Officially throwing in the towel on dating after finding out the real reason..

[radiohead20]

All my life I knew there was something a little "off" about my dating life.

 

preface:

 

I have always been one to not blame external factors for lack of success in an area, and this has generally helped me out in most areas of my life. However, my dating life has been an oddity in the fact that I have improved myself in many areas (social confidence, appearance etc) and nothing has really changed. I kept saying to myself "don't blame it on external things". I kept improving things and it got to the point where I was picking at myself constantly to try to find reasons why I was not attracting women to the point where it started to erode my self esteem. It started getting unhealthy. I finally stepped back and thought "I have a good career, I am socially confidant, I dress and present myself decently well, and I am very good shape, I am almost the best I can be, stop bugging down on yourself". Also, There were contradictions everywhere, such as people saying that women like social confidence, yet there were women I knew that were dating shy guys. Bottom line, something was OFF and people weren't telling me.

 

It was at this point that I realized I needed to nail down the true reason why things had not been working out. I sorta had a nagging feeling in the back of my head throughout high school and college that the reason why I was not able to attract women was because I looked very unmasculine. But I said to myself "no, that doesn't matter, or if it does, you can change other aspects". It is only in human nature to believe you have control over things.

 

Anyways, I decided the best way to figure out things was to ask for a true honest opinion from friends I could trust, mostly female friends.

 

 

I either sat down or chatted on the phone with 5 of them - the ones that I knew who would be direct and honest and not surgarcoat things. I asked them "I have a question for you - what do you think a women's impression of me is".

 

 

Consistently, the answer I got was this. "I think they are attracted to your personality and who you are as a person - you come accross as confidant and you have passions and goals that most guys I know don't, that is attractive". three of them even said this "When I first met you I thought you were great, and was very attracted to your personality and my friends and I would talk about you".

 

 

I then dug deeper, and asked them why, after improving myself in othe aspects (physical for example) why not much has changed. they all had the exact same answer, and it was hard to dig it out of most of them. It was this "you know, to be honest, you should be getting women, but sexual attraction is an important part of a healthy relationship, and you do not deliver this because you do not look masculine, in fact you look very unmasculine, to the point where it becomes a PROBLEM". I then told them "but I know that looks don't matter as much for women?". Most of them "that is true, you are right, but its more about having something that is very undesirable that gets in the way rather than not being good looking". My heart immediately sank.

 

 

It sank because usually, when a guy is not sexually attractive to a women in a physical sense, there is almost always a fix. Something he can overcome. Example, the guy is overweight and has a bad haircut. All he has to do is lose weight and straighten himself up. I am "straightened up" as much as I can, and the problem is still not fixed. I can dress nicely and have a great body, but cannot change the way my face is structured. There is no "fix" for me or self improvement plan, I am at the max, or at least the max I am willing to go. (I am not about to become someone I am not to attract girls, only the best version of myself).

 

 

So, the thing is, I have dated 2 women in the past, and most of them I was not physically attracted to and that became a problem in the relationship (I wouldnt have the desire to have sex very much). I am not willing to do that again, as it is unfair to myself and the other girl.

 

 

 

So now I only see two options here: Date women that I am not very sexually attracted to or just remain single.

 

And yes, I know, I am not saying I DESERVE a women I am sexually attracted to; in order to deserve that you need to be able to deliver yourself. An obese man does not complain about how he can't attract a skinnier girl because he can't offer that in return (unless the skinnier girl is atttracted to heavier set men).

 

 

 

so that being said, I am actually a little motivated now and relieved I found the true reason, although it is a bit bittersweet. Now I can truly move forward. I am a very busy guy and now can focus on my passions and my career - personal goals. Without the distraction of a relationship. I need to think of it optimistically.

[BrianH46]

How are things looking with your kid?

[Polis]

This reeks of excuses. How is it that you are too feminine? What does that even mean?

 

What exactly is the issue? Eyes? Cheek-bones? Lack of jaw line? Hair style? Do you act feminine in mannerisms?

 

What is your build like? Just because you are "in-shape" doesn't mean you look manly. If you are 6'3" and 160 lbs you will not look manly no matter how low you BF is.

 

Also, just because you think you dress well does not mean women think how you dress is attractive or complimentary to your looks. If you are feminine and dress very "sharp and clean" that could accentuate those features.

