Evaluating the risk of dating

[bebeblondie]

So I often talk to my best friend's mom about men and relationships, she always seems to be pretty insightful and honest on the matter and that's why I trust her opinion for the most part. Anyway, we recently had a discussion about dating and not wasting your time. I was in a situation where I was seeing somebody, and basically he brought up the "where is this going"conversation, and ended up telling he preferred to keep things light. My initial reaction was to break it off with him, however my best friend's mom advised against doing that if I was really into him. Her reasoning was his feelings can change, and if you give up now you'll never know what could've been. Also a little background on me, I date but have had very relationships in my life, while I am pretty physically attractive I don't really have luck in the dating department, so it's not like I have guys lined up for me (maybe for first dates, but very few wind being second dates). So I thought about what she said and realized my options were to continue seeing this guy (who despite the conversation we had did treat me well, take me out every weekend, and contact me everyday), or be alone. Yes, I admit there's huge risk involved, because I could develop feelings for him and they may not be returned, but if I dismiss every guy who in the beginning says he's not looking to get serious right away, I may wind up being single forever. And isn't taking a risk, part of dating?

 

I just thought this can be a friendly debate, since I know there's a lot of ENA members who would say break it off with this guy, it's not worth the risk, but if you think about it dating in general is a risk, there are some people out there who will lie to you about what they want in order to get you into bed or whatever and then disappear, you never know...dating is a risk.

 

Also I just used the above as an example I am not asking for opinions on that particular situation, as it is no longer an issue in my life.

 

So would just love to know where you guys stand on this issue. Thanks!

[Edmund Exley]

You said it perfect. Dating is a risk, but the other option to dating is being alone forever. You cant find a lifelong relationship without dating. The trick is not to assume every relationship is going to be that lifelong one you search for.

[bebeblondie]

The trick is not to assume every relationship is going to be that lifelong one you search for.

 

Right, but we're often told that if you're looking for a serious relationship, don't waste your time with someone who might not be.

[rocko123]

Sure, its a risk. Love and romance always are, even in relationships that have spanned decades. Maybe that risk goes down the more you get to know someone but it doesn't go away so long as you are still investing a piece of your heart in it.

 

"Serious relationship" people often make the mistake of always looking for a serious relationship. That was me for the better part of a year and I ended up getting hurt a lot. I'll never be a serial dater but I have learned to go in for the experience instead of expecting an outcome. Sure, I might meet someone who warrants a deeper look (actually, I may have already met someone but we'll see) but even that can only be taken so seriously because the truth of the matter is that most relationships end due to incompatibility. I'm not cynical or jaded about it, just prefer to focus on the fun aspects of getting to know someone and keep my radar on for any deal-breakers that signal a reason to move on.

 

And I tend to agree with your friend. He may not be ready now for something long term but if you enjoy his presence and he's made the cut in other ways so far, what's the harm in continuing to see him?

[bebeblondie]

I'm not cynical or jaded about it, just prefer to focus on the fun aspects of getting to know someone and keep my radar on for any deal-breakers that signal a reason to move on.

 

And I tend to agree with your friend. He may not be ready now for something long term but if you enjoy his presence and he's made the cut in other ways so far, what's the harm in continuing to see him?

 

I agree, whatever happened to focusing on the fun part of dating? When I first started seeing this guy I was so worried about what exactly he wanted and what he was looking for, that I wasn't actually able to just enjoy the dating process, and ended up sabatoging the relationship. Luckily, he didn't give up even though I tried (which says somethign about him) so I have continued to see him and things are much better now, because I'm just enjoying it and taking it day by day.

 

I used to be the complete opposite, if the guy wasn't looking for exactly the same thing I was, I would end it. Well that hasn't worked for me, so now I'm trying this new attitude we're I'm just going to enjoy whatever comes my way.

 

I also believe the reason my friend's mom is of this belief is because her husband of 40 years, also didn't want a serious relationship when he met her, it was the last thing he wanted. Well, they now have the healthiest marriage of any couple people I know!

