I just want to tear my skin off.

 

Naturally, like beauty, ugly is subjective. I can not argue with what you said here either and I do understand it. I believe that no one can truly grasp such things unless they have experienced it themselves. However, I will point out that feeling ugly is exactly that. You feel that way but that does not make it so. Not that I am minimizing or discounting your feelings, I am merely pointing out the difference here. If you want to solve this problem, you need to get some grasp on WHY you feel that way. Self-diagnosing things like BDD or kinda-sorta maybe might have diagnosis do not help you one bit. That is only enabling you to ASSUME there MIGHT be something "wrong" with you. Two iffy maybes about a negative based on very little actual evidence. That is a mess and wouldn't fly in anyone's modern court these days.

 

So, WHY do you feel the way you do? I don't need the answer to that, you do. From there, you have to decide what if anything you can do about it. We had a bit of a private conversation over that one so I won't get back into it here unless you care to expand on it.

 

 

Like the dog or the child prodigy here, I have no one to nurture or encourage my (alleged) abilities and talents. But unlike the dog or the child, no one has any responsibility of taking me by the hand (or lead) and guiding me through all of this, either. It's very, very difficult for me to believe in myself and foresee what I'm theoretically capable of, assuming I'm capable of anything at all.

 

All the responsibility is on me, naturally. Frankly, picking up some weights and moving them from A to B isn't difficult at all compared to fixing my whole life and discovering its "purpose", or whatever you want to call it.

 

Well, yes, YOU and you alone are responsible for yourself at this point. As I've said all along, YOU are the only one that can do this. You want to change the way things are now or you do not. It really is that simple. No one ever said it was easy, it isn't. But if it is worth it to you, you can find a way. Moving weights around from A to B is easy if you have the strength to do it. But, like everything else, the more you did it, the easier it became.

 

I doubt any of us here find it easy to believe in ourselves all the time. We all have doubts and setbacks. That is human nature, no one is perfect after all. What sets people apart is their willingness to work for what they want. WHAT we want is not so important. It's not the size of the dream that matters, it's the dream itself. Those who achieve are those that keep going in spite of setbacks and disappointment. Those that do not are the ones who give up because it's "too hard" or the ones that do not have the drive to even get going in the first place. The choice though, is always ultimately up to the individual.

 

If you want to discuss what you (or anyone for that matter) are potentially capable of, that is simple as well. You work to be the best you can be. You will never know your potential until you attempt to discover what that potential might be. This doesn't have to be some grand word-shaking thing either. The only one you have to compete with is yourself. If you do the best YOU can do, that is all you CAN do. Finding our own potential is striving to bring out the best in ourselves, it is not beating Tom, **** and Harry or amassing tons of fame and fortune.

 

I can't help you with finding your purpose in life. People have asked this question for centuries and still have not found the answer. There is no single answer. It is different for each and every one of us. It is your life and therefore you must find your own purpose within it. What I can tell you is that you do have a choice. You won't find your purpose or anything else by sitting in a chair wasting away. You already know what you've found that way and it is not working. You have only one life. You can either waste it or you can live it. "Get busy living or get busy dying." There is more than just some truth to that.

[Raiden]

If you want to solve this problem, you need to get some grasp on WHY you feel that way. Self-diagnosing things like BDD or kinda-sorta maybe might have diagnosis do not help you one bit. That is only enabling you to ASSUME there MIGHT be something "wrong" with you. Two iffy maybes about a negative based on very little actual evidence. That is a mess and wouldn't fly in anyone's modern court these days.

The BDD thing was a suggested concept from the last therapist I saw. It's not something I pulled out of my own ass - blame him for it. The précis is that I think I'm physically repulsive when in reality I'm not, or something. But to me, my unattractiveness is a fact that's as patently obvious as the laws of gravity.

 

Evidence? The sort of objective evidence that would convince you and others, if you happened to disagree with me? I have none. Moreover, I don't think I need that sort of convincing argument here - this isn't a legal trial, and it's something you can accept or dismiss as you please. While it would be nice if you were on the same page as I am, and I'd think you were crazy if you didn't see what I see, I've got no wish or obligation to win over people's hearts and minds on this.

