We had the marriage talk and now he acts weird around me

[Cluedo]

I've been dating this guy for about 4 years off and on...recently we just moved in together, its been almost 5 months now. Mostly everything has been amazing, we love each other's company. The thing is though that I am originally from another country and my working visa runs out by the end of this year which will obviously mean I have to go back home.

 

I try not to think about it too much because I really love this guy and hell...I would marry him if he asked me too! it is in no way just a means to stay living in that country, if I didn't know him than I would want to go back home.

 

So anyway my flight is/was scheduled for next month and he has persuaded me to stay with him until after christmas and then says I have to go back home. I asked him...'what will happen once I go back? so that will be it for us?' and he just said that if we're both still wanting to be together and miss each other that we can arrange to 'hang out' at the end of the year maybe. I don't know why but this made me angry, I feel like what we both have is worth so much more than that and this is where I brought up the marriage thing...

 

He was pretty much horrified and said he was too young and it was too soon (he is 30 next month) to be getting married, it wasn't said but there's really no hope for us ever doing it.

 

It's really weird between us now and he makes me feel like I'm being too clingy...like I go to hug him or drape my arm over him and he makes out like he's being smothered

 

Maybe I should back off, let him come to me? I just don't know how to act around him either any more... knowing that he will willingly let me go back home and not try to keep me.

[offplanet]

If he's that definite about not wanting to marry you, which it seems like he is, there's no point in you staying till after Christmas. It'd be too awkward, for one thing, with you naturally feeling resentful or angry, and he feeling probably a bit guilty, and scared of being 'dragged' into marriage against his wishes. Four years was enough time for him to know if he wanted to get married or not. You realize it's not going to happen, so why stick around? If there's any chance of him changing his mind, you're suddenly leaving would probably do it. I think it'd be good to leave as soon as possible, not to make him change his mind, necessarily, but for the other reasons above.

[1st Love]

I think talking about marriage will make things quite different between you two now. If you really want to marry him, then maybe you should break off the relationship. He has no intention of marrying you and it's only going to hurt you more if you stay in the relationship. If you're happy just being a girlfriend to him then I do not see any harm in staying in the relationship.

[abitbroken]

"Hanging out at the end of the year?"

 

The real issue: You guys didn't talk about a future BEFORE you moved in together. Now you have high expectations he would naturally want to marry you and he considers moving in to mean nothing of the sort. I also think you should pay attention to why you are on and off. It it is for reasons other than you having had to go home for 6 months or a year at a time and decided not to be together then, then this relationship is not solid enough for you to consider marriage either.

 

I am glad that you brought it up, though, so you aren't basing your decisions on this guy.

 

IMHO, 30 is not too young for most people to consider marriage.

[lavenderdove]

Oh, i would instantly move out and break it off if after 4 years he responded that way when you talked about marriage!

 

I personally don't believe in living together unless you are either engaged or have talked seriously beforehand about it being a limited time trial period before you do marry. The problem is way too many men are happy enough to live together because it gives them easy access to frequent sex and they get to play house and share expenses, but they have a perpetual 'out' clause because they never actually married you. And some men never want to marry and just prefer to have a string of live in GFs throughout their lives.

 

So he basically let you know he has no intention of marrying you. So don't make it easy and convenient for him by 'hanging out' and having sex with him anymore. He obviously wants a GF for regular sex and so he won't be alone for the holidays, but the second you're gone, he'll be looking for your replacement! I'd just leave now and get on with your life since he obviously doesn't intend to marry you.

 

30 is DEFINITELY not too young to marry. That's just an excuse because he has no real reason other than he doesn't want to marry you.

[Ms Darcy]

Oh, i would instantly move out and break it off if after 4 years he responded that way when you talked about marriage!

 

I completely agree with this and everyone else. The minute someone says they do not want to get married after four years, you need to walk away. Do not postpone your flight. Go home, start healing, and look for someone who actually wants to marry you.

[Cluedo]

This is the hardest decision I've ever had to make. It's really sad because he is my best friend and he means so much to me...I can't imagine my life without him in it. A part of me thinks that at least we can still talk on the phone and online when I get back home and then maybe if he does miss me enough he'll invite me to come back.

