Finding Myself -- A Journal

[LikeWater]

I actually could not find this song on Youtube. It would seem that they've removed almost all traces of Acid Bath. Oh well, let the blackness roll on.

 

[video=vimeo;102163732] ]

[LikeWater]

I feel kind of disconnected lately. Like living on a plane of existence that's just barely outside, still touching, connected in some ways, yet still different. I was fulfilled with a righteous determination to expand my mind and to experience many different levels of consciousness. It involved not only delving into psychedelics but also completely sober methods of exploring, such as deep meditation and lucid dreaming.

 

The most difficult but enticing one for me was lucid dreaming. That s**t is difficult if you don't have a natural affinity towards it, and I definitely do not. I'm the type of dude who won't even remember his dreams a good 90% of the time. Like, at all. Some other percentage is filled by vaguely recalling small tidbits, and then the rest would be me recalling a large portion. Usually only the strange ones would stick. Very bizarre dreams that involved the most nonsensical things, you know? I was only ever able to fully experience a lucid dream twice. I was able to dip my toes into the water a few other times but... you really have to have a strong mind to stay within that realm. The hardest part is when you do finally achieve lucidity, it's so thrilling. And that enthralled feeling causes excitement, and excitement causes you to wake up and ruin everything.

 

I've since been too focused on other things, which is a sadness of its own. I just don't have the volition needed to keep exploring that part of my mind at the moment, and it would take months of preparation and work to even get back to being able to remember my dreams on a regular basis, which is required if you want to lucid dream. After all, if you can't remember your dreams then you could dream lucidly and never even realize. Wouldn't that suck?

 

Anyway, I'm here writing about this because I wonder how much all of this has changed me. Beyond what could be documented by a scientific team. How much have I been altered in ways that can't even be put into words? Possibly none at all. But I wonder, when you call something blue, and I agree that it is blue, does that necessarily mean that we see the same blue? All of your reality is what you perceive with your senses. Little electric signals firing through your brain. How much of that is different from person to person? And how much of that can be changed by the experiences we all have?

 

Just something I've been pondering. Perhaps just the sleep-deprived ramblings of a lonely madman.

[LikeWater]

Turns out that several of the older pages in my journal are just straight up gone. Copyright claims on the music attached to them, I can only assume. That really blows.

[LikeWater]

It's interesting reading certain topics on this forum, mostly in the dating/attraction categories, and seeing so many differing opinions on a subject, from both men and women. That's one thing about people, right? We are opinion machines, and we dish 'em out for free. No quarters necessary. It's kinda the fuel that runs the internet, because on the web you can spit all the opinions you want without even the tiniest thought of repercussion. The WORST you're gonna get is schooled in an online argument. That'll hurt your pride for about 10 minutes and then the next day it'll have already been forgotten by those involved and by the onlookers. You're not gonna leave with a black eye or a bloody nose, or worse.

 

It's a great thing in a lot of aspects; it gives a voice to those who otherwise wouldn't speak. But it also leads to all the senseless insults and flat out bullying that you see sometimes. Bullying is WAY more rampant online that it is in real life. On the internet it's like, "Bullying! Now with less punishment!" But this is kinda rambling off towards a different subject than what I wanted to speak about.

 

The thing that I've come to see semi-often here, on this particular forum, is people searching for THE answer. The sure thing. The absolute solution. The one truth to rule them all! Too bad that s**t doesn't exist. And I feel that looking at such situations as are often brought up in the dating and attraction areas as problems to begin with is sort of a mistake, because a problem has a solution. There isn't a problem and therefore there isn't a solution. There's just opinions. There's just advice, and it can differ as greatly as opposite ends of a spectrum. So what a person has to do is just gather what help they can and then after it's all done, it's just up to you. It's what you decide is right and it's how you decide to approach.

 

That's all I wanted to say, I guess.

[LikeWater]

I'm honestly only here to post a song. I don't know why... it's possible that every song I post is completely ignored. I know that most people just don't care, or they assume the song is one they'd dislike. That's totally fine. Nothing wrong with that at all. But I'll just keep posting them hoping that at least one person discovers some new music they absolutely love and that they never would have found without my journal. That's called hope, and it's a beautiful thing. This is another one by Acid Bath, a band I feel is too unkown.

 

[video=youtube;9ww0Zu0YYv8] ]

[LikeWater]

Delete this.

[Fudgie]

I can't play it at this very moment (will in a bit) but is that a John Wayne Gacy painting of himself as Pogo the clown? I know Gacy paintings when I see them. They are bright and colorful and I think that's what makes them more creepy.

