How I Got Her Back The First Time, Thoughts on NC, Etc.

[beatlesfan123]

It's the indecision of NC that's been killing me. The not knowing. Not just about the reasons behind the breakup, not just the what she's doing, if she's thinking of me, will she never reach out... none of it matters. I do still hurt about the situation a lot, I'll admit that, but I have no idea where this will go. A "leave me alone forever", no response, a very slow progression to friendship that I will at some point have to admit to her I'm not after, or reconciliation. I don't care where I end up because where I've been is a very very confusing place and it's time to make a decision and deal with the consequences. I'm long enough into the breakup to be able to think about other things. I feel ready.

 

What gave me the balls to do this is the fact that getting her back is not the obsession it once was. It's not my priority in life. My priority is my job, my friends, my family and moving house. She could fit in wonderfully in all of that but she isn't the centre of it all.

[james31]

Hi mate.. firstly great advice and an excellent thread, i read the whole thing last night after a bad night missing the ex gf, wouldnt mind getting your opinion on things if thats ok.

 

So i was with the ex gf for 9 months, it was a brilliant and strong relationship and for 3 months i was away with the Army at recruit school, she came down to see me 5 times which was a 6 hour drive each way and even though we were apart our love stayed true and after a bad injury i was discharged and returned home to be with her.

 

Towards the end we were both quite stressed, i had to start a new career as an apprentice plumber and was focusing on work and we started to grow apart, sex was maybe once a fortnight even though we would see each other nearly everyday, go out on dates, weekend trips and all of that good stuff.

 

One weekend she asked if we could have a break for a few days.... i naturally wasnt happy but agreed because she is the love of my life, she promised we wouldnt break up and that she still cared and loved me so i thought everything would be ok, unfortunately not talking to her and knowing she was out with her friends got to me and i started messaging and calling. 3 days later we met up and she said she felt that she just couldnt be in a relationship atm and that we couldnt be together.

I was a mess... i did the normal begging, pleading, crying and tried to make amends, this lasted 3 weeks on and off before she pretty much gave me the cold shoulder and told me to stop because it was too late and she didnt want to try and fix our relationship.

 

I have been able to go a week with NC before i crack and send her a text... she always replies and admits that she misses me and our friendship/relationship and that she really would like to be friends in the near future, but right now she isnt ready. The last time i spoke to her i asked if we could catch up for coffee and she said no feeling it was too soon but she still would like too but she will approach me and that i need to leave her be.

 

I still talk to her mum and she talks to mine... she still wears the ring (not a promise ring or anything) and still has my pics in her room ect, she said to my mum that she still loves and cares about me and is going to catch up with her soon.

 

As you can tell this girl means alot to me, she stuck by me when i was away and i love her more then anything... when she says she wants to be friends but she will approach me i was hurt, its been 6 weeks and i feel i am in the position to show her that i am a new and better person and that we can rekindle our love and work things out,she knows there is nothing i wouldnt do for her.

 

I know she has been going out alot with her friends and generally looks happy... im still quite upset about everything and just focus on work and getting through day by day, every other aspect of my life is good and im happy with everything, i just want her back in my life.

 

What should i do? From reading this thread i know NC needs to happen for more then a week but i hate thinking that she is leading me on just in case she feels she made a mistake or something.

All advice is appreciated mate...

[wickedconfused]

This thread is amazing! Hopefully you can help with my situation...any people are free to respond.

 

My ex-gf and I were co-workers and had an awesome relationship built on respect and mutual admiration. We were together for about 1 year. She is divorced with 2 kids. At the end of last year, I transferred 3 hours away for another job, which was a mess from the get-go. My ex has Crohn's disease, which is a chronic inflammation of the intestines. She "flared up" badly after I left and was sick at least well into January to varying degrees.

 

My ex neglected to tell me that her daughter has separation anxiety due to my ex being hospitalized for 3 weeks about a year and a half ago. While we were away from eachother, and she was dealing with her illness, my ex and I began arguing on the phone a lot. I pushed the subject of meeting her children. On top of that, her ex-husband decided to take her to court over child custody (which I found out about AFTER she began to pull away from me). She tried to approach her daughter about the subject of moving on/dating someone new, and her daughter was extremely unaccepting of the concept. She also knew her mother was referring to me and deleted me from her mother's Facebook page, began trying to see who she was talking to on the phone, etc. She is taking her daughter to counseling, but the progress hasn't been great so far (her daughter just turned 10).

