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Found boyfriend messaging girls on line - just broke up- 2nd chance or not?

blossom777

By blossom777
in Breaking Up Advice

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blossom777 Newbie

blossom777

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Firstly, thank you for reading.

Been in a serious relationship for 1 year and yesterday I had found out that my boyfriend had been messaging girls on line six months into our relationship,(the nights we didn't see one another) his last message from what i could see was approx 11 days ago. He is very open with his computer and his internet was down so i thought I'd troubleshoot and couldn't believe what i found.

He was very sexual with them, even asking to meet up. I confronted him last night and of course he couldn't deny it, the evidence was right in front of his face. I was so hurt, I was beside myself with hurt and in shock. I trusted this man with all my heart and never once thought he would do this. We had our ups and downs but i never thought he would ever stoop to that. I think I'm still in shock, so i ended it. He tried to apologise saying it was just a fantasy world and not real, but in one of the messages he's asking to meet up with her and gave out his number (another number which he claims is his work mobile number).

He started to become very emotional saying it meant nothing and asked for my forgiveness but i just couldn't. He's not the man i thought he was.

Would you give someone a second chance or cut it off? He's telling me he'll go into therapy, claims he never met anyone it was just a fantasy thing but I'm so hurt and confused, I need your words of wisdom please help.

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blueshoes Apprentice

blueshoes

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Ugh, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

 

You have totally done the right thing by ending the relationship. The best thing would be to keep it that way. A year is a long time, but at least it's also a short time in the scheme of things. If you had been together for years and this online sexual flirting thing had only just started, then therapy could be an option.

 

But the sad fact is he was doing this after only six months of being together. He is upset at losing you and deserves to feel this way. Let him feel this hurt but don't give in, he isn't worth it. Stay strong

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blossom777 Newbie

blossom777

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God I feel terrible. I really loved him so much, I thought we'd get married, we were going to move in together and maybe start a family. That was the plan. I've always been of the belief once a cheater always a cheater and you can't trust them that's why I ended it, but my heart didn't want to because I still love him. I'm in such shock, when I found those messages i started to shake and cry and just read them, read what they were saying and it was like someone just dragged my heart all over the floor. We'd spoken about cheating before and he said he would never, he said he doesn't consider that "cheating" because it wasn't emotional, but to me, it is. He was calling them babe. I just feel sick.

I want to forgive him but I don't want him to ever think that cheating is ok because it's not but i'm confused because he said it was cyber and not real and not emotional. Is there a difference? I don't know.

Thank you to everyone who's taken the time. I really value this.

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markie6 Explorer

markie6

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Real ,emotional...cyber.... I don't see an awful lot of difference when you strip it all down to the bone. There was something missing for him , he went outside your relationship to get it. That's about it

 

the difference is in his pea shaped mind... if he thinks it's ok because it's cyber... or because he is cheating on you in his mind.... you don't want him in your life, with that sort of logic.... cheating to me can encompass a great many different things... all of them are bad enough for me to pull the plug...

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blossom777 Newbie

blossom777

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Yes Markie, thank you. He claims it's not cheating because he never did anything but to me, the moment he started messaging women apart from me, it's cheating. I just feel shocked. To think he was saying goodnight to me and esentially having a relationship with these women on line just makes me feel sick. I feel humiliated, I feel sad, I feel shocked, I'm really upset with him because we had the best day just before this and there was real love. How come i feel the fool? Why am i the hurt one?

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blueshoes Apprentice

blueshoes

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Of course you still love him, it's normal that you do. But don't let those feelings cloud your judgement.

 

He is trying to manipulate you in to thinking that it's just 'cyber' and not real cheating. Let's say you forgive him and take him back...the fact that you let him get away with 'just cyber' pretty much opens the doors for him to go out and sleep with someone.

 

You have every right to feel sick and in shock, he has emotionally cheated on you and that's a fact. Sorry, it's so horrible to discover this about someone you thought you could trust. But better to know now than later.

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blossom777 Newbie

blossom777

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Thanks blueshoes. I'm devastated. I never thought that i would be without him, and that's my dliemma, i can forgive things but cheating cyber or in reality to me feel the same. The fact that he could go there. I don't care how many messages whether it was 2 or 25, the fact that he would choose to speak to someone else other than me, his partner just disgusts and hurt me. He says he's going to get help, I told him, good go get the help but I won't be there. I said, if I let you back then you will think it's ok to cheat on me, and it's not, but deep inside i wanted him back. That sucks. He kept saying it wasn't emotional, it was just a fantasy. I should have been his fantasy!!! I'm so hurt.

