Being replaced

[cupcake22]

Just found out my ex is in a new relationship about two weeks after we ended our 5 1/2 year relationship. The worst past is that the new girl is everything I'm not and he is the happiest I've ever seen him. We never took pictures together and they post all of their lovey dovey ones on FB. She is pretty, skinny, smart and probably a happy cheerful person that makes him happy. I will never find someone else. I have so many bad characteristics and now I feel even worse about myself. I've been replaced with a better version and he got what he always deserved. I hate myself.

[PlayingAces]

A few questions;

 

Why do you care if he's with some other girl? I'm sure you broke up for a reason. If you broke up with him, you should have known that he would eventually find someone else. If he broke up with you, he's not worth the time it takes to feel this way.

 

Jealousy is a worthless, destructive emotion. Every couple is happy when they're first together, the trials and tribulations of a relationship don't come until later. If he was a lousy partner to you, he will undoubtedly be the same with this new woman. People don't change over night. You should feel sorry for her, not jealous. He will end up hurting her as he has hurt you. And such a guy isn't worth any thought, you need to have enough self respect to move on.

 

Don't bother to look at his FB. Who cares if she's skinny or cheerful? Why compare yourself? Any woman, at any time, can find a man to be with, BUT you will never find a guy WORTH loving if you don't respect yourself. Your low self esteem will only attract men who will use you and manipulate you.

 

Do you really define yourself solely by this relationship? You existed before him, you can go on without him, and I bet your life will be better for it. You need to do some serious soul searching to find out who you really are, so that you don't feel that your relationships are all you've got. You've always got YOURSELF, be your own best friend and advocate.

[cupcake22]

Thank you. This helps

[seanryder]

Just another quick thought:

 

I heard recently Facebook being referred to as "Photoshop for your life", in that what you post on it is going to show you in the best possible light, having a great time, living the life, happy photos (you're hardly going to post photos of you being miserable) and so forth. If people were genuinely living the life they wouldn't have time or the inclination to post on Facebook. Don't you think that anyone who breaks up with you is going to know you will be looking at their page.......work it out!

[bw92116]

It really hits hard when you find out your ex is in a new relationship with someone else. It drives home the point that it's over between you and them. Finding out stuff like this can only make you hurt more. I don't know how you are going to be able to train yourself to stop looking at his Facebook page. Somehow you've got to stop, even if it means never going to Facebook at all. In the meantime, maybe you can comfort yourself with the fact that the pretty, skinny, smart new girlfriend is now the one that is putting up with all his B.S. instead of you having to put up with it.

[FreeFallFeelin]

Being replaced is, I believe, the hardest rejection scenario to deal with. My recent ex left me for another guy and was posting pictures of them together within a few days of our BU, and even told me "he just naturally does all the things you don't do". The insult to injury is unbelievably painful.

 

Not only are you dealing with the loss of your relationship and the feeling of rejection, but it absolutely devastates your self esteem in a way that makes you feel microscopically small. You instantly start imagining how much better this new person is and how terrible you are, instead of focusing on the simple fact that the relationship didn't work out. It's as though there is no respect for you or the time yo spent together. No reflection, no grieving, no concern for your relationship. You point the gun at your self and feel as though the whole world was in on this sick joke where everyone else walked away happy and in love, and you were left to scoop your guts up off the floor ...alone. You can barely function and all you can think about is how happy your ex is after having kicked you off a cliff.

 

People can say "the ex owes you nothing" and that "it doesn't matter how soon they start dating after they leave". But I say, if the ex had known for so long that they were over you, then the right thing to do would have been to leave long ago. Not stick around and build a new life to leap to once they're ready to drop the hammer. I mean, if somebody claims that they went from one LTR directly into a mutually exclusive relationship right away, chances are, something had been cooking for some time before the break up (ie; cheating). There is a energetic bond that forms between people, and to have that be treated like a contract that is now technically void, or like a used paper plate that can simply be replaced, is f'ing wrong.

 

A book that I found very insightful was 'The Journey From Abandonment To Healing". It can be found very easily on the internet.

