Lesbianism Blew My Mind

[MissingAminka]

Hi, Everyone,

 

Looking to commiserate; though most of the threads here have spoken deeply to me, I've found none so far which parallels my case in this respect: my ex-girlfriend wants to explore lesbianism.

 

A quick background: there's a seventeen-year age difference between us; I didn't realize it because she's one of those people who look more mature than they really are -- and I mean this in a good way: she used to model and you know how a lot of these models you see are really teenagers?? So that's why I thought she was in her mid to late twenties when she was just nineteen! Anyway, after over three and a half years together, and living together for over three years out of that period, she's had enough of me and wants out...except that she misses me terribly and was having a hard time moving out (due to the fact that her new place is undergoing renovation and not yet available, she's been staying at her parents' but most of her stuff is still here in the apartment we'd found together and shared).

 

Okay, this is the thing for me...she misses me and wants to remain friends, even to the point of coming over twice or more, staying overnight, cooking and cleaning and having sex like before -- even giving me hundreds of dollars to help with the rent -- just to remain friends! She's offering all that because I'm hurt and terribly upset and am resolute I don't want to have any contact with her whatsoever if she's so determined to move out. It's childish, and my male pride I think, but I also do believe that she has ulterior motives...which she'd confessed in a moment of candor: she wants to explore lesbianism!

 

She has bisexual tendencies and have had affairs with girls (and guys -- but I'm talking about lesbianism here) during our time together when she found me flirting online (actually, she already cheated on me at the very beginning with a guy, and though I had told her I was into mild cuckoldry it was supposed to be something we did together, not her just having an affair of her own). So now she's thinking what she really needs is a good woman in her life! And that just blew my mind. 'Cause I've always been like, hey, if you're bisexual, let's get a threesome!!! But she's so damned jealous and never really consented to it....

 

Anyway, anyone in this situation?? I mean, I'm really hating lesbians and gays now...I know it's wrong but I'm really, really, really thinking evil thoughts about lesbians. I've always found them a little disgusting, I admit, but now in my hurt I'm feeling very evil...anyone ever had this kind of an issue??? Like maybe not with regards to lesbians, but maybe if you were dumped for a black guy (or white, whatever; sorry, black guys are always the bogeyman, right?)....

 

Sigh...I know I'll catch a lotta flack over this but oh well, such is the price of asking for advice....

[Unreasonable]

Um, not really sure what kind of advice you're looking for here. She's your ex. How is her current sex life any business of yours?

 

She's bi-sexual. If she wants to explore that side of her sexuality now, that's also none of your business.

 

Threesomes and bi-sexuality are two completely different topics. Stop trying to make a connection there.

 

Fact is, if she wanted to be with you, she would. No point in hating on an entire group of the population just because they aren't like you.

[FathomFear]

Yeah, I'm not sure I understand your thought process. You've known for a while that she's at least bisexual. So now that she's decided to end the relationship and is looking for a female partner, you hate gays and lesbians?

 

Honestly I'd suggest therapy, as this could be a larger sign that you don't internalize conflict well and project frustrations onto larger groups. It's a dangerous path.

[charity]

eh.... well one of my boyfriends a long time ago cheated on me with a beautiful Swedish girl. it was a bad time and she said some nasty things about me.

now any time someone mentions Sweden i get a negative physical feeling through me.

recently my good friend's husband had an affair... and the other woman was swedish!! my instinct was like' 'those damn swedes!!''. totally ridicules of course, it just stems from jealousy and insecurity.

[MissingAminka]

Hey Charity,

 

Thanks for the charitable response. How long has it been? How intense is this "negative physical feeling" nowadays??

 

I don't want to hate or have negative feelings and I think one day it'll pass (a previous ex was a single mom and for a while I was like all "Republican" on single moms and out-of-wedlock kids) but I do wonder...now when I read about single motherhood issues I just feel very cold and indifferent, nothing "actively negative" but there's definitely a kind of self-satisfied shrug at their plight, though perhaps just as often I'm still able to be human and sympathize...anyway, thanks for sharing....

[charity]

it has been about 10 years. it is a very faint feeling now. its instinctual but it has no control over me. it lasts all of a few seconds.

back then though it was more intense. i actually felt a dislike for all swedish girls , as if they had all done me a wrong. again i clever enough to realize that it was irrational so i never let the feeling control me. if i had met a swedish women the next day i could have easily become friends with her. but i was glad i didn't because i enjoyed having someone to blame. i enjoyed feeling that they(she) were morally inferior to me. so silly.....

 

you will realize in time that this is all about ego and insecurity. anyone that targets a whole group of people they don't know, do so in order to feel better about themselves, to feel better then someone else.

