Is it all roses for the Dumper with the new person?

[sportsguy9981]

Im curious to know if its all roses for the dumper when they meet the new person, leave a long term relationship and enter into a new one with somebody else. The sex with someone new is probably amazing for my ex, and yet I havent been with anybody new in 5 1/2 months.. when I think of how it must be sexually for her I feel even more depressed and very very sad and extremely heartbroken. But I guess if I wanted sex its easy to find. To me its more then sex, its going to bed alone at night and having thoughts of her with somebody else in my head wondering if everything's just perfect for her now.... while I lay there alone and miserable. Its hard to accept that you are no longer wanted, it settles in more after 6 months. When you're rejected like that after being so invested in somebody it does a number on your self confidence and you are lonely alot.

For the dumpers, has it been all roses for you since you got involved with somebody else? Because im feeling that I'm still hurt over somebody who was never there to begin with the last year, and is now having the time of her life with Mr Perfect. It stings and I feel miserable knowing some other guy replaced me and I dont know how long this feeling will last, and in the back of my mind she is progressing and better then ever... what a feeling to be stepped over like that in order for her to feel like she advanced. Meanwhile Im miserable, not knowing what to do and lonely.

[Edmund Exley]

I cant think of any relationship for anyone that is all roses. The sex may be horrible for all you know. And I hardly doubt he is perfect.

 

Stop focusing on what life is like for her now. Thats what is causing your pain. You're romanticizing her new life instead of focusing on your own.

 

She isnt lonely because she chose to not be lonely and let a new person in. You should try doing the same.

[John John]

Hey bud. My situation is different from yours in that I wasn't left for anyone else. My understanding is that my ex just lost feelings for me and wanted to be single for a while (she was with me since she was 22, and wanted to finish her Phd).

 

But I do know she wants to date and get laid. And it does anger me to think of her with another guy. I've slept with two women since we broke up, but right after (each time), I found myself wondering who she was screwing and her not feeling guilty about it (like I did, a little).

 

My guess is this...if you treated her well (and I know you did, as I did my ex) and were with her for a long time...even if she's with a new guy, as the honeymoon phase starts to end (I believe it lasts like 6 months to a year), they will start to wonder. Maybe even sooner. Right now, their new lover is new, exciting, maybe even "perfect." But given that we both had very long, viable, and loving relationships with our exes, it's not like they can just forget about us. Even if their "in love" feelings are gone, I do imagine they will have regrets and question their decision, even if only occassionaly.

 

The only sucky part is that we usually don't get the satisfcation of knowing their doubts in the their decision. So all I'm doing is focusing on improving myself in every possible way. That way, in case I ever run into her (I made eye contact with her a month ago, then just looked away) and she sees how awesome I'm looking and doing, it will make her think.

 

Hang in there pal. I can tell you're a good guy with a lot of love to give. Your ex doesn't deserve you at all.

[Fraggle]

Its probably what our damaged egos think, worst case scenario, and they're so much better than us probably....

 

Who cares at the end of the day, we have to carry on regardless.

 

No it isn't going to be a bed of roses in most instances, there may be a honeymoon period when its all "lovely" but invariably it doesn't last long, although there are of course exceptions to the rule.

 

Forget them and their "perfect" partner. Invariably even if the relationship wasn't good they wouldn't say so on FB or any other media... so you're cannot tell.

 

Worry about you you and you right now. If they're happy then oh goodie for them. Maybe its a rebound, maybe it isn't....

 

Brain goes into overdrive, but I'm getting to the stage where so what if you're home and alone and healing whilst they're out galavanting... c'est la vie (now listen to your own advice Frag!!!)

 

: )

[stranger88]

Just maintain No Contact and let her wonder about you.

 

Even if she is happy, who cares? I don't wish unhappyness on anyone, its not hurting you

[markie6]

Well the truth might sting a little but it needs saying to anybody who has forgotten what the honeymoon period is like, if there is to be a rosey time, then this will be it. There either is somebody new, or there will be soon and that's going to hurt. The focus at this point in time needs to be solely on us, getting our life back on track.

 

Have people really forgotten how the honeymoon period is , or are unaware what it's like to be free and happy ? This is how the dumper feels ( yes there are exceptions and the bu circumstances ) and any attempt to stop them from having fun, will not help at all.