 

I think this has done damage to our relationship though...this morning when I woke up and he had left early for work I came down stairs to check the note he left (we alwaysss leave each other a little message saying 'have a good day, im thinking about you' or something like that) and today there was nothing...no note at all

 

If I go back home early I think he'll get a bit mad, he seems really keen on the idea...I guess so he doesn't have to be alone for the holidays?

[mhowe]

Yes -- he is acting distant, and yet saying you should hang around. I would stick w/ your original plan now. This is about you, taking care of you.

 

The damage is done -- you cannot put a band-aid on this and think it will heal.

[Jd1983]

Honestly, I think it's time to pack up and leave.

 

In your previous thread, you mentioned that you rarely have sex. If anything, possibly once a month. I'm sorry, but unless it's some medical issue, a guy that truly loves you wouldn't be able to keep his hands off you.

 

Secondly, if he' still unsure whether or not he wants to settle down with you after 4 years, then that is enough for you to keep it moving. Do you want to wait another 4 years to have him tell you the same?

 

Don't make someone a priority when you are just an option.

[Ms Darcy]

^If you are barely have sex and he's distant and he doesn't want to marry you, you need to wake up and realize this is over.

 

Start packing now. Please do not keep torturing yourself. He does not want you honey.

[Cluedo]

It's not an issue where I don't think he loves me, he does a lot for me to be honest and he is a great boyfriend. I don't want sex to be the main focus of our relationship and we are intimate in a lot of other ways.

I'm just going to accept that he doesn't want to get married. I'm not going to act all emotional and weird around him, I'm going to play it cool...when it comes time to going home, I will do just that.

Do I think our relationship will go further once I am back in my own country? I don't. I'm just going to enjoy the time we have together now and put it down to life experience. If he doesn't want to keep me and marry me than I think that will be something he has to live with and maybe he might regret his decision but that is not for me to think about.

[mhowe]

Good for you.

 

And no, I don't think the relationship will continue after you go home. His loss, in many ways.

[silly55]

It's best you leave and find someone who will treat you much better. He sounds like a boy not a man. The longer you stay more hurt you'll be.

[Ms Darcy]

It's best you leave and find someone who will treat you much better. He sounds like a boy not a man. The longer you stay more hurt you'll be.

 

I agree. And while I don't think sex should be a focus ... once a month? Really? That would be hard for a lot of guys to deal with.

 

But yeah, accepting he doesn't want to marry you is the first step.

[Cluedo]

We can be so amazing together! I know that he doesn't have many people in his life who he is really close to, the only person is his mother...who he worships. I'm finding myself becoming mean and nagging as it's getting closer to my flight date...I need to stop this and just chill! I love him dearly and I want us to end on good terms...I really do need to relax and just enjoy our time together now.

[Ms Darcy]

When are you leaving?

[Cluedo]

When are you leaving?

 

i'm supposed to leave in early october...just don't know what to do, i don't want to be left an emotional wreck from this. i wish i didnt get so invested in relationships and care so damn much.

[Solo Pilot]

I've been dating this guy for about 4 years off and on.....

 

I would marry him if he asked me too....

 

So anyway my flight is/was scheduled for next month and he has persuaded me to stay with him until after christmas and then says I have to go back home...

 

Marriage talk can definitely freak out some men especially if they aren't ready or willing to. If you've been with this dude off and on for 4 years and he's not wanting to marry than he probably won't change his mind. I'm sure if your poistion your hoping that if you go back to your country your absence will make 'his heart grow fonder' and end up realizing that he can't live without you which could make him choose to want to marry you. Anything is possible. My instincts doubt it considering how long you've guys dated.

 

Reminds of that expression I hear around here a lot. Sh*t or get off the pot. If he isn't willing to marry you then do yourself a favor and move on. It seems like your going to go through a period of hurt and sadness sooner or later dealing with this guy. He's keeping your around till Xmas for either more sex or he's attached to but doesn't want seem like he can commit.

 

If you stay till Xmas I hope your prepared for the fact that he not ever want to get married with you and you guys will go your separate ways. Just remember not to take it personal. Some guys and girls are just not the marrying time and are plain weird!!

[penelope13]

I think you should start distancing yourself emotionally from him right now (I understand that you don't want to move to a different place for the last month that you are in his country).

