Is it possible to turn a "no" into a "yes"?

[MattW]

I'm just wondering if anyone has any experience asking someone out, getting turned down, but charming over that person over time and eventually winning them over and changing their mind. Aside from having to have a ton of patience and understanding, is there any other advice or words of wisdom those who have successfully attempted this can give?

[annie24]

my coworker did this and is now married to that woman. though i would say she totally has him by the balls and he knows this and is ok with it, lol.

 

he was extremely persistent and chased her long after his friends told him to move on. i guess it can work, but it seems rather extreme to me. plus, some girls might slap you with a restraining order.

[Keyman]

Persistence can often change the mind, depending on why the no was said in the first place. You have to be wary though, you may persuade the other person, only for them to turn around in a years time and say they should have stayed with no.

[BrianH46]

It's possible but the time you spend hung up on her is better spent trying to get a yes from someone else.

[RedDress]

I agree that the reason for the "no" is pretty critical.

 

I had a guy chase me for a long time, even though I said "no". I liked him, but I didn't want to date him because he had already dated - not one but TWO of my girlfriends. I thought it was icky. But... yes, he won me over and I eventually talked to both of my girlfriends about it. They told me he was a nice guy but not a match for them and to go for it. So... I did. We were together 6 years.

 

It can happen. But... I think more often than not, it doesn't. (There were also a few guys who pursued me, I said "no" and they kept going - and that was just beyond annoying. You say no, you say no, you say no and then you kind of get mean about it, yanno? I'm not proud of those moments)

[goblinshark]

my coworker did this and is now married to that woman. though i would say she totally has him by the balls and he knows this and is ok with it, lol.

 

he was extremely persistent and chased her long after his friends told him to move on. i guess it can work, but it seems rather extreme to me. plus, some girls might slap you with a restraining order.

 

I think a lot of the guys who chase end up in this situation. Completely uneven relationship. Partners should be on fairly equal terms. When you have to chase from the beginning because she's less interested than you are, it sets up a bad dynamic for the rest of your relationship together. So while it is possible to change a no into a yes, it's not always advisable.

 

On the other hand, if you focus your efforts less on making her date you, and more on improving as a person so she wants to date you, then that seems perfectly ok.

[MattW]

I agree that the reason for the "no" is pretty critical.

 

What if the reason is along the lines of currently having too much going on in her life right now?

[RedDress]

What if the reason is along the lines of currently having too much going on in her life right now?

 

Then she'll probably make a pretty crappy girlfriend who won't have a lot of time for you. I mean... unless she plans to give something up.

 

When people tell you things about themselves (like "I have SO much going on") - believe them.

[Angler]

Personally, I would think a far more attractive post-rejection behaviour would be that of total indifference.

 

Chasing means she is up on your pedestal, that you feel her attention is something to be won.

 

Walk away head high and act like nothing happened. Reject her rejection.

[nattpanter]

Personally, I would think a far more attractive post-rejection behaviour would be that of total indifference.

 

Chasing means she is up on your pedestal, that you feel her attention is something to be won.

 

Walk away head high and act like nothing happened. Reject her rejection.

 

Amen to that!

[sidehop]

Moderator Note: Please keep the posts respectful.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I originally said no...then I changed my mind....I wish I had stuck with no as he turned out to be an awful man.

[MattW]

Then she'll probably make a pretty crappy girlfriend who won't have a lot of time for you. I mean... unless she plans to give something up.

 

When people tell you things about themselves (like "I have SO much going on") - believe them.

 

Well, it was a bit more specific than the generalization I made, so I was kinda going to wait until that clears up and see where things are. Anyway, I don't necessarily mean I want to "pine after" her, but I kinda think she does have some interest in me and would've been willing to date me otherwise, so while I "wait", I figure maybe I can "up" my charm level with her a bit, so when things do clear up, she finds me a little more "attractive".

 

And hm, I didn't see any of the posts that got deleted, but I guess some of you guys had some pretty harsh words for me, eh?

[Angler]

And hm, I didn't see any of the posts that got deleted, but I guess some of you guys had some pretty harsh words for me, eh?

 

Nah, Nattpanter had some harsh words about women in general. It got a little ugly in here.

 

All cleaned up though

[MattW]

Erm, no offense nattpanter but could we not derail this topic? Whatever your views on stuff are, that's your thing, I'm just looking to discuss and get input on a specific kind of scenario.

