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Conflict and Contradiction


ApocalypseDreams

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Hi Jonty,

Yesterday, I took myself for lunch and had Eggplant Parmiagiana. It was delicious and I've looked at recipes and it appears to be simple to make - and not expensive either. When I get a chance, I will cook it - maybe in a couple of days. I think you would like it.

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Hey Silverbirch.

 

I'm feeling like crap this weekend.

 

I had such a good week too. I don't understand why things can just dramatically change for no reason at all. I've had a terrible weekend. I don't know if it is this, but I had a massage for my back (I hurt it a few weeks back and the muscle has tightened) and post massage has left me feeling really washed out, dehydrated and horrible. I thought massages were meant to make you feel good?

 

I feel like a fat, lonely and ugly loser.

 

Will respond to your two messages tomorrow. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

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Jonty, I am now very careful where I get massages. We have lots of Chinese massage here and I have NOT enjoyed most of them. I persisted for a while. Probably the best massage I have was at a Sports Medical Centre given to me by a qualified sports masseuse. I had similar experiences to you previously. I like to give accupressure massage, but I prefer to give it on the hands and feet.

 

I have bought the ingredients to cook the Eggplant Parmiagiana tonight.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Oh man. The things you cook sound delicious! One of my best friends is moving back here from the UK - she's a good cook and a vegetarian. I think I'll get her to teach me how to cook some meals that she cooks for herself. As I live on my own I'd ideally like to spend some time cooking on the weekend, portion it out and then freeze (or refridgerate) it so I can eat it during the week.

 

Is safeways the same as woolworths? We don't have safeways here.

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Been in a bad way these last few weeks and haven't felt like posting here. Maybe I'm looking at this forum with tainted eyes but I find so much negativity here that it actually harms me reading the posts. Everyday I read stuff posted readily writing people off as losers or hopeless, and sometimes the reasons people are condemned to worthlessness actually apply to me. Why do I even come to this place? I'm tired of the negativity. Not negativity from depressed or heartbroken people either, their pain is understandable. I find some of the posts by advice givers so cold, scathing and harsh, all under the guise of just being "honest" or "tough love". I thought this was a place of HELP and not relentless CRITICIZING. Maybe this isn't the support site I thought it was? Not saying people need unhelpful coddling but showing a bit of humanity and compassion should accompany all advice I think, especially when dealing with people who are down and out for various reasons. Nevermind, I guess some people need to feel superior and get a win for their ego. Pretty good place for it, a forum full of hurting and down and out people. Lots of people you can write off, lecture and feel superior to.

 

In terms of my own mental health, I've been in a really bad way lately. I've started having suicidal thoughts again (the first time in over a year) and I'm in such a fragile mind state. I was informed that one of the services I was using has had its government funding cut and will be ending in the next few months. Great! Thanks for that! Thanks for undermining my help! I guess the issue of mental illness isn't sexy enough for society to give a damn about. Maybe I am a write off? Hey, I've been actively attempting to overcome this, to become a better person and contribute more to society but there is no actual support. The support I am able to receive is so watered down and is itching to get rid of me at the first sign of unsustainable improvement. Although I'd have more to deal with, it would actually be easier for me to get help if I was a drug addict or an alcoholic or even someone who beats up their wife and kids. My problem is that I'm high functioning, non violent and don't have an addiction. I'm not too much of a 'problem' and I fall through the gaps I think. That doesn't mean that my issues aren't important.

 

I wish had the courage to end my life. That's the only thing that is stopping me - fear. Fear I'll screw up and end up a vegetable. I'm too gutless to do it at the moment. I live for no other reason.

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People who tell you how modest/tolerant/open minded they are tend to be the exact opposite I find.

 

I don't put any stock into what people think or say they are. Most people have bs beliefs on who they are, which their actions and behaviours contradict. If you ask a room full of people, 80% of them will say that they are above average intelligence. Almost everyone isn't statically good or bad, but fluctuate between the two scales.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi Jonty, I'm sorry I hadn't seen your last few posts up until now. I've been popping onto this board quickly and thought I had my eye out for posts of yours. I hope you are feeling better.

 

Is that you in the photo? You remind me of my son. Similar coloring and features. . . he turned 25 in September. Anyway, needless to say, I think you are a very handsome young man. You look quite different to what I expected. I did think you would be handsome, but for some reason, I thought you would have a sort of Jesus look to you - long dark hair and perhaps facial hair.

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Hey Jonty and SB....we were told at 'massage school' that sometimes after your first massage you can get sick....with flu like symptoms. It's the toxins getting worked out of you....you're suppose to go home and drink LOTS of water. Maybe that is why you felt dyhydrated Jonty!

 

 

I've done a few massages that they told me they didn't feel well the next day....so remember....LOTS of WATER after a massage!!!!

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Hi Jonty, I'm sorry I hadn't seen your last few posts up until now. I've been popping onto this board quickly and thought I had my eye out for posts of yours. I hope you are feeling better.

 

Is that you in the photo? You remind me of my son. Similar coloring and features. . . he turned 25 in September. Anyway, needless to say, I think you are a very handsome young man. You look quite different to what I expected. I did think you would be handsome, but for some reason, I thought you would have a sort of Jesus look to you - long dark hair and perhaps facial hair.

 

Hey SB!

