Confused. Step-parenting. Help needed.

[redswim30]

OP,

 

I just became a step parent this year. Like every major decision in life- It comes with its joys and challanges.

 

I too have to deal with a less than fantastic ex-wife. But I will tell you right now, it's worth it. I won't lie to you and say it will always be easy- it won't- There will be times you want to tear your hair out, or feel like there are some things you can't share, or wish you could change the bad example their mom was setting. The good news is- You CAN be a positive example in the child's life. You can make a happy home when he is with you. Yes, his parents are the primary caregivers. However, you DO become responsible for them as well. It's a wonderful thing that you want to help and provide, be supportive and loving- that's the majority of it. Don't let fears or concerns overwhlem you out of something that could be truly terrific. Believe me, I always thought my first children would be my own- but now that I am a stepmom, I love those kids as if they were my own. I don't even think of them as "not mine". It wasn't easy at first, it's a lot to get used to. But don't let the challenges blind you from the rewards. They are vast if you are ready to accept the situation fully.

 

Now, what you have to ask yourself is if you are ready to accept him as he is, with his child. Remember, OP- everything in life comes with challenges. But that does not mean that you can't overcome them. Maybe you are even stronger than you ever thought.

I never thought I thought I'd be a stepmom, but now that I am - I am rising to the challenge and I am even better at than I ever imagined I could be- So maybe I was wrong and it was always meant to be this way. Time to make some tough choices, but make sure when you do you are giving yourself full credit for who you are deep down and for all the wonderful possibilities that may transpire as well.

 

Good Luck !

[Fudgie]

There are plenty of good men out there who don't come with baggage (ie a kid) and with manipulative, nasty ex wives.

Such a situation is certainly less than ideal and I think you can do better.

 

You will never be the mom. You will not be the primary caregiver and that will never change. Be prepared for ex drama. You will have to deal with the ex for the REST of your LIFE should you stay with this man.

 

I would get out now. You said yourself you don't want to be a step mom. So get out ASAP.

[sodizzy]

link removed is a great resource for step parents. It really is one of the most difficult things you will ever do. It's very hard. And it's not always as black and white as 'love them as your own.' You can't force yourself to feel the way about a child that everyone THINKS you should feel. Its very different than your own children. Good luck to you.

[sodizzy]

If you don't want to be a step-mom, then clearly this relationship is NOT for you and it won't work. Ever. They are a package deal and if you don't want it, then do the right thing and leave, as it is very unfair to both your boyfriend AND the child. They deserve someone who accepts them BOTH. You cannot have one without the other, so you pretty much have your answer. You say you don't want to deal with the complications and challenges of relationships? In that case, even more reason to end this - maybe the sooner the better as you'll probably never really be happy with the situation, so there really is no point in carrying on with it.

 

You accept someone's child. But she does not need to love him like her own. He is not her own. It's naive to think that you just love all children because they are children. You marry someone understanding what 'factors' they come along with like children and exs, but that doesn't mean that you MUST be in love with his/her child. It's an adjustment. It's hard. It's not automatic. Not all children are wonderful and respectful and nice about having a new stepmother. You as a human being are supposed to swallow that? No. That's not what it's truly like. This isn't the Brady Bunch. There is a reason why 2nd marriages have a 60% divorce rate. Do all the research you can. I have 2 Future SDs if our path goes down the road of marriage and I have 3 birth children of my own. It's so hard to blend families. I love his daughters as extensions of the man I love. But it's not the same as my own children. I TREAT them the same but I don't FEEL the same way about them. And I would NEVER expect my boyfriend to feel the way about my sons as he does about his daughters. It just doesn't happen that way.

 

He should make the decisions for his kid. He should be parenting his kid. You should be a supportive role. Now this is different if the Birth mother is not involved. That area is grey and it's really communicating about what he expects your role to be. But don't navigate through those waters without communication alone. And again - it's hard. Many will say the hardest thing they've ever done. Step mom is a selfless role. You put in so much time, effort, money, love, and you get very little in return. Just like being a mom, except worse. Like I said link removed has some great information.

[Fudgie]

I agree with sodizzy. I think it's a bit unrealistic to think that you MUST love his children just like your own. You don't. And it's okay not to. As long as you don't resent them. That's key.

 

I don't know, I just think blending families is extremely hard and if you're young and have no kids of your own, why not try to avoid it versus forcing yourself into a bad position? When you're divorced and have kids, well, you kind of have the same do it because most people for you are going to have kids too. But if you have none? You can set your standards differently and only date childless men and no one can give you crap for it.

 

My boyfriend was in a blended family for a while with his mother. He had 3 step siblings and doesn't even remember their names. When the marriage failed, the kids all turned their backs on each other, moved away, and never spoke again. He sort of laughs at how the parents made such a big deal about "You are siblings now!" They reallt aren't. And in the end, that was clear.

[Capricorn3]

You accept someone's child. But she does not need to love him like her own. He is not her own.

Yes, that is correct and going by the OP, it seemed that she has a hard time accepting the child and the possibility of being his step-mom in the future. She said she does NOT want to be a step mom, but if she wants the man, she has to accept his child, something it seems she is not able to do. Hence I said they are a package deal - you can't have one without the other. It would be far easier for her to find single men with no children and ex-wives in the picture.

[puzzles]

Update:

 

I've done a lot of thinking and reflecting on this matter and sought counsel from others.

 

I've realized that this may be more of an issue of timing and different life stages. I am not currently at a stage in my life where I can be a mother figure to a very young child. I work full-time in an executive-type position, with a lot of responsibilities, and I am still building my career. My bf is a parent to a young boy. These are different life stages. Also, my bf initially told me that he would be the primary care-taker of his son. Once he and his son moved in, it changed within a month or so. My bf decided to take a second job to pay off some of his debt. He is now working 65+ hours per week. My bf started with asking me to watch his son by myself once a week, then twice a week, and so on until I was taking care of his son for extended periods of time four times a week, alone and on my own (keeping in mind the child is only with us 50-60% of the time). I ended up providing the vast majority of the young child's care due to my bf's extra work hours. I wanted to help and support the person I love (as well as spend time with the little boy), but in hindsight I realize it would have been better for me to set more limits with my bf on how much time I would be able to care for the child by myself.

 

I have discussed my feelings and concerns with my bf and we have decided mutually that he and his son will move out so my bf can be closer to his work and thus have more time to spend with his son. We are still together and I intend to stay a positive adult figure in this boy's life. The change right now is we won't be living together once they move. And my plan is to not live with my bf and his son again unless we decide to get married and actually are married or have a wedding date set very close to the move-in date. Even though transitions/changes can be hard, my bf and I both agree that this is a better choice/plan for all of us.

 

Thank you to the people who posted responses. It gave me a lot of perspectives to consider, and there were pieces that were helpful in the majority of the posts.