How Do I Know if I'm Just a Rebound?

[PaperSt1537]

I've recently started seeing a young woman over the past two weeks and it's progressed very quickly emotionally and physically in a very short time. We seem to have found a mutual connection to each other, as well as a visceral attraction that is making it extremely hard to resist taking things ridiculously fast. We've spoken of this a couple of times already and how we both need to be careful that we don't overdo things by seeing too much of each other with things being so fresh and emotions running so high. But the attraction is undeniable on multiple levels and I feel (if I can believe what she says to me) that I could see us developing a strong, long-lasting relationship eventually... BUT:

 

The issue I'm having is that she just recently, as in a month ago, finalized a break up with her ex boyfriend of four years. They lived together for some of that time and she just moved out and into her own apartment on February 1st. The two of them are still in regular contact and work together on film projects on a regular basis as well. He is apparently not over the relationship and is still trying to get her back but she assured me a couple of times already that she knew it was over for her a very long time ago and it just took a long time for her to finally leave him.

 

This morning, when we were together, her ex called to pick her up (he is in possession of her car and drives it for some reason) to renew her registration. After she told him she'd be ready soon and hung up, he called back to offer to pick up breakfast for her, to which she declined. This is when I asked if he was trying to get her back and she explained that he was and it wasn't going to work. Later, after I had posted a link on her Facebook page (I know, it's so lame to bring up Facebook in these posts) she ask me to, in the future, post things to her privately so her ex wouldn't see them and ask questions about who I am (her page posts consist of about 90% links and comments from him). She told me she wasn't ready to tell him she was seeing me because he's having such a hard time dealing with the break-up.

 

I feel like I'm getting little clues here and there that I'm going to end up as just a rebound for her, whether she realizes it or not. But I don't want to jump to any conclusions before talking anymore about it with her. Everything is still fairly fresh and maybe she doesn't want to tell him about me in case things don't work out with us, which part of me thinks is a little but shady but I'm just not sure. Am I just something for her to play around with until she figures out she wants to give him another chance? And how long should I be okay with her not telling him she's seeing me while her ex holds onto hope of reconciliation because he thinks she's not dating? I'm afraid the whole thing is just too confusing to figure out on my own and it's very important for me to keep from setting myself up to get hurt or taken advantage of.

[BrianH46]

If you like her then she is worth the risk. However cool your jets and guard your heart because this won't end well in my opinion/experience.

[Justme3]

I think if she was so into you like you are of her, wouldn't care what her ex thinks.

She still let him use her car, she doesn't want you to post publicly on her Facebook, she's still concerned about his feelings, she just moved out...those are all red flags to me.

I just wanted to express my opinion.

[bulletproof]

I think that it is hard to date someone for four years and just suddenly not care if you hurt his feelings. I think she feels she is protecting his feelings by keeping your relationship quiet. I don't think it's so she can keep the door open in case you two don't work out.

 

There's no way to know if you are just a rebound. You may be, you may not be. Sometimes people check out of relationships emotionally way before the relationship actually ends, so she may be telling you the truth about that. Either way, all you have is her word, and you should probably just see where things go.

[Sportster2005]

The short answer is you can't know until it's too late. I would avoid a situation like this. People need to heel. They also need to become the new person they are after a break up. She probably is very sincere and is very attracted to you. She is also probably very erratic. I've never met anyone after a significant break up that wasn't all over the emotional map for a while. And yet no size fits all. I've seen people jump into new relationships and be just fine. I might add though this seems to be the exception not the rule.

 

I hate being the bearer of 'downer' news. But this has been experience. And I'm I've been doing this longer than I care to admit One way or another, I hope things work out bro.

[Ms Darcy]

She still let him use her car, she doesn't want you to post publicly on her Facebook, she's still concerned about his feelings, she just moved out...those are all red flags to me.

 

I would agree with this. Wounds are still too fresh on both sides for her to be ready emotionally for a new relationship.

 

It is a bad idea to ever date someone who is just out of a breakup. It took her a while to leave for a reason.

[PaperSt1537]

I really appreciate everyone's input here and for the thoughtful responses. We spoke at length yesterday about our respective previous relationships and I feel like I gained a bit more clarity on her situation and her break-up. Her ex has been in and out of pretty bad situations financially and with regards to his living situations. She's always been more stable (with some help from her family) and I guess mostly just felt sorry for him for a long time during their relationship and apparently stayed with him for so long more for that reason and less out of emotional attachment. I'm still very wary about moving forward as intensely as we have, due to my own feelings about it as well as the responses here. We both are dealing with a lot of anxiety issues and are helping each other to be more active socially so I think that's maybe where the focus should be rather than becoming emotionally attached.

 

Again, I appreciate the responses and would welcome anymore comments or advice anyone has. This forum helped me so much during a really tough breakup six months ago and it's always nice to come back to find continued support.