Finding Myself -- A Journal

[LikeWater]

Day 1

 

It's been oh-so-long since I've kept a journal, and with me currently going through the hardest time of my life, I figured it would be therapeutic and highly beneficial to start again.

 

I've started seeing a therapist and visiting a psychiatrist so I can try to finally get some help with my anxiety. Funny how when you were around my anxiety would entirely disappear. You made me so comfortable in my own skin and I had never felt that before. It has come back with a vengeance since you left, though, and quite frankly I'm exhausted.

 

I know everyone is glad to see me seeking help but... man, it's not as easy as people assume. The main thing they prescribe for anxiety disorders are antidepressants, and they are SUCH a pain in the ass. They take a minimum of a month before they even start to work, and good luck making it to that point! The side-effects of these things are BRUTAL! The first one I tried gave me the most overwhelming nausea I've ever experienced. The second one I tried made me feel like a complete zombie. I picked up my latest prescription last night and I'm supposed to start taking it this morning. Not going to lie... I'm afraid. The way these things have affected me so far has got me wanting to give up. You'd think there would be an easier way, honestly. I have to spend this money buying medication that, if you can even get past the side-effects, take forever before they even might start to work. Then, if they fail, you start the process all over again! Wheee!

 

I've already not been feeling well the last few days. My appetite has disappeared again. My sleep is inconsistent at best. I feel cold all the time no matter what the temperature is. And of course, then there's the sadness of you no longer being in my life (coupled with my anxiety, no less!) I would give anything to just feel better! I really am trying...

 

I'm not sure about my therapist yet. She's nice, compassionate, understanding, and experienced. I probably just need to warm up to her and give myself the chance to really open up. That's a hard thing for me, but the things in life worth doing are never easy, are they? I'll continue going for now; I need to give this a real shot.

 

I know that this is necessary. I do need to learn to love myself. I'd wish you'd learn to do the same. If I can make it through this, I'll be so much stronger once I reach the other side. I need to be patient, and remain positive. So much easier said than done.

[LikeWater]

Day 2

 

I have to admit I'm a little disappointed that nothing has happened. Was I hoping for the world to end? No. Was I hoping something would happen? Yes! I definitely wouldn't mind there being a change to this place.

 

Feeling a bit better this morning. Hung out with a friend (and one of his friends) last night and got to smoke some of the stickiest of the icky. Just. What. I. Needed. Anxiety disappeared, I got home feeling hungry (haven't been eating much lately, so definitely a good thing!) and I went to sleep easily. Nothing but positives, baby!

 

Don't know what to think of my friend's friend, yet. Seems nice enough, very talkative, pretty funny. He's a typical "let me brag about how much poontang I've gotten lately" guy, though. S**t like that just gets on my nerves lately. Finding someone to f**k is easy; finding someone to love is difficult.

 

Not much else to say for now. Oddly enough I'm hating winter so far. I'm usually more of a winter guy (never been one to get cold easily, I like the crispness of the air, etc.) but this year... I hate winter. I'm cold all the time. I don't know what the hell is up.

 

Today I feel better, though. That's all that really matters.

[LikeWater]

Day 3

 

I'm such a procrastinator! My grandparents are going to be visiting for Xmas (they arrive sometime tonight) and I just finished cleaning. Ugh, that's ridiculous. I was going to have this all finished by last night but I spent the majority of yesterday writhing in the discomfort of a hangover. It was the best hangover I've ever had. Got me out of cleaning (albeit very temporarily,) and though I did feel like absolute s**t all day, I didn't feel a bit of sadness. Not only that but a hangover is the reminder of a good time that overstays its welcome... and man, Friday night was definitely a good time!

 

It was an end of the world party... and we partied like it would be our last day on earth. Well, when I say party, I really mean a gathering of a few close friends. It was so great to see them all again. They are all probably completely unaware of just how appreciative I am to see them again. I need the comfort of good friends right now. Brought back all the memories of when we lived together and we treated each day like it would be our last. I miss that time so much, and I miss the youthful optimism we all had back then. We were unstoppable. Oh, how life changes.