[BritterSweet]

I can't speak for the girl in question, but when I say no, I may lie and say "I'm too busy" as a way of being nice. The message behind that is, "I don't like you, but it's not your fault." I've been raised not to upset people, and some guys when turned down simply for you not being interested may interrogate you on why and/or get angry. And if a guy ignored my saying no and kept trying to persuade me into "giving him a chance," it would give me the message that his desires trump mine.

 

Persistence and patience may be how my dad won over my mom (and after over 25 years they're still married), but I wouldn't count on it automatically. I'd say use your judgment because if it backfires, it can backfire badly.

[MattW]

Well, when she rejected me, while she did say no, with the way she said it, it wasn't quite clear to me if she was saying no "for now" or no "period", and I didn't think to ask for clarification on that, and I haven't brought it up to her since. I don't believe she's "blowing smoke in my face" about the reason she gave me (that being her putting most of her energy into completing college, which she's very close to doing), and I know how badly she wants to finish that up. And while I'm not completely sure, I don't believe she's dated in a while, herself.

 

So, if I take another shot (and I'm not saying I will for sure), it won't be until she finishes up school, and at this point, I'm not sure if she's finishing this semester or next semester (I plan to make conversation with her about that next time I see her, just so I know), so that could be anywhere from the next 3-8 months. Honestly, I, myself, am pretty close to completing a big part of my education, and I know how much work it can be, and how much it can drain you. Heck, I, myself, haven't really pursued dating or anything like that because I wanted to focus on getting through school without any distractions, but I've always been willing to make a special exception for the right person.

 

For now, all I really want to do is continue having fun with her and showing her how fun it is to be around me. Yeah, I might be "stuck" doing this for up to another eight or so months, but eh, like I said, besides special exceptions, I'm not currently "looking" anyway. So, I'm really not losing out on anything by keeping my sights on her. I'm not sure I really have much to lose, anyway; unless we start dating, once she finishes up school, we probably won't be in each other's lives in any capacity anymore, so even if I take another shot and she still shoots me down, we're done anyway, yanno?

 

So, until then, I'm not actually going to ask her out again, or anything like that. But I like to think we both mutually enjoy each other's company, and I feel like she has some (even if it's only a little) interest in dating me, and that if I be patient and put in just a little extra "work", we'll eventually get there. I guess I just wondered if anyone could maybe provide some advice on how to make sure the next however-many-months goes smoothly, and how to build up her interest a little.

[Angler]

For now, all I really want to do is continue having fun with her and showing her how fun it is to be around me. Yeah, I might be "stuck" doing this for up to another eight or so months

 

Bad idea bro.

 

I've been that guy.

 

If you really want a shot with her, be scarce, unless of course you want to hear about all the jerks in her life, you know, while she didn't want a relationship.

[MattW]

Bad idea bro.

 

I've been that guy.

 

If you really want a shot with her, be scarce, unless of course you want to hear about all the jerks in her life, you know, while she didn't want a relationship.

 

That's kinda the nice thing about our situation, we actually don't see each other that much (maybe a few hours a week, sometimes not even that), but we have just enough time to talk and goof around with each other. I don't force meetings, and whatnot, between us, and I don't "follow her around like a puppy", and I think there's enough "space" there that getting "friendzoned" shouldn't be much of an issue.

[camus154]

Well, when she rejected me, while she did say no, with the way she said it, it wasn't quite clear to me if she was saying no "for now" or no "period", and I didn't think to ask for clarification on that, and I haven't brought it up to her since.

 

I don't believe she's "blowing smoke in my face" about the reason she gave me (that being her putting most of her energy into completing college, which she's very close to doing), and I know how badly she wants to finish that up. And while I'm not completely sure, I don't believe she's dated in a while, herself.

 

and I feel like she has some (even if it's only a little) interest in dating me, and that if I be patient and put in just a little extra "work", we'll eventually get there.

 

You know what the common thing is in each of those quotes? Your refusal to accept reality. She told you no, you believe "the way she said it" meant otherwise. She gave you the most cliche excuse in the book, you believe it's the truth. She said she doesn't want to date you, you believe some part of her does.

 

Come on, OP. You're not "done anyways" because you never got started with her in the first place. Don't waste any more time on this. If there's one consistent complaint I've heard from women regarding men who attempt to date them, it's not having the grace to take no as an answer.