 

Of course this period probably will end at some point, they may find the grass wasn't as green or their freedom wasn't truly what they wanted but if they reappear at some point in the future, they need to see the best of you , the best you can be if anything is ever going to happen the way you might hope. If they find you upset, bitter, jaded , looking a mess or life is a shambles, it's not going to help your cause

 

If you use their honeymoon period, to better yourself..for yourself then you will benefit whether they return or not. Its win / win

 

People have to take the blinkers off , see the situation as it is and truly accept, they might not return and getting your life in order is now your top priority , not pinning your hopes on any unknown outcome which may not transpire.

 

More focus needs to be on us ... and less worrying about the future. Live in the now This is where it starts.... so get on with it

[amipushy]

When you start thinking like that, you know it's time to get out there and find someone new.

[quirky]

Whenever I was a dumper and jumped into something else straight away I was mainly masking the pain. I wasn't really happy..just taking the easy way out.

 

The sex would be better if the sex in my previous relationship was crap. Otherwise it's different and different takes some time getting used to.

 

You don't know the reality of it all, try not to assume and focus on what you can do with your own life and feelings.

 

I know it's hard though, with my last ex I was cyberstalking and crying and assuming all sorts. He wasn't as happy as I made it up in my head.

[gardnergirl2]

after the honeymoon period, they will have problems. No, it won't be all roses. No relationship is. I know for a fact that my ex isn't in hog heaven anymore. Not that he's not happy at all, but I know for a fact it hasn't been all peaches and sunshine.

[secondchance67]

Re-direct that energy into making your life the best it can be; her life, good or bad, is inconsequential to you and your healing.

 

Ask yourself these questions:

 

"Have I truly forgiven myself for all that took place- my part in it all, the good and the bad?"

 

"Do I have it with in me, have I achieved the the indifference and emotional strength to forgive her and let it all go once and for all?"

 

"Have I truly let go, or am I still holding onto the ghosts of the past, and I am just fooling myself living in a quasi state of denial?"

 

"Can I look int the mirror and be happy with what I see - the good the bad and all that lies in between?"

 

"How can I start living, REALLY living my life, one day at a time, as to distance myself from the past and focus on my future?"

 

Ponder those questions now, stopping looking over your shoulder to the past and the "what if's" and "how comes" and focus on what you can control, what you can create for yourself: A new life, filled with endless possibilities......

 

SC67

[kz91]

I think this all the time but it's not worth it.

 

Take care of yourself.

[sportsguy9981]

Ask yourself these questions:

 

"Have I truly forgiven myself for all that took place- my part in it all, the good and the bad?"

 

Ive forgiven myself for my mistakes, she made the most mistakes by cheating on me and I need to learn to forgive that as well since I am not with her now.

 

"Do I have it with in me, have I achieved the the indifference and emotional strength to forgive her and let it all go once and for all?"

 

I havent acheived the indifference and emotional strength to let it all go... I guess its a lonely feeling I have now without much of a support network of friends, my family has been there but its difficult not having others in my life. I will try to meet others, possibly may have to relocate in order to do so, this small town sucks for meeting people. I miss that strong connection I once had, maybe not necessarily her but a partner. I know I need to be independent and not rely on another for my happiness however.

 

"Have I truly let go, or am I still holding onto the ghosts of the past, and I am just fooling myself living in a quasi state of denial?"

 

I understand that I cant look at the past... I need to focus more on the future. She doesnt want to be a part of my future so I need to realize this and realize I deserve someone who wants to be a part of my future.

 

"Can I look int the mirror and be happy with what I see - the good the bad and all that lies in between?"

 

I have parts of myself that I really like and Ive very proud of, I need to focus more on those and try to have a positive outlook. I need to not be so hard on myself and realize that everyone has parts of themself that they dont like. When you dont have the physical part of a relationship, your self confidence takes a beating but Id rather experience that physical gratification with someone who really loves me for who I am, not someone who doesnt want to be a part of that.

 

"How can I start living, REALLY living my life, one day at a time, as to distance myself from the past and focus on my future?"

 

I think this is all about time.. time really helps heal and puts you in a different perspective. Also enjoying the things that make you happy. And setting goals whenever possible.

 

Ponder those questions now, stopping looking over your shoulder to the past and the "what if's" and "how comes" and focus on what you can control, what you can create for yourself: A new life, filled with endless possibilities......