 

Anyway, so the grandparents will be arriving any moment. Part of me wants to see them, the more mature part of me that realizes I need to cherish every visit as they ain't gettin' any younger. The other part of me really wishes they wouldn't be coming. Selfish, I know, but... ah, you know what it is? I'm just totally not looking forward to Christmas at all. Not even the tiniest little bit. I'm not very good at pretending to feel cheery and joyous if I'm actually feeling quite the opposite. I've heard that's a Capricorn thing. Not sure if there's any truth to that, and it really doesn't matter, but it would be nice to have an excuse, haha!

 

Today wasn't so bad, though. It was nice to be busy and to have an excuse to put some jams on and let that s**t blare throughout the house. It's so quiet now. I wish I could bottle this silence up and save it. I could no doubt use some peace-and-quiet-in-a-bottle, to unleash in the coming days of being bombarded by the loudmouths that are my family.

 

I should eat...

[LikeWater]

My grandfather called while I was eating. That alone is kind of funny because my grandfather is extremely anal about certain things, and one such thing is that he hates it when people call while he's eating. He won't answer for any reason. I could honestly be getting stabbed to death and if I called him for help, or to say goodbye, or whatever, and he happened to be eating, he would ignore my call. Regardless, I answered. I often extend people courtesies that they would never pay to me. I guess that's a good thing.

 

He rang to let me know that he and the wife are too tired to come by tonight. Okay, no complaints there. Sounded like the conversation was being wrapped up but then he added, "So instead we would like you to come eat breakfast with us in the morning."

 

I don't even eat breakfast.

 

It begins...

[LikeWater]

Can't sleep. Figures.

 

Too many thoughts racing through my head. I wish I could tell my mind to shut the f**k up. Well, I guess I could try. Yeah, the next time I'm lying in bed and can't seem to shut my thoughts off, I'll stick straight up, as if awoken from a terrible nightmare, and scream, "SHUT THE F**K UP, BRAIN!" I'm sure it will work. It's the missing technique I have been searching for. Thanks, journal!

 

So unable to sleep, what do I do? I jump on ENA. I had good intentions. I thought that maybe if I gave these thoughts of mine an outlet, that would appease them. But then I started reading topics. Came accross one about male height. I don't know why I bothered as my height has never been something I've even slightly concerned myself over.

 

It is interesting to see how big of a deal it is to a lot of women, though. It reminded me of a conversation I had with my ex once where she was telling me about how her co-workers were discussing the whole height thing. She said they all agreed that 5'10 was the minimum they would accept. At the time I was enveloped in 'love chemicals' and my only thought was something like, "WOOHOO I MADE THE CUT!!!"

 

Now when I think about it I just find it absurd and somewhat sad. I wish I had the wit at the time to ask my ex how many of her co-workers were single. I wonder how many of them could honestly tell the difference between 5'9 and 5'10. It's just a little crazy that, for a lot of women, there might be this guy who would literally be perfect for them... and he'll never get his chance because he's two inches too short.

 

I understand that everyone has their preferences, and in all actuality people can be as picky as they want to be. You're allowed that prerogative. Forgive me if I can't believe you when you say you're 'looking for love' and then place such fickle restrictions on yourself, though. I'm sure a lot of women would think the same thing about a guy who will only date girls that are model-thin.

 

Enough about that.

 

It's time for Round 2, bed. I'm hoping to lose via knockout.

[LikeWater]

Day 4

 

Wrote a song today...

 

Yeah, you got it

Got them bright eyes

Got a heart stitched together with piano wire

The keys are in your lips

We make music all the time

 

Ooh, yeah, you got it

Got that sly smile

Disarming and alluring at the same time

Hard to watch you leave

After such a short while

 

Yep, you got it

Got that fleeting dream

Trickiest demeanor that I've ever seen

Never saw it coming

'Til I couldn't do a thing

 

Mm, yeah, I got it

Got that bad vibe

Got a ghost of you that won't seem to leave my side

And a mind full of memories

That I try to hide

 

Oh, man, you got it

Got that new 'love'

Got a twister of a spirit, you don't give a f**k

Stripped of who I'll be

Can't be taken as I was

[LikeWater]

Tonight was just... I don't know. Can't think of the right word to describe it.

