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Conflict and Contradiction


ApocalypseDreams

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Hi Jonty,

I've tried a couple of times to post pics of my son, but keep getting a message saying "failed". Will see if I can post one of me

 

Sorry to hear about your relationship issues, but you never know how things might go so good luck!

 

I'm such a ditz and tried to fix this, but sorry you have 2 of me (taken in November)

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Jonty....right when you're coming out of your depression....and she's bailing?? Was it just too tought for you both over the holiday??

 

I'm the black sheep in my family, but not a total outcast. This year was the first Christmas without my dad...no one really talked about it. Mom kept saying this was gonna be her last Christmas....bleh.

 

I was home alone all day on my Birthday....Dec. 24 and mom never even called to say Happy Birthday. Today was New Years....home alone all day again. But you see...it's extra hard on me cuz im EXTROVERTED.....!!! lol...called some guy to see if he'd go to the movies with me today...he said 'No thanks".

 

Made me cry....

 

Holidays do suck....but here it's winter....in OZ we can have people like SB being hot biker babes!!!! lol....I'd ride behind...but i could never drive that big thing! lol

 

Jonty, don't know anything about your girl, but maybe it was just a bad week....give it a little time...

Good luck...it's a new year...keep plugging forward.....like all of us....just one foot at a time....

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Thanks RN, Superman and SB.

 

I've resurfaced.

 

Ah, drama with girl is a long, long, long story. I think it's been dying a slow death for a while. I think I'm gonna let it go.

 

Suffering from abit of inertia over the holiday period. So apathetic and lazy, physically and mentally. Need to kick myself in the ass and get things moving.

 

SB, lol. Who's bike is that? Yours?

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I don't know what the little yellow stars next to my journal on the journal list page mean but I have FIVE stars!!!

 

I notice I have more stars than other journals. It assume this means that my journal is better than everyone elses?

 

Thank you, whoever voted (assuming it comes down to a vote) for my journal! You are the wind beneath my wings.

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Been attending the Buddhist centre for exactly a year now. Attending meditation and dhamma talks every friday night is apart of my weekly schedule now. I can't believe how many people now attend on Friday's compared to a year ago. Buddhism has really exploded here.

 

Have the next month free from volunteering, which I'm kinda looking forward to. It's hard to get the most out of the meditation and dhamma talk when you've just finished volunteering 5 minutes before. I also prefer to get into the meditation hall early and I have a pre meditation routine that works for me.

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Hi Jonty. The bike belongs to David, the guy I have been seeing for around 16 months. He has only had it around 3 months. He's a motorcycle mechanic by trade and every year for a long time, he used to go to Bathurst as part of a mechanics team. I recently saw photos from that which was interesting. He used to race bikes too though not at Bathurst. He doesn't get scared easily, but he told me he got to ride on the track at Bathurst and that it is a scarey track to ride on.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

Thanks man!

 

Went to a Lebanese restaurant for food and had shisha...ugh.

 

I have to stop abusing and poisoning my body with alcohol, junk food and things like shisha. I am blessed with reasonably good genes, without being too conceited, and if I worked on it I could be definitely bring my physical attractiveness up a few notches - way ahead of the average guy.

 

C'mon J, get your act together!

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Yes Jonty, from what I can see, you are way ahead of most other guys in the looks department. I didn't really celebrate Australia Day as such - I worked part of the day - and I'm one of those people who supports a Citizen's Day and understands the Aboriginal perspective on celebrating that particular day. Hope that isn't deleted by moderators as being a political post.

 

I am about to have my first Saturday off work in quite a long time and will go to the St. Andrew's Markets and buy some of the tasty and healthy vegetarian food. I've also been doing some "nesting" in my home to make it my very own. I bought a second-hand futon bed which I have put in my living room and creating a reading nook with a lovely view. I mostly just need to get some more cushions and will keep my eye open also for anything that inspires my imagination. I've also seen a beautiful hammock bed mounted on a frame but alas, I have nowhere to put it right now as it needs to be under cover.

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You know, I have alot of affinity for the Aboriginal people. I am educated and work in the realm of Environmental Science but prior to it, I was fairly ignorant and bought into alot of the ideas mainstream Australian society has regarding the Aboriginal people. I did a heap of units on Aboriginal culture, history and their perspectives and from what I've been learnt, they've been treated so poorly throughout history. They also have a wealth of knowledge about the land that is largely untapped in land management. They don't teach the bad stuff in schools, at least not when I was in school. They don't teach you about the massacres or that the Aboriginal people legally were considered fauna until 1967. I totally agree with you regarding Australia day. To me, the Aboriginal people are like someone who has been abused and mistreated for so long that they've been left with no self esteem. In my opinion, their culture and their contribution to Australian society and history has been totally devalued. I could go on, because I feel so strongly about it, but it would start getting into the realm of politics. I really worry about them, as a people, the gap seems too large now.

