Boyfriend says he's the "settler"...

[hidden_kitten]

....and I'm the "reacher" in our relationship. How would you feel about this? I can't remember the context in which it was said, he has a sarcastic streak and tells me to take some things he says with a pinch of salt, but I feel quite offended by it. Hoping he was joking I brought it up again later but he responded by saying "at least I'm not lying about it". He did say though that I make up for what I seemingly "lack" in being trustworthy (his ex slept around behind his back), his rock and being there for him.

[jul-els]

Wha? Not cool. Total backhanded compliment about you being his "rock". He's playing a power game and trying to keep you doubting yourself. Total bs. Call his bluff and don't believe a word of it.

[bulletproof]

I would be offended by that also. I think sarcasm is an unfortunate way to communicate. Do you want to be with someone that you have to take with a pinch of salt, just in general?

[blueidealist24]

So basically he thinks he's better than you. Do you really want to be with a person that arrogant?

[Miss Firecracker]

Well, he pretty much laid it out there.

 

So now if you stay, I would say you are both settlers.

[RedDress]

I'm going to take it a step further and say there is a good probability that he's an emotional abuser. This is how it starts. They take little jabs at you to wear down your self-esteem. Little things. Seemingly forgivable "slips". Like this.

 

I wouldn't want someone to "settle" for me. Rather, someone who feels lucky to "settle down" with me. BIG difference.

 

I would be very offended too. He clearly thinks he's the bomb and you're just... yanno... ok.... Ick.

[LostInChicago]

I have to agree with RedDress that this may be the start of a long line of emotional abuse. It may be subtle now, but down the road it runs the risk of escalating.

[abitbroken]

If he is talking about your relationship and that he settled for you and your reached for him out of your league that is one context. But in my relationship we both think we have found a real prize in eachother, though one of us kind of settles for what they have goal wise and one of us is a bigger risk taker..both in moving to different stages of the relationship and work goals. If he was talking about goals and work, or striving, that's one thing, but if he is talking about leagues, then yeah, that was jerky.

[FYI]

....He makes it sound as if he's doing you a favor by being with you or keeping you around. It's insulting.

[Ayanokōji]

Ditch him for a few weeks and see who the real reacher is. Seriously, he could be taking you for granted which you need to think deep and hard about.

[hidden_kitten]

I wouldn't want someone to "settle" for me. Rather, someone who feels lucky to "settle down" with me. BIG difference.

 

This is how I feel too and is why I'm worrying about what to do. I also agree with miss firecracker that I'm settling as well for letting him treat me like this. He does have a confident personality and can come off as arrogant. I think some of the traits he's settling for are that I have a quiet and reserved personality, don't feel the need to be head to toe in make up all the time or dressed to the nines. He's mentioned before that he's attracted to 'danger' in a way which might explain his previous relationships yet I'm "good" for him. I feel like a bottle of medicine or something, not a lover.

 

He was meant to be coming round tonight but I'm doing back to back shifts this weekend so will have to talk to him tomorrow night. Thanks to everyone!

[happpybear]

i have dated this guy, get out now because it will get worse. at best he is a jackarse, at worst he is an emotional abuser. either way it will be a bad time for you.

 

he is trying to make you feel that you can't do better than him, so no point leaving and trying to find someone else. next will come the subtle put-downs to your appearance and your intellect. but he will make you feel like he is doing you a favor by being with him so that you end up thinking like this "thank god he likes me cause obviously no one else will"

 

then you will notice that you never have any free time anymore, and time with him in monopolized with him and his activities, friends and family. you will have a hard time finding time for yourself, your friends (if you have any at this point) and family. when you try to do your own things while in his company, he will find ways to prevent it from happening (so like you want to tidy up or do the dishes or work on a project, but he will distract you with sex, or his own needs, or guilt trip you into thinking that when you need to do things you are neglecting him, so that you will have to postpone all those things to a day when you don't see each other. So that now, all your free time is monopolized by chores like laundry, dishes etc, basically things that you can;t do while entertaining friends or others, and then all the rest of your time is spent with him, so that you essentially are either hanging out with him or doing chores etc.) do you see where this is going....

[RachaelRosen]

What he said is worthy of a permanent break up.

 

I agree with the other posters here.