 

If I wasn't before, I'm now a full believer in the idea of "vibes", that everything (including us) gives off a certain type of energy. Let me try to explain this as best I can.

 

So every year I celebrate Xmas Eve with my dad's family. Then we celebrate Xmas day with my mom's. So I'm with my dad's family tonight and I was just feeling awful. For one, my anxiety was through the roof all night. I lost count on how many times I had to escape outside to suck down a cig real quick. Everyone (seriously, f**kin' everybody) was bothering me about my beard. Yeah, it's a beard. You've never seen one before? Too bad; I'm not gonna educate you on what they are. And yeah, I was missing her extra bad tonight.

 

Later on I'm sitting there minding my own business as I tend to do and up walks M. M is a three-year-old girl my cousin adopted. She's ridiculously cute, super sweet, and she's always really liked me. In fact, kids in general have always liked me. Dogs too. I am of the belief that kids and dogs are especially keen on picking up the vibes we send out. So yeah, M is standing in front of me, staring at me, and suddenly she says, "I don't like you, (my name)." Then she runs off. Everyone was surprised (myself, most of all) and I could feel the weight of everyone's gaze upon me. I smiled and said, "Yeah, she's not the first girl to tell me that." Everyone chuckled and after a very short time I escaped for another cig.

 

Man... it really bothered me to be perfectly honest. It shouldn't. She's a child, and I know she loves me, but tonight she peered right into my soul and she didn't like what she saw. And after thinking about it for a while I realized that this is the first Xmas where I've completely not been myself. I'm radiating more negative energy than a nuclear bomb right now and she didn't like it. So for tonight, she didn't like me.

 

I don't like me. Not the "me" I've been as of late, at least.

 

I have more to say but my emotions are getting the better of me at the moment. Gotta end this, for now.

[LikeWater]

Day 5

 

Had to take a break from ENA for a bit... felt like all the sadness here was weighing down on me a little too much.

 

Bah, what to even say? No one knows how I truly feel. Nobody but me. Every day I'm forced to put on a mask equipped with the fakest smile to ever exist... and I try to make it through the day. Then I try to do the same the next day. Is this my new reality? Is this my life now? For how long?

 

Perhaps I'm just weak and the universe rids itself of the weak. Perhaps I'm inevitably woven into that process.

 

I'm lost. I really am. I haven't the slightest clue of what to do. I feel like my options are incredibly limited. I also feel pathetic for feeling this low when I know there are far too many people who have it way harder than I do. And they find a way to keep on keepin' on, and I know that's all I can do as well.

 

I think all we really desire is to be appreciated. That's it. No matter what life throws at us and no matter what we've been through, I believe we all simply want to be appreciated, even if by only one person. I believe that is what I'm missing. I don't feel appreciated in anything. Not my job, not my family, not my friends. I feel alone no matter how many people are around. I'm pretty sure my parents are more than tired of me, I'm certain that I've become boring to my friends. What the f**k has happened to me?

 

God... if you read this and knew it was me, what would you think? I can't even imagine. I'm fully aware how ridiculous it is that your absence has affected me so deeply, but what can I do? You were everything I wanted and now you are long gone. And I just have to deal with it.

 

So this is rock bottom, eh? How the hell do I climb out?

[LikeWater]

Into the flood again

 

Same old trip it was back then

 

So I made a big mistake

 

Try to see it once my way!

[ProtestTheHero]

Just popping in to say that's my favorite song from my favorite band.

[LikeWater]

Yeah, that's my favorite song from them as well. I feel like it just really speaks to me, I feel as if I know exactly how he felt when he wrote that song. Not my favorite band but definitely in my top 5. You have great taste in music, sir.

[LikeWater]

Day 6

 

A message to J:

 

Hi. I just want to tell you how things are from my perspective. I'm having the hardest time letting you go, and that's because I truly loved you. I loved everything about you. I loved listening to you rant, I loved the sound of your voice and your laughter. You made me the happiest I've ever been and I don't know how to keep going at this point now that I've experienced that kind of bliss.

