The BDay of my ex-Wife's mom. Party?

[Reloxx]

Ok, I'll try to keep this short.

 

My ex-wife and I got together very young (16 & 19). We got married at 20 & 23.

Lovely relationship but with the usual ups and downs.

 

She cheated when she was 22 with a co-worker and I didn't find out until a week after we broke up...4 years later.

 

She broke up with me because:

1. She thought I did the same thing to her, cheat, but I didn't even come close to it. (She's super jealous, probably because of her ability to do the unthinkable).

2. She got GIGS.

 

Her whole family adores me and I adore them. They all wish her and I would be together and blah blah blah.

 

I have a real nice relationship with her mom. I intend to keep it that way but due to NC, and me trying to heal, I've kept my distance and they all respect that.

 

I've done a lot of reading and I've come to understand the reasons she cheated and why she got GIGS. They're not excuses but I undersand. I had to understand why, for my own peace of mind. I had to understand that it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with her.

 

So, I've managed to almost completely forgive her FOR ME because I don't an have not ever carried hate in my heart. It was a crucial step for my healing process and I feel better by forgiving her.

 

Do I want her back? No. Shes not ready for a relationship that I am looking for. Can I say with certainty that her and I will NEVER be back together? No I cannot but as of now I realize that, although she was an awesome person and all, her lack of maturity in the aspect of relationships is lacking and therefore I'm not interested. I'm having a great relationship with myself and I've grown from this all. Not to mention that I'm becoming super awesome and finding myself again. (I've lost 40 pounds and I'm all muscular and cut up now lol girls are very attracted once again [i let myself go during the last 5-6 years.].)

 

With all that being said, her mom's BDay is in October. My ex, her mom and her family were very supportive of me while I was getting my college degree and now that I've graduated and I am now in a position to reciprocate, I want to do something nice for her BDay.

 

Assuming that I am fully healed up and impervious to anything my ex says or does, would it be a bad idea for me to talk to her family, including breaking NC with my ex, and set up a nice dinner and party at a lounge/club for her mom? I'd be buying a few bottles and getting VIP table at this joint.

 

I really would like to get back to being me again with her family and I want to give this party to her mom because she loves dancing and going out and she rarely gets to do it. I know she will appreciate it.

 

And as an added bonus I can sort of show that I'm my confident self and my new found self to my ex. Kind of like a "and you thought I wouldn't be able to live without you huh? lol".

 

I just want to show her mom a good time and thank them for being so supportive of me. I also want to show that I genuinly love them all and that regardless of me and my ex I still consider them family.

 

I'd love some input on this. Of course, if I have ANY sort of hint or inclination that this (I haven't seen my ex since the break up) will set me back or hurt me I will not go through with it.

And again, I don't want her back nor that old relationship. Nor am

I wanting answers or closure or anything like that. I've forgiven her, I've come to terms with everything, and I've answered and given myself my own closure.

 

Please advice me on this. Thanks guys.

[Reloxx]

And I posted on the Getting Back Together because it seems like the best place to get advice when someone can be potentially doing something that can hurt or hinder their healing. And also because this really is a getting back together just that it's only with her family and not the ex.

 

Thanks.

[pippy longstocking]

I think it is an amazing thing to do

 

I think I will be the only one to encourage this though...

 

If you can cope ..if your heart can cope ..if your integrity is really with her mum..if it is just a one off ..

 

then I think it is an amazing thing to do and why not break all the given rules of NC etc etc etc to give something

back to the people who stood by you..

 

I think you just have to be ready in your mind on a sour note that your ex may expect you to let go of her family.

 

your a kind man.

[Mavh25]

Sounds really nice, her mum will love it by the sounds of it, but be sure part of the reason isn't to see your ex and show her the new you. Chances are she may approach you afterward, or show no interest atall, then what?

[lavenderdove]

The problem i see here is that after 4 years, you are still talking about 'maybe' you'll get back together, yet your ex wife is the one who broke up with you and it seems like you haven't really moved on from here if you are still talking about that rather than letting go of that idea and actively seeking another woman to be your partner/wife. After 4 years, it is time to let go and find someone new for yourself rather than being so enmeshed with an ex.

 

It is lovely that you have good feelings for her family and getting along civilly with the ex, but when you do get a new partner, or she gets one, how will that work? Your wife won't want you running off all the time to be with your ex-wife and her family because you still feel they are family, when you should instead by forming familial bonds with your new GF's/wife's family rather than clinging to an ex and her family. And setting up and throwing a party for them for the mother in law's birthday is quite enmeshed, as if you are still your ex's husband and 'hosting' the in-law party.

 

So there is nothing wrong with keeping touch with ex in laws, but you need to see them more as friends you see now and again rather than close family. Most people I know who have amicable relations with exes may have coffee with the in-laws now and again and exchange christmas cards or attend children's events together if they have children shared after the divorce, but they don't carry on together as if the divorce never happened. So they can be in the outer circle of your friends, just not the inner circle where you act as if the divorce never happened.

 

You also have to think about what it will feel like when your ex does get another partner and starts showing up with and even marries him. You will then most likely be a persona non grata at these 'family' events, and may well stop getting invited or feel really awkward while she stands around nuzzling the new guy while you chit chat with her mother.

