Should I be Mad, or Overreacting?

[DN]

I disagree with those who say you owe her an apology for bringing this issue up when she was tired. That makes no sense, there's always a reason not to bring up an issue - tired, bad mood, other things going on. If she is such a delicate flower that she can't deal with being tired and resorts to insults and arrogance then she is lacking in the character department.

 

There is never an excuse for being that rude, arrogant and hurtful, especially to a partner. She wouldn't do it to a boss (if she had any sense or self-control) or to anyone else she cared about or did not want to risk offending.

 

Seems to me that she is being excused bad behaviour - blaming the 'victim' is remarkably unhelpful. You don't need to be walking on eggshells around her in case it is the wrong time to bring something up. This isn't the first time she has reacted like this.

[EQIQ]

I think you have made a lot of assumptions based on just one incident sir

[EQIQ]

Agreed in that I do not owe an apology, and I won't apologize. I will feel sad, and w/e, but I won't make contact until I receive an apology.

 

Don't understand what you mean by "This isn't the first time she has reacted like this". Have I mentioned another time where she has acted like this? I seriously don't remember her acting like this in the past. If I did mention it somewhere let me know, it will be helpful to me.

[Seraphim]

I think people saying she does not care about him is a load of hog wash. People get grumpy and in a bad mood, they say things they regret. Crap happens. I do not think there is one solitary person on this forum who has not treated their SO or someone very dear to them like crap at some point. Every single person on this earth has. He did say he SELDOM has issues with her.

[EQIQ]

I think people saying she does not care about him is a load of hog wash. People get grumpy and in a bad mood, they say things they regret. Crap happens. I do not think there is one solitary person on this forum who has not treated their SO or someone very dear to them like crap at some point. Every single person on this earth has. He did say he SELDOM has issues with her.

 

I know she cares about me. She cares about me very much, I have seen changes in her, things she does for me that she had never done before. I don't doubt that she cares/loves me. And yes, we seldom have issues. The ones we do have, like this "lack of expressiveness", is a recurring issue because we have very different personalities on this area. And I understand where she is coming from. However, if I don't let her know how I feel about it, it will build resentment, which is not good for either of us. The same way I expect her to let me know when she is feeling down about something that I can help with, she expects me to be open with her too. This one time however, things did not run so smoothly, and she reacted in a way that was uncalled for.

 

I think she is scared that I might not be wanting to travel there, and got only her focus on that one point, and not on the whole picture.

[DN]

Agreed in that I do not owe an apology, and I won't apologize. I will feel sad, and w/e, but I won't make contact until I receive an apology.

 

Don't understand what you mean by "This isn't the first time she has reacted like this". Have I mentioned another time where she has acted like this? I seriously don't remember her acting like this in the past. If I did mention it somewhere let me know, it will be helpful to me.Not exactly like this with insults but you did post this which does not show much investment in the relationship when added to the concerns you brought up. Let's not forget those concerns - what she said was bad but the original concern about her not making efforts and being undemonstrative are still going to be there. It could be that her reaction was lashing out because she knows she isn't exactly trying very hard.

 

And people who don't put into a relationship tend not to care.

[Seraphim]

Then you have to talk about it. But not talking until you get an apology won't get you there. I know for myself if I waited for an apology from my husband most of the time we would probably never talk...........lol.

 

Take a look at the big picture too that she HAS made a lot of changes to make you happy. I can understand you want more expressiveness, but if that is not who she is your wanting it and wanting it might build resentment in her too. Maybe she feels she IS being expressive. I would say to talk about it though.

 

I still think though this is something that might change as you live and grow together.

[EQIQ]

DN, I see where you are coming from, but she never offended/insulted me like this before. And even this, I think it was not her intention to insult me. She did, but I don't think it was her intention. Aside from that, my main concerns over expressiveness is a personality difference problem.

 

Example: I was talking to her earlier this week, (these past few days I have been feeling pretty down, I have been sick with a flu that refuses to go away for a week now, and feeling a bit needy for attention/love), anyway.. so I said to her over the phone that she could help by giving me a hug + a big "I love you" (we were over the phone hug impossible off course lol, and yes I know I sounded like a lame cheesy girl). She was like.. "awww babe... I do tell you that I love you...", and I said.. "well not enough lol"... and her response.."I told you just last week and I was like " LAST WEEK?! LOL?" Like... that is supposed to mean recent lol!??? Then she said that if we say it too much, then it loses meaning, and I won't even remember it anymore if she says it all the time... etc. And I said how I am of a different train of thought. Later on in the conversation (different topic etc) she found a cute way of saying that she loves me, by using our full names, etc. It was cute, made me smile.

 

Some people think that compliments/I love yous, this and that... the more the better. I am kinda like that, not to the full extent, but I like more, rather than less. She thinks when things get repeated to much, it becomes a habit, and it's done out of habit, rather than really meaning it, stop being special.

