How I Got Her Back The First Time, Thoughts on NC, Etc.

[shackazu]

Hey Olesun, so I have been silently following your thread, and you seem to have a lot of wisdom. I was wondering if you would be willing to give me your take on my situation? It's kind of long, so feel free to skim--I just wanted to make sure that you have all the context, because it's important.

 

Essentially, we were together for about 7 months, (my senior year of college, her junior year), 2 of those months spent living together in Africa interning for an NGO last summer. I was hesitant about doing long distance because I was afraid of getting hurt like my last long distance relationship, and because I didn't see an end to it since we are from different countries and our post-grad futures seemed very up in the air about where we would be/go. So for a couple months she felt like I was very torn about being with her. Also, I am mixed race (half black), and have insecurities about it from my childhood. I always made comments about my lighter skin and my blue eyes; she is Indian, and darker than me. One night in Africa we had a deep discussion about our childhoods and race, and then a week or so later we had a little spat, and I could tell there was something more going on, so I pressed her and she said "the thing that sucks the most is, I know I'm not the girl for you because I'm not the right color." Those words seared me, because they made me realize how insecure about myself I was. I was so thrown off that I didn't handle the conversation the right way--I should have emphatically and leaving no room for error told her it wasn't true, that I loved her and only her, and wanted to be with her. Anyway, afterwards we seemed to make up, the rest of the summer went really well, although she said that I needed to really change things about myself if we were going to be together long term. But then I ****ed up big time. We left Africa not together--which was mainly me, going back to my LD fears. Leaving each other in the airport killed her, but really only hit me a few weeks later, at which point (we had still kept in very close touch, talking nearly every day) I asked her for us to figure out how we could actually stay together. She suggested that we be in the stage when two people like each other but aren't in a relationship yet, telling me she loved me, and I agreed (another mistake, should have straight up said I wanted her back no ambiguities).

 

Then, about a month later she broke up with me, giving me a lot of conflicting different reasons, and much later admitted to me that she was still in love with me when she broke up, but didn't think she should be with someone who had been so torn about her. We stayed in close touch initially, until two months later I tried to get back together--she was on the fence, then after two weeks told me she didn't want to. We had about a month and a half NC, then I contacted her, visited her city, had dinner with her and her family twice, then had a walk on the beach and tried to have the conversation again, and she told me that she didn't love me, had gotten over me, and that we weren't soulmates. That night I emailed her a letter I had written in September about those childhood incidents that affected me but had never sent her, saying that maybe she was right that we weren't meant to be bc if we were then we would both still love each other, and that maybe after a long time i would get back in touch and maybe we could be rebuild a friendship. She replied initially something short about how she would always be there for me, then again a few hours later saying:

 

"Also, I'm sorry you have been marked by the incidents you told me about. No child should have to feel like that. But, I know you will work through everything and will be at peace with the incredible person that you are. I was wrong bc I don't think I really saw your true soul. Youre the one who is a bright pearl [this is a reference to a letter I wrote her at the end of the summer when we left Africa, in which I told her that her soul was the most beautiful and breathtaking pearl]. You just have to uncover it.

And no matter what happens, I can promise you I will never forget what we had. I loved you dearly and I will always remember the wonderful, beautiful times we have had together. It will be our secret forever.

I'm sorry for all the pain I have and am causing you. Take good care of yourself."

 

I never responded, and I haven't heard from her since. That was January 19th. So it has been a month that I haven't heard from her, not even to check in and see how the knee surgery that I had went. I'm not sure what my next move is, and though I have tried to stop overanalyzing, that bolded line has been nagging at me, what she was referring to be wrong about--I keep thinking it's about her having said that we weren't meant to be. Where do I go from here?

[rippedinsides]

NC is what you need right now. When the words "depressed" and "pain" and "hurt" are in your daily vocabulary, you have healing to do.

Take solace in the fact that he's reaching out to you and use this time to get yourself back on your feet. He isn't going to disappear.