 

This all pretty much happened over a week or so. The only complaint my ex has ever made about me in regards to our relationship is that I can, at times, be insecure/untrusting. We always dealt with our seemingly minor issues quite well until our personal lives began to fall apart. I quit the new job and took another job in her hometown. But I had to give 30 days notice, which is a long time to wait when your life is falling apart.

 

We saw eachother once in January, after 5 weeks apart. She reached out to me one night when I was in town (I didn't officially move back until last week). She went back-and-forth on seeing me until I just came over. She was very sweet and warm when we saw each other. She said she loved me. We had sex. Everything seemed pretty good. I told her that I was afraid she would "go cold again" when I left, and she gave me a big hug, saying, "do I feel cold now?"

 

After I left, she immediately became wishy-washy again. Sometimes texts/calls are returned, sometimes not. She says she doesn't think she can handle a relationship right now. She says that she thinks I could find somebody who is "a better fit" for me with less baggage. Yesterday, I asked her if she would grab lunch with me now that I'm back in town. She said she feels guilty that I "turned my life upside-down" for her. I told her that I have learned to always bet on her, and this wasn't about me making her feel guilty. It was about me showing her that I am in this for the long haul and will not abandon her (she has said that she thought the "flare" of her Crohn's was directly related to me leaving). At first, she said that she probably couldn't get together on the weekend but would call me next week. But she is so wishy-washy now, that often those phone calls never come.

 

At the end of our conversation yesterday, I asked her if she misses me. She said she does. I asked her if her life is better without me in it. She said it's not. I asked if she still loves me. She said she does.

 

She texted later and said, "I'm going to think about what you said and will be in touch with you tomorrow."

 

I replied, "Think about what I said in regards to what?"

 

She said, "Talk to you tomorrow."

 

This morning, she texted that this weekend is not going to work. I said it was OK and quoted some song lyrics she used to send to me sometimes. She responded, "I'm working." I said, "hopefully not a long day!" She said, "I don't think so. Have a good weekend."

 

 

That was it. Any advice on my next move here? I've been writing her the longest letter in history to try to get my feelings out on paper. Our phone conversations have mostly been agonizingly short for the past couple of months.

[wickedconfused]

Please help, guys. It would mean a lot!

[Kimcwell]

This is a great thread. Saving it to read again

[wjv901]

Really good thread. Helping me see things more clearly.

 

Me and my ex broke up technically 2 months ago. However for the next month we maintained daily contact and hung out a few times, until finally she said she didn't think we should try to make it work anymore. She said she met someone else. I was obviously pretty destroyed by it, and for the next week-10 days did the dumb stuff. Pleaded with her, told her how I would change, brought her flowers, all of it.

 

Finally I realized I needed to try to let go, but for some reason I decided to call her, tell her I understood why it ended, I hope she doesn't feel bad, and I am glad she is happy. We had a good 20 minute talk, but then she texted me later that night saying it upset her that I am making these changes now instead of when I was with her. I told her I feel bad about it, I wish it were different, and I don't have an excuse for it. The conversation turned to her asking if I still wanted to be with her, which opened up a whole can of worms. For the next hour she told me how she was just confused, she thinks maybe she does want to be with me, but she remembers the unhappy times and she has this new guy who is so different from me and makes her happy. She told me I wasn't ready yet (and she was/is right). She told me right now there is no hope.

 

A couple days later she texted me and told me she was thinking of me and she wanted me to know, and she felt bad she gave me hope on the phone. We talked a bit about it, she said she just doesn't believe me when I say I'm changing yet, and there isn't hope right now. She said the fact that I hold on so tight is just pushing her away. I got it, and after that we exchanged a few lighthearted texts, and that was it. I texted her happy Easter last Sunday, but since then I just realized I need to take a step back.

 

I feel as if I have identified the major problems in our relationship, and one was an easy fix (I was a big potsmoker, and have quit smoking for over a month now). The others I need to work on still, and although I am making definite progress and do feel better about a lot of stuff, I know I am not ready to text her yet. I know that if I were to text her and get no response, or a rude response, it would hurt me. I still have small bits of hope that she will text me in the near future, but I am not counting on that.

 

It doesn't even bother me that she is seeing another guy. We were together over a year and really did love each other. I still love her, and now I am just working on getting myself to the point of 'wanting' her again versus right now I feel as if I 'need' her.