 

It's so strange. I know you loved me, I know I made you ridiculously happy, so I can't understand why you've taken this route after ending it with me. You told me your reasons and I understood and respected them. I want to let you know that I understand why you feel you can't be with me. I do. What I don't understand is why you seem to have lost every bit of respect and feelings for me. Why did you have to slowly phase me out of your life? Why did you tell me you missed me two weeks before you decided to start ignoring me?

 

It sucks. I still have a lot of questions and I know you'll never provide the answers. I think about you all the time and I can't stop wondering if you think about me at all. I feel so forgotten and used. I miss you so bad, sweetie. You were everything I could want in a girl. I gave you my heart and trusted you with it. Such a mistake. It's now clear to me that I loved you a lot more than you loved me.

 

I remember you telling me the night you ended it that you don't think you ever really loved me. Such a lie. Biggest lie you've ever told. I bet if you actually talked to me just the sound of my voice would bring back your feelings for me. Perhaps that is why avoid me like the plague.

 

I just want to know about you. I want to be in your life even if only as a friend. I can accept friendship. Can you? I guess not...

 

I'm sure you have a new man in your life by now. Lucky guy, he is. I hope more than anything that you're happy. If you are happier without me in your life then that's fine. I just don't think you are. I can't help but feel our story is unfinished. That's probably the most naive thought I could possibly have, but here it lingers and it won't go away. Eventually you will miss me. I don't know when but it will happen. I highly doubt any other guy can make you feel the way I made you feel.

 

I really wish I could actually say all this to you. I wish you'd give me that opportunity; give me the chance to have one last talk with you if that's how it has to be.

 

I'll never get over you.

[LikeWater]

I just want to give a big thank you to music. If it weren't for music, I'd have killed myself long ago. Thank you music for saving my life.

[LikeWater]

I just got through setting up my new desktop PC that I bought.

 

Windows 8 is kinda confusing at first but I'm getting the hang of it. This thing is SO much better and more powerful than that crappy old laptop I've been using. It's nice to have a real PC again.

 

Anyway... time to download some games! Today is gonna be a good day.

[LikeWater]

Day 7

 

Why? WHY? WHY!?

 

Why would you do that? It's possibly the last time I'll get to spend time with you and this is what you do? What the hell are you trying to prove? How much of a man you are? I don't care if you want to fight me. I don't care if you want to "test yourself" against me. And I especially don't give a damn if you were "blacked out". That doesn't excuse your behavior. Learn to control yourself or you're going to end up dead...

 

Man. We could have had a great time while you were visiting but instead you decided to be crazy a**hole. You know what I'm going through right now because you've been here before. It's what made you spontaneously decide to join the military. So why, man? Why are you acting like an enemy instead of a friend? I'm afraid for you... the way you've changed. How much more will you change? Especially now that you're being deployed.

 

I hope you take care of yourself. I hope the good guy that you really are comes to surface again. I don't know when I'll talk to you again, but I hope you're doing well.

[LikeWater]

It's weird.

 

The contrast between the fake me and the real me. I am fake all day. I'm fake while I work and talk to strangers and co-workers, I'm fake around my family and friends. I can only truly be myself when I'm alone, because I don't know who I am. I don't know how to be myself.

 

So then I get on here and I post my innermost thoughts for everyone to view. It's strange because anyone who reads this doesn't know me. You don't know my name, you have no idea where I live or what I look like. You don't really know anything about me... yet you know more about me than my closest friends. They don't have clue how much pain I'm actually in. How I struggle to make it through each day. However... should anyone take the time to read through my journal, even if just a few of my posts, you end up knowing more about me than most people I'll ever actually interact with. On some level, at least.

 

I read other journals and see the same thing. I get to know these people in ways that their 'circle' never will. It's strange how I feel their sadness. I read it and then I can feel it. The pain transfers right into me. Maybe I shouldn't read anyone else's journal, not because I don't enjoy them (some of ENA's members are far more expressive, interesting, articulate, and intelligent than I'll ever be,) but because I relate to how they feel so clearly.