 

So it sounds like you should take your new found fitness and good lucks and throw a party of your own for single people your own age to demo them on new women who have potential to be your new partner rather than focusing on the ex and former in-laws. It's time for you to get out and get a new girl, and find someone you can make a new family with rather than clinging to the past.

[toby17]

Seriously, the idea that her daughter's ex would throw her a birthday party, I can't even describe how strange that would be.

 

It would be you and all the mother's relatives and friends? Do you really think your ex would come? Could you really see everyone sitting around the lounge avoiding the big pink elephant in the room?

 

I think it would be truly awkward and the mother would have to figure out how to gently turn down your offer. Everyone would talk about your suggestion and your ex would say "see, I told you".

 

No, my advice - if you like this woman so much - send her some flowers and leave it at that.

[mhowe]

I agree w/ ^^^. Throwing a party for your ex MIL --- 4 yrs after the break up is just plain odd.

 

First, it his her family, not yours. No matter how close you once were.

Two, it's been 4 years. Akward as hell.

 

Send a card -- anything more would be completely inappropriate. And you are wayyy overthinking this --- as Oct is still months away.

This is about showing your ex you have "forgiven and moved on"....when you haven't moved on.

[Reloxx]

I appreciate the input you guys. Great stuff.

 

I want to clarify some things though.

 

1. It has not been 4 years. We broke up "officially" 3 months ago while I was still in college.

2. I'm still in contact with the family.

3. We all lived together in a big duplex.

4. I still go to the kids parties and etc. (haven't seen the ex though)

5. My ex cheated on me 4 years ago but I never found out until we broke up just 3 months ago.

6. I don't want her back because I believe in my heart and in my head that she needs to grow up and experience life and other relationships before she can truly know and appreciate a good man. As do I. I think I was selling myself short with her. Everyone said it but I never heeded their opinions but it was multiple people.

7. I don't hate her nor dislike her nor have resentment anymore towards her because I know understand fully why things happened. It wasn't my fault. We were each other's first love and how can you appreciate a good thing when you have nothing to compare it to?

8. This is not as "strange" of a thing since this is usually what we did for 10 years. They all consider me part of the family.

9. I'm the godfather to my ex's sister's kid. I was the best man at the her wedding.

10. Her mom practically begged me NOT to disappear from the family and to please stay involved with the family even when I get a new girl.

11. Our break up was not a nasty one. She BU with me as soon as I graduated and moved back down. I was away for two years). She was sincere and told me that she loved me with all her heart but that she just needed to spread her wings and find herself and that she wanted to know if it was love or just comfort. (The textbook step by step GIGS, 7 year itch, type of breakup lol. I love it)

12. Here's the kicker. Apparently my ex had a rebound and she broke up with him and now is REALLY missing me and telling her sister that she made a huge mistake. She hasn't contacted me and probably won't until she has exhausted all of her options or until she can't contain her heart anymore.

She's also scared that I won't give her a clean slate and that I will reject her.

Unfortunately, she is partly correct. In time I will be able to give her a clean slate, when enough time has passed by and we both have grown from this but she is correct in the rejection part. I just don't feel she nor I are ready for a fully committed relationship.

 

I am enjoying my singledom, growing, finding myself, dating (wow it sucks lol people are crazy), and I'm focusing on my career and my newly founded company.

 

She's a junior in college now and I will be happy for her once she graduates and dates more men. She needs it. It's for her own good.

 

Lastly, I want to say that her mother loves me like a son, fed me, let me live rent free for two years, washed my clothes, sent me money and food while I was away, and just took such wonderful care of me while I was going to school fulltime in Miami before I transferred to UF.

I've always told her that I would be in a position to help her one day and I now am.

 

As for my ex, we're not in bad terms. Knowing that she misses me and sent me a nice email about business, and her checking my Facebook frequently and staying home with her mom lamenting the events, let's me know that she won't angrily reject my idea.

 

I understand how she might be feeling and that is also why I have kept my NC going. It's for both of our good. I don't want her hurting but neither do I.

 

Fortunately, I've grown a lot an read a lot, went to therapy, and the fact that we hadn't seen each other for over 8 months before the BU helped me recover so quickly.

Also, the big graduation and the move back to Miami and all my friends and being so active and being able to finally go out and pay for things I couldn't before for four years, had helped me recover. It's like I'm taking a vacation away from the BU in my own city. I was lucky in that regard. Of course, the last months of the RS were tough and then the first month of the BU was even tougher but I really utilized all my options to recover and it's been amazing.

 

So, to stop rambling, I'm very well in my healing process and I expect that by October I will be even further along. I think I can handle it.

 

So yea,

[mhowe]

Well, your "extra" details changes the whole story....you are part of the family, by their request.

 

However, you are only 3 months apart. I would wait and see how you feel in Oct.

[Reloxx]

Well, your "extra" details changes the whole story....you are part of the family, by their request.

 

However, you are only 3 months apart. I would wait and see how you feel in Oct.

 

Thanks MHowe. That's what I want to do. I want to wait a month or more to see how I feel about it. That's the plan.