[Edmund Exley]

Right, but we're often told that if you're looking for a serious relationship, don't waste your time with someone who might not be.

 

Thats part of the risk, sorting those people out.

[oldenoughtoknow]

He said he's not in for something serious. I guess to him, that means he treats you well, takes you out every weekend, and contacts you everyday. It sounds like you're okay with that, at least so far. If you're looking for more, you can take your best friend's mom's advise and continue to see him. But if you want more, I would also look for signs that he's upping the ante, at least from time to time. If everything stays as is, you have to decide whether what you're getting is enough for you. Sometimes, words speak the truth. And if you're spending all of your time on a train that's going nowhere, you'll miss the train that is going your direction.

[bebeblondie]

He said he's not in for something serious. I guess to him, that means he treats you well, takes you out every weekend, and contacts you everyday. It sounds like you're okay with that, at least so far. If you're looking for more, you can take your best friend's mom's advise and continue to see him. But if you want more, I would also look for signs that he's upping the ante, at least from time to time. If everything stays as is, you have to decide whether what you're getting is enough for you. Sometimes, words speak the truth. And if you're spending all of your time on a train that's going nowhere, you'll miss the train that is going your direction.

 

The thing is in the past, I've met guys who said they are looking for something serious and they would contact me sporadically, rarely see me on weekends, and barely take me out for anything more than a drink. This guy puts a lot of thought into our dates which I appreciate, he always takes me out with the exception of last night, we stayed in because he had a big tragedy in his immediate family this week and I don't think he was up for going out, plus it was Easter Sunday so not much was open in the first place.

 

So its kinda like I rather the guy who treats me well, who says he's not sure if he wants anything serious, rather than the guys who treat me like crap, and claim to want something serious.

[oldenoughtoknow]

The thing is in the past, I've met guys who said they are looking for something serious and they would contact me sporadically, rarely see me on weekends, and barely take me out for anything more than a drink. This guy puts a lot of thought into our dates which I appreciate, he always takes me out with the exception of last night, we stayed in because he had a big tragedy in his immediate family this week and I don't think he was up for going out, plus it was Easter Sunday so not much was open in the first place.

 

So its kinda like I rather the guy who treats me well, who says he's not sure if he wants anything serious, rather than the guys who treat me like crap, and claim to want something serious.

 

Maybe you finally found an honest guy who doesn't treat you like crap. I'm guessing the guys who've said they want something serious and treat you like crap are only looking for one thing, and it's far from something serious.

 

If this guy feels different, go with your gut. You know, in certain situations, it's okay to allow yourself to be happy.

[bebeblondie]

Maybe you finally found an honest guy who doesn't treat you like crap. I'm guessing the guys who've said they want something serious and treat you like crap are only looking for one thing, and it's far from something serious.

 

If this guy feels different, go with your gut. You know, in certain situations, it's okay to allow yourself to be happy.

 

My thoughts exactly!

[Cherry009]

I guess you haveto put a time limit on it. If its quite new and exciting then i guess you dont mind calling it 'taking it slow' but if this goes on for months and months and your arent growing closer then i guess at some point you would have to cut it off as like someone else said...you could be missing out on someone who does want u seriously

[Batya33]

It wouldn't have been fun for me at all to go on dates with someone I was into who had already told me he wasn't looking for anything serious. I'd have felt like I was auditioning to be his girlfriend/change his mind, wondering how many other women he was pursuing when he wasn't with me (I was ok with not being exclusive right away,of course, as long as we had the same general goals), etc. I knew I'd have much more fun doing all those date activities on my own or with a friend.

 

If it's still fun for you to spend time with someone who has already told you he doesn't have serious intentions in general or specifically, then go for it - but don't lie to yourself.

 

I'd also worry about the risk of getting jaded/cynical if after "auditioning" he feels exactly the same way -except that now you're attached.