 

"While do I feel this way?" seems like such a fatuous question to ask myself. Why do I think I'm a 6', 200lb, white 30-year-old with blonde hair? Why do I think the black desk that my computer sits on is black? My do I think my lawn is green? Why do I think chicken tastes like chicken? To me, they're unanswerable metaphysical questions and the preserve of classical philosophy, and have no place in any other kind of discussion.

 

I can't help you with finding your purpose in life. People have asked this question for centuries and still have not found the answer. There is no single answer. It is different for each and every one of us. It is your life and therefore you must find your own purpose within it. What I can tell you is that you do have a choice. You won't find your purpose or anything else by sitting in a chair wasting away. You already know what you've found that way and it is not working. You have only one life. You can either waste it or you can live it. "Get busy living or get busy dying." There is more than just some truth to that.

I guess it would be nice if I had some... guidance. It's all very well telling me I need to find my own purpose in life, but I still haven't figured that part out. I don't think it's an unreasonable thing to ask for - even if some complete strangers on an internet forum might be unable to help. I think I missed out on having some kind of older "mentor" when I was younger. My parents were too busy squabbling with each other to notice that their only son was developing into an unsociable, directionless weirdo.

 

Yes, I'm blaming something, before someone jumps on my post and informs me that that's what I'm doing. I'll never dismiss, or relegate my own responsibility or the mistakes I've made, but it's foolish to say every facet of our personalities are forged by ourselves and ourselves alone, and we're in 100% control of everything in our lives. I don't subscribe to the absolutism of free will. Whether we like it or not, we're influenced by others around us, especially when we're children and teenagers.

[agent1607307371]

Most people don't have a purpose being going to work so they can live at a level they want. It's sad, but it's the truth, and it beats the alternative.

[Raiden]

Most people don't have a purpose being going to work so they can live at a level they want.

Well, that's a purpose.

 

Let's not get bogged down with what's meant by "purpose", here. Words are shortcuts to bigger ideas, which save time instead of explaining concepts which others have already assimilated. But for the record, I certainly don't mean "purpose" in any kind of spiritual, ethereal sense.

[iamkaylee]

I am well aware of what BDD is and quite frankly, I think it's one of the crappiest things out there someone can have. Evidence, my dear is simple. It may have been suggested, but you have not been officially diagnosed with it. Therefore, all I am saying is don't get yourself hooked into thinking there "might" be something "wrong" with you like BDD. If you had been diagnosed, I'd be telling you to get your arse back to your therapist In any case, a diagnosis or not of anything is not the real issue here.

 

You don't need to win anyone over to your side here either. It doesn't matter one whit what I or anyone else might think or believe. Your feelings are your feelings. They are not wrong nor are they right. They just ARE. I understand you feel the way you do about yourself and I'm not discounting, minimizing or sluffing that off. I respect it. I would however, like you to think about why you feel that way. Please.

 

Yes, WHY do you feel that way. Don't try to dodge it with some philosophical mumbo jumbo. I could beat you all to hell and gone with mumbo jumbo. This is NOT some unanswerable question, this is a matter of you looking inward at yourself. There is a REASON why you feel the way you do about yourself. You may not want to believe that or face up to it, but it IS there and you are the only one that can discover that.

 

 

 

 

NOW we're getting somewhere again. THAT is looking at what WAS to find out what IS now. Keep looking, you may find some answers.

 

 

 

Nothing you said here is arguable. Blame, however, is a time and energy waster. This isn't about blame. But, if you wish to take that direction, yes you can blame your parents for some things. They spent too much time squabbling and didn't notice that they'd pretty much tossed you out to find things out on your own. You can blame them for that. But! You can ONLY blame yourself for not changing things now. I think you know that full well though and your real problem is that you simply don't know how. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

 

Guidance..... very well, I will make an attempt but you must do the work. Guidance is a tiller, nothing more. Unless you steer, you'll go in circles or become stagnant.

 

What do you enjoy? Not nonsense like watching television either. What gives you some sense of self satisfaction? Joy? Passion? Can't find anything? What was your dream as a child? Favorite past time? If you could be anything you wanted to be or do anything you wanted to do, what would it be?

