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Stuck in limbo


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I have been seeing a guy since last June. He pursued me for about 3 months beforehand but I thought he was being too full on as he had a girlfriend (I work with him at a job in my hometown when I have university holidays).


Anyway, when it came to June he was still chasing me and was now single. I was happy to just see what happened as I wasn't really looking for anything either. It started off really slow and I started to really like him, as I realised all the 'talk' was just a mask, and he's actually quite shy and self-conscious. After a few weeks he ditched me saying he didn't want to hurt me, but I found out it was because his ex got back in contact and during the couple of days he refused to make up with me, and ended up sleeping with her. After I found out I was livid, and then he still tried to come back to me. Stupidly, I let him but didn't sleep with him as I knew he was sleeping with his ex (like every 2 weeks or something). Eventually in August, we ended up having a massive heart to heart where I saw a different side of him. He told me he wants nothing more to do with his ex, and explained that that year he had a breakdown as him and his ex had a miscarriage, and he ended up cheating on her and not being able to cope with the loss. He ended up in therapy and was a mess, and that was why his behaviour was so erratic. He told me he wanted nothing more to do with his ex as she was too controlling and part of the reason he'd been depressed. He said he had feelings for me and wanted to see where it went, so from then on we ended up officially seeing each other. His ex kept trying to get back in his life, trying to blackmail him, ringing 17 times a day etc but he didn't let her in and I could see the change in his personality from being happy with me.


When the time came for me to go back to uni we agreed I'd come back every weekend to see him. However, once I had been gone a couple of days he suddenly changed, and when I came back for the first weekend he refused to see me and was cold with me. He ended it with me and asked to just be friends but I was too heartbroken, especially after investing so much in him emotionally. We ended up becoming friends again after a couple weeks as he kept making the effort to speak to me daily, but despite his efforts he was still off with me and wouldn't see me when I came home. Even though he would refuse to see me, he'd end up changing his mind and we'd sleep together. I would be there for him with every problem, but he wouldn't be the same for me. I knew he was also talking to a lot of other girls, which would worry me, but he told me he was only getting with me, which I believe because he's never lied, he's always honest despite how hurtful it can be.


After a while I decided I couldn't take the back and forth, and asked him if it's me he wants when he's ready for a relationship again. He said he didn't know, and asked for time to think. We met up a week or two later and he said he'd rather just be friends with nothing else, so I said I didn't want a friendship, and explained how he had mentally worn me down with his back and forth mood swings. I went away to China after that, and as soon as I came back to the country he got in contact within 10 mins of me landing, and explained how much he had missed me, and time without me made him see the error of his ways, he missed me too much.


So since then things have been great. However, he's said he doesn't have feelings for me like it'll develop into a relationship, but we've agreed for now we're happy with each other. He's said he's attracted to me, that he has feelings but nothing more. But he tells me he loves me, and I know he means it. He goes out of his way to do so much for me, and we're there for each other mentally. We talk all day every day, Skype pretty much every night, when I'm home we spend days together, not just having sex but going to the cinema or out for food or hanging out at home, and he comes and spends weekends with me. I feel like we're emotionally together but recently after each perfect day we spend together I've found myself falling for him more, but I can't shake the reminder that one day he might find someone he likes more. Do I call it quits or ignore my feelings and carry on as we are?

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He has treated you and his ex very disrespectfully and he has apologized and said he would change but then disrespected you again.

I wouldn't risk falling in love with him again, it seems like he is using you as an option until he finds someone better. You should cut off all contact with him. I dont think he trully loves you because if he did he wouldnt treat you this way, ever.

Goodluck, and remember there are guys out there that will treat you right, he is definitely not worth it.

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So since then things have been great. However, he's said he doesn't have feelings for me like it'll develop into a relationship, but we've agreed for now we're happy with each other. He's said he's attracted to me, that he has feelings but nothing more. But he tells me he loves me, and I know he means it.


First he says he has 'feelings' for you, but not more, but then he says he loves you?!?! sorry, this is all sorts of messed up. I'd back away. He's sending you very confusing mixed signals. i would not carry on.

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Thing is I'm not sure if I'm not sure if he wants me, but because of how mentally draining his past relationship was whether he is worried about being in another one. Not only is he the guy I'm seeing but we've become best friends too. I know we're way more than just FWB because we do all the things people in a relationship do. But he won't even class us as 'seeing each other', just 'really close friends'. He has changed VAST amounts since the beginning, he has no contact with his ex, he doesn't creep on other girls now and he is completely honest all the time. I know saying he loves me is confusing, but his actions shows he means it, and I know he misses me when I'm away because he makes a huge effort to come and see me. I don't know if he's unsure because I finish uni soon and he doesn't know if I'm going to hang around. He gets really annoyed if I mention other guys and changes the subject, so he obvious gets jealous. But I don't know if I'm still kidding myself....

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If he saw long term potential but wasn't ready yet do you really think he'd risk you getting the wrong impression from his behavior (i.e. he's willing to have intercourse with you and be physically close but "not ready" to commit to you) - what I think he would do is respectfully keep his distance and tell you that when he's ready he'd hope you were still available but that he didn't want to complicate things with all the gray areas that are part of hanging out and hooking up with someone you used to be involved with and who wants more. Also if you're comfortable having intercourse with him then you should be comfortable asking him straight up "what are your intentions" -and if his intentions are long term he will want you to know that ASAP. We all have past relationships (well once we're adults, most likely) that give us concerns about getting involved again.


When we meet someone we're really into either we choose to get over the fear or choose to wait until we're ready and hope that person will be ready at that time. My guess is he's flattered that you're into him, you're available to play at being a couple so you're Ms. Right Now. You'll know where you stand with him by asking him but think about what I wrote about why he'd behave this way if he truly saw potential. I think you can do better (and I'd stop analyzing this much or trying to be his therapist). Date a person not a project.

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I agree that you're "kidding yourself". He has made all of the decisions, called all the shots, slept with you and anyone else he wants to, and has you believing you're "more than friends" even though he out loud doesn't call you more than a friend and has no respect for you (or the women in his life in general).

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Ok so he acts like he's in a relationship but doesn't want the commitment...? Sounds like he's just getting a piece of booty to be honest. He's giving enough of what you want to keep you interested but has no intention of ever being with you. Must be good sex. lol

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