[charity]

i know exactly what you are going through. my ex met the love of his life a few weeks after he and i broke up. the new girl genuinely seemed wonderful, happy, loving , kind person. i was so jealous and bitter. they lasted 8 months. she broke up with him citing all the same problems i had had with him. it took a few months with her to make him self reflect wheras in 7 years with me he never took responsibility for thing that went wrong.

 

all i can say to you is- do not torture yourself by spying or checking facebook. it will compound the self hatred and jealousy. you really are better off not seeing this stuff. block him immediately.

grieve and time will do its thing.

the areas that you hate in yourself need to be focusued on. what don't you like, what do you like, what do you want to change, how can you change etc etc

 

i know its the worse pain now... but i promise it will fade and you will be ok

[Sadbri]

I hope my ex is dealing with her issues and figuring herself out, her stated reasons for ending things. What I believe deep down is that she's dating someone else.

[maybelater]

This happened to me. I dated someone/lived with them for 4+ years only to have him break up with me and end up in a mutually exclusive relationship with a high schooler (which he initially lied about). They have been officially dating for 5 mos now but she was on the scene before our breakup and in pictures all over him right after our break up. There is no coincidence. And DO NOT let them tell you that they never cheated on you and all the other s**t they will try to feed you. Because bottom line (once emotion moves out of the way) is when there are hardly any "coincidences" in life. This has been the MOST painful thing I have ever dealt with but I am 8 mos out now and it is really really starting to get better. I still have low moments when I hear him putting on the "I am the best boyfriend" in the world face for her and doing things he never did when we were together but you have to remember it is a new fresh relationship... everyone is on cloud nine. But what goes up must come down. It is so hard and you are going to hear: give it time, who cares, delete facebook, go NC, etc etc. THESE ARE ALL TRUE= what is the POINT to understand is NONE OF THOSE THINGS will be effective until you are ready to actively implement them. I just implemented strict NC 3 mos ago...as in I don't hope, wish, oyr wait anymore and now NC is truly that... NO CONTACT and the others you will adapt them and implement them truly and effectively when you are ready. It takes time. It is hard to cut the cord. Just be patient with yourself and gentle with yourself. It is going to take a lot of time, a lot of tears, a lot of repeated why's, a lot of sleepless nights, but SOMEHOW someway (your own way), you will get to the other side. It sounds crazy... I never thought I would. EVER. But here I am typing to you. From a new city. I have been on a couple new dates. I still have low points. But the knife in the gut feeling goes away. Just have to have faith and just keep waking up everyday.

[ClarityCoast]

I heard recently Facebook being referred to as "Photoshop for your life", in that what you post on it is going to show you in the best possible light, having a great time, living the life, happy photos (you're hardly going to post photos of you being miserable) and so forth.

 

Seanryder, I applaud you! This is fantastic!

 

YES!

 

Lets look at OURSELVES with this one. I myself am guilty of putting on a cool, calm, 'who cares' front when the truth is...I'm raging mad or deeply hurt inside.

We all do this!

Social media DISTORTS it.

 

On the other hand, when I am completely indifferent or "over" an issue...when I am HAPPY....I am OUT being happy and NOT advertising it.

 

Sean....the next time I get irked over someone's "blissful" existence on the INTERNET...I will yell, "PHOTOSHOP!"

Thank you!

[amob]

Yeah, my ex got a new gf very quickly. He was acting like he wanted to get back with me, I started to respond in kind and then POOF! He embraced her son (he dedicated a book he wrote and illustrated to them which killed me to see) then he married her and I'm certain they had more kids. It's awful. I have to admit I never got over it. Just know you are not alone.

[lmasterz]

VERY well said.

[iBroken]

He is not the happiest he has ever been. They have only been together a few weeks!

 

He is simply infatuated. That often dissipates.

[einsteins_girl]

I have also been replaced. From what little I know, he began dating her about 4-5 months after the end of our 6-year relationship. I know 4-5 months might seem like a reasonable amount of time to mourn, but to me, that seems very fast.

 

It hurts.