 

She has invested in other ways though. For example, earlier in the relationship, we had been talking about sex, and "hair care" down there. I mentioned to her what my preference was. Her reaction was what I was really like... "HUH! awesome... I just mentioned how I preferred no hair. She went ahead and got herself scheduled with laser treatments, etc. She wasn't gonna do this, she only did it because she wants to please me in the future. That stuff HURTS. I didn't request it or anything, she just asked me what I wanted/liked, and did it for me. She even apologized to me more than once, that some of it didn't work 100%, etc... like she owes it to me or something, and I don't really mind tbh, I just really loved the gesture.

 

There are other ways too. The main issue for me, is this difference in personality, over being expressive, but she has improved, and I can see some effort from her. It's sad that I can see her effort, but I still feel like it is not enough, and it sometimes makes me feel needy and somewhat taken for granted on some grounds... It's not particularly fair for her either, trying to please me, but feeling like she is unable to, or doesn't know how... I feel for her as well.

[pl3asehelp]

I agree with this 100%. I get that you want to brush this under the rug like it's no big deal and that it had something to do with her being tired, but I'm sure her negative reaction came from you calling out what is the reality of her side of the relationship - she's just not nearly as interested or committed as you.

 

Now you're questioning whether you did something wrong here? You spoke up about your feelings. A partner who loves you, even if they are tired, does not like react like that.

 

Come on, it's simple - she doesn't make the effort you do. That's a big deal and it's not subjective. You asked her about it and instead of answering, she got defensive. Is she off the hook now? She doesn't need to answer your question? Her avoidance and blame switch tactics worked well.

[EQIQ]

I don't think I did something wrong. Maybe bad timing, but not wrong. And she is not off the hook. I expect an apology to come from her.

 

You guys draw a lot of assumptions and conclusions out of thin air. Read what I have said in my posts carefully before making such claims... You are entitled to your opinion, but I think you are very very wrong.

[pl3asehelp]

I don't think I did something wrong. Maybe bad timing, but not wrong. And she is not off the hook. I expect an apology to come from her.

 

You guys draw a lot of assumptions and conclusions out of thin air. Read what I have said in my posts carefully before making such claims... You are entitled to your opinion, but I think you are very very wrong.

 

Do you expect her to explain why she doesn't make the same amount of effort to come see you as you do to see her? That's a lot more important than the apology. Not being expressive isn't a free pass not to address serious concerns your partner brings up.

[Seraphim]

Do you expect her to explain why she doesn't make the same amount of effort to come see you as you do to see her?

 

He KNOWS why. She does not have a car and is many hours away. He said he did not EXPECT her to do that but maybe show in other ways her caring.

[Seraphim]

I don't think one or two situations means she does not care and is not committed. All we hear are very small microcosms of someone's relationship. He said normally they have NO issues.

[pl3asehelp]

He KNOWS why. She does not have a car and is many hours away. He said he did not EXPECT her to do that but maybe show in other ways her caring.

 

Since when is 1 hour many?

 

He asked her because he's not seeing the effort and she dodged the question with an insult, which she should apologize for. However, in addition to saying she's sorry for the insult, she should still answer his question regarding effort.

 

What she's doing is called stonewalling and it's not a minor thing, but OP, if you don't care if she addresses your concern, that's your business.

[Seraphim]

Since when is 1 hour many?

 

He asked her because he's not seeing the effort and she dodged the question with an insult, which she should apologize for. However, in addition to saying she's sorry for the insult, she should still answer his question regarding effort.

He said she DOES make efforts but you all keep on missing that part. He said she had made a lot of effort but he also thinks maybe he is asking too much sometimes. That it is basically a personality conflict. He is very expressive and she is less so. Now all of a sudden she is some uncaring lout who is making no effort and insults him all the time.

[EQIQ]

Do you expect her to explain why she doesn't make the same amount of effort to come see you as you do to see her? That's a lot more important than the apology. Not being expressive isn't a free pass not to address serious concerns your partner brings up.

 

Dude, even I didn't want a full blown discussion at that point in time... I just wanted to express that it would be really cool if she made the effort to come over here someday. (Something that I haven't looked into myself, but by bus would probably take up to 3 hours, or more). It would be a very flattering thing if she did that for me, that is all I wanted to express.

 

As far as not addressing my concerns. It was close to midnight, and we both have to wake up at 6am for work. We have been working on trying to get to sleep sooner so that we can be healthier and have more energy for each other. Even I didn't want those concerns addressed at that time. In the past when we have had concerns, she never shut me out from expressing them. And even though this late night thing is very tiring for us, more so for her (she has a 1.5 hour commute to work, lives alone, has to prepare her own food, sometimes has to work long hours, has gotten home at 9, or 10 pm), even then makes time to talk with me before going to sleep. Actually she desires to talk to me before sleep. There have been times that I just wished her a good night over text.. and her reply.. "NO!! I need to talk to you first". Not for anything important, she just wants to talk to me. Earlier this week she stayed up till 12:35 with me, just cause I was feeling somewhat down, and she wanted to be there for me...

