I don't want to break up with my boyfriend, but he's a control freak!

[annabelle22]

I've been with my boyfriend for six months. Our relationship started really fast, we knew from the beginning that we want to be together and a week later it was official. So we've never really had time to get to know each other before committing ourselves into this. We're both very strong and stubborn characters. I know I was too controlling with my first boyfriend, he was very emotional and awkward with people so I would always tell him what to do, but I've learned from my mistakes (I was 17 at the time, I'm now 22) and worked hard to change that. Now I'm never jealous or controlling with the guys I'm dating - and now I feel like it's the other way around. The thing is my boyfriend's not that young anymore ( 28 ) and had many relationships in the past. He likes to know everything, he calls me several times a day asking where I am right now, what I'm doing, what I'm having for dinner, am I going out tonight etc. He says he doesn't mind me going out with other people but I can see he doesn't like it. I never did anything to loose his trust, so I really don't understand why he feels the need to check my messages or my Facebook (I let him, because I have nothing to hide, but it's just weird). He likes to do things for me even when I ask him not to - I'm perfectly fine on my own but he "just wants to help" (which means he wants me to have a cell plan HE thinks is good, etc). I feel like he's crossed the line between being helpful and being a control freak. But when I tell him that he doesn't see any problem and keeps saying "I'm just worried about you babe".

 

Then there's another thing that honestly drives me CRAZY. He's extremely stubborn and when something doesn't go the way he wants he will keep pushing me even when it's clear that I'm getting very upset. I don't mean sex (he would never push me if I don't feel like it), but for instance not long ago we were driving in his car to get some lunch and I said a joke-word he didn't understand. He asked me to repeat it so I did it twice, he asked again and I said "Nevermind, it's not important" (cause it wasn't). And he went insane! He screamed that he hates when people do that and literally said that if I don't spell the word for him so he can google it (right now, while he's driving) he will drop me at the metro station and "end our relationship". I wouldn't mind explaining the joke to him if he'd just ask normally, but I was completely shocked and got so angry I said I will never repeat it just because he acts the way he acts, and if he really feels like breaking up because of something ridiculous like that then I guess there's really no point in being together. He said he's sorry and it was a stupid thing to say but he "REALLY REALLY NEEDS TO KNOW WHAT I SAID", he kept repeating it, I got upset and started crying really bad (he was actually scaring me, acting like a psycho over this stupid little word), and even then he didn't stop pushing me for like 30 minutes. I was completely exhausted at the end of it and just stopped reacting. I felt as if it was some sort of weird psychological game that none of us won, because he didn't get what he wanted (the "word"), and I was just so upset my mood was bad for the rest of the day. He later apologized saying that "he's just very curious about things", but it didn't look like curiosity to me, more like having a childish tantrum because he didn't get what he wanted immediately.

 

I'm not sure what to do... I don't want to break up because there are more positive than negative things about our relationship, plus no ones perfect (I'm not either), but I'm afraid it will just get worse. Sorry for the long post. I would really appreciate any advice. Is he controlling or am I just overreacting?

[metrogirl]

I have nothing positive to say, he's controlling and domineering and doesn't trust you. Good luck trying to live by his rules.

[EssexMan]

He sounds desperately insecure to me. Terrified that there might be a single thing going on that he isn't aware of, that might somehow creep up on him and hurt him.

 

Is he aware that his outburst in the car was not very normal?

 

How is he with other people?

[becomingkate]

I think he has some kind of mental illness by the way that you describe him, like he has an inability to control his impulses. Imagine how he'll be when he's 40 and you've got kids!

 

If it were me, it'd be a deal-breaker.

[poetryandlyrics]

I understand about the "nevermind" thing, it is incredibly annoying to get dismissed like that. However, his reaction was insane and completely irrational. Won't be surprised he turns out abusive. And honestly, if you find it suffocating that he wants to control thing, then stand your ground and show him your boundaries. Like, "I told you I don't want your help. I'm not a child. I'm not taking your cell plan, sorry. And if you keep overstepping your boundaries by doing what you think I should do, then I need to reconsider the relationship."

 

Just break up though.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think he has some kind of mental illness by the way that you describe him, like he has an inability to control his impulses. Imagine how he'll be when he's 40 and you've got kids!

 

If it were me, it'd be a deal-breaker.

 

I agree. His reactions are just not normal. They are actually quite frightening. I would end this immediately because he sounds like a loose cannon.