[LikeWater]

I can't play it at this very moment (will in a bit) but is that a John Wayne Gacy painting of himself as Pogo the clown? I know Gacy paintings when I see them. They are bright and colorful and I think that's what makes them more creepy.

 

Yep, it is. You can see his signature at the bottom right of it. That's one of his most famous paintings, I believe, and the album cover art for Acid Bath's first album. You can tell right from that cover that when you listen to that album, you're gonna be getting into some dark stuff that might make you feel uncomfortable lol. It's almost like a warning.

[LikeWater]

One of the greatest video game soundtracks ever produced

 

[video=youtube;ezcNxSfa3Tg]

[LikeWater]

Also f**k this "your signature can only be 150 characters long" bulls**t. What is this, twitter? Whoever decided that, go to hell and die.

[LikeWater]

You know what? I really miss my friends lately. I went down one path and they went down another, and that's it. In their path there's a destination I don't belong in and that they can be happier within than my path. I know that's a shocker, right? I'm sure I come off as an extremely happy person, lol. Well, actually, the path they took was one in which there's only room for one person anyhow. It's not like I could change things even if I put everything I had into it. Hell some, at least one of them, lives thousands of miles away now. One I haven't talked to in forever so I wouldn't know.

 

I've been drinking a lot again. And when I do, I enjoy putting on some music and a lot of it is stuff I was listening to back in highschool. Music I'd jam out to along with one of my friends as we'd leave highschool during lunch to go smoke a J. Visions of rolling down the road with music blaring and joints blazing, looking over at my friend's shrank eyes and laughing. I don't know, I'm sure the majority of people would just classify this as reminiscing on when I was young. It's not exactly that, though. It has nothing to do with age because I'd still love to do the same thing honestly. There's few things that make me happier than some good bud, some good company, and some good music. I mean, how could you go wrong with that combination.

 

There's not really a true replacement for these guys either. How do you replace someone you went through years and years of your life with... longer than any romantic relationship I've ever been in for sure. I mean one of these guys I'd known since I was 4 years old. Is that not a tragedy? Someone I've known since I was four and I couldn't tell you a thing about his present self, only his past. Our past, really. I feel like in the short term, losing my girlfriends was so much harder. They obviously provide things my friends can't, and I'm not even talking about sex. But in the long term... holy hell losing your friends is SO much worse. I couldn't give a damn if I ever saw or spoke to any of my exes ever again. The realization I'll probably never hang out with some of my friends, my REAL close friends I shared countless memories with... it sucks. These people are irreplaceable.

 

Meh, I honestly feel like closing this tab and forgetting I ever typed this garbage. But I went through the effort of typing it so I guess I'll just post it. I don't know what good this journal is to me anymore. Putting my thoughts on 'paper' doesn't seem to be as helpful as it once was. Unfortunate.

[LikeWater]

Well, no more drinking for me. Not for a long while. Lucky I'm in a good enough frame of mind to realize when it's really not helping at all and only hurting. Part of it is my body just doesn't seem to handle it very well these days. Perhaps that's just because I've been drinking fairly frequently these days, perhaps it's my poor diet, perhaps it's age, who knows. The more important part of it, however, is I just can't recall the last time I actually enjoyed having a drink, whether I went full on wasted or just had a couple. Instead they've just made me tired and lethargic. I already have plenty of that going on so I really don't need even the slightest bit more.

 

I need to schedule a doctor's appointment soon. Even just a basic checkup is way overdue.

[Clarisse]

It seems as though you're going through a transition period in your life.

[LikeWater]

A dream of fiery skies

the smoke was in my eyes

 

Callin', callin' your name

Callin', callin' your name

 

And in my boldest moment

I caught a glimpse of you

 

Runnin', runnin' away

Runnin', runnin' away

 

I feared the worst had come

I dropped down to my knees

 

Callin', callin' your name

Callin', callin' your name

 

Time was standing still

all except for you

 

Runnin', runnin' away

Runnin', runnin' away

 

Chaos and confusion reigned

I had no one else to blame

 

Callin', callin' your name

Callin' callin' your name

 

I looked down at my hands

crimson as the burning land

 

Suddenly I knew why you were

 

Runnin', runnin' away

Runnin', away from me...

[LikeWater]

It's funny. I've realized that the only thing that keeps me living is escaping. For some reason I still have the will to live on this earth, only to escape it in every means possible. I truly believe that one day, that will be the norm. Virtual Reality, as it is now, is only the beginning. It's going to grow exponentially. Just look at games only 20 years ago. Little tiny pixels trapped in two dimensions. Now there are games truly more beautiful than our reality. What happens when Virtual Reality is better than 'actual' reality in every way? What happens when your brain can no longer even distinguish between the two because it's become so immersive?