[Raiden]

I appreciate that people have lives outside of eNotAlone and a limited amount of time they can spend answering threads, and I deeply respect the fact that I'm not the only person asking for input and assistance... but seriously, don't belittle people's interests and thoughts as "nonsense" and "mumbo jumbo". Don't misunderstand, it doesn't undo any of the kind and helpful things you have said, but only the other day you complimented me on my propensity for intelligent thought in a PM - now you're brushing that observation under the carpet in the name of getting your point accross. Anyone who wasn't forgiving or perceptive would say that it reeks of insincerity. What people say is important to me, and so I pay attention to what they're saying.

 

I started out this thread with a long lost of things that are wrong in my life. I'm not going back on anything I've said. I'm a mess. But when you discourage things which interest me but which you simply don't have time for, and instead recommend I spend my time in the way you think is best, it kind of conflicts with everything you've said about "being the best person I can be". Not that I'm assuming anything or expecting you to fill the role, but just as a passing point of interest, the mentor-student relationship is as much about mutual respect as it is about the student absorbing the mentor's knowledge and wisdom. I'm no one's "project", nor is every thought and interest of mine a product of some kind of deep-rooted insecurity that needs to be hammered out. Among other things, I like films, I like certain TV shows, and I like philosophy. I'm not an expert in any of these things, and I don't suppose I could write encyclopedias on them, but I enjoy them. Accept it.

 

I'm not being evasive when I don't answer the "Why do I feel this way?" question. Not deliberately, anyway. I'm not being stubborn. I really do think it's an unanswerable question. Trying to address it with introspective thought always leads me back to square one, swiftly. Like I said, in my mind it's a blatantly obvious fact that I'm ugly. I might be asking a lot, and I'm aware that it might terminate any further conversation between us, but this is something else you're going to have to accept about me.

 

It's very hard to think about what I want to do with my life. To figure that out, I need to discover what I'm good at. Writing is something I've had an on-again/off-again relationship with for a long time. I love film and care about it as an art form. These things considered, it's easy to say I'd like to write a screenplay for an (ideally, successful) movie or TV miniseries, but that's a fanciful goal. I need to start much, much smaller. To start ANYWHERE with it, I have to undo nearly 20 years of not being able to take initial baby steps. Do you see what my problem is with this?

[iamkaylee]

We're still getting somewhere

 

Before I continue though, I ought to make myself a bit more clear since it appears I upset you. First, I will apologize for that, it was not intended. let me also state that I have nothing but respect for anyone that has the courage to come on an open forum like this one and lay out their life's troubles for all to see as you have done.

 

Now then, yes, I absolutely think you would make a good philosopher and I am certainly not brushing anything aside in that regard nor am I belittling your interests. Your interest in, and capacity for it, was quite obvious to me from the start of our conversation, which is one of the reasons why I mentioned it. If fact, I would encourage you to explore that option if you decide at some point that you can continue your education.

 

My point, with the reference to mumbo jumbo, was to get you to use that amazing propensity for deep thought and explore a few things about yourself. Not everything I ask requires an answer, most in fact do not. I ask only so you may try to find the answers for yourself. You addressed that partially already, and if you keep going in circles, you keep going in circles. "I don't know" IS an answer.

 

I fully accept that you believe you are ugly. As I said, your feelings are your feelings, not right, nor wrong, they simply ARE. My opinion to your physical looks is irrelevant and I could not give one anyway. I already gave you a partial opinion as to the depth of your character. THAT particular question is the one I was referring to.

 

Simply put, this is not about your looks, this is about why you're stuck where you are right now. So I will ask again, WHY do you feel the way you do about yourself? WHY do you think you are you are stuck and unable to take those first baby steps? And, I will reiterate, I don't need this answer, you do. Until you can find that answer, you are liable to stay stuck.

 

I asked, what do you enjoy. Often times, the things we are good at ARE those things we enjoy. The reason I said no nonsense like watching TV, is because enjoying watching TV will not help you with where you are. I believe you did in fact, get my meaning. You enjoy film for the art form. This is good! You write off and on and would like to write a screenplay some day. This is better! It is not a fanciful goal. At this point, perhaps, but in time, this is a goal you could achieve.

 

Yes, my dear, I do see your problem with this. But, do you also see that you are taking those first baby steps?

[Raiden]

My point, with the reference to mumbo jumbo, was to get you to use that amazing propensity for deep thought and explore a few things about yourself. Not everything I ask requires an answer, most in fact do not. I ask only so you may try to find the answers for yourself. You addressed that partially already, and if you keep going in circles, you keep going in circles. "I don't know" IS an answer..