[cupcake22]

He purposefully wanted to hurt me. He sent me a picture of the kittens we raised together knowing damn well I love them and miss them. I will never get to see them again. Then he goes on to tell me how the new girl loves them and somehow magically is cured from her cat allergies. Also he told me she can quote all of his favorite movies and is beaming with cheer. He wants me to hurt. I just hope the new girl sees him for who he really is soon. Every relationship, including me, has been a rebound. He cannot be by himself, he needs someone to carry him through life. I tried for years to be what he wanted, but I just wasn't enough.

[siegfri333]

I can relate to that... my ex FB profile pic is of her and her new guy, she sent a mail saying she "wanted to send me a message on FB but didnt find me" (blocked her after i saw that profile pic for sanity purpose). She just wanted to hurt me.

[John3572]

To be in a new relationship that quickly after breaking up tells me that he was probably cheating while you were together. If it wasn't physical it was emotional. Don't put a lot of stock into his pictures on FB. People usually do that when they are in a new relationship then you don't see them with their new found love soonafter and they broke up. New love is different than love that has aged a bit. It is a new and exciting and you want to share it with the world.

 

It sounds like he is a tool. You should remove him from your news feed so you can allow yourself to heal without updates about his new life. Do not compare yourself to his new gf. That's not fair to you. He was attracted to you that's why he was with you for 5.5 years. Life goes on and don't beat yourself up about it.

[browneyedgirl36]

He purposefully wanted to hurt me. He sent me a picture of the kittens we raised together knowing damn well I love them and miss them. I will never get to see them again. Then he goes on to tell me how the new girl loves them and somehow magically is cured from her cat allergies. Also he told me she can quote all of his favorite movies and is beaming with cheer. He wants me to hurt. I just hope the new girl sees him for who he really is soon. Every relationship, including me, has been a rebound. He cannot be by himself, he needs someone to carry him through life. I tried for years to be what he wanted, but I just wasn't enough.

 

Well, of course he thinks she's fabulous -- he barely knows her. Everyone's all cheery and wonderful and perfect in the beginning -- it's the honeymoon phase in which they're trying REALLY hard to impress. Give it a few months. Heck, not even "a few." The bloom will be off the rose, and she'll be less-than-perfect.

 

Regardless, someone who prattles on to an ex about how unbelievably freakin' happy he is with her replacement...isn't all that happy. People who are truly happy don't need to reassure everyone around them -- particularly exes -- that they're SO happy. Just like honest people don't have to announce how honest they are, or successful people don't have to tell everyone how successful they are -- it just SHOWS -- and people who have to announce it, often, are quite the opposite of what they're trying to convince everyone they are.

 

And him TELLING you how happy he is with someone else? Just rude and cruel, and shows what sort of person he really is.

 

My last ex, when he "announced" he was taking his previous ex back AGAIN (he and I were already broken up), was VERY smug about it, going on and on about how some people are just right for each other and some people aren't (ouch!) and how they just "fit" together; he even compared me to a hapless movie character who kept getting dumped -- ummm.....really????? I was hurt that he went back to her, but I was PISSED that he was so smug and callous about it to me. Still, I calmly wished him luck and that was that. Less than a year later -- heck, within six months -- their relationship imploeded yet again (this was the third time they'd broken up). I resisted the temptation to say "I told you so" (though I admit I thought it!)

[bunny45]

Originally Posted by FreeFallFeelin

Being replaced is, I believe, the hardest rejection scenario to deal with. My recent ex left me for another guy and was posting pictures of them together within a few days of our BU, and even told me "he just naturally does all the things you don't do". The insult to injury is unbelievably painful.

 

Not only are you dealing with the loss of your relationship and the feeling of rejection, but it absolutely devastates your self esteem in a way that makes you feel microscopically small. You instantly start imagining how much better this new person is and how terrible you are, instead of focusing on the simple fact that the relationship didn't work out. It's as though there is no respect for you or the time yo spent together. No reflection, no grieving, no concern for your relationship. You point the gun at your self and feel as though the whole world was in on this sick joke where everyone else walked away happy and in love, and you were left to scoop your guts up off the floor ...alone. You can barely function and all you can think about is how happy your ex is after having kicked you off a cliff.