 

It's actually a really dangerous possibility, when people can't get enough of the virtual world, and they stay in way longer than they should. Start neglecting themselves and others. I don't know when the technology will be this good, but it's an inevitability. Technology is an unstoppable force, and it's gonna keep growing at a ridiculous rate. I wonder if the governments would ban it. The powers that be don't seem too keen on the idea of anyone escaping the real world.

 

Anyway, just a funny thought I had. Now excuse me while I go escape.

[tiredofvampires]

I can understand the need to escape.

 

But where life gets rich is when you decide to run straight into the crossfire. The crossfire of your mind, all your bodily sensations, and every minute passing perception.

 

Every emotion has a tapestry thickly woven of its own. Its own character. Anger has sharp edges, and burns. Sadness or loneliness has a leaden feeling, like sinking from within. Fear can feel like flight and frantic buzzing. Joy, a spreading warmth with no perimeter jetting out from your chest.

 

And so many other shades, with their combinations. That's a lot to miss out on.

 

Then there are the everyday motions we can feel and be present for...how long and deeply can you savor the hot coffee you've sipped? Your hands are on the steering wheel...what is it's texture? There's the rain on your face, getting your hair wet...you get to feel the transition, the drops tracing over your skin.

 

We find so many ways to distract ourselves from this moment, mostly because we hate it. It's never "enough". Or if it is, it's gone too quickly, so might as well run out before it does.

 

Why not challenge it to be enough? And be with it on its own terms, see where that leads. Why not investigate all the myriad things there are to love in it, however mundane? Every moment is an infinite world to explore and experience. Once you start tapping in, you have less need to question your will to live. You want to throw yourself into the fire of each moment and see what arises there. What an adventure.

 

Here's something to try -- take any moment, and pretend that it is the very first moment that you have been given sentience. As if you just arrived in your body and consciousness for the first time. This is the first time you have become self-aware, and aware of the world.

 

What do you think you'd do with that moment?

 

There are no virtual games more beautiful than this reality, if you choose to be here. Here, in yourself, in your senses, and wide open to the complex array of experiences that can happen in a fraction of a second. Nothing will ever replace our own organic universe, inside and out.

 

Don't be dead while living, is my suggestion here...you'll have plenty of time to return to and abide in insensibility.

[LikeWater]

The world can be beautiful. It can be breathtakingly amazing. It can also be bombs being dropped down, kids shooting kids in the streets, pedophilia and rape. It's lovely to conveniently choose to pretend that our reality is filled with only happiness and love. Unfortunately that's not the actuality of it. Of course, there's no reason to focus on the negative and horrible aspects of our reality if you're not actually living that terrible existence, but I'm also not living in the polar opposite scenario either. I'm stuck in the middle. The mediocre. The mundane. The "meh".

 

Now, you're absolutely right about human sensation being a wonderful thing. A caterpillar crawling across my hand and the warmth of sunlight beaming down upon me. Not too hot, but just right. All that stuff is incredible... until it's "been there, done that". The problem with the human condition is we want NEW. New everything. New experiences, new toys, new people, new food, etc. It's especially so growing up in an instant gratification society. As wonderful as caterpillars and sunlight are, they do get old, unfortunately. Wouldn't you agree? I don't imagine you're truly thrilled to go outside everyday and experience the nature around you, if you even have that luxury. For some it's go outside and be met with concrete and automobiles. That's my reality, in fact.

 

There absolutely are virtual worlds so much more beautiful and awe inspiring than what I see in everyday life. Only visually, though. The technology isn't great enough to include the all the senses yet, but it'll get there. Eventually. I don't have the luxury of just packing up and going to Hawaii or some other tropical wonderland. See, the biggest problem with our world is the need for money. And as they say, you gotta have money to make money. Well, I don't have it. Now, I could go into a deep meditation, I could fall asleep and dream, I could drop some LSD and in all three I might have beautiful, indescribable experiences that would stick with me perhaps forever. But eventually I'm gonna have to face reality, go to work, talk to people I dislike, deal with s**t I don't want to deal with and there's not really much I could do about it other than avoiding it all and eventually going bankrupt.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm really not as miserable as all that might come off. I just really dislike certain parts of my current reality and yes, I like to escape that BS and visit worlds and do things unlike anything you could in real life. It's a pretty common thing these days so I'm nowhere near alone in that.