 

It's like... I'll read about someone losing their pet, and I'm suddenly flooded with memories of dogs I used to own, some of which died way before they should have. Like Casey and Bo. And I'll miss them all over again. I don't know what it is... I'm long over their deaths. I guess when you're already sad everything just affects you. Perhaps it's a good thing. I hear people say stuff like that all the time. It's a good thing that I can relate so much and that I have this strong understanding of things that I didn't before.

 

A good thing. Sure. Is it? Maybe not.

 

Wouldn't it be easier just to not give a s**t? Sounds like serenity to me.

[LikeWater]

Day 8

 

Today is my birthday and I don't care. All I really want for my birthday is you, and I ain't gonna get that. I doubt you're even gonna wish me a happy B-day. Probably have no idea it's my B-day anyway since I'm 90% sure you're with that new guy and I'm the last thing on your mind.

 

Life just isn't fair...

 

I'm being negative and dramatic and I HATE that. I used to be so positive, so optimistic. Chalk it up to one more thing you took from me.

 

I'm far too exhausted for a 24 year old. So sick of this pain. I beg for a god I don't even believe in to relieve me from it, but I have no such luck. Ohhh welllll.

 

Gonna drink myself into a coma tonight, methinks.

[LikeWater]

Day 9

 

Waking up is still difficult for me. I hate leaving my bed. I hate that I'm back to reality and that I still think of you first thing as I transition from sleep to wakefulness.

 

It sucks remembering how I used to wake up with a smile on my face. Dreams of you still lingering in my mind as I got out of bed already eager to call you or text you something sweet. I miss knowing that you would get back to me as soon as you could, always, every time. Sometimes I'd wake up and you'd have already texted me hours ago. You'd be so happy when I responded, always, every time.

 

But no longer.

 

Even though I no longer see you the same way... even though I realize now that you never fully had your heart in us, I'm still having a hard time accepting everything. Accepting that we'll probably never speak again now. Accepting that both our views of each other have been tainted. It didn't have to be this way. We didn't have to be enemies. The truth is you chose this route and I'm stuck with whatever you've decided.

 

I hope you find it in your heart to make peace with me some day. Things could have been so much better for both of us if you'd just been a little more understanding and patient. If you'd just been willing to have a conversation with me. Meh, oh well.

 

I do think of you less now. I'm getting better at shutting off your grip on my mind, but I only have so much mental fortitude and sometimes your clench overpowers me. I'm sure eventually this will all be over, but I'm not sure I'll ever fully get you out of my head. I think you'll always be the one that got away. That ran away, as it were.

 

We do unto others what has been done to us. I know you were hurt deeply at a young age. You thought the two of you were perfect together but he ended up scarring you permanently. You were then taught that this is how breakups have to be. After that you learned to love and to trust again and you got betrayed once again, in a worse way. Now your heart is so tightly guarded I'm not sure anyone can have it.

 

I'm so sorry you've been dealt such cards. You deserve so much better. I hope you find it.

[LikeWater]

Day 10

 

You abandoned me, you know? You came into my life right when I needed you to, but you left far too soon. I want to let you know that I was the best version of me I've ever been when I was with you. I had real ambition again, my passions were coming to fruition. It was nice that you were so supportive of anything I was interested in. I truly miss your comfort. I never thought it would end up this way, especially so soon after we started seeing each other. I really thought you were my friend and that you'd never desert me, but you did. Why, oh why, does it have to be this way?

 

So now I'm alone and I don't have a f**kin' clue what I'm doing anymore. Truth is I'm not doing much of anything. At the moment I'm merely existing... trying to survive like an animal. I'm desperate for something or someone to take this pain away. The harsh reality is that I don't really have anyone that cares that much. My parents are disappointed because they don't feel like I'm going anywhere in life. I no longer know what my ambitions are, and I'm finding that the only thing I'm really passionate about lately is you.

 

You'll never find another guy who adores you like I do. Or did, anyway. You'll never find someone so willing to adhere to your every need, as I did. You'll never find someone who cares about you as deeply as I do.

 

I was so, so angry with you for about two days. The anger didn't stay for long and now I'm back to just... I don't even know, romanticizing about you, I guess. Living in a f**king dream, is what I'm doing. Wish I could stay here. Reality has nothing for me at the moment.

 

I want someone to help me understand how I get used to hell when I've experienced heaven.