[annabelle22]

EssexMan, I don't know if he's aware. He insists that he's only "a curious person" (the same explanation he has for checking my messages) and that he "does that with everyone", and I'm the only one overreacting.

 

He works with people and seems like an extremely happy, social person, but he doesn't have close friends, goes out rarely and usually with his family. He says his works drains him and he needs to relax on his own afterwards. He's very protective of his little sister and sometimes I feel like with me he went from being protective to trying to control everything around me.

 

Thank you for all the answers. I still don't feel like simply giving it up and I'm trying to find ideas, but I guess if it has to end, it eventually will.

[Capricorn3]

I agree with everyone above - not only is it beyond controlling behavior, but his reaction in the car was extremely abnormal, bordering on psychotic. This guy needs help, and the sooner the better.

 

Also, this relationship is in it's early days - only six months - and already you have major red flags and pretty serious ones at that. You should take heed and end it as this will only get much worse.

[poetryandlyrics]

You don't feel like giving up on him? Why not?

 

He's not self aware or is selfish to care about his needs, not yours, to acknowledge the reality of things. He's "only curious" or some such. That alone, says he won't change. He needs to be self aware to realize. And he needs to want to change for the better by HIS own choice, not for you.

 

And the thing that is quick to show his mistakes, possibly helping him to be more aware? Breaking up after he crosses a boundary.

 

But yet, you want to help him? You can't be in a relationship, helping somebody to be better. There is no fixing somebody. You're not the special someone that can help him realize the error of his way, evolving to a man from a beast.

[EssexMan]

EssexMan, I don't know if he's aware. He insists that he's only "a curious person" (the same explanation he has for checking my messages) and that he "does that with everyone", and I'm the only one overreacting.

 

This is the problem - as another poster says, if he can't recognise there's an issue, he's not going to be able to tackle it, let alone find motivation to do so.

 

I suspect his family encourage him (unintentionally) in this kind of behaviour - "he's such a great son/brother, he takes care of everything for us and always looks out for us...".

[TheRawTruth]

Our relationship started really fast, we knew from the beginning that we want to be together and a week later it was official. So we've never really had time to get to know each other before committing ourselves into this.

 

And this was your mistake.

 

In case you don't understand WHY you should wait and get to know each other before jumping in head first, this is why.

 

Let me get to your current problem though:

 

Yes, he's controlling. He's not "curious" (if he is, it's an UNHEALTHY curiosity) he's controlling. He doesn't "just want what's best for you babe." He's not "just worried about you, babe." Your cell phone plan was fine. It worked before he ever came along. Why do you need to change it? How does him being WORRIED excuse him checking your Facebook messages, or knowing what you had to eat? Is his "concern" gonna cause him to start telling you WHAT you can/cannot eat, or WHO you're allowed to talk to on FB, "for your own good"? (You should ask him this stuff the next time he says he only does it out of "concern.")

 

You may say this relationship is more positive than negative. But it seems like the negatives are a HUGE problem (or you wouldn't be writing about it right now). Do I think you're overreacting? No. "Overreacting" is what he did in the car. What you're doing is second guessing a relationship with a control freak. You can't call it "overreacting" if you don't like something. (Well you CAN, depending on the severity of your reaction, but in normal cases, no.)

 

If I watch a movie that seems boring and I decide to turn it off, is that an overreaction? No.

If I watch a movie that seems boring and I flip the TV over, is THAT overreacting? Absolutely.

 

Look at your behavior, and look it his. You tell me what's acceptable and what's not.

[MyNinja]

So many forms of controlling behavior he's displaying. Believe you me I've been down this road about four years ago. The guy I was with was very emotionally manipulative and tried to play it off as if he was doing me some kind of favor by saying things like, " I care too much for you....", " just trust me I'm only trying to help...", "you said you're not judgmental so why won't you just listen and believe me...." A lot of women fall trap to the " I only care about your well-being baby" tactic and get blinded by words thinking that their guy is very caring and loving ( not saying this is happening to you because your obviously concerned).

 

Your boyfriend is showing some serious red flags and can easy snap on you and become physically abusive. Seriously, going crazy over a word he didn't understand? Who has the energy for that? You're not overreacting, your boyfriend is and he's trying to make YOU feel bad for HIS insecurities. Just you questioning yourself wondering if you're overreacting is showing me that his manipulative behavior is working.

