LonelyPast Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 "Hi Alex! Glad to hear skiing went so well - it's such a refreshing sport. Something about the white snow and gliding effortlessly around... I am a very honest person, so I wanted to be up front with you about something. There is a gentleman friend who I have been interested in for several months and over the weekend (he works with me) I had some hints that perhaps he is interested in taking it to the next level. I really want to see where this could go as I think we could have a really good relationship. That being said, I do want to see where you and I could go. I have enjoyed spending time with you and we seem to have a lot in common. However, I don't think it would be fair, given that you have made it clear you're tired of the dating world (which makes me think you're thinking relationships instead) to drag you along while I see if this other thing goes somewhere. If you don't mind knowing that I may date someone else while dating you, and wouldn't be committing to a relationship until I figure that out (I would guess in a few months), I'd love to see you again soon. But I can totally understand if you're not interested in that. So think about it, and let me know what you think. Cheers, Christine" Most women have left me guessing, so the honesty here is refreshing. That being said, my gut reaction to this isn't a good one. All I want is to be given a fair chance, and in my mind that means starting exclusively and seeing whether things are worth pursuing or not over the course of the first few dates. Perhaps that is just my mind though. I know everybody and her mother multi-dates these days, and it's starting to feel like if I want to play the game then that's how it's got to be played. The very idea is senseless to me though, since between two active adults it can be hard to schedule anything as it is. Juggling two guys at once just seems to be a half-assed commitment to each of us (though admittedly she works with this dude every day, so where the hell would I fit in?). She's right. I'm tired of the dating world. There's always some crap like this that keeps things from being simple and progressing naturally. I could easily tell her off and go back to sulking by myself. It's not like she's done anything wrong by being honest and polite though, instead of allowing me to blunder on dating and entertaining her while she has her eyes on some other dude (like a dozen women before her). If I try hard, I can even see how she might have found herself in these circumstances. Like I also said, this is just how the game is played these days, and a part of me says to suck it up, put my best foot forward, and try not to worry about the other guy(s). I don't want my preference towards exclusivity to be an excuse that forever keeps me from exploring prospects that might bud into healthy relationships if I stick with them. Is this an aspect of my character that I ought to overcome, or just accept and wait for somebody to match it? I like this girl, but I'm also tempted to fold, cut my losses, walk away from the dating table, and do something more enjoyable with my time. How would you react? Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 myself .....I would walk away , I wouldn't be in this deal at all to see if I am the winner. fair play to her for her honesty . and sorry to you that this is happening ..DON'T LET IT KNOCK YOU DOWN x Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 may I just add she liked this man before she met you ...and only now has he given her the green light , so she has clearly made him her number one interest and by telling you , if you agree to this I think your just a back up plan more than a choice . If it works with him you will be given the boot ...she finds she hasnt got the chemistry with him ..well your already in the system ..great ..for her . Link to comment
morrowrd Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 Dating is a tool, and like any tool, you need to have a goal in mind. Analogywise, are you building a deck? Or a house? You have decided that you've had enough of casual dating, and want a secure relationship. Christine is still using her dating tool to sift through possibilities - and she is unsure that you are what she wants, but you are good enough to hang on to while she checks out "other options." If those other options "in a couple of months" outweigh her feelings of opportunity with you, she will move on. You have two choices here: You can walk away, and extract yourself from this and continue your hunt for the specific goal you have in mind, and that is finding a girl who wants what you want. Or, you can tell Christine that you're ok with it, provided she knows you are going to be dating others as well. However, I'm guessing based on your post, that by choosing number #2 option, you would be doing what you said you are tired of, and that is the dating game. Unfortunately, sometimes to get something good, you have to wait and see. Is Christine worth that gamble? If it were me, and I really liked her, and she sent me that message, I would probably extract myself and write back to her something along the lines of that I would rather say goodbye now, while things are good between us, than a couple months down the road after I've invested myself, and now have to deal with hurt on top of the rejection. And wish her good luck. But thats me, not you. Finding love is a gamble. But when you find it, you'll decide it was worth it. Link to comment
offplanet Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 I think don't give up on dating yet, but give up on Christine. That situation wouldn't be very nice for you. Keep looking, there will be someone. Link to comment
Steve75 Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 Well I guess that is better than avoiding you and lying so atleast you know where u stand now. Link to comment
Unknown1607307972 Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 I really respect her honesty and I think she did the right thing there. I myself wouldn't feel comfortable being up against someone that person had been interested in for months, so I would walk away, but it's your call. Link to comment
EssexMan Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 What everyone else says. Walk away in a friendly fashion. Apart from anything else, if you carry on seeing her you will always be aware you are second choice. That's going to sour things on its own. Link to comment