[charity]

the only thing that is worrysome about your post is that you say you always found them a bit disgusting even before this. now you may feel you have something that 'justifies' this? but you don't and you need to work hard not to let this develop into hardcore discrimination or hatred.

[MissingAminka]

Hey, Charity,

 

Now I think I have to disagree with you. I'm not hating lesbians right now to feel superior...I think it's a very strange psychological thing here where if it were a guy, I'd be able to imagine punching him out (and might even act on it, heh) but because it's a girl, a lesbian, it's like, I can't do anything...so sure, I think a certain sense of powerlessness but not quite insecurity and a need to feel superior, if that makes sense.

 

Fortunately, I'm not of a mindset to go postal or something as being in New York City there are lesbians everywhere and I don't normally think anything of it but within the echo chamber of my own mind, gripped by emotions, it becomes this strange and suddenly powerful creature, this hate that becomes disgust. And that's odd because even homophobes tend to give lesbians a pass whereas gay guys are the ultimate perverts, if you know what I mean, but anyway thanks again for commiserating....

[MissingAminka]

the only thing that is worrysome about your post is that you say you always found them a bit disgusting even before this. now you may feel you have something that 'justifies' this? but you don't and you need to work hard not to let this develop into hardcore discrimination or hatred.

 

Yes, that's true, but "only" in the sense of finding something like cow testicles disgusting (it's a delicacy in certain parts of the world), something completely irrational but still present all the same, yet it's not like I insist on people not being able to eat it (or be lesbians). But yes, I guess the breakup has suddenly given this preexisting sentiment a certain boost, like how in a bad economy once-weird but harmless-seeming foreigners become public enemies....

 

Anyway, in my one night and day on this site I've yet to see a thread that addresses the anger and hatred that's not simply directed at the ex but, say, his/her family, socioeconomic group, pets, whatever...is everyone else besides me a saint or something?? (No, y'all are just normal -- LOL!)

[Unreasonable]

So, what you're asking is how you can get over not liking all lesbians because your bi-sexual girlfriend appears to enjoy them?

 

Well, I dunno, that's kind of like asking how to stop being racist. Some people do not grow up racist but then have a bad experience with an individual from another race and end up racist. But, you kind of sound like a bit of a homophobe from the get-go.

 

I'd just look up resources on how to stop being prejudiced, there are lots of them around there.

[iBroken]

Its not called Lesbianism. Its HOMOSEXUALITY. Or in her case, BIsexuality.

 

Sure - walk around with a chip on your shoulder towards gays cause we stole another one. But I dont think that will get you very far in life.

 

If she wants to be with women (and men), thats her choice. It sounds more like its not you, its her

[Ms Darcy]

...anyone ever had this kind of an issue??? Like maybe not with regards to lesbians, but maybe if you were dumped for a black guy (or white, whatever; sorry, black guys are always the bogeyman, right?)...

 

I am confused. What do you mean? Like if someone leaves a guy for a black man then the guy who gets dumped starts hating black men. Black men are boogeymen? How so? Very confused.

[abitbroken]

I think you are very hurt and shocked right now. For me, it would be one thing if my boyfriend left me for a woman or decided he didn't want to be with me and took up with another woman after. It's entirely a different feeling if he left me for a guy. Sure, I would be upset with both - but I would feel betrayed like our relationship had been a lie or wasn't completely genuine. That is why you are more upset at her taking up with a woman than having an affair with a man. With a man - you still have the thought that she is/was into you but decided she is no longer. WIth a man, there is a possibility in your mind that she NEVER was really into you.

 

I think that its a big slap in the face for her to want to be your "friend" or "roomie." I would not let that fly. Real friendship only comes after healing from the relationship and going separate ways for awhile if it is to be.

 

Yes, it is your business if she is exploring bisexually if she is parading around in your face in your home talking about her relationships, etc. You need to stop being used - even ifshe is throwing money at you she is being very disrespectful to you. If she were a platonic female friend you never slept with who was lesbian and was talking about relationships it is totally different if it is a woman who you have recently had a relationship with.

 

Anyway, I know that you are a bit all over the place right now probably. I would do what you think is best, but I think you need to get away from her to heal right now.

[bw92116]

Clearly you have pain and anger because you have been left by someone you love. Would you have less pain or less anger if she had left you for another man? I would suspect you might have more pain in that case... because in that case you might make the (false) assumption, which men sometimes make, that she left because you weren't man enough for her, that she needed a better man. But that's not even an issue here at all, because she left you to be with a woman, so the whole issue doesn't even apply. So it seems like it should be a little easier for you to deal with. Nothing wrong or inadequate with you at all... she didn't leave because of you. She left to be with a woman. But there's still the pain, hurt and anger because she left you. I think you will just have to accept that fact and heal from it, and move on to another woman who is willing to be with you 100%. Just my opinion though.