If you feel more comfortable letting him know you need some time to heal, please do. Whatever you need to do to start feeling better.

Once you're there, come back here and we'll start talking ideas.

 

Does the pain ever go away, I wonder. It's been almost a year since BU. And it hurts even more when he tries to contact me and I don't respond. When we do speak he keeps telling me to get better. I just listen. How can I ever tell him that I need him so much? I don't know if I will ever reach a stage where I will heal. I feel like just ending my life and finishing the whole thing.

[olesun]

Shack, i can't read this story and give you the information you need. There are so many details that I can't actually even pinpoint what you're curious about.

Can you edit your post and break it down to about a paragraph for me? I don't want to set a precedent in this thread that if you post a massive story, I'll have the time to respond.

But I would like to give you some thoughts.

 

I know that the details of your breakup seem important to you. But for the most part, aside from a very, very few items, the details are irrelevant.

Try your best to boil them down to a single paragraph and I'll be able to help you much, much more easily.

[olesun]

Does the pain ever go away, I wonder. It's been almost a year since BU. And it hurts even more when he tries to contact me and I don't respond. When we do speak he keeps telling me to get better. I just listen. How can I ever tell him that I need him so much? I don't know if I will ever reach a stage where I will heal. I feel like just ending my life and finishing the whole thing.

 

You need to cut communication from him. Temporarily. You need to let him know that you need a little time to heal.

You are not going to heal because you're not being proactive about it. Healing isn't a process that just happens without any action your part.

 

Think of it this way, if someone shot you with an arrow and it was still in your shoulder, do you think it's going to heal?

Are you just going to walk around with the arrow in your shoulder, bleeding profusely and thinking it's going to be just fine?

Sounds ridiculous right?

 

As for "ending your life". I won't tolerate that kind of talk in this thread. If you are genuinely considering thoughts like that, it's time to get some therapy

and medication. (Don't view this as a bad thing! I've been there myself!) If you're just saying it casually, you should realize it's time to seriously get proactive

about healing.

 

It doesn't just happen, Ripped. If you walk around feeling bad for yourself, it will never get better.

[shackazu]

Hey Olesun. I edited it, still more than a paragraph, but I think that if you read paragraph number 1, you will see why I am so certain those details are extremely relevant. Thanks bud.

[rippedinsides]

You need to cut communication from him. Temporarily. You need to let him know that you need a little time to heal.

You are not going to heal because you're not being proactive about it. Healing isn't a process that just happens without any action your part.

 

I'm afraid that if I cut communication with him, I might lose him completely. He will be more than ready to cut communication with me if I tell him that I need this to be able to heal. But then I keep wondering...what if he agrees and if he forgets me?

[olesun]

Shack:

 

To begin with, the details aren't really that important. I'm still not entirely sure what happened with this race thing.

However, she seems to be a very headstrong woman and has made up her mind. She seems to have indicated that there are

some very serious changes she wanted to see take place in you and didn't feel that they occurred. Can you say, with any honesty, that they've

actually happened? You most likely still need to work on yourself.

 

Her last words were very final. It's hard to say what's best for you at this point, because she wasn't exactly ambiguous and this was such a short lived

relationship. With short term things like this, I think your initial idea of sending a postcard isn't a bad idea. You seem to be comfortable with being out of touch

for extended periods of time, which means you can likely apply the rules on the first post of this thread with some ease. Just don't be overbearing.

[olesun]

I'm afraid that if I cut communication with him, I might lose him completely. He will be more than ready to cut communication with me if I tell him that I need this to be able to heal. But then I keep wondering...what if he agrees and if he forgets me?

 

You're clearly hurting very much. Because you're not thinking clearly.

 

Have you ever forgotten anyone you've spent a considerable amount of time with in your life? Ever?

You know the answer. You know the right thing to do. It's time to get on your feet.

[Ne Moe]

I have just split from someone after 10 months together and told him I want some space before I talk to him again. He isn't keen on not staying in touch at all. We left it at him asking me to give him a text or call sometime to let him know how I am because he would like to stay in touch. He was feeling too much pressure in the relationship and now that we've had a few days apart I can see where he was coming from (long story).