 

I promise you--if there was a man in her life who she was madly in love with, she wouldn't tell him no because of school.

[Ms Darcy]

Bad idea bro.

 

I've been that guy.

 

If you really want a shot with her, be scarce, unless of course you want to hear about all the jerks in her life, you know, while she didn't want a relationship.

 

Of course I am biased, but I agree with this. I have one guy in my life who won't accept no. I was waaay to generic and polite about the no the first time. But I think you have to remember how hard it can be to reject someone. I hate doing it once and loathe doing it twice.

[Guitargrinder]

It happened to me one time. First time I met this attractive woman, I said "Hi, can I buy you a drink?". She said "No thanks. Your cute and all, but I just got out of a relationship and don't want another". I saw her a week later at the same bar. Just casual talk, then more, then more, then, I asked her out. And it worked. Just be casual and not begging, pathetic, or upset that she turned you down initially.

[MattW]

You know what the common thing is in each of those quotes? Your refusal to accept reality. She told you no, you believe "the way she said it" meant otherwise. She gave you the most cliche excuse in the book, you believe it's the truth. She said she doesn't want to date you, you believe some part of her does.

 

Come on, OP. You're not "done anyways" because you never got started with her in the first place. Don't waste any more time on this. If there's one consistent complaint I've heard from women regarding men who attempt to date them, it's not having the grace to take no as an answer.

 

I promise you--if there was a man in her life who she was madly in love with, she wouldn't tell him no because of school.

 

Like I said, I'm not saying I'm definitely going to try again. But I see her frequently enough that it's difficult not to think about her. And even though she said no, the feelings haven't gone away. I think I very graciously accepted her rejection, and I'm not "upset" or feeling that she "owes" me, or whatever. I'm not saying I HAVE to get her to date me, or anything like that. I just think that we could be very happy together. I never expected her to instantly become "madly in love with me", but I feel like she could eventually come around and be willing to give things a shot with me.

 

And if I'm wrong, I'm wrong. What's the worst that could happen, really?

[camus154]

But I see her frequently enough that it's difficult not to think about her. And even though she said no, the feelings haven't gone away.

 

So? What does that have to do with her answer to you?

 

I think I very graciously accepted her rejection, and I'm not "upset" or feeling that she "owes" me, or whatever.

 

If you push her for this again, then you stand to lose the grace you exercised initially. That goes right out the window. Congrats, you just became yet another guy who stubbornly refuses to take no for an answer. You potentially develop a reputation, at least among her and her friends, for being that guy.

 

I just think that we could be very happy together. I never expected her to instantly become "madly in love with me", but I feel like she could eventually come around and be willing to give things a shot with me.

 

Based on what, exactly? You've never dated her, you have no idea what she'd be like as a girlfriend...in fact, the only thing you DO know for certain is that she isn't interested in dating you. But remarkably, you're still drawing the conclusion that she might give you a shot down the road.

 

I'm not saying it would be the end of the world to try again, OP. I'm just trying to get you to realize that thus far, all of your reasoning about this situation is based entirely on your own feelings, and have next to nothing to do with her.

[MattW]

If you push her for this again, then you stand to lose the grace you exercised initially. That goes right out the window. Congrats, you just became yet another guy who stubbornly refuses to take no for an answer. You potentially develop a reputation, at least among her and her friends, for being that guy.

 

Again, I'm not saying I'm definitely 100% going to go through with this. A million things could happen between then and now. It's just an idea in the back of my mind, and I just want to be as "charming" and/ or "attractive" as I can to her in the meantime, in case I do decide to give it a shot. Like I said, I don't plan on asking her or bringing up the issue until I know I'm probably not going to see her again either way. Besides, I'm sure I can play around with different ways to word it so that it doesn't sound like I'm "desperate" or "stubborn", should I decide to take another shot.

 

Based on what, exactly? You've never dated her, you have no idea what she'd be like as a girlfriend...in fact, the only thing you DO know for certain is that she isn't interested in dating you. But remarkably, you're still drawing the conclusion that she might give you a shot down the road.

 

Based on the way we "click". I've been (and am) friends with plenty of girls in my life, and this has always felt... different, even before I realized I was into her. I dunno. I don't deny that there's a chance I'm wrong, but I just feel very strongly about this, and there haven't been a lot of things, people, etc. that make me feel so strongly.