[Angler]

Is it only your face specifically that is feminine, or is your build, posture and gait feminine?

 

Facial hair, more gym time?

[Ms Darcy]

It's hard for most people to find mutual attraction. You do find it ... just not with the girls you want. If your standards aren't sky high, you can eventually find someone.

[llw11]

I get what you're saying and sometimes feel that way I guess. But i disagree on one thing in that I think everyone deserves to have a good healthy relationship. Look at it this way: those women you were with that you weren't completely attracted to, thought you were sexy in some way or they wouldn't have been with you. There will likely be someone out there somewhere that will want to be with you in the same way you want to be with them. The thing is, we're not all intended to have the same experiences in life. Some people will just naturally attract a lot of people and some just won't. Some will have many people that they will be compatible with for relationships and some just won't. Some of us will only have a handful of people capable of being attracted to us, if that much, and whether we'll find those people is another matter. They might not even live in your city...so I kinda lost track of what I was saying...oh right...I would exactly completely give up. Be open to fate finally being in your favour...but...at the same time, I like the direction you're going in as well. There are other things to focus on in life and a woman will NOT make you that much happier if any. Some of the unhappiness will go away but a relationship brings all kinds of other sources of unhappiness as well. Definitely isn't the be all end all.

[minorissues]

There are 7 billion people in the world. Surely you don't honestly believe that the opinions of a handful of your friends is true for 7 billion people....

[llw11]

There are 7 billion people in the world. Surely you don't honestly believe that the opinions of a handful of your friends is true for 7 billion people....

While this is true, where you actually live can have an impact on your dating experience. He might simply be living in the wrong city.

[Mariana345]

I don't understand... what is that make you look not so masculine? your face or what? If is that... do you know about japanese-corean-chinese idols? They have this feminine face but are still handsome and lots of girls are atracted to them. And I mean really beautiful women... Maybe you should change your "target"

 

Besides, if its your attitude or pose... you know, many women fall for their "gay" friends (I did it once XD) that behave in a girly way... so I don't know what is going on with that... (maybe I just know weird girls?)

[radiohead20]

This reeks of excuses. How is it that you are too feminine? What does that even mean?

 

What exactly is the issue? Eyes? Cheek-bones? Lack of jaw line? Hair style? Do you act feminine in mannerisms?

 

What is your build like? Just because you are "in-shape" doesn't mean you look manly. If you are 6'3" and 160 lbs you will not look manly no matter how low you BF is.

 

Also, just because you think you dress well does not mean women think how you dress is attractive or complimentary to your looks. If you are feminine and dress very "sharp and clean" that could accentuate those features.

 

I am half Japanese half German... I cannot grow facial hair and have very "soft" features. Facially, I look like I am about 19-20, I am 26. honestly the only way I can explain it is that facially I look like I'm stuck in my prepubescent years. I weigh 173 at five foot 10 with 12% body fat. A few females have commented that the that i have a decent body actually makes things look "off", since It looks unnatural since I have a very very boyish face on an athletic body. I have a poor jaw line and cannot grow facial hair period.

[Polis]

So you look Japanese, primarily?

 

You will probably age better than most guys, but looking 20 at 26 shouldn't be a huge deal. I look like I'm about 20 when I shave and I'm 28 with a fairly strong jawline and 5 o'clock shadow most days. I'm also 6'3" so that helps, haha.

 

Maybe build up your traps if you haven't, bulk up your neck area? Your weight seems on the heavier side and with 12% bf you are pretty heavy for your size (heavier than the average 5'10" guy). That is a plus, though.

 

I really don't understand how that one feature can ruin everything for you; some girls like fit bodies more than faces and if you truly have a great personality then something else is off besides just your face. Maybe reflect on your mannerisms or your social interactions. Is your voice boyish as well?

 

Did you ever ask girls you dated? As in went out on a few dates, not developed a relationship.

[MicheleDC]

It is possible that some women aren't attracted to Asian men, if you have those features. Have you thought of dating women who are Asian? Please don't call me racist. We have multi-racial and cultural dating in D.C. and speed dating specifically for Asians or people interested in dating Asians, same for Indians, African Americans, and then religions like Catholic speed dating, even speed dating for tall people!!

[Justpin]

You will probably age better than most guys, but looking 20 at 26 shouldn't be a huge deal. I look like I'm about 20 when I shave and I'm 28 with a fairly strong jawline and 5 o'clock shadow most days. I'm also 6'3" so that helps, haha.