 

There are no virtual games more beautiful than this reality, if you choose to be here. Here, in yourself, in your senses, and wide open to the complex array of experiences that can happen in a fraction of a second. Nothing will ever replace our own organic universe, inside and out.

 

I'm just going to have to disagree here. I think there absolutely can be artificial experiences much more beautiful than this reality, and more than that I think eventually it will be undeniable because it will eventually be the world's biggest pasttime. Also, would you consider my psychedelic experiences as not being part of our reality? I mean they are part of it, they just alter the way a person perceives it, and some of those experiences were better than almost anything else I've enjoyed.

 

Anyway, this whole escaping thing -- like I said I think it's going to become extremely common. The world is gonna be so much different when my generation is the elderly. By the way, thanks for stopping by, ToV. Haven't talked to you in a long, long time, and it's nice to see you drop by and see how I'm doing and give your much appreciated words of wisdom. You're someone I admire quite a bit. Definitely jealous of your ability to put words on a page, for sure.

[LikeWater]

I feel a little more charged lately. It's interesting and a good feeling and I'm not sure where it came from. Slowly but surely, I seem to be getting more of a grasp on who I am and who I want to be. The flat out truth is I'm an emotional guy. I'm affected by my environment... to a point. I'm an empathetic person. What I'm not, however, is easily offended. I gotta say, I'm getting pretty freakin sick of all this social media back and forth where people are literally just looking for things to get upset about.

 

The internet is so crazy if you think about it. For the first time ever, the entire world (just about) has a voice that can't be silenced. There's absolutely no risk of repercussion for what you say for the vast majority of us. Some people obviously have jobs and social statuses that can be harmed, but most of us regular ol dudes don't have to worry about that. Especially considering that a huge portion of us are anonymous. And people say the meanest s**t over the tiniest little disagreements. Youtube is the worst. Find me a video that has more than 10k views where there's not some people throwing insults back and forth in the comment section. It doesn't even matter what the subject matter is. It could be the most positive, peaceful video and there's still at least two people, who most likely will never have any kind of actual interaction with each other, threatening to kill one another. It's both one of the funniest and one of the saddest things you'll witness. It's absolutely disgusting what the human ego causes some of us to do and say.

 

I have some unsolicited advice I'm gonna throw out here. Just a little experiment I think people should try. The next time you're in a heated argument with someone, even if you know 100% that you're correct, just purposely lose. Just say, "okay, you're right." Try to say it sincerely, like, make them really believe it. It's an odd thing that happens. People want to be right so bad, doesn't matter what it's over, they just need to be right about it. It's another ego thing. But, they don't want to be given it, they want to struggle for it. The truth is people just love arguing. They love that aspect of it almost as much as they love being the correct one. The "winner".

 

Well, just let them win next time a heated argument is about to go down. Their reaction, in my experience, is so strange. Most of the time, they'll still try to continue fighting about it, even though there's nothing there anymore. The benefit here for you is that it will make you feel good. Any time you're getting entangled in some stupid argument that at the end of the day doesn't really matter, you're letting a person have power of you. When you just don't engage in it, you just let them have whatever it is they're ready to get heated about, they have nothing over you anymore. I'm not saying to just fold and let someone do whatever they want, btw. If what you're arguing about is actually meaningful (you need to be able to objectively think about this) then fight for it with everything you have. Most of the time, it's some petty bulls**t though. The less petty bulls**t you have in your life, the better you'll feel.

 

This leads back to the whole easily offended thing. Who are the most unfun people to hang out with? People who get offended about everything. People who can't take jokes and don't have a sense of humor. The really amazing people to chill with are people who can laugh at themselves. Even better is when they can take it and dish it back and you have this fun back and forth. Those are the people I love. Not the ones who wanna start these petty arguments over stupid s**t in the first place.

 

People need to be able to laugh, man. I need to as well, and I'm getting better it. A lot of this stuff isn't that serious, you know? Shrug it off, laugh, and stop looking for petty nonsense to fight and name call about. It's such a giant waste of time. Instead of looking for things you hate, focus on the things you love. You'll be a lot happier for it.

[itsallgrand]

I really appreciate your entry today. Comes at a time where it's soothing and nice to hear someone else express how I've been feeling in a different way.

 

I'm happy you are feeling a shift of energy and feeling a bit better.

 

You got it right about laughing. Seems to me the quickest way to go nuts is to stop being able to find the humour in things.

 

The best analogy I still think about to this day about petty heated fighting is that it's like a tug of war rope. If you let go of your side, the other guy is left standing there dazed and confused. Pick back up that rope! Lol

[LikeWater]

Hey IAG! Good to see you, and it's nice to hear my ramblings are appreciated at times lol. Your analogy with tug of war is spot on; I hadn't heard that one before.