[Reloxx]

Okay, I have an update. Shooting Star mentioned something along the lines of my ex expecting me to let go of her family. I did experience this at the beginning. Her mom told me that my ex was a bit upset because her mom was still in contact with me. I advised the mom that we should give the situation time to cool off and things to calm down. We did.

 

So, based on that note, I spoke to her mom today and we chit chatted and what not. I asked her if my ex was still on the same trip as before and not wanting me in contact with the family, and she said "oh no! total opposite now. she's changed drastically. we all went out to a concert two weeks ago and we happened to mention you in the car, and she seemed quite upbeat to hear about you." She also stated that "she has been inquiring about me and asked me if you had mentioned anything about her when you last came to drop off the video games for the kids. I told her you looked good and you're noticeably full of confidence, but that you didn't mention her at all. She was disappointed but asked if I knew when you were going to pass by again."

 

I'll play it by ear, but worse case scenario, I'll just take out her mom for a nice dinner and some other fun activity. No big deal. I just think that the mom would really appreciate a nice party of that magnitude with her daughters there. And it is also sort of a thank you to my ex's sister and husband, who have always believed in me and been there for me. i want to treat them to a nice time.

 

I have a feeling my ex is going to want to attend as well, just out of sheer curiosity.

 

I feel bad for her. I hope she grows from all of this if not she is doomed to repeat the same mistakes with the next guys.

I think my next serious relationship will be so healthy. I've really started to come in to my own, and rapidly.

 

It's the power of The Secret, Non-Chalance thread, and just overall positive thinking and a thorough understanding of why everything happened the way it did.

 

I wish I can give this sense of completeness to everyone who has and is enduring a heartbreak.

 

But it is true what they say... The only person who can make you happy is you.– The root of your happiness comes from your relationship with yourself. Sure external entities can have fleeting effects on your mood, but in the long run nothing matters more than how you feel about who you are on the inside.

 

I feel good that I didn't cheat, that I didn't take her for granted, that I wanted more but then I walked away as per her request. It feels good to go to sleep at night with a clear conscience. I regret nothing. I kept my dignity, my self-respect, and I got my own closure. I'm freeee!!

[toby17]

The extra information doesn't change jack. You haven't moved on. This is all just rationalization.

 

She's NOT your mother. You need to get a grip.

[Reloxx]

How can I not move on? She cheated, lied, betrayed, hurt me. Why would I want to be with a person who can do such a thing? She's damaged goods. Her father screwed her up and she's not going to change.

 

But why does that have to hinder a relationship with people that have been my family for the last TEN YEARS?

 

I'm the godfather to 3 kids in the family. I was the best man at her sister's wedding.

 

If she's (the ex) on this self-destructive path, so be it. If that's how she'll lead her life, ok. But how am I going to cease to exist in the lives of those who were there for me when no one else was?

 

It's not rationalization, it's me doing what would make me happy and that is to give a nice gift to my second mom.

My ex may or may not even go. It's irrelevant. It's about the mom.

 

I mean, we've been broken up for, officially, 3 months but this relationship effectively ended in January. It's been quite the months. I grieved all through my final semester in college. I went to counseling and all. I read, I introspected, I went to group therapy. Then finally, it became official 3 months ago. The added nail to that coffin was that I found out she had cheated 4 years earlier. But it was irrelevant at that point. The RS was done for by then.

 

So... Is it really that crazy for me to break NC in this manner?

 

I value your opinion Tobey so please chime in.

[lavenderdove]

OK, just about every divorced person could say the same thing you are saying, which is you were part of the family, godfather to kids, best man at an in-laws wedding.

 

But divorce is exactly that... an ending and time to move into a new life. It is a transition, and a serious legal one that breaks the ties that once held you together. What you are proposing is like saying you want to go back to your old college fraternity house every couple weeks and party with the young kids who live there because you once lived there for 4 years and it meant a lot to you and felt like family... A reunion once in a while, yes, but you don't live there in anymore, and time and events have moved on and you have a new life after college and no longer live there anymore. Same with divorce. It was a phase in your life, and now it is over, and you can have reunions now and again, but you are not actively entitled/invited/welcom to join in faternity parties every week with the people who live there now.

 

So nothing wrong with keeping contact with the ex in-laws for reunions now and again, but you're not married anymore. And she cheated and left you for another guy. And she's only interested now because her rebound dumped her and she wants a safe harbor in the storm. Once she feels better and sparks on a new guy, she'll probably suddenly want you out of her life again just like she did before.

 

So you should be focusing on building a new single life and ifnding new friends and a new partner rather than clinging to HER mother. The truth is she was once your mother in law, but isn't now, and if you're not going to get back with her daughter, the daugther will again want you out of their lives when she finds someone new, and eventually you WILL be relegated to the fringes of the mother's life at best because she will not want to anger/upset her daugther and her daughter's new husband. I'm sorry, the mother can be a distant friend, but the day the divorce happened she ceased the 'mother' role in your life and you should respect your ex-wife's 'ownership' of her mother. Basically, your ex-wife got custody of her mother and father in the divorce, you didn't.