intimacy taken a nosedive

[robertpaulsen]

hi to whoever reads this and has some advice because im out of options here.

me and my lady have been dating for a little over three years we have had our ups and downs but have always been very close and intiimate and had a really active sex life. well just before the summer last year my gf had started to lose interest in sex but it was her last few months in college and exams etc were stressful so i just was there for her helped he how i could and took care of her and even though the lack of sex was quite frustrating and hurting i let it go. she then went abroad for the summer and when she came back she started slowely getiing worse with regards to sex and it caused alot of fights with me. now the last few weeks maybe longer she doesnt even seem like she wants to kiss me and when we have sex she buries her head like she doesnt want to be there, this has really upset me lately and im not one to show emotion alot but i couldnt help but cry today afterwards. i never thought someone i love so much would seem so unnatracted to me, even kissing or anythign doesnt really happen. she says she loves me, and when i ask her to please try figure out what is wrong she says its not possible to just think and figure it out?? i will be honest in saying at one stage i was probably wasnt helping with my frustration and pressure but then i stoopped lookin for sex and just focused on myself as i am in a very hard year in college and working to put myself through college. i even run er baths try romantic things like lingerie and suggest when she is home a romantic massage but she avoids it if it seems like it will lead to sex.

 

so you know i am 23 she is 21.

this is making me feel really **** about myself, i work hard and exercise eat healthy. i am very dedicated to her and i get propositioned all the time but i am at my wits end. i get more attention and compliments from strangers and i love her so much but i need to be happy too, its been hell for me.

 

what am i to do? a few years ago we were best friends really passionate easy going, our friends were jealous of us and how we were so close. now even though she says she loves me and crys when i say im not sure if i can go on what am i supposed to do? i cant waste another 6 months or more being unhappy with someone who wont identify or work on problems that she has.

 

please help

[SpottiOtti]

Did something traumatic happen to her when she was abroad?

 

Have you changed anything about yourself?

 

Is she experiencing depression? Has she recently changed birth control?

[DN]

i cant waste another 6 months or more being unhappy with someone who wont identify or work on problems that she has.

 

please help

If she is not prepared to change then you have no relationship. All you can do is accept being in an essentially sexless relationship or leave her. Very hard when you love someone but sex is an important part of a normal relationship.

[Ms Darcy]

Tell her the lack of sex is making you rethink the relationship.

[robertpaulsen]

nothing traumatic at all we were in good contact when she was in cali, and she was with my sister and everything so i would know. she went on a new pill around october but she was bad before then, well to be honest she is probably worse since. she has just finished college and we both work in a restaurant(shes a waitress i am in the kitchen) now which she hates not that the job is hard or anything she is just a bit lazy and tiny bit spoiled. i would say it i could be mild depression but ive been trying to help her for months to be more positive and be more active and be around her friends more like when she was in college but nothing is ever done and i get accused for hassling for trying to help, i always try to see the positive side of everything just the way ive grown up i worked hard for everything i have and things are not always great but i feel being positive keeps me sane and she hates this and accuses me of being argumentative. i have told her that i need things to change and she gets upset and does nothing, i feel guilty if i left her when she isnt herself but im afraid this is just her now, im afraid she will just stay that person who needs to moan and be negative about people and life and not be grateful of anything and im the polar opposite.

[robertpaulsen]

and in relation to myself i have changed over the years but all positive, like not being as wild not smoking pot or getting into fights, basically growing up. i feel im the best ive ever been im in great shape physically have a great realtionship with my family unlike my late teens, im studying forensic science which is tough but i love it and am doing really well in.

[SpottiOtti]

Robertpaulsen, I'm sorry but it sounds to me like she isn't in a place right now where she can be a good partner to you. It sounds as though she is very self-absorbed right now, and that maybe she doesn't understand what it takes to make a relationship work.

 

Have you laid it all out for her? You have a right to feel the way you do, and you have a right to express it to her. What you're asking for isn't unreasonable.

 

I would suggest that you think about what your actions will be, should she choose not to address this issue and try to put your relationship first. Before you have a serious talk with her.

[Psychomagnet]

Tell her the lack of sex is making you rethink the relationship.

 

Brilliant replies in this thread!

 

Look at it this way, if the shoe were on the other foot...I bet you anything she'd be either gone or searching to get those needs met elsewhere (that's what people normally end up doing in a situation like this). Kudos to you for being better than that but the point is YOUR needs are not being met and that's fundamental to any relationship. It's not all about her.

[robertpaulsen]

thanks for all the advice, thinks is time to just move on as scary as it all seems.

[Ms Darcy]

Sometimes moving on is for the best.