 

You live in a semi country area hey? You seem to have a great lifestyle where you live. Lucky! I live in the urban sprawl that is Perth. There used to be a beautiful area of bushland along the coast near were I live, owned by the Catholic church, that got sold off for development. Much of the natural areas around where I live are slowly disappearing, unless they were already designed as a reserve or greenspace. It makes me sad.

 

I think I'm going to create a little nook of my own - for reading and meditation. Alot of Buddhists will create a little shrine with photos and objects that inspire them and create feelings conducive to good meditation. I don't know what it is, I prefer meditating with other people. It has a different 'energy' to it.

 

I don't know if you have read it but there is a really excellent book called "Guns, Germs and Steel" by an Anthropologist called Jared Diamond. It's an interesting look at the development of societies in different parts of the world, and why European society became dominant.

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Sharks! LOL, ever since I was a teenager and saw the movie JAWS, the thought of sharks is very scarey. I'm originally from Brisbane with family on the Gold Coast and spent most of my holidays growing up on the Gold Coast. I used to have a surf mat and loved it.

 

That book sounds very interesting. Yes, I feel like where I live has so much to offer. On Sunday, I will drive around 10 minutes to a nearby community where there is the last railway station on the line. I'll travel into Melbourne which will take around an hour and then catch either another train or tram. Not sure where I'm going, but likely Carlton and Fitzroy.. Even though I love the peace of where I am, I also appreciate culture and diversity. I'm all up for some good second-hand book stores and try something to eat which I haven't had before - some African food would be my first choice.

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I don't know if you have read it but there is a really excellent book called "Guns, Germs and Steel" by an Anthropologist called Jared Diamond. It's an interesting look at the development of societies in different parts of the world, and why European society became dominant.

 

LOVE that book! Love Jared Diamond!

 

" Collapse - why society's choose to fail or succeed " is another one of my favorite's of his.

 

Just fun stuff. To me, anyways!!

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Ohh and sorry to cut in all like this, Jonty. lol. It got me excited though reading about someone with similar interests to my own. And if you have an affinity for Aboriginal issues, as well (I've thought that Australia and Canada have a very interesting thread of similarities politically that run quite deep) - maybe you'd like another book that I love.

 

"the other side of eden: hunters, farmers, and the shaping of the world" - Hugh Brody.

 

You might have seen some Brody's film making even. Or read some of his stuff. He was rather prolific, and contributed in an interesting way. Anyways, I like this book, and I also like "Maps and Dreams", in particular. There are other sources and books and writers who cover this material - but I like how he sits sort of right on a bridge of multiple ways of thinking.

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Sorry guys.

 

I've had a really bad week and my mind is messed up. I've been thinking about a box of strong painkillers I was given for something else. Apparently it is pretty easy to overdose on.

 

I'm so depressed, lonely and suicidal my brain hurts. I'm completely shot. I've stopped taking my medication. Screw it. Let's see what happens. In some ways I want to lose it.

 

My brain wants me dead.

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Sick of feeling like a foreigner

Sick of people trivialising my problems

Sick of giving more than I get back

Sick of being everyone's 'option'

Sick of being undermined

Sick of being used

Sick of feeling like a creep

Sick of being taken advantage of

Sick of not measuring up to societies standards

Sick of my brain, my thoughts, my mind, my body and soul

Sick of being overlooked

Sick of the past

Sick of the present

Sick of the future

Sick of feeling suicidal

Sick of the depression

Sick of the loneliness

Sick of anxiety

Sick of hating myself

Sick of the people who act like they have a clue how to help me but don't

Sick of the collection of idiots who work in mental health and have no clue whatsoever

Sick of the government for cutting funding to mental health

Sick of stupid, good looking people who never have to worry about anything in life, because of their free pass as being socially accepted and not having the brains to think about how messed up life is

Sick of watching other people succeed and get what they want

Sick of my family

Sick of the consequences of my depression my life and the choices I've made

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Please don't give up. I care about your well being. I know how trite anything I may have to say right now may sound to you, but I'm genuinely worried for you. I'm scared about you being alone with those painkillers right now.

 

Can you call someone to be with you now? This feeling is going to pass and I want you to be around to talk about it with us later!

 

Dear Jonty, you have so much to offer this world. We need people like you. We really do.

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