 

There is no indication whatsoever that he is willing to invest what would be necessary to maintain a relationship long distance, nor is it likely that he will change his stance on not getting married. If he was really into you he would be as willing as you to discuss future steps and how to maintain the relationship in face of your imminent departure, visa issues etc.

 

A few things that i have learned from personal dating experience: just because I may feel that things are 'great, amazing etc' in a relationship has no direct predictive (i.e. no guarantee) value when it comes to evaluating what the other person might think and feel. While you think it's the best ever, he can be very non-chalant and hardly effected by it. Thus taking your own feelings as a measurement of how the other person may feel is highly risky.

 

Secondly, how can you consider him a true friend (you said he was your best friend), when he is not concerned about what your future looks like (regardless if you move back or not)? Just because you logistically spend most time with him, talk with him most, doesn't make him a true friend. If he would care for you on a personal level, regardless of relationship status, he would have been straight forward honest with you about his intentions (or lack thereof) and would be interested to make this transition as easy for you as possible.

 

But it sounds as if he enjoys your company enough for the time being, but not enough to think about future implications. Continuing the relationship till the day you leave the country is a very selfish thing to do from his perspective. It's taking advantage of you and not having to deal face to face with breaking up with you, but leaving it to the last minute. Quite a cruel thing to do to someone

[Ms Darcy]

i'm supposed to leave in early october...just don't know what to do, i don't want to be left an emotional wreck from this. i wish i didnt get so invested in relationships and care so damn much.

 

I know it's hard but I would leave in early october as scheduled. Why was he your best friend? I think you are in a tough position because you are not in your home country so you are more attached to him than you otherwise might be.

[silly55]

Girl, just go right now, pack your stuff and get some support from family and friends back home. You'll feel better that way, that's the only guarantee here.

[lovinggirl]

The first sign when a women loves too much is when she starts making excuses for him.

 

1. It's not an issue where I don't think he loves me, he does a lot for me to be honest and he is a great boyfriend.

2. I don't want sex to be the main focus of our relationship and we are intimate in a lot of other ways.

3. I'm just going to accept that he doesn't want to get married. I'm not going to act all emotional and weird around him.

4. I'm just going to enjoy the time we have together now and put it down to life experience. If he doesn't want to keep me and marry me than I think that will be something he has to live with and maybe he might regret his decision but that is not for me to think about.

5. We can be so amazing together!

6. I know that he doesn't have many people in his life who he is really close to, the only person is his mother...who he worships.

7. I'm finding myself becoming mean and nagging as it's getting closer to my flight date...

8. I need to stop this and just chill! I love him dearly and I want us to end on good terms...

 

Your feelings are valid, do yourself a favor: express your feelings to him! I don't mean in emotional and nagging way, but you need to tell him IT'S NOT OKAY TO TREAT YOU LIKE YOU'RE NOTHING! Scr*w being cool and chill, you get nothing from it except heartache. The first thing I'd do if I were you :

1. Tell him you're hurt when he acts weird and stop doing affectionate things after the marriage talk. If he starts making excuses, tell him to acknowledge your feelings instead.

2. Tell him you didn't mean to push him about the marriage thing, but tell him what YOU EXPECT IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP with him. Be truthful to yourself, if you want a marriage tell him that.

3. Once you have expressed your feelings and expectations, ask him to be honest with you and tell you about his. If they're not the same as yours, save yourself from a heartbreak, starts packing and stay at friend's place. If they're same as yours, at least everything's clear and you can enjoy your time with him.

4. If he's avoiding this topic and become defensive, it's a sign he doesn't want any future with you, it's a sign to leave and move on.

 

I'm sorry if I'm too harsh, but you have the right to be happy with a guy who appreciate you and loves you and who's able to give you a future you deserve.

[Mercurial Girl]

I would suggest that in future relationships, so that you don't end up spending years with someone who has completely different goals than you, that you discuss marriage much much sooner than 4 years in.

 

I bring up the topic quite early on in dating (not " I WANT TO MARRY YOU!!" but "I am looking for a life partner and marriage is important to me. If a relationship is going well I expect that it progresses towards that within X years" ) and I cannot get my head around these very frequent "we've been together for so many years and I just brought up marriage and he freaked!" ...in some instances it is discussed after just weeks of dating.