Anyway, we are on NC but I just know in my heart and soul, in a matter of days he will get in touch to see how I am. I think in terms of NC I am far stronger than he will be.

We still have feelings for each other and the relationship was good for the most part. There's nobody else involved and he actually just wanted a break but after a lot of soul searching, I decided a breakup was fairer on me and he then agreed.

 

I do want him back, I think we were great together and he has told me that he was very happy with me but things just moved too fast.

 

So when he contacts me, what do I do? Ignore him or reply nicely and then go back to NC?

 

We're only officially broken up a few days but prior to that we had been on a bit of a break (3 weeks) to give him time to think. The same thing happened then. I would say we should take a total break from texting, calling and seeing each other but he would be in touch within a day or two. We weren't sleeping together during this break, just meeting for coffee. The problem was week in and week out, he would fail to make any decision about what he wanted. That's why eventually I said a break wasn't going to work and we need to break up so that I can get on with my life while he sorts himself out. And that is what I have been doing. I've been making plans with friends and am pretty solidly booked up for the next few weeks. I had neglected this side of my life and I think that is why he felt too pressured. So I am sorting myself out and working on myself. I've lost weight too. Nothing like the heartbreak diet!

 

Anyway, I'm rambling, but basically when he texts me, how should I respond, if at all?

[zep]

Hey Olesun. I edited it, still more than a paragraph, but I think that if you read paragraph number 1, you will see why I am so certain those details are extremely relevant. Thanks bud.

 

Shackazu, I think you are putting wwwaaaayy too much emphasis on the race thing. Nothig she is saying indicates that was a deciding factor. I really think the only thing that matters is the part where she said she fell out of love with you really quickly, got over you very quickly, and therefore doesn't think you are soulmates.

[rippedinsides]

Think of it this way, if someone shot you with an arrow and it was still in your shoulder, do you think it's going to heal?

Are you just going to walk around with the arrow in your shoulder, bleeding profusely and thinking it's going to be just fine?

No I wouldn't. But when it's someone whom you loves who wounds you deeply, there are times you find yourself in such a state of deep sorrow that you at times lack the strength you need to be able to push yourself to take steps to heal. There are some days when I feel like I can really make it and I feel a bit better. Days like today...I can't explain! It also scares me because it's been almost a year and I still love him as much as I did before he left me. I fear whether I will ever heal.

 

As for "ending your life". I won't tolerate that kind of talk in this thread. If you are genuinely considering thoughts like that, it's time to get some therapy

and medication. (Don't view this as a bad thing! I've been there myself!) If you're just saying it casually, you should realize it's time to seriously get proactive

about healing.

 

It was a casual statement because I often feel that I wish this pain would be numbed forever. I'm not so weak to really take my life. Just so tired of all this stress. If being good to your man doesn't help him appreciate you and love you, then I don't know what ever will. Especially since the breakup came just days after we had some major breakthroughs in our relationship, he said he was head over heels in love with me and even showed it in his actions. And then when his work increased he just started freezing and one fine day he called it quits. I've been there with him every step of the way - even when others let him down I've been there.

[zep]

Rippedinsides, it is taking you so long to heal because you still see your ex all the time at work and interact with him at work. I sent you a message about 3 months ago about how essential it is in your life to find another job. You only live once. Olesn is right, you need to be proactive about healing and take steps to make it happen.

 

If I were you I would read a bit about some strong, indepedent women in history and try to get some inspiration. You dont need to be this weak, destroyed thing because of love. Everyone falls in love, everyone goes through heartbreak. EVERYONE has the ability to pick themselves up and move on and have a wonderful life with or without their ex's. I think you need to dig down for some personal strength and snap yourself out of this helpless-victim mentality.