 

Since our breakup in February I have quit smoking pot, I have lost 20 pounds, I am eating better, I have rejoined my gym, I have had some long overdue dental work done, I just got a nice raise at work last week, I bought a new car, and I now make to-do lists every morning and make sure that I get most/all of the tasks done daily. I am feeling so much better, but I still have work to do. I still need to build up my confidence. I am thinking of taking boxing lessons or trying to improve my swimming, and in the next week or two I plan on buying some new clothes.

 

I'm on the right track.

[panda89]

This thread has been really insightful. My bf dumped me three months ago. I have done NC and all but he blows hot and cold with me. I have no idea how can I get back with him.

 

I did some thinking and I suspect these are the issues he broke up with me (emotionally instability, saying hurtful words when in conflict, non - supportive) rather than over the fight we had that caused him to break up.

 

I am trying to rectify these problems and I am currently in therapy to solve these issues but it's not like I can tell him outright I am in therapy and expect him to come back to me immediately. I am also being treated for my depression but it feels like a catch-22 situation because he is both the cause and cure for my depression.

 

I am trying to show him that I am changing but it's very hard when all we have now is small talk and he shuts away when I am trying to show him support and being more positive. I met him once and I thought it went great but he is again shrinking away from me.

 

Unfortunately, the mindset I have now, I 'need' him rather than I 'want' him is deeply ingrained in me. I think that's even harder to change than my personality.

[stargirl1993]

This is actually the most comforting thing I've read since my ex and I broke up after a 4 year relationship.

 

We're trying to be friends now. I'm keeping my distance until I can emotionally handle him leaving because he needed time to be alone. I respect that and I want him to be happy even if it's not with me.

 

I'm hoping down the line he'll be in a place to try, until then I can only work on myself. It's really hard but your story is inspiring.

[elsenyor]

Okay so I just got dumped and I had the plan of doing NC -> LC -> Friends, sort of thing so I'm glad this thread really works / touched on that topic.

 

(my breakup)

 

I've been doing NC for exactly 7 days now and on her birthday I'm likely to give her a call to see if she's celebrated it, will celebrate it, whatever, here are my doubts:

 

1) do i bring up and say the "hey i thought about it, you were right we can be friends"? or just dismiss it completely, and talk as if nothing.

 

2) even if i don't propose it right then and there (one of these days) i'll probably tell her to hang out, grab some coffee, or some drinks to celebrate her birthday or just catchup. how do you do the whole hanging out as friends? when we started dating we made out on all the dates and went to her house. that's not something i can do anymore obviously, so is it just having fun and light touching?

[Vinny85]

Hey,

 

Sad to hear you just got dumped. It's good you did NC right away and I think it is needed for you right now. Why? Because I, just like you felt ready to hang out as friends at a certain moment. She also sincerely wanted to be friends and things did progress very well into that direction. A great friendship seemed to be blossoming. However, 5 months post BU and a good three months into our friendship I cut it off, out of the blue. Why? Because I still had the very same questions as you. Those were signs for me that I wasn't ready to 'play this role' in her life. If I was, I would know how to do it i figured, and also wouldn't feel like hanging out in a certain role ('as friends') but would simply be taking things as they were, w/o labeling it or over thinking my actions.

 

I can not look into your mind and cannot feel how you feel. However, having those questions myself were ultimately a red flag for me. If I did not know how to do it I was not ready. If I had to ask how to play a role, I would not be myself and honest with either myself or my ex. I think that that might be something you want to think true very carefully as well.

 

Anyway, Like I said: I have been dealing with pretty much the same questions myself the past months. My 'answers' to them are in bold in your quote. Hope it helps!

[elsenyor]

Did you ever in any way agree with them to be friends? I bet not.

Good point, I'll just reach out. I've also assimilated the fact that there are several outcomes to the phone call:

1) she might not answer, to which i would text her the happy bday wishes at the end of the night, and she may not even respond to that

2) she might answer, and she may be indifferent (so i have to be emotionally stable for this)

3) she might answer, and she may react emotionally (positive or negative, so i have to be emotionally stable for this as well), if positive however it could be in my favor.

 

Bottom line I can't go in with any expectations... just reach out and let her come to me.

 

Do you want to hang out with your ex as friends or do you want to hang out with her like you would with a girl you just met?

Also makes perfect sense. I'm unsure of the role I'd give her, at this time.

 

I have plenty of female friends that see me as "attractive" and would actually want to have more with me if I gave them the chance. My character in itself is fairly attractive, so if I choose the "friends" route it could work. However a "girl at the bar" role could speeden things up or ruin it (by pressuring, light touching, and eventually attempting a kiss).