[LikeWater]

I'm so tired...

 

Yet I'm not sleepy. Just tired. My energy levels have been a real problem lately and I'm not sure what's up. I'm not the healthiest guy but overall I think I eat pretty well. I've been getting plenty of sleep, but I'm not sure it's quality sleep. I think I'm barely sleeping, for some reason. Thing is, even after a full 8 hours of sleep, I wake up SO tired. It's like I didn't really sleep at all... Dunno what the f**k is up with that.

 

Ah, man. I'm hungry, too. At least there's that... my appetite is back and it seems like it'll stay this time (knock on wood.)

 

I spent way more time on ENA today than I should. I'm not sure reading quite so many topics on this site is good for me. It's nice being able to extend some help to those going through rough times of their own, though. Pay it forward and all that.

 

Oh wow. Haha, I don't know why I feel the need to mention this, but I saw the most amazing porn video today. It was some amateur couple and the girl literally has no gag reflex, and the two of them were showing of her 'talent'. The things she allows him to do with her head... just... wow. That's all there is to say on that without getting too graphic.

 

I think that's a good place to end this entry...

[LikeWater]

Day 11

 

It just started snowing half an hour ago. Roads are already covered and my yard is already a winter wonderland. Schools are letting out now and apparently traffic is backed up something awful.

 

Seems like this is gonna be a good one. It is seriously coming down.

 

On the bright side... I'm not going to work today!

[LikeWater]

Pictures in a box at home

Yellowing and green with mold

So I can barely see your face

Wonder how that color tastes

[LikeWater]

What is it with dads and them never being happy with their sons?

 

Everything I do bothers him and in turn, him being so easily annoyed bothers me. He just doesn't accept me, he has this old mindset that has no place in today's world. He lives in the past and he thinks if people don't think exactly like him, they're automatically wrong.

 

I know he cares for me but he spends most of his time making me feel like a piece of s**t and I'm so tired of it. On top of all this I think the poor guy may be developing Alzheimer's 'cuz he can't remember a f**king thing lately.

 

Things would be so much easier if he could just learn to let me be.

[LikeWater]

Day 12

 

Saw my psychiatrist and my therapist today.

 

Psychiatrist gave me some different drugs to try. Yippee. We also talked a bit about my anxiety, I told her how it really affects me and exactly how I feel when it gets really bad. She brought up J and made me talk about that whole thing. Kinda difficult for me... but I guess that's the point.

 

Talking with my therapist today was awesome. Turns out she's much more interesting than I first thought. We just talked about random nonsense today and it was great. We talked about technology, astronomy, we talked about how little we actually know as humans and how insignificant we really are in the grand scheme of things. It was fun and it was nice to just... talk. And that's what we did.

 

I have no idea how these new meds will affect me but at least they're not a reuptake inhibitor of any sort. My body and brain does not like those.

 

Things are slowly starting to get better within my life, I think. I just wish I had a companion. I wish I had someone who was wildly interested in me and that accepted me for exactly who I am, while I would do the same for them. Someone who supports me and understands where I come from. Someone who makes me laugh and shares the same twisted sense of humor I have. That is all I need. It's a shame technology hasn't come far enough to where I could just go out and get some android with crazy advanced A.I. or something... and have them programmed to be exactly how I want them. I know that sounds a little crazy... but that would be pretty amazing.

 

They also need to hurry the hell up with the stem cell s**t cuz I could use a brand new set of teeth, a new knee and elbow, and so on.

 

I honestly have nothing significant to write at the moment. Maybe eventually I'll open up about my past and get all of that out of my head and into the abyss that is the interwebz.

[LikeWater]

Day 13

 

I believe it's time to take a break from these forums again. Keep seeing a bunch of posts that are really annoying me. I shouldn't be bothered by them, yet I am. I guess I'm just really irritable at the moment and I don't know why everything is getting on my nerves lately. Either way, it's probably best I remove myself from what's bothering me, which would be this place. Sayonara, ENA. For now.

 

EDIT: Oh yeah, forgot to mention. It's kind of pointless to have someone on my ignore list if I still see their posts when people quote them. They should really fix that...