You keep asking me the same question, though, even if it's worded a little differently each time. I'm not being antagonistic, here, but obviously you have some interest in what I found if I dug deeper, otherwise you wouldn't be forcing the issue.

 

Not that your question is without merit or anything. "Why?" is a sensible thing to ask, given everything I've told you about. But I've also given you the "I don't know" answer previously, but you seem unsatisfied with it, even if you insist it's for my own benefit if I came up with something else. Really, I don't know why I feel this way. I don't know why chicken tastes like chicken or the grass is green, either, beyond the 'simple' sensory mechanics that allow us to experience such phenomena. The brain and its emergent consciousness are a much more mysterious thing which science has yet to fully unravel.

 

By the way. Why some people with the same kind of feelings and history as mine - or worse - are able to live normal, happy, fulfilling lives is equally mysterious, from a cerebral point of view. I'm not singling myself out on this.

 

Simply put, this is not about your looks, this is about why you're stuck where you are right now.

Ok, it's time for me to ask a question of my own: What makes you so sure of this?

 

The answer isn't compulsory. It's understandable if you don't want to go back and re-read this behemoth of a thread. But I'm open to suggestions, if you're clued up. Speculate if you must. If you're convinced that my looks or un-looks aren't what's holding me back, what else do you think it is, based on everything I've said?

 

Yes, my dear, I do see your problem with this. But, do you also see that you are taking those first baby steps?

Not really, no. Unless you consider taking the first baby step over and over and over in an infinite loop "progress".

[bulletproof]

To start ANYWHERE with it, I have to undo nearly 20 years of not being able to take initial baby steps. Do you see what my problem is with this?

 

I don't know if I agree you have to undo 20 years. Sometimes change can be very significant and happen quickly, if you have the right guidance and are at such a low point that you start to feel motivated.

 

Forgive me if this has been addressed already in this thread, but have you ever tried any medication? There are many people I've known over the years who swear that they couldn't take the first step to change their lives until they started taking medication to give them that push. I think your case is extreme, and could really benefit from some kind of medicinal help.

 

I think you may not realize it, but even making a comprehensive list as you have here is a step towards sorting it all out. Admitting that you have real problems is another step you have taken. You are not so far gone that you don't realize something is very wrong, and I also think that somewhere inside of you, you think it's possible to make things better, else you wouldn't search the internet for support. Those are all very good signs, in my opinion.

[bulletproof]

If you're convinced that my looks or un-looks aren't what's holding me back, what else do you think it is, based on everything I've said?

 

I know you're not asking me this, but I feel I can weigh in. There are two parts to my answer. One, is that plenty of people in the world are average-looking and manage to live perfectly acceptable and exceptional lives. Two, all of the things you listed (possible BDD, social anxiety, what sounds like agoraphobia, medical issues, lack of social/family support, lack of education, etc.) are things that could potentially hold *anyone* back, completely irrelevant of looks.

[Raiden]

You are not so far gone that you don't realize something is very wrong

I'm sure this is a well-meant sentiment, and I appreciate the input. But realising what a mess I am is hardly an achievement. If we're counting micro-babysteps as "progress", then I might as well feel proud of myself for brushing my teeth, eating and not defecating in my underwear instead of using the toilet.

 

I'm not being cynical. I just don't think everything qualifies as an appreciable step in the right direction. They don't FEEL remotely significant, at least.

 

plenty of people in the world are average-looking and manage to live perfectly acceptable and exceptional lives

I can't get bogged down with this. I don't dispute what you're saying, but the "Other people do X so why can't I?" question is demotivational when I don't have an answer for it, besides the reasons I've already gone over. I'm not in competition with anyone else, and my problems are my problems which must be addressed on a personalised basis (whether by figuring things out of myself, or with the help of anyone else).

 

I'm not defending my problems as if they're sacred to me - I'd rather not have them at all, for the record. Again, I'm sure you meant well, and I thank you for taking the time to respond. But this isn't a "one size fits all" issue, even if someone else might be motivated by this statement.

[Capricorn3]

my problems are my problems which must be addressed on a personalised basis (whether by figuring things out of myself, or with the help of anyone else)

That is the key to it all. What are you doing to address your problems, either on a personal basis, or seeking professional help? Have you done any of that yet?