Not a rookie Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 Hi Alex, I translated Christine's letter for you: "You better make a freaking move/step up your game or I am going to commit to another guy." LOL I doubt that the other guy exists and this is all bull. She sounds like a control freak.. I mean such a message after TWO DATES, come one now...I am sure she has other tools in her box which she will use if yes yes to this. Tell her you wish her the best. Goodbye... Link to comment
Fudgie Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 I would tell her goodbye and not letting look back. Even if she did change her mind, keep in mind that you are second choice. You're basically going to get this guy's sloppy seconds, figuratively. Any relationship you guys would have would be tarnished by this fact. That she made a choice to drop you to pursue someone else, then when it didn't work out, she went back to you. Do you really want to be with someone like that? Link to comment
happpybear Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 i agree with the majority here, you are her second choice, she has liked this guy before you and has been waiting for him to make a sign, meantime she has likely only been dating around to distract her from her feelings for the other guy. sticking around will have you lose your self-respect, so you move on too. I personally have no clue how people multi-date, i can't do it either, and i don't wanna date someone who is seeing 2-3 people at the same time, you never feel like you have their full attention. Link to comment
Heather Dawn Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 may I just add she liked this man before she met you ...and only now has he given her the green light , so she has clearly made him her number one interest and by telling you , if you agree to this I think your just a back up plan more than a choice . If it works with him you will be given the boot ...she finds she hasnt got the chemistry with him ..well your already in the system ..great ..for her . Totally agree with Shooting Star. What that email is saying is, "I really dig this guy, but I didn't know there was ay interest on his part so I went out with you. Now that I know he may feel the same, I'm hoping something will happen with us. However, I'd like to keep you on deck just in case it doesn't work with him. Would you agree to be my back-up?" Link to comment
amipushy Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 Totally agree with Shooting Star. What that email is saying is, "I really dig this guy, but I didn't know there was ay interest on his part so I went out with you. Now that I know he may feel the same, I'm hoping something will happen with us. However, I'd like to keep you on deck just in case it doesn't work with him. Would you agree to be my back-up?" Yep, thats it exactly. Link to comment
mfan Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 It sounds like you should wait a few months and then call her. Link to comment
oldenoughtoknow Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 I would thank her for her honesty and tell her to call you if things don't work out. Link to comment
blueidealist24 Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 I would stop seeing her. It sounds like you're the backup plan, the second choice if things don't work out with the first guy. You could potentially waste a lot of time trying to compete with him for her, and have her choose him in the end anyway. You could be spending that time pursuing someone else. Btw, I bet she hasn't told HIM about you. She wants him to think he's her one and only since she really does want to be with him. Link to comment
PaintWithLight Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 You have been given a fair chance and she chose another guy over you. Stay with your original thought that is good that she was honest with you. Do not speculate that you should put more time into this. Cut your losses and move on. Do not be fooled with some kind of "work to make her like me" strategy. Women know within the first 45 seconds if the guy is worth sleeping with or not. Two dates is plenty of time for her to envision you and her together. She politely told you she has another interest instead. Do not give in to being bitter, move forward with confidence. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 The thing is - you are dating multiple also. You were going out with at least 2 different girls a week, no? She is just being upfront about it. And really, it could be that she could date both of you and figure out she rather be with you if she is just casually (no sex) dating you both while you continue to date others also until something clicks. But if you don't like knowing that, tell her that you would rather date someone exclusively to get to know them. She may end up deciding to date you after you say that or she may want to date the other guy. It is your choice whether you say "call me if it doesn't work out" or "goodbye". I think that if your goal is to date and get beyond a second date and you just want dating experience, then that is one thing and you should date her. If you are looking for the "one" right now than I say let her know that your intentions aren't to multiple date and move on. But what do you do about the multiple dates a week? Do you accept a date from one girl and then don't plan a date with anyone else to see where it goes? Or are you still accepting dates from more than one girl a week to see how some things shake out....like this young woman is doing. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 I will say that when I met my boyfriend, after date one I wasn't interested in going out with anyone else. SO if you both didn't feel that way, move on...but if you just want to have the dating experience to get confidence - then go for it. Link to comment
j.man Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 The "next level" reference to her coworker seems kind of ambiguous to me, but if you enjoy hanging out with this woman, I say keep going for it. I'd follow up and ask if she's been actually meeting this guy for several months or if this is just a budding interest. There's nothing wrong with a little competition. Do you want her to choose you because you were her only choice or because she weighed you against someone else and decided you were the better option? I used to be a very exclusive dater and still am to an extent, but I've never minded a woman considering her options. You're not in a competition to be a better man than anyone else. Just be yourself around her and if you're who she would be happy with, she'll go for you. Link to comment