 

Give or take I'm sure that if we did hang out the "our past relationship" talk will be brought up by her at some point to get water under the bridge, and I'll be able to properly assess the situation.

[cherryiice]

Thank you for this!

[lemondust]

Yep. Your old relationship is dead.

Everything from here is new. You're not bringing the old relationship back.

(Why would you? It failed.)

 

You're starting a new one.

 

I agree with everything Olesun's said in this thread....really refreshing posts to read.

 

I also really agree with the above quote, and also the comment where one needs to accept the possibility that the ex may be seeing/loving/sleeping with someone new. And that getting to a place of mature acceptance and clear thinking, is definitely a step in the right direction.

[wjv901]

I texted her tonight. I'm not 100% sure I was ready too, probably not. But I just told her I won a little $ at the casino (her and I would go occasionally).

 

She said she was surprised I went, told her I was celebrating. She asked why and I said because I got a raise and told my family about my pot-smoking. She congratulated me. Told her telling my family made me feel better about everything. She said she knew it would once I told them, and I haven't responded.

 

Not the warmest of conversations, but she responded and didn't tell me to get lost. So its a step. Now I need to take some time and improve myself for now and decide what to do next.

[wjv901]

I texted her tonight. I'm not 100% sure I was ready too, probably not. But I just told her I won a little $ at the casino (her and I would go occasionally).

 

She said she was surprised I went, told her I was celebrating. She asked why and I said because I got a raise and told my family about my pot-smoking. She congratulated me. Told her telling my family made me feel better about everything. She said she knew it would once I told them, and I haven't responded.

 

Not the warmest of conversations, but she responded and didn't tell me to get lost. So its a step. Now I need to take some time and improve myself for now and decide what to do next.

 

I couldn't figure out how to edit this. But after about an hour she texted me asking how I was doing. I told her about a lot of the positive changes I've made, we talked about her getting a new iPhone finally, and she pretty much said she was really happy to hear I'm doing better and improving myself.

 

We broke up very amicably and there is no dislike for each other, and overall it was a nice conversation, but part of me wonders what I do from here. At the end she said something like 'so it seems us breaking up was for the best' which I didn't want to hear, but I said I just needed that 'slap in the face' to realize what needed to change.

 

At the end I said something to the tune of 'some days I really wish you could see the new me because you put up with the ****ty me for so long' and she responded saying 'I wish I could too' and then we said goodnight.

 

It was good to talk to her, I probably will still take time to just keep working on myself though.

[mrs H]

best post so far quite informative and true.On day 4 of NC am really not keep tabs i just want to work on myself so i can be ready to get back to him.

[OzAlpha]

Hey all, hope you are all doing well with your situations. This has been an invaluable thread!

 

Olesun, your advice is spot on

 

Here's my situation in a summary, I'd really appreciate some advice.

 

So I was dating a few women and was enjoying life, I am naturally quite alpha BUT I have tendencies to slip into beta bode sometimes. I have worked in that recently.

 

Im 34, and I met a new woman 28yo who blew my socks off. It was like out of a movie, she was talking to her colleague about that day being special for love as it was 12/12/12 and then 2 seconds later I walked past her store and saw her. I was breathtaken and was drawn to her. I went over and said hi and we started talking, flirting, etc. I was out for drinks with her 2 days later.

 

This whole meet felt different and I knew I could have feelings for this girl, so I took it slow and had a few beautiful dates together. It all escalated and we were both developing feeling quickly. We got more serious and started to spend a LOT of time together, mostly initiated by her. I knew the speed of things was a bit fast but in the moment all I wanted was her around... Classic mistake number 1. So we had discussed past lives and relationships and both were ready to start something serious. She did say that she hadn't felt ready, but recently she was feeling like the time was right and was open to something. She quite independent.

 

At the 2 month mark she was forced to move house, but couldn't find a suitable place with her housemates. She said " I spend so much time here, what do you think of me moving in?" I said its early, but I am ok with it. Committing to the relationship. She ended up finding a place and that never happened, but it was put out there by her.

 

A few months go by, amazing times.... Very affectionate from her, very loving, perfect start. If anything, I was lapping it up and was too keen and a bit needy!

 

Then she changed jobs and started working very long hours and was under a lot if stress.

 

I supported her with attention, massages, cooking dinners and being overly nice when all she really needed was space! Classic mistake no 2.

 

 

So after about 6 weeks of this and 4 months in total, we were at my best mates engagement party. Great day but everyone was saying how much of a great couple we made and were and saying that we'll be next. I was all for it, but I noticed she reacted distant to it. I knew something was up.