[olesun]

No I wouldn't. But when it's someone whom you loves who wounds you deeply, there are times you find yourself in such a state of deep sorrow that you at times lack the strength you need to be able to push yourself to take steps to heal. There are some days when I feel like I can really make it and I feel a bit better. Days like today...I can't explain! It also scares me because it's been almost a year and I still love him as much as I did before he left me. I fear whether I will ever heal.

 

Why are you trying to tell me like I don't know what it feels like? I get it. I'm just trying to tell you that it's a waste of time.

You're giving these feelings of sorrow and despair more significance than they deserve. It's your way of acting out your love for him while he's not there.

But it's not love. It's wallowing. And it's killing you. Anyone would tell you that the reason you're not healing is because you're still in touch.

The arrow is still inside you. How the hell are you supposed to heal? If you love him, you NEED to get better. ASAP.

And you can't do that with him in your life.

 

It was a casual statement because I often feel that I wish this pain would be numbed forever. I'm not so weak to really take my life. Just so tired of all this stress. If being good to your man doesn't help him appreciate you and love you, then I don't know what ever will. Especially since the breakup came just days after we had some major breakthroughs in our relationship, he said he was head over heels in love with me and even showed it in his actions. And then when his work increased he just started freezing and one fine day he called it quits. I've been there with him every step of the way - even when others let him down I've been there.

 

You likely had your own faults and contributed to the break up. But keep in mind that commitment issues, psychological issues that prevent people from being close and other factors are no joke. They're not just cliches. Sometimes they are very, very real factors that can destroy even the most beautiful things. No matter how good they are. Sometimes, the one you love will push you away even if you have been there since day one because that's the only way they know how to be. But right now, this isn't important. You are.

 

Edit: I just read Zep's post. And I agree. You need to get a new job.

[rippedinsides]

Have you ever forgotten anyone you've spent a considerable amount of time with in your life? Ever?

 

No I haven't. But then...I've not left anyone I love ever, either. I've stuck on despite really rough times in life. I don't understand how someone can claim to love another person and then just leave them and let them suffer when things get tough. It makes me wonder, if they can do this, then what stops them from forgetting all the times we shared, the great memories and much more.

 

But I guess you're right. I anyway can't change his mind. I don't want to force him. If he ever wants me back it has to come from his heart and I can't manipulate that desire. I wish I could close my eyes and wake up and find this is all just a horrible nightmare.

[rippedinsides]

Rippedinsides, it is taking you so long to heal because you still see your ex all the time at work and interact with him at work. I sent you a message about 3 months ago about how essential it is in your life to find another job.

 

Yes you have. I've tried doing that. Got another job. But then when I turned in my resignation I was informed that my bond with the company still runs (I forgot that we had both signed on shortly after leaving college). So for another 18 months I'm stuck here. We don't meet each other anymore at work because I take pains not to. And of late the cases he's handling have become more complex so he spends much of his time studying and working closely with patients.

 

I've been through two previous breakups. There were no rebounds. But I managed to get through them. It hurt badly for a couple of months but never did it hurt this badly. I do want to get out of this. I'm on stress pills to help me sleep each night. When I wake up most mornings, though, it's like I'm paralyzed with pain. There are some days I'm able to cope with it. Some days I even feel good. But there are days like today that are hell!

[rippedinsides]

You likely had your own faults and contributed to the break up.

 

I did. I was a doormat, thought he was my world and I guess I was too needy.

[shackazu]

Well the race thing probably seems ambiguous because I didn't add enough context and detail...but essentially I guess what's important is that she felt emotionally betrayed.

 

But anyway, I know we weren't together long, but I was her first love, and she felt incredibly intensely and strongly about me--the whole relationship it was a lot of her saying things about wanting to spend the rest of her life with me, looking to the future, etc. And even that last meeting, she still seemed to make a big deal out of me being her first love.

 

I just can't stop beating myself up for being so stupid. Part of the reason I didn't want to do LD was because I saw her as real long term potential, and I was afraid LD would ruin that, and that it would be better to break up before instead of after a year or two of LD, because it would be less final and leave the door open. But it seems from lots of stories here that when people get back together it's because they have so much history with each other. And I feel like I so shot myself in the foot.

