Define: "Healed" ?

[leftme]

I'm at a stage now where I'm ok with the break-up. I don't want her back and my life's progressed substantially for the better since D-day.

 

If I see her or hear of her it still gives me a twinge of pain though. Nothing desiring her or to speak to her but a brief reminder of happier times.

 

So I ask you, when can you consider yourself 'healed'?

[bw92116]

One definition: When you think of your ex with someone else, and it produces no reaction in you.

[Aii]

I'm actually in the exact state of where you are. I think 'healed' is different for everyone just because I've been through these rough time before but still don't make me an expert. In my scale, I consider myself half way there and in terms of twinge of pain when I hear or see her... well, that's the other half.

[wtm78]

I'm at a stage now where I'm ok with the break-up. I don't want her back and my life's progressed substantially for the better since D-day.

 

If I see her or hear of her it still gives me a twinge of pain though. Nothing desiring her or to speak to her but a brief reminder of happier times.

 

So I ask you, when can you consider yourself 'healed'?

 

When you don't have to post on this section of the forum. Its pretty much a good indication.

 

Don't worry about healing. Time will take care of it. Focus on yourself.

 

Hang in there buddy...

[Sportster2005]

I'm at a stage now where I'm ok with the break-up. I don't want her back and my life's progressed substantially for the better since D-day.

 

If I see her or hear of her it still gives me a twinge of pain though. Nothing desiring her or to speak to her but a brief reminder of happier times.

 

So I ask you, when can you consider yourself 'healed'?

 

Indifference. You don't think of them anymore. The thought of reconciling isn't appealing or unappealing, it's irrelevant. If you bump into them it's like bumping into someone you worked with years ago. You say hello, polite chit chat then you go about your life. Any sense of nostalgia is gone.

[bw92116]

Eventually you just reach a point where it doesn't seem like it's part of your current life any more. It's more like some movie you watched once. You remember it, in fact maybe you remember it clearly, but it's just a memory, not something you are currently living out. You remember how you felt, but you don't feel it again, you just remember the feeling. I wouldn't call it "healed," more like "resolved" but I guess it's just a matter of terminology.

[rocknrolla]

i find when your the one who breaks up with the person healing happens much quicker then when your then one being left behind. My current situation I'm the one being left behind, and every time i was in this position in past breakups I found my heart never completely let go of that person and was never completely healed until I found another person to share it with. Thats why I believe (for myself anyways) that I will not be able to completely stop loving my ex until I find another girl I can love. And thats what makes it so hard for me to really see new girls for THEIR OWN qualities without comparing them too much to my ex, because that love for her is still there inside my heart. But in the end I know that 1 of 2 things will happen and they"re both good, 1) fate will have its way of bringing us together again like it did so many times before we got together OR 2) I will find a new love.

[jenna-is-here]

Good point. I always just wondered if getting over them is really just truly forgetting all the details. Like we detach as we forget. I don't know. It's kind of a sad, unromantic way of thinking about it, but I sometimes wonder if that is why we have no feeling about it, because with time we simply forget the details of why we loved them (instead of resolved or healed).

[eastonweston]

^^^ that's an interesting theory

[markie6]

In the past, can't say I have noticed when the turning point was reached. It just happened that one day they were no longer the focal point of my thoughts during the quiet , contemplative times. Most people tell you to keep busy and you think of them less, but there are times when memories will come flooding back. I have always ignored theories that try and get you to numb or counter the pain that you will feel sooner or later anyway.

 

So sooner or later , depending on a thousand different variables.... you will reach a stage where you are no longer angry, bitter , happy or anything really. You can look at it objectively without any real troubling emotions attached. Chances are you will not notice when this happens, I know I haven't in the past. Now I know that point is there, somewhere on the horizon, it's the direction I am travelling in... no point dwelling on why can't I get there sooner, or whether it is close as those sorts of thoughts are not helpful in the grand scheme of things. When we get there will be different for all of us but it will happen

 

Many arrive at these forums in search of secret formulas , get an ex back or move on and forget quickly... sadly there are no such things... the old cliché .... time heals all wounds will be what we look back on and agreee with. Those of us who have been in the depths of despair before a few times can only try and remind those who are suffering badly the first time round , that time will works it's magic and there are no shortcuts to indifference. There are more things you can do to delay your arrival than speed up getting there

[jwhite]

Amen brother

[chamachama]

Healed = indifference. And "New" is synonymous with "healing" (at least in my mind).

 

You'll know when you're completely healed. I know that I'm completely healed from my divorce at this point. I'm not "completely" healed from my exgf. How do I know? I feel completely indifferent toward my exwife. If I saw her in the steet right now I would wave and smile and my day wouldn't be affected at all. If I saw my exgf, I really have no idea how I would feel. Most likely somewhere between wanting to hug her and wanting to "f" the ever living rats out of her with a slight chance of also simply waving and smiling and getting on with my day lol. I like to think it would be the latter but who knows at this point haha...

 

Meh...I'm almost over her I guess. She was one of the greats in my mind though. Memories that I now know will never fade. Life's good

[leftme]

Interesting view points. I know I'm not totally healed, it's not been long enough but I think a large degree of the small pain I feel here and there is that she betrayed me. The fact she lied at the end tarnishes the 4 years we spent together I think. I know I'm well on my way, however, because I'm starting to develop crushes on girls who I am interacting with in day to day life and these girls are girls I would have typically found attractive rather than simply anyone who shows interest (this was the case in the early stages).

 

I think I'm starting to believe in the theory that I'll be over her when I meet another person. I know in the last 5 months I've done a significant amount of the self-work I needed to do regarding, education, career, friendship, confidence and relationship skills. So I feel prepared to get re-involved with women - I guess, as you say, it's just a matter of time.

[chamachama]

Not sure what you mean by "involving" but if you're thinking that being intimate with another woman will take the residual pain away then you're mistaken unfortunately. Ya cant "F" it away...unfortunately lol. It doesn't do anything for the healing process aside from maybe giving you a well needed ego boost. The sad frustrating truth of it all is that time really is the only thing that heals a broken heart. However, it is definitely possible to extend the healing process by contacting them and anguishing and being a lump on a couch which you're obviously not doing (wtg btw man!, that's how you get over these things by doing things for YOU)..

[markie6]

I think I'm starting to believe in the theory that I'll be over her when I meet another person

that you love more... is the final piece of that statement ..

[learning2relax]

You never forget them but thoughts of them or reminders of the relationship either cause you to smile from a happy memory or don't cause you to feel anything one way or the other.....the pain is gone.

[Throwaway999]

i find when your the one who breaks up with the person healing happens much quicker then when your then one being left behind. My current situation I'm the one being left behind, and every time i was in this position in past breakups I found my heart never completely let go of that person and was never completely healed until I found another person to share it with.

 

I don't know about that. My absolute worst breakup was when I got cheated on and had to dump the cheater. I knew intellectually that I had to dump her. Not like the relationship could continue after that. I knew for my own sense of pride, that I had no choice but to dump her. But I was totally still in love with her, despite the betrayal and the humiliation. She was pleading like crazy for me not leave, to give her another chance. I knew if I hesitated, I'd hate myself for being such a schmuck. Doing it was just about the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I did it.

 

By contrast, in my most recent breakup, things hadn't been right between us for awhile, but the girl was really nice and I didn't have the heart to end it myself. If she hadn't done it, we'd probably still be sleepwalking through the relationship. I think I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm actually really glad it happened. I think she might have it harder than I do, actually, even though I'm the one who got dumped.

 

So what I'm trying to say is, don't let yourself use the fact that you were the dumpee as an excuse to have a big self-pity party. It's hard all around.