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markie6 Explorer

markie6

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Because you just found out something about him , that will change your view of him forever. Sorry for you Markie, thank you. He claims it's not cheating because he never did anything but to me, the moment he started messaging women apart from me, it's cheating. I just feel shocked. To think he was saying goodnight to me and esentially having a relationship with these women on line just makes me feel sick. I feel humiliated, I feel sad, I feel shocked, I'm really upset with him because we had the best day just before this and there was real love. How come i feel the fool? Why am i the hurt one?

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blueshoes Apprentice

blueshoes

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Just know that everything you're feeling is healthy. I can't even IMAGINE my partner doing that to me, but if he did it would be over. I would be tempted to stay as well, but cheating (cyber is still cheating in my books) is not excusable for me, ever.

 

Do you have family or friends around? Keep as busy as you can, cry with friends and family, don't let yourself feel too lonely at this point in time. Take care xx

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blossom777 Newbie

blossom777

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I feel i can never look at him the same way again, even though i want to and I want to have our love back, but the trust has been shattered now and I'm really upset about that. I'm upset that he would take that chance to lose me and he's only regret probably is that he got sprung. I'm upset because i really thought he respected me and loved me, only to read those messages where he never spoke to me like that and why not??? I feel upset that he felt that he couldn't do that with me and had to find some thrill somewhere with some stranger on line.

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blossom777 Newbie

blossom777

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Yes blueshoes, I have family around but we're going through a difficult time at the moment and i don't want to add any extra anguish upon them. My family is great and supportive, i just feel shattered and empty and shocked. Shock is playing really big here. Thank you and likewise take care of yourself xxx

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greta96 Community Regular

greta96

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Actually it all stopped being a "cyber fantasy" the moment he gave out his real phone number... can't get any more real than that! What if you didn't stumble upon the information when you did? What would have happened then? They would have called each other and they would have met, and you would have never found out! Just like you would have never found out about the other women he'd been messaging to.

 

So don't buy his "it wasn't cheating because I didn't do anything with them" BS...he was going to do it, he was setting it up. You just happened to catch him before the cheating had a chance to occur. Which, in my books, is as bad as the cheating itself.

 

I don't see how you'll ever be able to trust him. Even if you choose to forgive him, only to keep the relationship going, things will never be the same, you will always wonder and suspect. This is no way to live. I know it's going to be very difficult for you, but I'm afraid the only option you have at this point is to move on from this guy and find one who won't look elsewhere for cheap thrills. Unfortunately all this online dating thing has made it all too easy for people to cheat and to have the GIG complex, but it is what it is and hopefully there are still people out there who can commit to only one person and resist the temptation of the "new".

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offplanet Apprentice

offplanet

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He's not who you thought he was. The person you love doesn't actually exist. That will take time to sink in. He wouldn't have admitted it if you hadn't found him out. He doesn't even think there's anything wrong with it, therefore there's no reason he'd stop doing it if he could get away with it. It's a shock to find out the hidden side of people you thought you knew. Don't let him convince you there's nothing wrong with what he did. You'll be letting yourself in for an unhappy life if you forgive him and go on with the marriage.

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Ms Darcy Mentor

Ms Darcy

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I am so sorry this has happened to you. You are a very strong woman to be able to leave him so quickly. You should be proud of yourself. I would encourage you to lean on at least one family member or friend at this time. Support - that's what life is about and there is no healthy reason for you to keep it in. Here are a few things to keep in mind as you move forward:

 

1. If you hadn't caught him, then he would have cheated physically. He gave out his number; he was setting it up.

 

2. You only know some of the truth. Liars and cheaters only admit to what has been exposed. How do you actually know he hasn't randomly physically cheated. You cannot trust him anymore.

 

3. He's going to lie and manipulate you to get you back. "I didn't think it was cheating because it was just writing." "I am soo sorry. I will get therapy." "You are my world." It's all lies! His main goal is to get you back.

 

4. He wants you back so you can be his security blanket while he gets his kicks on the side. You are the public woman. But he was obviously getting others for fun and thrills. If you take him back, you are teaching him that he can do this to you.

 

5. Cut him off. Block his emails and his phone number. You need to implement no contact and do not reply to his contacts.

 

Again, you are obviously a strong woman. Don't let your dreams cloud your judgement. Take time and distance from him to see the truth.

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leftme Contributor

leftme

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Sorry but that is the default fallback argument of the cheater.... ooops sorry does it bother you ...

 

Doesn't bother me. Like anything in life, you learn from your mistakes. Maybe he has, maybe he hasn't.

 

You'll notice I made no suggestion to her regarding the path to follow. I just threw a different perspective into the mix.

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Mb1212 Collaborator

Mb1212

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you did the right thing. I have been in a really similar situation with my ex. I decided to forgive him and look past it but it constantly wore on me. Not only that it got to the point where if i brought it up because i was worried about trust he would get mad at me saying i forgave him so i don't have the right to still be bringing it up. I wish i would have gotten out the first time i found something, stay strong.

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