 

I gave her immediate space and tried to pull away for a few days to give her thinking space without having to have a serious talk. She then came over to my place one night and said she wanted "space" and that she wasn't ready for a serious relationship! I reacted like a soppy loser and said all the stupid things...

 

 

I messages her, wrote her a love note, and saw her one more time before accepting it and going into 30 days of NC. I told her i accepted her decision. During this 30 days she had a holiday with her girlfriends booked before we met to come over there to the united states. She had a great time, all girls fun trip and probably kissed a guy on the dance floor or more, who knows. I have never worried about her like that, she's not a loose girl at all. Even if she did, I don't care as its not serious..

 

We've messages since a few times and I genuinely think she's not ready... I think her mind is still in "I like being free" mode and she got scared off with the attention, stress of life and the whole situation.

 

 

This is her last message to me... I am now in NC again and do not know what to do to repair this fragile situation. I do genuinely have deep feelings for this woman and really want it to work out rather than move on.

 

 

"Hi,

Yeah it was a pretty awesome trip. There was so much to see in so little time. I still think Australia's the best country though.

 

You must be so excited about heading over there. I've always wanted to do Central America. Very jealous!

 

Please don't be sorry for your actions. You really did nothing wrong! I am annoyed at myself for hurting you. I genuinely thought I was ready for something serious, but I'm obviously not and I can't be sorry enough for that.

 

Anyway, I'm so glad you're getting fit and happy.

 

Oh it's no big deal about returning my clothes. We can sort it out whenever. x"

 

 

How do I go forward with that? More NC?

 

Thanks

James

[CocoaBean]

I am so glad to have read this. I read the first few posts every few days as a refresher. I need to write some things down myself.

 

My ex slept worth someone else last night. I found out pretty immediately, as I had to pick something up from the house, and saw her as she was leaving. When I confronted him, he cried. I didn't. Told him he was free to do what he wants as we are not together.

[cantgiveup]

Hi CB, sorry that you had to see that, but seems like you took it pretty well. I have followed your story and I know you still care about this guy, so I applaud you on how well you handled that. I know you relied to some of my posts as well and my ex started seeing someone else pretty soon as you may know, so I know it's hard. Well, I never had to see it in person just via social media but it sucked anyways. Well good luck to you I hope everything works out for you

[tk80]

Best post ever! No manipulation, little games, nothing.

I hope my ex bf would have half the emotional maturity of this guy. He is in a rebound of the rebound relationship. That's right, he met a girl from the internet one week after we broke up our 14 years relationship, got dumped by her 2 months later, playing around my court for 2 months saying he was thinking of getting back together, still loves me, and now he is with another internet chick. I was the one who broke up and when I asked him if he still loved me in December he said yes, but the problem is that by breaking up with him I hurt his PRIDE. Seriously????

[madthereaper]

Hey Guys,

 

I need your help, I 'm gonna keep this short.

 

 

I was dating this girl for 3 months,we were in a relationship for 2 months. She lost interest (I was needy,didn't have much else going on other than her etc.) so we broke up about one and a half month ago. After the break-up I only contacted her only once. After that I sometimes saw her at school and and waved "Hello" and smiled. About one week ago she initiated contact at school for the first time. I was pleasantly surprised, it was pretty smooth and funny and I ended it first. A little later in the PC lab she saw me going through other girls pics on FB in an attempt to make her a bit jealous and look like I had moved on. The next day I ignored her.After that, three days ago I thought I should make some small talk to get back into basic contact with but she was pretty cold with me, like she was angry or something had bothered her.Yesterday I met her again at school but we didn't speak at all even though we were standing next to each other for some time.

 

Probably the jealousy incident..

Her re-acting that way is bad or good?

 

How should I handle it from now on?

[mrnicguy6]

need more posts about this actually working.. lol

[Shane Falco]

need more posts about this actually working.. lol

 

I'm putting this approach into play and making progess. Too early to say if I'll be successful, but I've been gradually moving in the right direction. So we'll see. But yeah, if you try this approach before you are ready, it'll blow up in your face.

[TheSpoon2Big]

I'd love some feedback on how to implement this if you WORK with your ex and have to see them every day? .....

[Shane Falco]

I'd love some feedback on how to implement this if you WORK with your ex and have to see them every day? .....

 

Get a new job. If not possible, talk to them about work and work only for a while until you are "healed". But seriously, working with an ex sucks.