 

Yeah but I'm 32 but look 16 sure Asians age much better but it doesn't help.

 

I really don't understand how that one feature can ruin everything for you; some girls like fit bodies more than faces and if you truly have a great personality then something else is off besides just your face. Maybe reflect on your mannerisms or your social interactions. Is your voice boyish as well?

 

Because you're not one of us? If you remember recently there was a poll that stated Black women and East Asian men to be least desirable.

 

There are a LOT of negative stereotypes surrounding east Asians. A lot of this is reinforced by the culture we live in.

 

Have a goosie at this.

 

link removed

 

 

It is possible that some women aren't attracted to Asian men, if you have those features. Have you thought of dating women who are Asian? Please don't call me racist. We have multi-racial and cultural dating in D.C.

 

 

Except Asian women don't want Asian men, looking around my social circle every Chinese woman I know has married white. Even my sister refuses to date Asian men.

[SURPRISE]

I wouldn't let that keep you down. I always looked really young too. It made early dating more difficult (not impossible). Younger girls wanted older more masculine guys, older women thought I was too young. Keep your chin up though, as I got older, I have looked younger then most people my age and it is now a very good thing. I could date younger, same age or older. Don't try to look for it, just go and have fun for yourself and it will all work it self out in time.

[radiohead20]

I really don't understand how that one feature can ruin everything for you; some girls like fit bodies more than faces and if you truly have a great personality then something else is off besides just your face. Maybe reflect on your mannerisms or your social interactions. Is your voice boyish as well?

 

 

 

No, I am pretty positive it is my face. I mean, getting an honest opinion from 5 different friends that all said I had a great personality and had a lot to offer BUT the way I look is the problem, and there is really nothing I can do about it. I'm not fat, so I cant lose weight. I'm not skinny, so gaining muscle isn't the issue.

 

 

I mean, there is a disclaimer here - I CAN and have gotten hooks up with girls. But they have mostly been drunken hookups where I was able to seduce the women in their drunken state (I have no problem approaching). However, they typically leave me after a few dates or when they realize they cannot pass the physical barrier.

[MicheleDC]

Do you live in a small town where people maybe aren't as accepting of multi-racial dating? Maybe it's not even that they don't find you handsome enough, but they don't date Asian men. In larger cities, that's not an issue.

 

I doubt that you are not handsome enough or are not masculine enough. You might just need more confidence approaching women outside of a drunken episode.

[Trinity11]

This reeks of excuses. How is it that you are too feminine? What does that even mean?

 

What exactly is the issue? Eyes? Cheek-bones? Lack of jaw line? Hair style? Do you act feminine in mannerisms?

 

What is your build like? Just because you are "in-shape" doesn't mean you look manly. If you are 6'3" and 160 lbs you will not look manly no matter how low you BF is.

 

Also, just because you think you dress well does not mean women think how you dress is attractive or complimentary to your looks. If you are feminine and dress very "sharp and clean" that could accentuate those features.

 

 

Agreed I need photos. Maybe its not looks? maybe its mannerisms? Maybe you are confident and interesting to the point of being obnoxious? I met a very cute guy earlier in the year...half hour in our date and I wanted him to shut up....haha

But we are still long distance friends. He really is a great guy, just not for me! I am still impressed that he did a 6 hour round trip to take me to lunch. Kudos to him.

 

BTW do you think your ex's would ever really be able to be honest. Perhaps they can't put their finger on it. Or simply they just don't find you a good match. PLenty of good looking great guys I know...I just don't see them that way. But I know they are a great catch for someone else.

[Silverbirch]

I think you are probably very attractive. I remarked to some women I know recently that I find some Asian men very attractive, especially ones with long hair. I did once date an Asian guy but it didn't go anywhere but that didn't have anything to do with his appearance. I was telling these women about this Asian man I had seen at the markets (he may have been Vietnamese) busking on some type of instrument I don't know. I told them that he looked so beautiful, especially when he smiled - and that he looked as though he was from another time or place. (He had this long tied back hair and one of his eyebrows had some piercings - nothing like any of the other men I have ever been with).

 

I am Caucasian of French-Italian and Irish parentage. I cannot physically be with unshaven men or men with beards as it causes rashes on my face. Even when are shaven I can still get it.