[puresoul]

It is life which is one of wonderful gifts of God. We all should make the best use of it. We should think of good things. We can make our life more successful by doing good works for the society.

[Raiden]

That is the key to it all. What are you doing to address your problems, either on a personal basis, or seeking professional help? Have you done any of that yet?

Had you been reading, you'd know about my history with "professional help", and you'd at least get a rough idea about what's interfering with my ability to dig myself out of this. I hate lecturing others on forum etiquette, especially when peoples' hearts are in the right place, but if you're interested in what's being posted and you're not just responding for the sake of responding, don't jump on one sentence of the latest post as if the last several pages of a thread have been meaningless words on a screen. I appreciate there's a lot to read, but still... I'll never understand why people don't read threads.

 

Having said that, if you're up to speed but there's still some confusion, just say so. It's possible there are a few gaps that need filling in, if you're inquisitive. But what you're asking me about (or asking me to ask myself about) isn't one of them.

[Capricorn3]

Ouch. Nice ....

 

Actually, I did read. I remember your words where you said you "know you need professional help, but you don't want it and you are loathe talking about your problems with a complete stranger". I think that's where the problem lies as I feel professional help would be very beneficial to you. I won't say anymore as clearly it is not wanted. Hopefully others can be of more help to you. Good luck.

[Raiden]

I won't say anymore as clearly it is not wanted.

You come accross as quite passive aggressive. You really do.

 

I never said any further input isn't wanted. And now that you've rephrased your words, what you're saying does make a little more sense. I even agree with you. Not being able to get professional help -for whatever reason - does present a problem. It's not like I can get help with this in the meantime. It's a bit of a "Doctor, I need to see a doctor!" situation.

 

Like I said, I'm not comfortable opening up outside of internet forums. Aside from my own feelings about it, out of all the counselors, therapists and shrinks I've seen, not one of them have I felt any "bond" with. Anyone who has sought professional help over a psychological condition of any kind will know what I'm talking about, here. There's nothing worse than having to confabulate with someone you don't like, let alone divulge your deepest thoughts and feelings with them. Based on my own experiences, I find these people awkward, strident and (perhaps worst of all) insincere. I've never got the impression any of them really give a **** about what I'm telling them.

[Capricorn3]

You come accross as quite passive aggressive. You really do..

I'm sorry you feel that way. It wasn't meant to come accross that way.

 

Wish you well and I hope you find what you are looking for.

[bulletproof]

But realising what a mess I am is hardly an achievement.

I'm not sure I'm saying it is an achievement. Just that recognizing you personally have issues, and that it's not everyone else, and also what those issues specifically are, is usually the first step to finding solutions.

 

I don't dispute what you're saying, but the "Other people do X so why can't I?" question is demotivational when I don't have an answer for it, besides the reasons I've already gone over. I'm not in competition with anyone else, and my problems are my problems which must be addressed on a personalised basis (whether by figuring things out of myself, or with the help of anyone else).

 

It wasn't intended to be motivational, simply to point out the flaw in the logic. You are right not to be in competition with everyone else. I definitely don't think that if other people can do something, that means you can. Clearly, from what you've said here, you cannot. But that leads back to my first question: have you tried any medication to help you actually do the things you need to do? I realize this may fall into the realm of the "professional help" that you have not had positive experiences with so far. Understand that sometimes it takes years to find the right therapist. I also wonder if you could search for someone that is less talk therapy and more congnitive-behavioral. That way, you are not spending time talking endlessly and feeling that you're not being heard, but instead taking action with the assistance of a therapist.

 

It would be a shame if there was a drug out there that could possibly help you to get started making the life you want, yet you never explore that option.

[Raiden]

I also wonder if you could search for someone that is less talk therapy and more congnitive-behavioral. That way, you are not spending time talking endlessly and feeling that you're not being heard, but instead taking action with the assistance of a therapist.

CBT was something I tried, unsuccessfully.

 

It basically amounted to being bossed around and told to do certain 'tasks' like going out for a walk around the block, with a lack of understanding on the therapist's part as to why I was unable to do such things. If I could do them, then I wouldn't need CBT.

 

Admittedly, it was a "Six of one..." situation. I appreciate that the whole point of CBT is to slowly ease people into living a normal life through a more practical approach, but I wasn't ready for it. And I'm still not ready for it.