 

Its difficult to get use to this new single life, I miss the good times but I need to learn to control those thoughts and let my emotions come and go... meanwhile I need to learn to be happy, I deserve to be.

[sportsguy9981]

Do you ever hate the fact that now you have to wonder where your ex and the new person will be spending their vacation and where they will be traveling to?...Some of my favorite times together were the trips we took. I know I need to take the advice here and not focus on her but its difficult knowing she and Mr Perfect may be heading on a vacation together.

As I wonder of where I want to travel to this year, I suddenly dont have a travel partner and I dunno if solo traveling somewhere would be any fun at all.. Im thinking of going out west and meeting up with a hiking group, which I will probably do, but has anyone ever solo traveled?

[Zuri]

THIS. I felt exactly like this. It is very difficult to not have these types of thoughts running through your head. I didn't WANT to romanticize my ex's life without me but at the time, it was just impossible. I could not control those thoughts AT ALL and the tears would flow. uuuggghhh.

It's a process. And it DOES GET BETTER. I promise. hang in there.

[sportsguy9981]

Thanks, its hard knowing she will have a familiy with another guy as well.. did your ex do this?

[Fraggle]

All understandable thoughts, but they'll only bring you pain and more pain

 

There is no easy way round these thoughts, but try to limit your time dwelling on something you have no control over...

 

I stumble into these thoughts every now and then, but I don't stay long... distraction and something else to occupy your mind....

 

I know the pain you feel going there, but really honestly, try not to

 

Perhaps not much help but it'll only hurt thinking these longer term thoughts....

[Lambo]

Thanks, its hard knowing she will have a familiy with another guy as well.. did your ex do this?

 

It definitely is extremely hard knowing that you've been replaced. I'm going through the exact same situation. Thoughts of the two of them do pop up in my mind, however, I have learned to kinda shun them out. When I think of her, or him and her, I think of the quote, "you might have found me worthless but you'll miss me when I become priceless to another."

 

It just helps to know that there is a possibility of meeting someone new everyday. Everyday, I dress up, look good, smell good, and I act positively in hopes that I will find the next woman that will put happiness back into my life.

 

Another thing that helps me personally is that every time I think of my ex, it's thoughts of the pain that she has caused me, rather than the good times we had together. That makes it a little easier to shun the thoughts of her out of my head.

[Ms Darcy]

I know this has really bruised your ego but you have to remember this IS largely an ego thing. Obsessing about your ex having sex.

 

How would it make you feel to know the sex is better for her? Maybe make you feel bad. What if the sex is worse? Maybe make you smile a little. What if the sex is just different? Make you feel puzzled maybe.

 

The point is, no matter how it is for her, the knowing won't magically heal you.

 

If this is a person that you love/d, I would work towards being happy for her. You don't have to, of course. But if this is someone you were willing to forgive after she cheated then perhaps she's not so bad. And perhaps she deserves happiness. If for whatever reason she was not happy with you, you would want her to be with someone who makes her happy/she is happy to be with right?

 

Instead of thinking of this as rejection, I would try to reframe it as a wrong fit.

[FreeFallFeelin]

Telling someone to not think these thoughts, is like telling someone that broke both legs to stop screaming in pain! You almost HAVE to think those thoughts at first. But certainly, they will do you no good and will not help you understand more about the situation. Eventually, after playing those images over in your mind so many times and getting nothing from it besides pain, you naturally start to put the brakes on when you see them coming up.

 

Maybe it's part of us trying to force ourselves into facing and accepting the full reality of things. Our minds try to grasp the entire picture of what has happened to our lives, and imagining the ex having sex with someone else represents to us the complete picture of what happened - the person we still love was so over us and our relationships that they gave it all to someone else. Those words are hard to say, but it's necessary for us to face and accept that reality. Visualizing the ex with someone else is a weird (and brutal) way of getting that same concept to crystallize in our own minds.