LonelyPast Posted February 5, 2013 Author Share Posted February 5, 2013 The thing is - you are dating multiple also. You were going out with at least 2 different girls a week, no? Yes, I've been dating several women in a row these last couple of months, but never at the same time. In each and every case I waited to see where things were going before moving on to the next lady. Unfortunately, the vast majority of these interactions went nowhere after the first date, so there's been some pretty quick turnover. If things seem worth pursuing after the first encounter I hold off on dating other women. This has been the case with Christine these last couple of weeks. Also worth mentioning: As a guy doing online dating I always have to start by sending out tons of messages online, so I sometimes have to stop, explain the situation, and turn down ladies I haven't met yet after I've met somebody else whom I'd like to see a second time. With all the first date failures I've been through lately, this hasn't even been necessary. I will say that when I met my boyfriend, after date one I wasn't interested in going out with anyone else. SO if you both didn't feel that way, move on...but if you just want to have the dating experience to get confidence - then go for it. And that's just the thing! I think it's easy to tell after a first date whether things have the potential to develop further. That seems rare enough that when it happens I'd rather focus on those interactions instead of chasing after other women. Unfortunately, this seems to be interpreted as desperation and a desire to immediately get married, have kids, and spend all of our time together. It's not like that at all! I still want to start off dating, but with the added courtesy of taking the woman seriously and making time for her while we see where things go. In return, all of these multi-dating modern women just treat me like another side dish in the buffet line. Weeks go by while I wait for them to go through their boy line-ups and come back for a second helping. I'm not sure if it's irritation, self-respect, or a combination of both, but I'm done putting up with that. Link to comment
Not a rookie Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 I think online dating is horrendous, maybe you should try meeting potential dates offline. How is the dating scene offline where you are? Link to comment
LonelyPast Posted February 6, 2013 Author Share Posted February 6, 2013 It's more or less a recap of what I've written here, but I just sent her the following message: " Thanks for the honesty Christine. That's a rare thing! Unfortunately, I'm not a big fan of multi-dating, and that's one of the primary reasons I'm getting tired of all this. It's not that I want to jump into a relationship right away, but that I'd rather see where things go with each person before moving on to the next. To me it's just common courtesy, but I understand most folks don't see it that way. It sounds like you've had your eye on this guy for some time, so I think it'd be best for me to move on. Good luck! -Alex" I believe that'll be the end of that. Back to square zero! *sigh* I think online dating is horrendous, maybe you should try meeting potential dates offline. How is the dating scene offline where you are? Oh I agree completely! I've been banging my head against the online dating wall since 2007. I'm supposed to keep believing that it can work, but it never has. I used to think I was doing something wrong, but after getting help from dozens of people over the years and revising my profile a gazillion times, I'm realizing it's mostly just bad luck and bad apples. The only long-term relationship I've been in started in real life after we met naturally at an outdoor film festival. I'm still waiting for lightning to strike twice. In the meantime I'm getting out plenty and meeting all kinds of people. I hike, run, climb, do yoga, volunteer, hang out with friends, go to school, etc. I've met lots of seemingly compatible women over the years (maybe 100 or so), but 90% of them have boyfriends or husbands. The rest have either flaked out or rejected me before or after the first date. I've followed all the cliche advice about joining clubs, overcoming shyness, or asking friends if they know of any single ladies. None of it has panned out. My offline luck appears even worse than my online luck. I haven't given up, but I'm definitely feeling jaded. Perhaps if I stop looking love will magically appear out of nowhere when I least expect it and I can go riding off into the sunset like everybody claims... lol Link to comment
MsAdorkable Posted February 6, 2013 Share Posted February 6, 2013 While I'm sorry to hear things didn't work out with Christine I think you have done the right thing. Clearly the two of you have different dating styles and that is ok, but there is no sense in one of you compromising and being unhappy. It also sounds like the other guy is her front runner and because she works with him he'll have home court advantage. I think it would be really hard for you to work around that. Another thing I want to point out is that her honest message to you is a change in your dating life so far. In your other threads you've mentioned girls disappearing or just seeming to lose interest without explanation and Christine could very well be the start of a shift in that realm. There must be something about her that is different compared to those other girls that she felt the need to be honest with you and maybe that quality will be found in whatever woman you date next. Hopefully her being honest with you will be her saying she's into you as much as you're into her and she wants to date exclusively as well. Link to comment
Steve75 Posted February 6, 2013 Share Posted February 6, 2013 Hi Alex, I translated Christine's letter for you: "You better make a freaking move/step up your game or I am going to commit to another guy." LOL I doubt that the other guy exists and this is all bull. She sounds like a control freak.. I mean such a message after TWO DATES, come one now...I am sure she has other tools in her box which she will use if yes yes to this. Tell her you wish her the best. Goodbye... It has to be some type of feelings for him since she went through all that trouble to write that letter. I remember getting a similar letter years ago and felt good because i knew I was getting better at dating for a girl to go through all that trouble Link to comment
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