 

Although I haven't replied lately, I have been reading your journal here and there. How's your mom doing? I sincerely hope things have been going well for the two of you, considering the circumstances and all.

 

I always enjoy hearing from ya, IAG. I really do appreciate you even taking the time to say what's up.

[itsallgrand]

Thank you, that is so sweet.

Mom has been doing better with her second round of chemo than the first. I spend a lot of time with her. She's one of those people who has a great sense of humour and a light hearted personality, for the most part. I've come to really appreciate that about her, more and more as I've gotten older.

We are just taking it day by day. And trying to spoil mom as much as possible.

 

It does make a person stop and think about what is important and what just isn't.

[LikeWater]

That's good to hear that your mom is doing well. Having a good mindset while dealing with such a hard thing can make a huge difference. I really do think there is something to say about having a positive outlook and it correlating with how much the treatment helps. Anyway, I'm very glad to hear you two are doing okay.

 

It does make a person stop and think about what is important and what just isn't.

 

Absolutely. It's so easy to fall into the trap of getting wrapped up in societal BS, petty squabbles, just trivial matters in general. We all fall prey to it from time to time. Being reminded of our mortality, our very short time on this earth... it tends to "wake you up" so to speak. Your mom is lucky to have a daughter like you. Someone she can count on and absorb positive energy from. I'm sure she knows this though =^)

 

Take care of her, but take care of yourself too, IAG.

[LikeWater]

My ex contacted me very recently. Honestly, I hold no emotion towards her. I live in a mindset where she's not even human. I realized this just recently when she decided to get ahold of me. I could tell she was nervous and more than that... worried. I'll be more honest here than I have about a lot of things. I actually have several 'nudes' of her. In different positions, some of her breasts, some of her butt, some inbetween.

 

That seemed to be the most of her attetnion. Have I put them somewhere. Have I "exposed her", in her most vulnerable state. The answer is no. I've never once even thought of posting these somewhere in the dark corners of the interwebs. First of all, they don't show her face. Even if I was still upset to this day, so much to share to everyone something sacred she shared with me (multiple times, at that) there would be no real point in it at all.

 

But regardless, that seemed to be all she was focused on. I'll admit, I never did delete them. I still have them, several shots of her boobs and one of her butt. But in all honest, I haven't even so much as thought of them until she contacted me about them. It's kind of surreal, honestly. I mean, in what way could I possibly post nudes where they don't show her face as a way of sick revenge? Even if I wanted to, which has been the furthest thing from my mind. It's obvious she has focused more on me than I have her in a long ass time. Which after all this time is beyond bizarre. I'm so bored with the idea of any kind of drama regarding this. It almost feels empowering.

 

Anyway, since she contacted me I decided to just delete them. They do nothing for either one of us. There could never be any possible way where I could prove 100% they don't exist anymore, but hey don't. It's her fault anyway for ever sending them. Especially across gmail, which is how they were sent btw. It's so ridiculous because I was treated as if a potential monster for things I haven't even done! It compounds along several thoughts and ideoligies I haven't had for years.

 

The only reason I'm sharing any of this, in fact, is because it's a milestone for me. I forget any of this existed. It's so in the past for me, while it's apparently been the forethought of my ex recently. But it doesn't feel like a 'win', it just feels awkward. I can't prove anything and in anyway possible cirumstance, I'd much rather she just kept to herself. Which is a real milestone.

[LikeWater]

I guess one of the points I forgot to focus on was that she was so focused on the nudes she sent me, and how I could ever prove without a doubt I haven't leaked them within any corner of the internet. That was one of the most ridiculous parts of the whole thing was that there is no possible way to prove my "innocence".

 

And what is the point of me even posting or revealing any of it? It's the fact that I'm so beyond even thinking about it at all while, apparently, it's all something she's been focusing and worrying about. It's a kind of... achievement, where I've moved on more than the person who caused me so much pain. Not even understandable to some regular person who happens to stumble upon this journal. This writing is more for me.

[LikeWater]

Ships upon the ocean blue falling prey to the abyssal sea

Waiting patiently for me

Whispering incessantly

For me to follow

 

The view of their wooden corpses must have truly humbled me

I listened carefully

But what I see

Is all but hollow

 

I pushed I pulled

I fell and begged

The blood I shed

Has stained your broken bones forever

 

But what a treat

A sight to see

The whispering

The knowledge that I have gathered

 

Cherishing

Cherishing you

Satiating

Satiating me