[shackazu]

Shackazu, I think you are putting wwwaaaayy too much emphasis on the race thing. Nothig she is saying indicates that was a deciding factor. I really think the only thing that matters is the part where she said she fell out of love with you really quickly, got over you very quickly, and therefore doesn't think you are soulmates.

 

That's why the sentence I bolded, where in my email to her I said "Maybe you were right, we weren't meant to be..." and she replied "I was wrong because I don't think I really saw your true soul. seems significant to me. Don't you think that's what she was saying she was wrong about? To think that we aren't soumates?

[shackazu]

No I wouldn't. But when it's someone whom you loves who wounds you deeply, there are times you find yourself in such a state of deep sorrow that you at times lack the strength you need to be able to push yourself to take steps to heal. There are some days when I feel like I can really make it and I feel a bit better. Days like today...I can't explain! It also scares me because it's been almost a year and I still love him as much as I did before he left me. I fear whether I will ever heal.

 

I understand you so completely rippedinsides This is the way I have felt for six months, and I am afraid that it will just continue. I don't understand how she could have gotten over me so "quickly" when I still feel this way about her. Just letting you know that I am really empathizing with you, and I hope you feel better.

[olesun]

I did. I was a doormat, thought he was my world and I guess I was too needy.

 

It doesn't sound like much has changed, Ripped. You're not in a position to reconcile the relationship.

It's seriously time for you to heal. And I think heading over to the "Healing" forum might have some more leads for you to get back on your feet.

When you're back to the confident woman you used to be, head on back here and we'll start brewing up some ideas.

 

That's why the sentence I bolded, where in my email to her I said "Maybe you were right, we weren't meant to be..." and she replied "I was wrong because I don't think I really saw your true soul. seems significant to me. Don't you think that's what she was saying she was wrong about? To think that we aren't soumates?

 

I don't think it matters. We could sit here and try to interpret the text all day long and it won't help.

I think continuing to move forward, while occasionally maintaining a degree of light contact is the only thing you can do at this point.

[HoldOnToHope]

hi olesun, in short my ex girl and i broke up cause of commitment issues (marriage and settling down). She's older than me by 2 years and had been working while i still have 3 years(1 year studies + 2 years of military service) before i start working. On the day of the break up she stated she loves me very much and this break up is pretty much caused by me for not being able to provide her with financial security.

 

I have been working on myself like trying harder at my studies and getting my hobbies back and try to become a better person because i understand that no matter what happens, life still goes on. I feel that it was a good 5 years together and being not able to continue this relationship just because of me not having a job is such a pity..so i was just wondering if u have any advice for me? should i try to get her back?

 

Any sort of advice would be helpful..Thanks.

[olesun]

In a sense, she gave you the most straight forward reasoning for the break up you could have asked for.

What you need to do is ask yourself what she's worth to you.

 

Could you abandon your military service and studies, get a job in the workforce and ask her to marry you?

 

Or are your present goals more important?

 

There are no wrong answers. But she's made it abundantly clear what she wants.

And she doesn't seem willing to tolerate things as they are. That's not the sign of a great partner.

But she's being honest. And that deserves respect.

 

The decision is yours.

[shackazu]

 

I don't think it matters. We could sit here and try to interpret the text all day long and it won't help.

I think continuing to move forward, while occasionally maintaining a degree of light contact is the only thing you can do at this point.

 

So should I wait until mid-April then unless she contacts me first? I didn't go NC to try and manipulate her, I honestly thought it was the only way for me to really move on. But I can't. I think about this constantly to the exclusion of a lot of other stuff I should be doing. I'm alright insofar as I can keep the NC, but I am not ok in the truly moving on department. I love her, and that's not going to change. And I know that there is a lot of work I need to do on myself still. Including accepting the fact that she has been with (at least) someone else since we broke up, which at the moment would be a big hurdle to us getting back together, even if she were to come running back to me tomorrow.