[sportsguy9981]

Honestly I don't think I have any obligation to feel happy for her, I may feel indifference in time but never happiness, mainly because this is how she did it:

 

Came over to my place, didn't want to talk about anything, then she admitted that some guy slept in her bed a few days ago, and she met up with him at the bar, (when I called her that night, which was a few days before this, she was at the bar with a girlfriend, which she lied about, it was him). After that, we had another talk, she asked if I would still see her, told me she would delete his phone number. Ok, the next day, I didn't hear from her til about 2 pm, I call her up, she breaks up with me over the phone, the other guy is on the other line, so she had to go, we barely spoke. She told me she has never felt this way about anybody else before, she told me our love had been questionable for the past year, went on to tell me where he works, where he went to college and kept going on and on about him, and told me she had talked to him for like 6 hours. Ok so basically she had to go, he was on the other line... so that's it. Then I texted her the next day a few times, basically telling her that she didn't know the guy, she said oh yes I do know him... and blah blah. I said it would take me time to move on but I would, and she said she already had moved on.. that's it. She texted me 2 days later asking if I was ok, I didn't respond. That's all. No more communication since then from her or from me.. basically feel really used, I was so invested in this relationship and found out I was nothing to her. So its very hard to feel good that shes with someone else, and feel good for her. If she was a decent human being and ended it before she slept with another guy , AGAIN, then yeah, I may feel a little different but this was a brutal way to go about things.

[FreeFallFeelin]

Talk about putting lipstick on a pig!

 

I see no benefit in tricking yourself into believing that you're okay with being betrayed.

 

How about - Instead of thinking of this as rejection, think of it as a sneaky dog that ate your steak and slipped out the back door.

 

 

 

If this is a person that you love/d, I would work towards being happy for her. You don't have to, of course. But if this is someone you were willing to forgive after she cheated then perhaps she's not so bad. And perhaps she deserves happiness. If for whatever reason she was not happy with you, you would want her to be with someone who makes her happy/she is happy to be with right?

 

Instead of thinking of this as rejection, I would try to reframe it as a wrong fit.

[Asher]

Wow, dude. That is pretty messed up. Honestly someone who is capable of being that cold hearted and cruel to someone who at least at one point she claimed to care about is way more indicative of her being someone who is going to find it hard to form meaningful relationships in the future.

 

To treat you in such a callous way means that you have most likely made a very lucky escape. I know it's really hard to see it that way right now and just because someone treats us badly like this doesn't mean our feelings can be switched off for them either.

 

She may well be revelling in her honeymoon period right now but trust me on this...if she was able to be like that to you, and I'm assuming that you were not cruel and callous to her to deserve such a reaction yourself, then she will do it to others. She will probably do it to the guy who she thinks is "Mr. Perfect" before too long.

 

These types can be amazing at the start, I've met a few in my life. They are exciting and warm and sexually adventurous, the whole 9 yards. WHEN you're the subject of their desires it's pretty powerful and it's easy to fall for these types. Then they switch their desire to someone else and your feelings mean nothing. They are after their next dopamine high.

 

There are plenty of amazing women out there that would never treat you like that. This was one of the ones that does. Break-ups usually do contain a certain lack of empathy from the dumper at first. Especially if they break up for someone else. They don't want to have to deal with you or your feelings and are only concerned with having their fun but that usually levels out after a few months. How you describe it though is simply not normal behaviour. She sounds slightly sociopathic to be honest. And no, I'm not exaggerating. A lack of empathy on that scale is a massive red flag. Allow yourself to be angry at the way you were treated. And while nothing I say will be able to stop you from feeling depressed and lonely but this too shall pass, and I would bet money on you looking back in the future at a bad situation that you are glad you are out of. He has to deal with her now, and when she switches on him....and yes, she will, you will have already moved on while he tries to pick up the pieces himself as she goes on to the next victim. There is no joy in being a person like that.

 

Right now, stay with the no contact. Focus on yourself as you know and remember the best revenge is living well.

 

I wish you luck, I know how it feels.

[Ms Darcy]

Talk about putting lipstick on a pig!

 

I see no benefit in tricking yourself into believing that you're okay with being betrayed.

 

How about - Instead of thinking of this as rejection, think of it as a sneaky dog that ate your steak and slipped out the back door.

 

OMG ... Forgiveness? That is the craziest thing I HAVE EVER HEARD! We should find out where she lives and burn her at the stake.

 

There are really two tracks going on here. 1. Viewing the person 2. View Viewing the self within the context of the situation

 

1. Viewing the person

 

I think the brain cells went flying when it was suggested working on being happy for the person. Put those crawlers back in the jar and shut the lid tight ... I did say "You don't have to, of course" geez.

 

This is probably (at least) the fifth thread obsessing about the ex having sex with someone else. Yes, I know, she's evil. The devil incarnate with horns to boot. But the anger and hatred masks (not very well) a deep and strong love that seems to remain.