 

This is what I am saying dude. You can't draw conclusions from just one incident. I have very few problems with this woman. Many older people that have known her for a while give me good rep about her (good job man, shes a good girl happy for you), etc.

 

This is an isolated incident, and it made me mad, and I am not gonna let her get away with it, but it doesn't mean in the least that she doesn't care about me.

[Seraphim]

I for one hope your relationship works out and I think it is a little hiccup in the road of life.

[pl3asehelp]

I never said she didn't care about you. I just said I think the reason she got mad at your question is because she isn't as invested in the relationship as you and didn't want to tell you that, so instead she pitched a fit. So proceed with your plan and expect her to answer your question. Until you get that answer, you're just guessing. I mean, you asked for a reason, no?

 

I've been in LDR and in my experience, it's a problem when one person perceives they're putting in more effort than the other. I think you think that too, which is why you brought it up with her.

[EQIQ]

I never said she didn't care about you. I just said I think the reason she got mad at your question is because she isn't as invested in the relationship as you and didn't want to tell you that, so instead she pitched a fit. So proceed with your plan and expect her to answer your question. Until you get that answer, you're just guessing. I mean, you asked for a reason, no?

 

No I didn't ask for a reason. I just expressed that I wish she would do something like that once in a while. To surprise me with something nice. That is all. I didn't ask for a reason as to why she does or doesn't.

[EQIQ]

I for one hope your relationship works out and I think it is a little hiccup in the road of life.

 

Yeah me too... it's just a bad week overall... Sick, then feeling a bit needy (hate feeling like that, makes me feel like a wuss), then this incident... meh... I bet she is going to call me tonight, we will talk. I will express that what she did felt like she slammed a door shut in my face. She will apologize, say she didn't mean to... say she was tired... etc etc. It will be okay... Sucks I have plan with my friends tomorrow. I actually feel like seeing her in person, and making up in person.

[Seraphim]

Yeah me too... it's just a bad week overall... Sick' date=' then feeling a bit needy (hate feeling like that, makes me feel like a wuss), then this incident... meh... I bet she is going to call me tonight, we will talk. I will express that what she did felt like she slammed a door shut in my face. She will apologize, say she didn't mean to... say she was tired... etc etc. It will be okay... Sucks I have plan with my friends tomorrow. I actually feel like seeing her in person, and making up in person.[/quote']

 

Well don't let anyone convince you that couples don't fight or do or say things that hurt their partner because it happens to ALL of us. No marriage or relationship is without strife. Anyone who says theirs doesn't have any and they have never treated their partner like crap at one point or another is full of malarky. I am sure she will tell you she is sorry and you will both make up. People have have bad days, bad weeks. It happens. It is what you do with it that matters. Do you communicate and get better. THAT is what matters the most.

[pl3asehelp]

No I didn't ask for a reason. I just expressed that I wish she would do something like that once in a while. To surprise me with something nice. That is all. I didn't ask for a reason as to why she does or doesn't.

 

I meant you expressed your concern because you had a reason to. I hope you expect her to respond to the concern you expressed in addition to the apology.

[EQIQ]

Well don't let anyone convince you that couples don't fight or do or say things that hurt their partner because it happens to ALL of us. No marriage or relationship is without strife. Anyone who says theirs doesn't have any and they have never treated their partner like crap at one point or another is full of malarky. I am sure she will tell you she is sorry and you will both make up. People have have bad days, bad weeks. It happens. It is what you do with it that matters. Do you communicate and get better. THAT is what matters the most.

 

Thank you.

[DN]

It seems too many people are overlooking 'you don't deserve to see my face'.

 

That is uncaring. That is an insult. It's no good pretending that didn't happen or is somehow excusable because he was tired.

 

OP, I am concerned that you seem to be veering towards thinking this is no big deal - or are being persuaded that it isn't. But this is twice you have posted about similar concerns, so there must be something to it. I understand she has her defenders who seem to think what she said is no big deal but you must look at this in toto and not just in isolation.

[EQIQ]

It seems too many people are overlooking 'you don't deserve to see my face'.

 

That is uncaring. That is an insult. It's no good pretending that didn't happen or is somehow excusable because he was tired.

 

This I am mad about, and she better apologize for it. The whole issue of expressiveness however, I know why it happens... and it's not entirely her fault. It is a difference in personalities.

 

That one statement though, out of everything is what pissed me off, and I deserve an apology for it. Plus it will result in me drawing back somewhat...