 

Yeah, I've been feeling alot better this past week with one bad day! Which for me is a very good week! The good days (6 days out of the 7) I would rate my happiness and contentment at 8 out of 10.

 

The bad times are becoming less frequent. I'm feeling alot more confident lately, which is great because it allows me to be who I want to be and who I want people to see me as. My mind is starting to clear and I'm more sharper with my thoughts. The annoying thing about depression and self esteem is you don't show yourself and the rest of the world to be the best person. That's hard because I know I'm a decent person. That disconnect is the hardest thing.

 

I dunno what has caused the change. Meditation? Exercise? Eating better? The different supplements I take? Therapy? A combination of all? Who knows but I'll take it and have to make it my best effort to maintain it.

 

Thanks for your kind words regarding my appearance! Yes that is me. That's how I look 'scrubbed up' but I go through phases were I grow my hair out (when I was traveling I had long hair and looked like Jesus! lol). I prefer looking a bit more scruffy and rugged to be honest, but there is a fine line between pulling that off and just looking plain dirty. Looking more clean cut is safer and it appeals to more people I think, but doesn't necessarily represent who I am.

 

Hey Jonty and SB....we were told at 'massage school' that sometimes after your first massage you can get sick....with flu like symptoms. It's the toxins getting worked out of you....you're suppose to go home and drink LOTS of water. Maybe that is why you felt dyhydrated Jonty!

 

 

I've done a few massages that they told me they didn't feel well the next day....so remember....LOTS of WATER after a massage!!!!

 

Hey RN.

 

She did mention getting sick due to the release of toxins. I had the feeling of a bad hangover or feeling poisoned. I drink at least 2 litres of water a day almost religiously, so either that wasn't enough or I had alot of toxins released. The feeling went away after a few hours but was a bit of a shock. I always thought massages were meant to make you feel amazing. lol

 

My back is now better, btw.

 

Cheers!

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi Jonty!!! I've been without a computer for a couple of weeks, but finally back on board. It's good to hear you are doing well. I like the long hair! When my son went to Asia, he shaved his head as he does from time to time, and I'm sort of used to that now, but at first, I didn't like when he would do that, especially as he has very nice hair. I tried to download a photo of us both but can't seem to do so. I'm not sure what it is that I do wrong, but I can't work out how to paste photos on ENA in that full sized as I've seen other people do. Mine all come up lookiing like a thumbnail. When I tried to post the recent pic of us, I got a message to say something like the file was too large. Yes, you and my boy have similar looks - and lots of people say he looks like me!

 

Wo, eating fruit from the original bodhi tree! What did it taste like?

 

Do you mind me asking what "with metta" means?

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I was wondering were you where. How was your Christmas and New Years?

 

I'm having computer issues too at the moment and I've been reduced to using my phone, which is a little cumbersome.

 

I'm curious to see what your son looks like now. I think some people can pull off longer hair really well. Longer hair is kinda annoying when traveling though, so i can see why your son shaved it off for asia.

 

'With metta' means 'with loving kindness'. I put it in my signature as a way of reminding myself to post in a nicer, more positive way rather than in the passive aggressive or mean, egotistical way. Dunno, I'm done bickering and debating with people on the internet. Total waste of time and energy.

 

The bodhi fruit was quite nice actually! I can't think of a comparable fruit but it was quite fleshy and a little tart. Someone said it's like a fig but I haven't eaten fig before so i can't comment!

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I'm kinda glad 2012 is over. Wasn't a particulary bad year, at least not compared to 2011 but was still a struggle. I'm not one who gets too sentimental about the past, nor am I one to make new years resolutions. I'm just wanting to get stuck in and get to work on making things better and that's kinda hard over the holiday season. The holiday season is a time of inertia in that regard.

 

I've gotta be honest, I've had a hard time over this past 10 days. Christmas hasn't been the same in my family since my mother's passing in 2006. Couple that with the odd relationship I have with my family (a bit of an outsider and black sheep) and it makes for a pretty lonely time for me. I'm an introvert so i can somewhat kick it on my own but the holiday season is hard because everyone is with family or loved ones. I spent this Christmas on my own, to avoid my family's harsh comments on what a mess my life is or totally not understanding the issues that i have to deal with and that IZ'm facing head on.

 

My New Years was another lonely affair. I took some sleeping pills to avoid the loneliness that was starting to gnaw away at me.

 

Today I read. I finished one of the books I got for xmas - Tim Flannery's 'Here on Earth'. I thought it was excellent read and it was nice to read a book with a positive message regarding humanity and the environment. I've just started reading my other present - Oliver Sacks 'Hallucinations'. I've read alot of self help/spiritualism books in the past year and I need a bit of a break from it.

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Stupid me!

 

I've spent the last 2 years kinda involved with someone. However it seems like it is coming to an end.

 

To be honest, I can't blame her for letting it die. Infact, i totally understand why someone wouldn't want to wait around for me or an uncertain future.I want her to be happy and in all likelihood, that won't be with me. It doesn't make it any easier though.

 

I've committed myself to dealing with my problems, even at the expense of things with her. It's a sacrifice I'm making and I lose things very important to me for this process. I just hope it is worth it in the end cos at the moment I,'m losing more than I'm gaining.

 

I hope this isn't it and I hope she'll be apart of a much brighter future.

 

I hope I haven't lost her.

 

*sigh*

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