 

I think one of the hardest parts of a breakup is reconciling who you thought the person was with how the person treated you. You know like the folks who are incensed that a cheating ex can get married a couple of years later and at least seem to live a happy life. And they are mired in anger at that person for years and years. We've seen it ... on this forum even. It ain't pretty.

 

I think forgiveness is one way to move forward, but it's not the only way. Thinking about the relationship, how is shifted and the needs of both people changed ... how both people changed ... can be a way towards indifference at the very least. Wishing well? Yeah, that may never come. But it's not the worst thing to do.

 

2. Viewing the self in the context of the situation

 

It is no doubt a terrible and sad situation. But I see no problem with reframing it. People reframe things all the time ... without using the same words. She is not the right person for you. When the right person comes along, you will know and she would never do this. ... You are not at fault here. This is a terrible situation that will make you stronger because you will never treat someone else this way. ... This will teach you a lot about yourself and who you are.

 

What is that but reframing? The first is a reframe that she was never the right person. IF she's the wrong person, then she is indeed a wrong fit.

The second is viewing this as a life lesson that is actually helping you become the best partner for that "right" person.

The third is a restatement of the second.

 

We don't have any way to change the past. But we do have a way to optimize our thinking of it. Ellie Weisel, nobel prize winning author who lived through the Holocaust, has spoken extensively about his experience. He talks about how it taught him to take nothing for granted - not any day, not any person, not any food - nothing.

 

If there is a great relationship out there for him, some wonderful future as yet to be seen, why wouldn't she ... this have been a wrong fit?

 

Further, I personally don't believe in rejection per se in dating. It's a negative way of seeing the world. Else, I would be 'rejecting' all the time and 'be rejected' all the time. Tons of people don't want to date me. If I went around thinking that way, I would probably be depressed. I just think ... I am happy and fortunate to be with someone I "click" with ... it took a while to find someone who I "clicked" with in a long-term way.

 

Choose to be indifferent. That's cool. But the bitterness will rot the bitter person to the core for a long time. And no, it doesn't have to be that way. We influence our thoughts. We can think other things. And the extent we distract from negative thoughts (stay busy) or let go of them (meditation) is the extent to which we are not controlled by them.

 

Sometimes the negativity is tiresome and played out.

[Slimpee]

I think these few sentences are spot-on and should be read by everyone on this forum for two main reasons. The first is the subtle, but important, shift in perspective from rejection to incompatibility as a couple. It's not a matter of "too good" or "not good enough" but more "right for me" or "not right for me". I think that if you can take the qualifier out, you'll quit thinking of yourself in those same terms, and you may not be hit as hard by the rejection nor will you have as much trouble ending a relationship you don't see going anywhere but without something explicitly wrong. Yes, it'll still suck, but it'll be less about who you are as a person and more about compatibility between you and your ex.

 

The second is the fact that gripping tightly onto past bitterness and negativity breeds bitterness and negativity in the future. Simply put, if you look at the negative side of things, that's all you'll ever see. Read link removed

[sportsguy9981]

I agree in thinking the wrong fit thing, but to be used by that for so long and left for someone else its very difficult to say oh well we were just a wrong fit. Especially when she lied to me all the time and said that she missed me and that she cried and wanted me when she first cheated on me. I think that to be put through someone else's emotional abuse, and I say that because thats how I feel I was treated, really damages you and maybe it hasnt been long enough, almost 6 months after almost 5 years together, to overcome how she suddenly left me over the phone and latched on to the greatest thing since sliced bread. Especially since Im the type to get really emotionally invested in the peson Im with, that person becomes my 1st priority. I think it takes some time to see things from a different perspective, and in order to heal. I think that these types of people are very immature, selfish and really dont care what they think or do to the next person, once they leave a relationship it could be months before their partner even knows. I think this is what happened to me, she left the relationship emotionally, lied and faked her way another few months, and basically told me herself on the phone when we broke up that she had been looking awhile. Basically this shoots your self confidence down very low, and I really feel like its hard to just be happy right now. I think time and the right mindset, remembering the red flags, will help me and thats the only thing that will bring me to that other perspective. Also the thoughts of knowing I deserve someone that actually wouldnt do this and that would be in my life and I wouldnt have to talk her into being with me rings true, and I know those type of people exist in this world, holding onto that hope will also help me.