 

Please distance yourself from him. It's only been six months. You can do better.

[agent1607307371]

but it didn't look like curiosity

 

Because it's not. It's scary. I second everything that has been said here. This will not get better, this is his better. As time goes on and you get more into the relationship, he will start to relax and stop behaving so well.

[itsallgrand]

You aren't over reacting at all. I think you are under reacting, if that is a word.

 

He does seem like he has some other big issue going on, probably undiagnosed. Of course can't go around diagnosing people as having mental disorders based on a post from the gf, but his behaviors are extreme. And often do go hand in hand with some of the major mental illness'.

 

Whatever the case is, it will probably get worse. Not better.

 

I felt for you a lot reading that scenario in the car. That emotional terrorism and drained out to the point of not even having energy to react anymore. That is bloody awful, and not part of a healthy relationship. It will take a toll on you, a serious one.

 

I wish you the best and hope you don't place your self at risk further for the sake of this relationship. You can't fix him. It's not about love or caring or lack of it, or anything like that. He just has some serious issues.

[annabelle22]

Thank you all - really. I came here looking for ideas to fix this relationship, but now the more I think about it the more pointless it seems. I realised I haven't been happy for some time and every time I'm about to meet my boyfriend I'm scared we'll only end up arguing.

 

He's going away for a 10-day trip overseas tomorrow morning and I asked him not to call or write, because I need to think about everything and have a serious talk when he comes back. He (surprisingly) agreed, told me that he's aware he's been "a jerk" lately (wow, that's news?!) and for some reason I can predict how this conversation will go - he'll bring me tons of presents, be very sweet and apologetic, which will make this really hard.

 

Ugh, falling in love, never easy. I get older but not smarter, it seems.

 

It was a good idea to come here. Thanks again.

[MyNinja]

It's a vicious cycle. He'll recognize that you are aware of his behavior and see you distancing yourself from him. He'll shower you with gifts and apologize until he's blue in the face. You'll accept and feel bad for him. After he has "won" you over he will be even more comfortable acting like an ass towards you since he knows you aren't going anywhere and will forgive him. You will be so emotionally drained you won't be able to trust your own decisions on how to handle this. He needs to work on himself as it sounds like he's not stable enough for a healthy relationship.

 

I think you should really should take that car incident with the joke-word as a sign that things really need to be discussed with him. I understand that things happen between couples but how he responded and treated you was just flat out disrespectful and uncalled for. Very disturbing to me. Take some time out to yourself to think things through.

[pumpkinmoon]

To put this bluntly, he sounds like a nut job and he will only get worse as time goes on. If I were you I would get the hell out now!

[EssexMan]

Annabelle22, sorry if you mentioned this and I missed it, but: do you live with him?

[abitbroken]

Abusive relationships often start out in a complete whirlwind. And then they go south. I suggest you get out of this. If you are this miserable at 6 months, imagine what another 6 will do. I also suggest couunseling. If you were disrespectful and controlling to your first boyfriend and now you are dating someone who is abusive and controlling, maybe you are very attracted to the behavior and think its normal.

[annabelle22]

EssexMan, no, I didn't want to move in with him cause I thought it's too soon, but he lives not far away from my place and we see each other almost every day.

 

My family doesn't live in the city, I came here on my own 7 months ago and my boyfriend is still the closest friend I have around. Unfortunately.

[abitbroken]

EssexMan, no, I didn't want to move in with him cause I thought it's too soon, but he lives not far away from my place and we see each other almost every day.

 

My family doesn't live in the city, I came here on my own 7 months ago and my boyfriend is still the closest friend I have around. Unfortunately.

 

I rather have enemies than a friend like that. I think you need to meet other people. Stay in touch with your old friends from your old place, and look to see where local chapters of places you used to volunteer for meet, or see what else is going on near your new place. You will make new friends that way. Do't stick with him just because you spend lots of time with him or you are lonely. He will crush you. ANd believe me, I speak from experience - if you do make other friends , he will drive them away

[EssexMan]

EssexMan, no, I didn't want to move in with him cause I thought it's too soon, but he lives not far away from my place and we see each other almost every day.

 

I would think about pulling back a bit for a while, seeing him less often, putting some space between you. Show him that you can and will manage on your own and that he's not entitled to access every single moment and corner of your life.

 

If he can live with that and remain a good bf in other ways, then maybe the relationship can be reshaped successfully.