 

Not to be too blunt here or personal, but I did actually have a physical relationship with the Asian guy I was with for a while. It was "different" - in a nice way. His skin felt softer and was all golden.

 

For quite some time, I hoped I would meet another Asian man, but that didn't turn out that way though I'm not complaining. I like who I am with today.

[omdhafeio]

No, I am pretty positive it is my face. I mean, getting an honest opinion from 5 different friends that all said I had a great personality and had a lot to offer BUT the way I look is the problem, and there is really nothing I can do about it. I'm not fat, so I cant lose weight. I'm not skinny, so gaining muscle isn't the issue.

 

 

I mean, there is a disclaimer here - I CAN and have gotten hooks up with girls. But they have mostly been drunken hookups where I was able to seduce the women in their drunken state (I have no problem approaching). However, they typically leave me after a few dates or when they realize they cannot pass the physical barrier.

 

Do you have a picture of you online somewhere (link?) so we can see what the heck you're talking about?

[Silverbirch]

PS, I forgot to say the Asian guy I saw had a single tattoo of ? a dragon on his arm.

 

I've always thought Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan EXTREMELY attractive. I just don't know other well known Asian men to point out their attractiveness.

 

The other thing is that I think often people of mixed races have a more interesting appearance. In some of the South American countries like Argentina you see some very physically beautiful people of mixed races.

[Silverbirch]

I tried to see if I could find a photo of him on the net. I saw a lot of photos of beautiful Asian men. This one is the closest to what he looks like, and this guy IS Japanese. The guy I saw had straighter hair, NO facial hair, thinner eyebrows with piercings and a tattoo. I thought he had this look about him as though he should be in Lord of the Rings. In fact, I would say he looked in some ways like the young very blonde guy in Lord of the Rings only this guy was Asian.

 

link removed

[Justpin]

Haha...

 

Damnit, 9000 miles apart I there is a woman with yellow fever!

[boxy tee]

No, I am pretty positive it is my face.

 

To be honest, I've never seen an unattractive Japanese-German hybrid in my life. I know for a fact that my Japanese friends would definitely go out with a guy like you. But they are all here in Los Angeles.

 

There are bound to be girls attracted to hybrids like you. A LOT, actually. You probably just don't notice/go after them because you aren't physically attracted to the ones that have shown up. But you're still young, and somewhere down the line there will be a girl who comes along who has everything you're looking for and won't think of your soft features as a deal-breaker.

 

I do agree you should focus on your career, but keep your options open.

 

Yeah but I'm 32 but look 16 sure Asians age much better but it doesn't help.

 

If it's any consolation, I turned 27 a couple of months ago but people still say I look 15. I go to the beach and I get hit on by 12 year olds. I go pick up my younger brother from his high school and I get hit on by high school kids. Older men/Guys my age will look at me curiously, as if they want to approach but are afraid of landing themselves behind bars. Sometimes I feel cursed by my asian genetics.

 

Except Asian women don't want Asian men, looking around my social circle every Chinese woman I know has married white.

 

I've also found that East Asian guys think they're too good for us Southeast Asians girls here in Los Angeles and vice versa. I'm hard-pressed to find a pairing of that nature. Asians seems so xenophobic toward each other.

[Polis]

 

Because you're not one of us? If you remember recently there was a poll that stated Black women and East Asian men to be least desirable.

 

Except he's 1/2 Asian and average height for a male, plus his build is much heavier than most Asians or most people in general who are 5'10". On top of that no where does he mention that he is involved in or is a reflection of Asian culture where he lives.

 

To counter your anecdotal evidence with my anecdotal evidence, the gym I go to has a few very fit young-looking Asian guys, most of whom have g/f's who are good looking (also workout there).

 

 

@radiohead20: I would try to ask an ex. It may be your mannerisms, even with a great personality that doesn't mean it's a manly personality. Know what I'm saying?

 

I agree that posting a pic would help out here, the ladies can comment. Not like you will be thrashed, you already tore yourself down enough.

[lilylilylily]

Are you insane?

 

Eurasian (mixed people) are the hottest people on the planet. There is no way you are unattractive, I refuse to believe it. I know a gazillion Eurasians (being one myself) and I can't name a single con for being one.... best of both worlds in my opinion...

 

Perhaps its your mannerisms?

 

Either way I really want to see a photo now haha.