[olesun]

So should I wait until mid-April then unless she contacts me first? I didn't go NC to try and manipulate her, I honestly thought it was the only way for me to really move on. But I can't. I think about this constantly to the exclusion of a lot of other stuff I should be doing. I'm alright insofar as I can keep the NC, but I am not ok in the truly moving on department. I love her, and that's not going to change. And I know that there is a lot of work I need to do on myself still. Including accepting the fact that she has been with (at least) someone else since we broke up, which at the moment would be a big hurdle to us getting back together, even if she were to come running back to me tomorrow.

 

It shouldn't be a big hurdle for you to get back together. If you have accepted it, it's not a hurdle.

If you haven't accepted it, you won't be able to get back together. She broke up with you.

She also did so amicably and to some degree, respectfully.

 

I apologize if I seem a bit frustrated, but the answers are right there in the first post of this thread.

You need to live your life. It doesn't mean you need to stop loving her. But you need to live your life and have fun doing it.

Reach out to her from time to time. Keep it casual. But anything else will just be overwhelming. Don't view this as a game.

As it stands, I highly doubt that she'll be reaching out to you on her own. It was just too short of a relationship.

[Rio81]

Hello all, well this thread really got my attention. Olesun seems to be giving most of the advices, but please feel free everyone who wants to share your opinion about my case. I just registered today and I will also try to help out in the cases I know I can be of help.

 

My case is a long distance relationship. I am Brazil and she is from Ukraine. We mostly had a long distance relationship for 4 months, then we decided to try things out living together in Rio. The idea was to try out but for her it was something more serious (lack of communication and setting expectations). She came to live with me but things then started falling apart, even though we had also great times together and she and my family loved each other. But I started feeling more distant. We kept having these small daily fights and I really wanted her to go for a time. We both had a hard temper. We went from dating in a distance to "marriage" in a second. So she asked for us to try again, but I thought it would be best for her to go and then we would see. So she suffered a lot. Then 5 months later we met again and then she was the one to say she did not know what she wanted, and to stay as friends. I reversed that and we got back together (that is when I realized I really liked her by her showing the confidence to be able to live without me). Then we broke up again in Sept 2012 when she was almost coming (she wanted to travel around and I wanted to visit and stay the whole time in ukraine with her parents). Another silly thing, but underlying that was a lack of trust from her that I would be able to stand by her in a difficult situation). I could have handled the situation better as I am more experienced than her (31yo and she is 24).

 

We did not contact one another and we both had relationships for a month and I really did not care. In December she came to Rio by surprise (she loves the city) by an invitation of a common friend. I did not know but he gave me the tip because he felt that the story was not finished yet. We met again and I went from zero to full throttle and we stayed as a couple for 3 days but she said she did not know anymore, she was confused. As living in another country and leaving your family behind is tough and she was not sure about her feelings now any longer. During January and back to long distance I insisted by calls and she asked for time. I was a bit needy that month. I went by surprise to Ukraine for 6 days (last week) by invitation of this same friend and she appeared there also. It was fun but as you would have guessed it didn´t work to try to come back, she said she wasn´t ready yet. We kissed a few times and had a great time together, especially in the last two days with just us in romantic restaurants (again, I know it is against what people recommend, but we live 10000km away). I really enjoyed and tried to not insist. She said she also liked it a lot but still confused. And that she is hiding her feelings because of the hurt she suffered (I don´t know if this part is true, but she swears)

 

She does not have anyone at the moment. Now I am doing a NC since Friday (I have been dating girls these last month and started doing a lot of new things, like wakeboarding and posted the pics in FB which attracted a lot of comments from women mostly, nothing like a good PR). Yesreday she called twice and texted me asking about me, my weekend, how great I looked doing wakeboard, she sent a very nice picture of her etc yesterday. I replied in a kind but in a offstandish manner.

 

Her birthday will be this Sunday, do I call her? What would you recommend to do from here? I showed to her during her small stay in Rio how much I changed and she said that herself, but that she is the one that needs time now to think about all this.