 

I bet when your mom's friend met her future husband they were very young -which is a more understandable time of life to be unsure about getting too serious.

[Throwaway999]

You didn't say how long you've been dating, and we also don't know his motivations for wanting to keep it casual, so it is kind of hard to judge. Three months, six months, a year - kind of changes the perspective depending on the time. And does he want to keep it casual because he just got out of a long relationship, or because he's never HAD a long relationship, and wants to keep it that way, or what?

 

But yea, it is a risk. I'd still say the risk is worth taking rather, than resigning yourself to a life of loneliness prior to embracing the peace of an early grave!

[bebeblondie]

 

I bet when your mom's friend met her future husband they were very young -which is a more understandable time of life to be unsure about getting too serious.

 

Actually her husband was in his mid thirties she was in her mid twenties

[bebeblondie]

You didn't say how long you've been dating, and we also don't know his motivations for wanting to keep it casual, so it is kind of hard to judge. Three months, six months, a year - kind of changes the perspective depending on the time. And does he want to keep it casual because he just got out of a long relationship, or because he's never HAD a long relationship, and wants to keep it that way, or what?

 

But yea, it is a risk. I'd still say the risk is worth taking rather, than resigning yourself to a life of loneliness prior to embracing the peace of an early grave!

 

We've only been dating less than 2 months so its still pretty much the beginning. I do know he's had several serious relationships which ended pretty badly, and he was very hurt. We met through close friends so that's how I know.

[Blue Spiral]

Dating is a risk.

 

I have never done it.

 

I can't say that I regret it. It doesn't sound enjoyable, I've saved a lot of time and money, and I've experienced enough rejection as it is, I don't need to add more. Given the horror stories I've heard on ENA and from guys I know, I'm glad to be in such good shape.

[Batya33]

Actually her husband was in his mid thirties she was in her mid twenties

 

If I had been in my mid-20s I probably would have stuck it out for a short period of time. When I was in my early 20s I had a first date where the guy, also early 20s, told me he definitely didn't want to marry until he was at least 30 (which didn't work for me at that time). I kept dating him and he proposed to me when he was 26 - I turned him down and we broke up. He ended up not getting married until he was in his early 40s -to a man. In my case, yes he did change his mind, no I didn't mind waiting around because I was so young (his eventual change of sexual orientation isn't meant to make much of a point here, it was just pretty ironic of course). It also took him over 6 months to want to be exclusive. Again, depends I think on where you are in life. I don't regret that choice but if I had been 10 years older I would have.

[NorthDallas40]

I'd say continue dating him "unseriously" as long as he treats you right and it's fun... but keep your options open.

 

Date other people if you wish.

 

And if first guy complains, remind him that there's an easy way to keep you all to himself.

 

But until he commits more seriously, that you'll do what you please!

[itsallgrand]

this may sound like a cheating answer, but it really does depend on the person IMO.

 

You need to know yourself well enough to know what risks are worth it to you, and which are not. What kind of ambiguity feels good to you, and what makes you start feeling neurotic. lol.

 

It can even differ with one person, within their lifetime. For a long time, I was comfortable dating and 'just see what happens'. I specifically was not looking to get into relationships. Some 'found' me, and I was open to those when they came (because of the particular person). If nobody had been open to dating me without 'seeing what happens', I would never had dated nor gotten into relationships.

 

Everyone has their own particular comfort zone, and its from there that the 'risks' actually can be said to happen. As an example: for me, lightly dating was never 'risky'. Getting into a relationship and seeing someone looking for something serious? That seemed 'risky' territory to me. A friend of mine knew in her early twenties she wanted marriage and children - and lightly dating, if someone said they weren't looking for something serious, she saw as high risk.

 

Dating a lot of different people and being open to different experiences is great and positive, IMO, when you are starting out. Lets you know what is out there and more about what you want, too (if you haven't totally figured it out, which some people do very early, and more power to them).