 

People can say "the ex owes you nothing" and that "it doesn't matter how soon they start dating after they leave". But I say, if the ex had known for so long that they were over you, then the right thing to do would have been to leave long ago. Not stick around and build a new life to leap to once they're ready to drop the hammer. I mean, if somebody claims that they went from one LTR directly into a mutually exclusive relationship right away, chances are, something had been cooking for some time before the break up (ie; cheating). There is a energetic bond that forms between people, and to have that be treated like a contract that is now technically void, or like a used paper plate that can simply be replaced, is f'ing wrong.

 

A book that I found very insightful was 'The Journey From Abandonment To Healing". It can be found very easily on the internet.

 

Excellent post!

[bunny45]

I just ordered the book you suggested. Look forward to reading it!: )

[Dinocaz]

Oh god yes I hear you that awful feeling of being replaced. I was also within about 3 and half minutes of me leaving the building Its cr@@p beyond anything a person could imagine. BUT. Do NOT start comparing yourself with the other person. I did that for so long, wasted so much energy for so long only to find out its a load of b@lls. You have been replaced yes but not by someone better than you but just somone different. Dont look at the FB remove it if need be. Block block block. You do NOT need to read or see what your ex is up to. Start to look within and re-connect with who you are and all your own really good positive points as a human being.

 

I never compare myself to what my ex has these days ever. I dont waste time on it. I am just me and if thats not enough for the other person well its there loss. Its hard but in the end makes it easier when the exes seemingly move on so quickly. Rebounds many times fail but fail or not that should be of no consequence to you. Long term you wont give a d@mn about who or what your ex is with. They will just be you ex. Wishing you well on this really am!

 

BTW the Stephan Fry video clip was great!

[metrogirl]

All he did was open the door for you to find your special someone since he clearly wasn't the one.

[BlueEagle]

Well said.

 

 

 

I've wondered this myself. How could an ex jump from one to another so quickly. My ex did the same thing with me, only she married her crazy ex in THREE months after we were through. Keep in mind this was the same crazy ex (or perhaps she was the crazy ex, or they both were) that she would tell me about in full detail on more than one occasion during our rough times in the relationship. Something didn't sit right and with hindsight I believe that despite the drama that was going on between them, and me seemingly being in the middle and feeling a flood of mixed emotions, it was a warning sign; something was definitely not right and in lieu of good communication, she was beating around the bush (i.e., "give me more attention"). I find if bizarre that someone could not only date, but get engaged and married within three months of a breakup! But, she was a needy person to begin with. Perhaps there was cheating involved; if not physically, at least emotionally.

 

OP, I know this is incredibly difficult because I've been there and still, at times, goes through the "Why" and "What if" scenarios. But, rest assured that if your ex could find someone that quickly then more than likely it's not genuine, but rather a rebound relationship so he doesn't have to be single. Amazingly, a lot of people, my ex -- and seemingly, your ex -- are individuals that NEED to have someone in their life or they can't function. That's just how insecure and unhappy they are with themselves. He's being spiteful by rubbing it in your face which is uncalled for and puerile. Jumping from relationship to relationship to avoid being alone to grieve, gather perspective, learn what went wrong in the relationship so the same mistakes are not made again, etc., is clearly unhealthy and for what it's worth, I doubt their relationship will last long-term. In the end, I think you will come to find that you dodged a bullet.

[cupcake22]

Thanks everyone for the great advice. I was doing really well with the breakup with NC, but then one day I was bored and all alone and I caved. I told him I missed him, he told me of the new gf. Now I'm depressed and cry everyday. It is so much better when you do not know anything about what they're doing. I honestly knew he had already moved on because he is a rebounder, but actually seeing them together is a whole other concept. I can't stop comparing myself to her and how much happier he is with her than he was with me. But then I remember the beginning for us, we were just like them. Infatuated and so in love.

[cupcake22]

Blue eagle, that is my worst nightmare. He has been with his new girl for two weeks and told me he loved her and thinks of marrying her. WTH? If they marry, I will lose it.